To Shayul Ghul and Back

Journals - Major Programs
#121

DAY31

Spent last night helping the wife wrap gifts. And then did some personal work. Got to sleep around 2am.

Not really sure why, but yesterday, I’ve been getting antsy and easily angered. Maybe it’s reconciliation. Maybe because I personally didn’t like the video I sent for the conference, and that if given the time, I could have done better. Maybe because the people in the office are starting to piss me off again. I am on leave till next year. But nobody wants to do a damn thing and are waiting for me to do work.

In any case, woke up around 8-ish. Couldn’t get back to sleep because I’ve been thinking about the conference. Things like:

  • If I only had a “quiet” place of my own, I could have done it live.
  • If I had more time, I could have done it better.
  • If if if if…

I know it just ifs. But I can’t shake the fact that even through a recording, I feel stupid. I have always had a hard time presenting in public. And this should have been a breeze since it’s pre-recorded and that I didn’t really need to see my audience. So why do I still feel jittery about it?

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#122

That seems pretty natural to me. Seems like a natural, healthy fear response. You put yourself out there in a new way. You should be applauded.

You’ve stayed pretty level-headed about it. That seems to be your usual M.O. But, yeah, the emotions will still be very active beneath the surface.

You should be applauded because you took action. You didn’t just think about it. You did it. Action-oriented people work by iteration. Yes, sitting on something for another week or another month could give you time to get it a few percentage points better. But you can also focus on getting it out. Then you can add those percentage points to the next iteration.

Maybe try allowing yourself to also notice what is really good or excellent in your presentation video.

Take any accurate criticisms not as condemnations of your past but as useful suggestions for the future.

#123

DAY31(update)

Finally relented to my wife and kids’ requests of getting a pet. Got them an aquarium with a bunch of goldfish. Kids were ecstatic.

Also, started a new tradition with my family. Night before Christmas Eve, we baked Christmas cookies. Kids were eating what they were making. Although messy, at least we all had fun.

Not sure why I’m starting to have a headache. Maybe reconciliation. Hope it goes away tomorrow.

When I saw my bio on the conference’s website, it pretty much dawned on me that I’ve put myself for all the world to see. Started to get a lot more antsy and all sorts of emotions were rolling over me. Part of me just wants to get this over with and hope that I don’t get ridiculed. Another part of me doesn’t want to care. While at the back of my mind, I’m also thinking, at least I did what I could given the constraints.

Maybe all this is why I’m getting a headache right now. I don’t know. I don’t want to care really. And yet, here I am worrying about something that is totally “virtual” and that I can even be absent from if I wanted to like a part of me also wants to just hide under the covers until it all passes over. But then again, there’s really nothing I can do now…

Que sera sera…

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#124

I try to be level-headed. I want to be as rational as possible. But yeah. Fear is also there. That’s actually one reason why I decided to jump to the “deep end of the pool” so to speak. I thought that given that I had this big fear of public speaking, and at the same time I also wanted to be well-known in my field, what better way than start “small”?

Thank you for your kind words. This means a lot.

I will try. Again, thank you.

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#125

DAY32

Christmas Eve… Nothing much to report really. Still worrying a little about the conference. But trying not to think to much about it. What’s done is done and is really out of my hands.

Right now, I’m torn between taking AWS certifications or other IT certifications. Not really sure how AWS would help me with my job, but it’s really becoming an in-demand thing.

Will probably see how the new Diamond Ultima fares…

#126

DAY33

I’ve been having a headache since Wednesday. It’s only now that it’s gotten worse. Wednesday and yesterday, it was just a dull throbbing after taking an Advil or 2. Now, even with Advil, it’s like a vice applying strong pressure to my head. I sure wish @SaintSovereign would release the migraine sub soon.

Also, I noticed that since Tuesday, I’ve been getting irritable. Maybe it’s reconciliation, or maybe because I’ve been on leave and not really needing to get anything done. But with LEU, and the “need” to get things done, it may be me trying to reconcile vacation with getting shit done.

Because of this, I opted to just play 1 loop of DR ST1 today. No ElixirU, and no LEU. With tomorrow being a rest day, hopefully I get to feel much better.

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#127

DAY34

Rest day. No subs. And yet, the compulsion to play at least SanguineU was great today. Migraine is still present. To make it even worse, today was grocery day. This meant that while the wife is inside the supermarket buying groceries, me and the kids were left in the car. And the bad thing about it was that they were misbehaving the whole time. Migraine and misbehaving kids do not make a good combination.

Took a nap in the afternoon, but headache only subsided somewhat. Pain comes and goes depending on the activity.

Hopefully tomorrow gets better.

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#128

DAY35

Another rest day. Headache has subsided to a dull throb. Feel it every now and then. But at least I was able to function better.

Will probably not play LEU this coming week. Still on leave and don’t want to get hot headed because of my drive to work on something and still try to relax.

On other news, been bingeing on movies these past few days. Not sure why, but I’m actually feeling better when watching movies. It’s like a good thing to take my mind off work and worrying.

#129

DAY36

Woke up fine this morning. Played 2 loops of DR ST1 and 1 loop of ElixirU today. No LEU for now. As I mentioned last night, I wasn’t sure how going on leave will affect my “need” to get shit done. I just wanted to take a break this week.

Struggling a bit with anger. It’s like I’m looking for reasons to be mad. Not really sure why. Every miniscule mistake one of my kids make, at the back of my mind, something’s telling me it doesn’t matter. And yet, there’s also another voice saying that the kids never learn, etc. Somehow, I feel like I’m trying to reconcile these parts.

Now, I feel like a headache is coming up again. Not sure if it’s reconciliation, or what. Hopefully, tomorrow, no more headaches.

#130

DAY38

Was not able to journal yesterday. Didn’t really feel like writing. Don’t know why.

#131

Suddenly recalled one reason why I don’t like public speaking. It was when I was highschool. I joined an impromptu speaking competition. We were given a few minutes to compose our speech based on certain topics we picked out of a fishbowl. For some reason, I got scared and just talked gibberish, with the whole school laughing at me. I couldn’t bear show myself for a whole week.

Maybe this is why I’m still thinking about the video presentation I made. It’s supposed to be showing today. I keep on going back to the site, even though I know what time my talk is going. I keep on looking at the discussion board and dread the comments to come. And yet, I know I shouldn’t give a damn about all this. What’s done is done. So why am I still fidgeting? So why do I still dread what’s to come? I did what I could. But I know deep down, I could have done better.

Oh well. Que sera sera…

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#132

Was checking out my LinkedIn feed and saw this:

Am actually a bit torn about this. I grew up taught to speak my mind to make sure I get my voice heard. And yet, could it be just a matter of ego too? I recall some time before. I had a fellow team leader who we used to make fun of. Not because he was quiet. But because he was loud. Simply parroting what was said before him, but only louder.

Oh well. Que sera sera

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#133

DAY38(update)

Part of me still feels like crap about the conference earlier. I mean, it’s over. So why am I still kicking myself over it? I mean, I didn’t get any negativity or anything like that. Looking over at the comments in the discord, I didn’t see anything bad said about it. So maybe I was just worrying too much? I don’t know.

And even though I still worry, and feel like shit, a part of me wants to do more conference talks. I don’t know really. Why is that? Given that I’ve got this big fear of public speaking. Given that it actually took me 20 takes to record a decent enough video presentation. Given that I’ve been worrying for weeks on end. Why do I want to do it over again?

I honestly can’t give any answer to this. In fact, I want more!

In a few hours (in some parts of the world) from now, a new year is coming. While doing our nightly family prayers, I suddenly thought of my goal when this year began, and goals I want to achieve in the coming year. And to be honest, I not only want to talk in public, but also write a book. I’ve got former colleagues from work, who, after getting a book or two published, get to talk in big named conferences. A part of me envy them and wish I could do that too.

At least today was a first step. And hopefully, tomorrow and the next days would get better.

By the way, I keep on hearing the saying “Onward and upward” for the past few days. Not sure why it means something. But I guess looking at where I’m at right now, there’s nowhere to go really but onward and upward.

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#134

Regardless of WHY, if you feel like you want that, then keep it up. You got this.

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#135

Thank you for the vote of confidence. It means a lot.

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#136

Fear, man.

It fixates us.

Threatens us when we try to process it. “You want more of the same?! Come here you little…”

And like any unprocessed content, it ties up our energy and weighs us down. Uselessly occupies bandwidth.

Working through pain and noxiousness. It always seems like it may last forever. Then it doesn’t.

When it is worked through, suddenly we have more energy, because that energy is no longer being spent on keeping those parts of us frozen and non-responsive.

Anyway. To echo a wise man:

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#137

What’s the rest of the sentence? ;). kidding. I can imagine a few words that fit.

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#138

Agree. This is probably why I keep on pushing myself. Pushing myself to my limits. To see what I am truly capable of. Past fear of the unknown. Past fear of the past. Past fear of my own self. Only to be truly reborn.

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#139

Me too. Though I wouldn’t want to delve too much on it.

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#140

Respect your journey, man. :muscle:t5:

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