To Shayul Ghul and Back

Journals - Major Programs
#141

DAY39

It’s been a few months since I last drank anything alcoholic. Not that I’m into sobriety or anything. It’s just that I didn’t feel like celebrating anything. But as I mark the end of the year, I feel that I should at least raise a toast. Not for the year 2020, but for what I have become since I started this year.

Though little by many standards, I still have not thought that I would be able to accomplish much this year. I have started a blog that people go to for reference. I have presented in a conference via recorded video. Though I still have not been promoted, nor moved to a better job/company, I still have a job that provides me with a means to pay the bills.

And so, as this year ends, I raise a toast to all who have helped me with this year’s journey. Thank you friends for helping guide me and give me the strength and courage to continue on this journey.

May this new year bring better luck, and a brighter future to us all. And like steel being hammered in a fiery forge, may we all become our best selves this new year.

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Traveling the Paths of Wealth, Imbuing Vital Physicality (Custom Q Journal)
#142

DAY40

It really is a good thing that I decided not to play LEU this whole week. Today was rather uneventful. Wife’s OC nature had us take down all the Christmas decorations a week early.

But aside from that, we didn’t really do much aside from lounging around or watching tv or playing with the kids. Rather boring and uneventful way to start the new year. But at least we’re doing ok.

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#143

DAY41

Rest day. Somehow, I’m no longer looking for something in my ears. Was able to go about today without even thinking about playing subs today.

Is it reconciliation or does this feeling I have mean that it’s time for me to move on to ST2? I keep feeling that I should move on to the next stage of DR. But I’m still not sure if I’ve cleared enough crap in me.

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#144

I think if/when I pick up DR, I’ll likely keep ST1 on one of my subs on the stack rotation as I do the follow-on stages.

Not sure how viable that is in your case. If I were to do it NOW, I’d do a 3-sub rotation stack of BILLionaire, DR ST1 and DR ST1 at first. Then once I’d done that “long enough,” I’d do BILLionaire, DR ST1, DR ST2…then BILLionaire, DR1, DR3, etc.

I’m sure my plan will change before I get there, though

#145

I guess switching stages has been an issue for me. With Khan and QL, I switched right after 30 days. But looking back, a part of me feels that maybe I could have gotten more if I had stayed longer with each stage. That and constant stack switching. With DR, I only intend to use LEU and ElixirU as part of my stack.

With both QL and khan, I used to keep switching the stack. I guess aside from the days per stage, it was also how consistent my stack was.

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#146

DAY42

Another rest day. Nothing much happened today. Maybe it’s time to move on to the next stage, but just to be sure, I decided to keep pushing with ST1 for at least this week. Just wanted to make sure that I got all the healing I needed.

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#147

DAY43(early update)

Back to school for my kids and back to work for me. First Monday of the year.

Still feeling sleepy. Maybe because I’ve been used to waking up around midmorning for the past couple of weeks.

Did my morning meditation on waking up and then played 1 loop of DR ST1.

Not sure, but it feels like I’m getting hit with some reconciliation. Feeling of anger and frustration popping up again. Maybe it’s reconciliation. Maybe it’s because I woke up early. Not really sure. But hoping it gets better.

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#148

How are your rest days?

#149

Lately, rest days have been uneventful. Maybe because I’ve been trying a laid back approach during rest days.

#150

What is a laid back approach?

#151

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not expecting anything. Not doing anything either. Just trying to have fun with the family.

#152

Thank you for clarifying.

#153

DAY43(update)

Been really hard to get back in the groove so to speak. Maybe because of the 2 week leave I took, or because of the weather, or both.

But I’ve been pretty lazy with work today. Been more focused on finding ways to lower expenses like getting a refi for the mortgage and such.

Although I was able to do a minimum of the needed office work, I still felt like I needed to push myself to actually do it. Hopefully it gets better as the days go by. Maybe reconciliation? I don’t know really.

Oh well. Que sera sera.

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#154

DAY44(early update)

Kept waking up last night. Not sure why. Good thing I was able to quickly get back to sleep though. But feel tired just the same.

Woke up this morning and did my morning meditation. Although, honestly, I feel like I was forcing myself to get out of bed just to do it. Maybe because I was still very sleepy and felt that it was more of a chore than anything.

Played 1 loop of DR ST1 after. Will be playing 1 loop of LEU in a bit.

Funny thing though. Last night, my wife was in a more agreeable mood. I was able to tell her my pet peeve about her getting the bathroom floor very wet every time she bathes. And lo and behold, I noticed that the floor was dry before I went to bed. No complaints. No arguments. Am not complaining though.

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#155

DAY44(update)

Was able to run 2 loops each of DR ST1 and LEU and 1 loop of ElixirU today. Still feeling both tired and driven to work on something. Unfortunately, I’m not sure what to work on.

Although I was able to work on office tasks and produce the minimum required for the day, I really feel that I can do more. Only if I had direction. Feelings of getting pissed at my boss and office politics are popping up again. And yet, I can’t just drop everything without any backup plans.

Which, then makes it even frustrating since I really have nowhere else to go.

Feelings of attending other trainings and taking certification exams are popping up too. Although, with the current landscape, I’m not really sure what certification training to take. It seems that every employer I see wants one of everything. But at the same time, I don’t have funds to splurge on all that.

Somehow, it’s a cycle of frustration. Going round and round, but not really getting anywhere.

Oh well. Que sera sera…

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#156

DAY45(early update)

Went to bed around midnight. Felt so lazy, I just binge watched last night.

Went to bed listening to binaural beats using the Brainwave app on my phone. Felt that it helped with sleep as I only woke up once when I realized my earphones fell off. But aside from that, slept until my alarm rang.

Still feel sleepy though. Maybe it’s the weather. Or maybe reconciliation. In either case I’ll probably take a nap in the afternoon.

Did my morning meditation after getting up. Still feel like it’s more of a chore now though, given that I had to go downstairs to the living room and sit on the recliner. I fall asleep if I lay down on the bed to meditate.

Played 1 loop of DR ST1 right after. Currently feeling more “meh” than anything really. Aside from sleepy, that is.

Oh well. Que sera sera…

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#157

DAY45(update)

Got to do the minimum required work today. Same like yesterday. Been rather sleepy too.

Not sure if I’m really disheartened after what happened earlier today, or I’m just looking for an excuse to be lazy or maybe reconciliation. But I just don’t feel like doing anything much after hearing the news. Currently, the only thing on my mind is to binge watch again.

I’ve read some journals here that DR ST1 has some feeling like me. But somehow, a part of me wants to get out of this funk and start being productive. I’ve already been playing 2 loops of LEU again, but only got to barely moving. Not sure if it’s because I’m rolling a boulder up a steep hill, or what. But it certainly feels like it sometimes.

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#158

I’ve found that at different points in time there were various statements that felt right with my meditation. During those periods of time, repeating the phrase or concentrating on it would help to ground and focus my meditation.

Examples include:

Allow it to be easy

Just stand there and heal (I was doing standing meditation)

Just sit there and heal

What is real?

I remember one period of time when these all combined for a while into a kind of sing-song mantra.

Just sit there and heal/What is real/Allow it to be ea-sy

Sometimes they functioned as koans.

They vary. And generally, a new one will float up in my mind sooner or later, and stay for a while.

Intellectually/conceptually, they’re not necessarily much to look at, I guess. But on the experiential level, they really help. Another big one for me:

THIS

Still helps.

Anyway, it’s like a reminder of what I’m actually doing. May or may not apply for you. But just sharing.

#159

Thank you @Malkuth. I’ll see if I can incorporate this.

#160

DAY46(early update)

May be the weather, may be the fact that I stayed up until a little past midnight binge watching again, or may be reconciliation. But it really felt difficult to get up from bed this morning. Had to fight myself from simply hiding back under the covers.

Did my morning meditation and then played a loop of DR ST1. Am currently listening to LEU.

Had that urge again to sign up for a training. Cheaper than the usual stuff I checked out. But still a good thing to add to my resume, so I decided to pull the trigger and registered. Somehow, I feel the need to learn more (which is good, I think). So hopefully this helps.

I know that I should do some clean up on my emails. Not sure if it’s anything meaningful, but I just noticed that all my email inboxes now total 7777 unread emails. Either it’s a sign, or I’m just lazy to do some inbox cleaning. Lol.

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