To Shayul Ghul and Back


#1

Introduction

I have decided to go through a healing route this time around. With all the disappointments I have encountered this past year (failing exams, job interviews, anger issues, etc), I feel that I need to start rebuilding myself from the ground up.

Hence, I will be using DR together with SanguineU.


RVConsultant: Topics, Ideas, and maybe Q&A
#2

DAY1(early update)

Woke up early even though kids are on break. Not sure why I was scheduled for an interview early in the morning, but woke up nonetheless.

Started the day with my morning meditation. Although, I must say, I didn’t really feel like meditating. Maybe because it was very cold, and I was a bit nervous for today.

After meditating, I decided to start off with SanguineU while drinking my morning coffee. Felt good really. Not sure if it was because of the heat from the coffee, or from SanguineU, but today felt like it was going to be alright.

My interview went well, by the way. Kind of awkward really, as I was in the bedroom in front of my laptop, with the wife still sleeping. Even if the lights were on, she was sleeping soundly still.

As of now, I have just finished with 1 loop of DR ST1. I plan on doing 2-3 loops of DR during weekdays, with weekends as rest day. Not really sure why DR resonates with me. Still figuring out why.


#3

Time to toss the dice!
-Mat Cauthon


#4

oh, so ultimately you decided to stack it with SanguineU, interesting. I’m wondering how it works with Ultimas since I would run it with Elixir and Rebirth depending on the stage.


#5

Isn’t Elixir and Rebirth Ultimas too? Or are you referring to Q-stacking subs?


#6

I was wondering how DR works combined with Utlimas, especially Rebirth and Elixir since I’m planning on stacking that sub with those Ultimas.


#7

I’d rather hold a hammer than roll a dice. Maybe I’d start running Dreams next year?


#8

There’s only one way to find out I guess. As you said, it depends on which stage you are on.


#9

DAY1 (update)

After some thinking, I’m starting to think that maybe running DR is best for me right now. As @realbillperry and I were discussing in my previous journal, simply wanting to be anywhere but where I am now, is but taking a single step. However, not knowing where to actually go is a different story, as it may just bring me back to where I was.

So in retrospect, I know not where or what I really want it seems. And for me to gain this knowledge, I must first know who I was, who I am, and who I am meant to be. This I believe is the best route I can take right now. I guess, this will be my journey to find myself again. Know what I am truly capable of. And from there, know where I am meant to be.

No going back to my day, I can honestly say that there was anger rising during morning. Not really sure if it was cause by some resentment I still feel towards others. But all I can say is, I remembered various reasons why I was mad at some people, to the point that I felt almost like blowing up. All that anger filling me up.

Similar to my earlier experience with KhanST1. But this felt worse. For not only did I feel anger, I also felt pain, sorrow, loneliness and misery. Like something empty that could never be filled up. Maybe it was the thought that I did no longer knew myself from all my failures and such. I honestly don’t know.

So on my 2nd loop of SanguineU, I felt hope shortly after. I didn’t feel the normal joy and calm I felt before with SanguineU. But hope is better than pure sorrow.


#10

Hopper always wanted to fly. As you wish, Wolfbrother.


#11

DAY2(not so early update)

Went to bed around 11pm last night. This was rather early for me since I usually sleep around midnight. Decided to play a loop each of:
SanguineQ (ultrasonic, non-ultima version)
RebirthQ (ultrasonic, non-ultima version)
DR ST1 (ultrasonic)

Reason for doing so is just to test whether or not non-ultima versions would be better for me at night. When I was listening to Ultima subs at night, I’d find myself waking up every so often, maybe because of the energy shifting tech Ultimas has.

Woke up at 6 am simply because I forgot to turn off my alarm (kids are on break, and there was no need for me to wake up early). Went back to sleep quickly and woke up again at 10am. Honestly, I felt so rested upon waking up. So maybe I should stick with Q-version stacking subs instead of their Ultima counterparts at night.

I already played 1 loop each of SanguineU and DR ST1 and am currently playing another loop of DR ST1 right now. Although I don’t feel the negative feelings I experienced yesterday, I’m still half expecting them to crop up later today, as yesterday I felt it a few hours after playing the first loop of DR.

As of now, I can’t really report much. Lazy yes. Productive, not so much.


#12

Same here after the first night on DR (2 loops). I haven’t felt so well-rested in many days.


#13

DAY2(update)

Was able to play 3 loops each of SanguineU and DR ST1 today. There were times wherein I felt anger flare up. This was especially true when my wife suggested we go over to her sister for Christmas. There’s something about my sister-in-law’s husband that gets to me. Add the fact that I have to drive about 8 hours (could be 6 hours but traffic and the need for stopovers take up a lot of time), with kids? I just need to prepare myself for the inevitable I guess.

Work-wise, lazy as hell. Have some concepts for how to get data for a report we have to write. But haven’t done much about it today. Just figuring out how to scrape data out of various websites and infer that into a fancy chart. But writing the scripts to scrape the data (depending on the website, this may take some time), I haven’t even started.

Right now, feeling meh. Not sure whether or not I would exercise tonight. Don’t want to use Beast Within/Unleashed just to “force” myself to work out. Somehow, I feel that I’m starting to rely on outside things just to do stuff. I want to do stuff because I want to do stuff. Not sure if this shit really makes sense.


#14

Am occasionally feeling the same during my run of DR. Feel like destroying people and things.

All the Emperor and PCC benefit of productivity and motivation is now out the window. Nowadays am just working grudgingly. Not eager at all


#15

I think @Apollo should read that.

I haven’t experienced anything like that so far but it was only one night.


#16

@Voytek - so far my rage is fiery and short. For now. Don’t know what tomorrow will bring.


#17

I think it might be about releasing bad energies. Letting go the past and the mind doesn’t want to let go some of the shit.


#18

DAY3

Played another loop each of DR ST1, SanguineQ(ultrasonic), and RebirthQ(ultrasonic) last night. Slept straight for 6 hours. Although I can’t say I felt rested, like 2 nights ago, I slept continuously.

After preparing my kids’ breakfast, I told them to be quiet and let me and mommy sleep. Woke up an hour later to the sound of them crying and fighting. I got mad at my eldest because even though the younger one was already telling him to stop, he kept on fighting.

Somehow, I felt like a switch just turned on and I got really mad. Felt my heart beating so fast and all the blood rising to my head. Took a lot for me to get a grip of myself. Honestly, I’m not happy at myself, in fact, I feel bad for having lost my temper just like that.

During lunch, the family was eating with the TV on, and we were watching a Disney cartoon about TinkerBell. There was a part there that I started getting teary eyed. Not sure why really. But in order to avoid any questions, I just stood up and went to the kitchen and proceeded to wash the pots and pans.

Lately, I’ve been feeling so emotional. Must be something coming up but I don’t know what yet.


#19

Is that emotionality under control and you can easily analyze what’s going on in you?


#20

If it was under control, then I wouldn’t be emotional. Seriously though, I think the sub’s trying to unearth something deep rooted. I don’t know what, but I can just feel it. Like something bubbling out the water.