Just got back in that locker to leave her the link to one of my websites. I hadn’t been in there since the night I gave her the book. And saw she left me something that night.
“Action is the antidote to despair.” ~ Joan Baez
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Last night (well into this morning) I ended up watching a few of Mike Haines’ videos on his YT channel.
Weird, yet interesting, stuff.
Stuff like how women seem to be drawn to a serial killer vibe.
Watched all those, then went to sleep, and as I fell asleep, I listened to Cart Girl’s voice talking to me in my head. It calmed that low-level anxiety that I have. Not quite as good as being with her in-person. But close.
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Dream
I’m back in my hometown. Walking down the street. Decide I want to go visit this place where I used to work.
It’s the place where I started in the manufacturing/assembly side, and when that got shipped out to Mexico, I went and worked in their tech support department taking first-line calls.
I wanted to see if it’d changed much from what I remember. (I worked there 2007-2009 timeframe).
(side note: In real life, When I worked there, and was in the tech support side already, there was a slow night and I walked back over to where the mfg side used to be, and was getting nostalgic at all the stuff that was the same, but also about the stuff that was different, renovations, etc.)
It took a while to find a door into the place (ONCE I found it. A theme in the dream was about how much of the place wasn’t actually as I remembered it. Like I was remembering things wrong or with rose-colored glasses).
I was walking with 2 other people I worked with there before (not real people. Just in the dream)
We finally found an odd door in, and there was an ID printer there, and we realized we could print out temporary IDs for ourselves)
We use the temporary IDs and go in, and in the room where everyone is on lunch break, there’s tons of people in there. But it’s silent. They all look miserable. Hardly moving. I ask one of them why it’s so quiet.
Me: “Are you all afraid to talk?”
“They don’t like us to.”
Me: “So? What are they gonna do?”
“You’re right!”
Then a murmur starts spreading through the crowd “He’s right!” over and over. And suddenly the place is alive with people being happy and lit up.
I keep walking and looking for all my old haunts in the building.
Have a hard time finding most of them.
Found one but it was a super secret area that my temporary ID won’t let me into (It’s one of the sections I used to work in when there before making the jump to tech support).
I ask one guy if the “Reclamations” section in the back of the building was still around. He looked annoyed at me for asking “Yes, but I’m not telling you how to get there.”
Reclamations was a section where old RAID arrays and hard drives would get put for people to try and repair/get working at their desks. As pet projects.
Anyway, the whole dream seemed to be about me revisiting past “structures” (in the form of the building) and realizing most of it wasn’t ever what I thought it was. OR it’s changed drastically. Leaning toward the former though.
Like I’m remembering things that just weren’t actually so.
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IrresistiBILL V3 in the works once I’ve got money to build it:
I’ve just ordered IrresistiBILL V3
- Heartsong Core
- S&SX Core
- New Romance Experience Core
- Alexander’s Play
- Attachment Destroyer
- Furious Ascent
- Hegemon
- King’s Radiance
- Limiting People Remover
- Love Without Attachment
- Submodel Alpha
- Synergy: At The Top
- Synergy: Beyond Seduction
- Synergy: Divine Dominion
- Synergy: Inescapable Gaze
- Synergy: Perfection Manifestation
- Synergy: Primordial Aura
- Synergy: Secrets of Seduction
- Synergy: Subconscious Mastery
- Synergy: Voice is the law
Given why I’m building this one, it’s gonna get a long-term bout of listening time. So I’m not scared/worried about the number of synergy modules there. Before anyone says anything.
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I wouldn’t have said anything. You’re old enough. But I had my own thoughts about it. At least until I read the last paragraph. How long do you plan to run this?
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As long as it takes into I feel I don’t need it anymore.
Elaborate
Mostly this:
Also, I just recently started to follow your journal without reading older ones.
The following isn’t meant as judgement in any form.
If it’s to private, let me know, and I’ll delete this second part of my answer.
I still don’t understand what you’re after seduction wise. You’re married. And it seems like you’re liking the sexual relationship with your wife.
You’re not in a open relationship, are you?
To me it felt like you’re committed to your wife.
So why making it harder for you?
Why adding so much seduction?
The whole Cart-Girl situation already seems painful for you.
It kinda reminds me of my younger self. Flirting with a woman I adored, knowing that it will not bear fruit, still enjoying being in love for being in loves sake.
It was kinda like self torture, but I savored it nevertheless.
Do you plan to add more of this “falling for a wonderful women without ever letting her know” to your life?
Sorry, if this is to personal.
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I’m starting to suspect girl has an idea.
There was a period of at least 10 years (maybe longer. It was a slow creep) where the wife basically didn’t want sex and only did it “So you’ll stop bugging me” (her words at the time).
That wears on a guy.
Even now, she doesn’t want it much unless I run subs. So that’s a bit aggravating at times.
I’m building this custom to either fix marriage stuff or be man enough to let it go. Hence Heartsong. It can fix stuff, or can help move on for something better.
Limiting People Remover will aid in that too.
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Did you ever try Primal Romance + Heartsong, perhaps in a custom with Reignition, Panther, Way of Understanding, and so on?
I’m in a similar situation. We talk a lot about it. So I know her reasons. We’re working on it actively. She’s even here and using subs.
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I’ve run them separately. Not together that I recall
Running this custom solo is fine i guess. Real concern is you tend to stack this with another 20 module custom + 2 another Major store title -5 min each- and such 
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I’ve mainly been OK so far…
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Come to think of it, the other day, the wife referred to cart girl as my “better half”!
So she’s probably sensing things about me and girl.
She has been initiating sex more often than before. So I’ll keep an eye on how that plays out more.
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Link please. I can’t find it. Even his old sites don’t seem active anymore.
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This is precisely why I refuse to get married, thats a nightmare of mine bro.
My parents got a divorce and instead of being sad, all of my siblings and I are quite happy that both are moving on.
Cause we never saw them all lovey dovey with each other and shit. It looked like roommates rather than lovers.
And I’m so sick of this common narrative that a “marriage is supposed to be hard” etc. I call bullshit. Thats a majority of marriages where people just settle because they dont wish to be lonely.
Trader, you went 10 years in a sexless marriage and she’ll only give it to you so she doesn’t lose you?!
I don’t know man that statement alone made me so pissed off.
yup.
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It is the case that partners reflect our unhealed issues, in the form of triggers.
If we don’t work on it, then we put on the same crap over and over again.
You can still separate yourself from someone so often and enter into a new relationship, the shit remains the same. (Disputes, no or little sex, violence…)
At the beginning you think, “This is much better than my previous relationship!” Believe me, a little later it may be that the whole vicious circle starts all over again.
Even if there are some now who want to attack me and say that violence never has anything to do with oneself. Let me write the following:
Trigger sexual violence and assault
My mother was permanently abused and raped by my father.
As a child, I was only related to this “love.” A partnership by caring for each other, supporting and lovingly treating each other, I therefore did not know.
So my subconscious mind has saved the following: Sexual assault and violence = love.
So it was obvious that I would have just such a partnership later.
As weird as it may sound, I felt safe, because that was something I saved as love.
I had this relationship for almost 11 years.
It wasn’t until I started dealing with personality development, self-love, healthy relationship, etc. that I realized that what my ex-partner gave me was not love, but abuse. On a physical and emotional level.
So I gathered all my courage and left him. When my sister and her boyfriend picked me up at the time, I was very keen. My ex closed the door and I was so relieved that I started smiling.
When I met my fiancé, I was overwhelmed.
He took care of me, was loving, courteous, absolutely attentive and very understanding.
My subconscious was not at all satisfied and agreed with this, because it knew only physical and psychological violence.
So I had to work on myself so I don’t unintentionally manipulate the relationship. I had to learn and actually feel that a relationship doesn’t mean getting on your face.
That was damn hard and cost us both tremendous nerves. But my fiancé is not a blank slate either. He was also allowed to work on himself.
Btw, no one gets into a relationship without a backpack.
If both parties understand this, work on it and give the other space to heal, something wonderful can arise.
If you’ve had a traumatic past, you can’t always remember everything and you wonder why this is happening to me right now. Our subconscious wants to protect us from this past and therefore it makes us forget many things.
So you consciously don’t always know why you react the way you react.
“We are all traumatized children in adult bodies.”
Only when you start working on yourself can you break these patterns.
It doesn’t matter what you want to heal. So many people are broke because in the family phrases fell like, for example: “Rich people are arrogant! Money stinks! Money doesn’t make you happy!” etc.
That’s why most of them are here. They want to get rid of these strange beliefs with the help of subs.
The same goes for every other area of life. In relationship, you may notice that you are in the shitty relationship of the parents. So you should work on yourself. If the partner is open, then he should work on himself too. Never change your partner, but always yourself.
Either you realize that you can do it after both have worked on themselves or you go your separate ways. (If only one wants to work on themselves and it’s just not sustainable for the relationship anymore or you realize that they both want something different in life).
So I think that a partnership is or should be work, but you should always work on yourself and never want to change your partner. This costs too much energy to heal yourself in such a way that you can lead a life that is yours.
So when you realize that you are being manipulated (only sex to keep someone) you can ask yourself the question, what do I have to change in my life to stop attracting it.
And indeed, I would ask why she is as she is. What was the relationship of the parents, the environment, close relative, trusted ex-partner?
All this shapes one and maybe she wants to have a completely different relationship.
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Started back on intermittent fasting. Today is day 4.
Daily glucose reads have been:
173
160
125
84 (today)
Only 4 days in and my glucose is back in normal non-diabetic range!
Definitely easier than the first time in 2022 was. And that wasn’t even hard
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