To Shayul Ghul and Back

Journals - Major Programs
#181

DR ST2 DAY4(early update)

Tried studying last night. But I keep nodding off while watching the instructional video. Will try to change my approach to studying later. Hopefully I get to understand it better.

Woke up around 3am. Not sure why. All the while I thought it was already 6am when I woke up. Good thing my wife didn’t wake up when I got startled. And also good thing I was able to go back to sleep.

Tried to meditate after waking up. But it seems lately that I’ve been having to force myself to be calm and centered. May also need to try changing my approach to it.

Played 1 loop of DR ST2 after meditation. Am currently playing my first loop of LEU. Nothing really much to write about. Conflicting emotions playing up. Both hopeful and despair. Hopeful things get better. Despairing that things are like this right now. Ironic, I know. Just trying to take into account that I’m better off than a lot of people right now.

Oh well… Que sera sera…

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#182

DR ST2 DAY4(update)

I noticed that I’m again doing just the bare minimum work for my office job. It’s so uninspiring really. Even if I’m running LEU now, I feel like my time could have been better spent doing something else, and not work.

Aside from that, nothing much to report really.

Oh well. Que sera sera…

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#183

DR ST2 DAY5(early update)

Went to bed around 10:30 last night. However, since I woke up twice, I feel that I’m still a bit groggy. Not sure why I keep waking up.

Last night while studying, I realized why I couldn’t keep up with the video lecture. It turned out that I need to do a little more research as the lecture went straight to the practicals without even going through the theory. Given that I knew very little of the theory, I couldn’t follow the lecture. Spent some time reading up on the theoretical last night. Hopefully, tonight, I’ll be able to get a better grasp of things.

Did my meditation on waking up. But somehow, my mind keeps floating to other stuff. It’s like I’m starting to resist getting centered. Either it’s because I’m still sleepy, or the weather, or because I need to change things up. I’m not sure really.

Went straight to DR ST2 after meditating. Will play LEU in about an hour.

So around the end of 2019, I applied for one company and went through several rounds of interviews. Although I thought things were going well, I never received any word after the interviews. Fast forward to last month, I saw that the same company had a different opening. I sent my application and was able to speak with the HR/recruiter. And now, I just received an email from the HR informing me that the first interview would be conducted by the hiring manager, who just happens to be the hiring manager when I first interviewed around 15 months ago. Looks like it’s a different position but for the same team. Not really sure how to make of it. If it’s for the same team, then it’s probably going to be with the same people.

Oh well… Que sera sera…

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#184

Comments like the following one are sometimes annoying, but…’that indicates progress’

Another way of framing meditation is that it’s training to maintain continuity of awareness and attention through shifting mental states. From that perspective, it’s not really how centered or focused you are that is the point. Those are just fringe benefits that accrue over time. No, the main point of the whole thing is that you continue paying attention to what’s happening. An uncentered state is just as legitimate as a centered one. It’s almost like a kind of video game where you travel through different locales and settings to see what’s there, remember the basic layout, and find treasures. There are deserts, tundra, rain-soaked lands, beautiful landscapes, and on and on. You’re not trying to get to any particular one. There’s no ‘good’ destination that you’re trying to reach. Rather, the game is about exploring and observing each and every one.

So that becomes the game of it. Instead of saying ‘oh crap. I’m in the wrong mind state, how do I get back to that other one’, you say ‘okay, exactly what does this mind state feel like?’. ‘What does exhaustion really feel like?’. ‘What does this ‘inability to concentrate’ feel like? Is it different in some way from the inability to concentrate that I felt last week? Holy shit! It is. This one feels more like being on a boat in a storm. Last week felt like riding a shaky car down a bumpy road.’ (or whatever).

Anyway, it’s a different frame.

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#185

As always, I appreciate your input @Malkuth. Thanks!

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#186

DR ST2 DAY5(update)

Nothing much to write about I guess. Feeling more meh than anything really.

Did the minimum required for the office. Can’t say I’m proud of it, but I’m not inspired either.

So I mentioned in my earlier post about getting interviewed by the same hiring manager I talked to over a year ago, but for a different position now. I saw another job posting for a different company I also interviewed with before. This one is hiring for the same position I interviewed for before. If I recall correctly, the reason why I wasn’t hired back then was because I lacked some qualifications. However, the training I’m taking now is specific for those qualifications. So it makes me wonder, should I try to apply again?

Oh well… Que sera sera…

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#187

I’m wondering if reducing your number of loops or taking more rest days might help. I don’t know if I have a concrete reason for this idea.

#188

Today’s meditation just now was not my most equipoised either.

2 Likes
#189

I don’t know about loop reduction or even increasing rest days. At 2 loops per sub, and 2 rest days a week, I think it should be enough. To be honest, I’m often finding it hard to even have rest days. Making it even harder is the fact that I’m already limiting myself to 2 loops per sub per day.

#190

DR ST2 DAY6

Rest day. No subs. And since it’s a weekend, I binge watched last night and woke up almost noon.

Not much to write about. However, I feel that I am getting better at controlling my temper. Although I still have outbursts and shout sometimes, I am better able to keep calm. I only noticed this today, when my kid had his usual outbursts. Hopefully, this keeps up.

#191

Do you mean hard to have rest days and still maintain the schedule of 5 days of listening with 2 days or rest?

#192

I meant being able to keep myself from listening more. I came from “more is better” way of thinking. But with Q, it’s a bit difficult to refrain from playing subs too much.

#193

Thank you for clarifying. I also sympathize with this feeling. There is something about DR that feels almost addictive, as in I want to listen to more loops and skip my rest days. But I force myself to limit my loops and take my rest days. And some times I feel this nagging feeling to do more loops or to listen on my rest days. Very tempting.

#194

DR ST2 DAY7

Since it’s a weekend, nothing much to write about really. Refraining from subs, but missing earphones. So played music most of the day just to feel something in my ears.

2 Likes
#195

DR ST2 DAY8

Given that it’s a holiday today, and that it’s also one of my kids’ birthday, I decided to switch my 2 loops of LEU with 2 loops of Love Bomb. So, in all, I played DR ST2 and LBU.

Can’t really say much except, what would normally get me frustrated (like kids not behaving, noise and rowdiness, even my wife’s nagging), it just felt like nothing really. I can’t say I was calm. But more like, everything’s cool.

3 Likes
#196

Happy Birthday, young one!!

Blessings on your family, @d1gz.

2 Likes
#197

Thanks @Malkuth. Kid had a blast yesterday.

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#198

DR ST2 DAY9 (early update)

Kept on waking up last night. To make matters worse, it took me at least 30 minutes to get back to sleep each time. My eyes are droopy right now.

Tried meditating when I woke up this morning. Went well until about 5 minutes before it ended. When my alarm rang, I realized that I dozed off. Oh well.

Played a loop of DR ST2. Will be playing a loop of LEU in a bit.

I went to 16personalities.com just for the heck of it. According to the test, I’m an INTJ-T. Definitely introverted. Thinking how my DR journey would be affected by knowing that I’m not assertive. Maybe I’ll go with another alpha sub once DR is all done.

Oh well… Que sera sera…

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#199

DR ST2 DAY9(update)

Couldn’t get any work done today. Not because of any fault of mine, but because of the network connection. IT is having problems with VPN and stuff. So, yeah, no work today.

Been studying though. Getting a bit frustrated, since there’s still some tricks involved with solving the exercises. But at least my brain is working.

Oh well… Que sera sera…

2 Likes
#200

DR ST2 DAY10(early update)

Went to bed past midnight last night. Got in the flow of studying, that I lost track of time. So I’m feeling a bit groggy right now.

Good thing I didn’t fall asleep while meditating this morning. The combination of cold weather and less than 5 hours of sleep isn’t good.

Played a loop of DR ST2 right after. Am now listening to a loop of LEU. Am really tempted to try RICH Ultima. But I don’t know if it would clash with my current goals of self-improvement and healing. Really, really tempted though. SHINY!!!

And to make matters worse, I still can’t do any meaningful work as the network’s still down. I do hope I wouldn’t be required to go to the office today.

Oh well… Que sera sera…

1 Like