Thoughts and Rambles

I’m tired so this might be incoherent. But it’s genuinely felt like “dreams” themselves aren’t limited to being asleep. Daydreams are one thing, but even then, dreams themselves are kind of like symbolic processing of events/memories. So if we’re processing everything around us all the time, wouldn’t that mean we’re dreaming all the time? I can go inward almost like a meditative state at times and see how I processed some memory or event, and it feels like it as perspective jumps, non-linearity, details that are omitted/changed, etc. I’m feeling it now because I kept thinking I had a memory of someone always hugging one of my pillows whenever they were over, except this is the exact thing I do when I’m at one specific friend’s place. So, either the memory itself was encoded in reverse (which I doubt since I clearly can recall and correct it), or the replay/processing itself took place with different “rules.” I feel like this bit explains a lot of deja vu’s I’ve had if it’s like taking a 360 snapshot of a memory and twisting/playing with the perspective like a rubix cube.

I feel like the encoding itself was normal, but the processing/replay is always what’s changing. That could’ve been the behavior of a dream character that just got pulled from the real life memory, but then that signifies that the memory is getting processed again in a different way. Regardless, I know these real time processing dreams happen and I sometimes even engage with them. It’s almost like I get a bit of amnesia after though, similar to a real dream. And it feels a bit counterproductive to write down or note when it happens, since that itself would affect how that processing happens.

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How are you?

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In the moment? I actually found out on the first day of my finals week, at the same time that I had a paper due in an hour. I had to physically block anything else out of my mind and just keep going. Once it was submitted though, it was a little rough. I don’t like crying and I have a roommate, so it was mostly me trying to visit my emotions without triggering anything strong enough to make me break down. I’d already listened to my loop for that listening day, but it was almost like an inner part of me was just a child again, crying and completely breaking down. It was like he was just asking my subconscious for the strength to make it through the week, since it wasn’t like I could go easy on myself after that either. I’ve worked through overload before, so it was more just me wanting any way to feel strong or in power again. With how much I’ve gone through with the sub, it’s most definitely been a source of strength for me. Like going through the motions that have been ingrained in me to remember how much I’ve gotten through before, something like this is nothing. I notice that when it’s raw emotion that drives me to listen, the change is almost always immediate and profound.

A little after I came to the realization that the likely reason me and him crossed paths and he got to leave a strong impact on me, WAS because of me starting A Stark Black Reality. It hadn’t even been a full week by that point, but that was one of the many manifestations that week that convinced me that this was the path I wanted to be on. So a lot of that sadness got met with gratitude at the same time. Like “I only met him because I started to grow, the other versions of me didn’t have that privilege.” That gratitude helped me through the week (which I desperately needed considering how much more news I’d be getting). I woke up with the distinct feeling I got through the initial loop, with about half of that second one. I don’t know if that’s part of a quirk with how my processing limit works (that I’ve tried to make sense of with support) or if after a while, people just naturally are able to take on more.

Now, I feel more “normal,” whatever that means. I feel like this year has been the year of rapid growth for me, so I can never really say I’m the same person as I was two weeks ago. Despite this probably having been the worst month of the year in terms of events out of my control, I’m fine. I really do attribute it to my month+ run of Regeneration. There’s an inherent “This too shall pass” feeling with whatever I go through. As long as I’m alive, I refuse to stagnate or move backwards, so it’s impossible for me to NOT achieve my goals. I’m getting really close to a lot of them all at once, so I’m really excited to see what the new year brings.

Sorry this turned out long, I think writing everything out just turned things therapeutic a bit. It’s nice knowing people are reading every once in a while and it’s not just me talking into the void.

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I’m not a void, but I do get mistaken for an ai sometimes.

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