Thoughts and Rambles

[jelly]

Existential Kink is like connecting fully put together portions of a puzzle. Some that I learned as a kid, especially the transmutation. The sadomasochistic part is a little more recent, specifically when I started getting used to Stark Black recon. Finding a shadow trait I’d normally reject, seeing how useful it could be, and giving it permission to exist in the context I wanted — actively feeding and encouraging it. Some subtle awareness of unconscious patterns I wouldn’t touch. It’s like I’m being reminded I can actively do whatever the fuck I want. Those feelings aren’t off limits when I’m exploring dreams or resolving recon, why would they be during daily life?

@Malkuth, I understand what you meant now when you like listening to builds that are around where you tend to mentally “live”. I think I really liked Terminus before, the intensity + still being easily consciously accessible. I’m leaning more into Quantum though, I actually enjoy how calm that part of my mind is. Everything is knowing, and if I want to change, I do it on an identity-level before I even try to touch the pre-existing thoughts and beliefs. It’s so reassuring. Even when I was immensely out of it earlier, I can access Stark Black on a deep state level and still somehow end up socially at the center. I can focus even if there are distracting thoughts, they just fall away. It’s like this universal calm and knowing.

I love how I never know what RoD is going to do until after the fact, when I see the change it’s created. I went into last week with just the thought of wanting to consciously change. I’m still decoding the rest too, but it’s deeply satisfying. I enjoy this a lot.

Even when increasing exposure past previous limits, there was an immediate thought of “Okay, do this” and me gravitating towards the actions that would put me in alignment. No recon, just moments of wishing I got a little more sleep or needing a bit of time to relax. Inherently understanding what pieces are being placed where. Hearing deeply ingrained beliefs as I go about my daily life and seeing how they’re expressed.

The only “negative” I can even give is just me feeling a little more nostalgic for the older days of fighting negative beliefs directly as I waited for my world to change. It felt as though I was being productive 24/7. Now it’s just… patience? I know exactly what the change needs to be, exactly how it’s going to come about. But that means I’m left in a buffer, I don’t have exactly what I want, yet I don’t have much I can do other than live my day-to-day. This new EK stuff gives me some more to do now, I’m already used to twisting my emotions around to feel good and be beneficial. I think my dreams have been having a little more to them than is first seen, so I’d like to explore that. There’s a feeling I’m not feeling yet. Some portion that could be felt from fuller immersion, from truly enjoying them without guilt.

[jelly]

Ironic how we excavate the earth to get the means by which we leave it.

[jelly]

Ended the Stark Black washout. I think Vibes 4 will serve as a nice sub to cycle it out with since I at least did recognize them as distinct titles.

If the belief being reconciled affects where you ate mentally right now, then you’ll feel an emotional pushback. That’s mostly what I’m understanding. Having the stoic understanding and watching results happen is nice, but I prefer feeling a little pushback. It’s just a matter of changing where you are mentally, so the switch wasn’t hard. It’s nice to feel the victories and losses as you’re invested in them, not just a “oh, that happened” feeling.

Ran my first loop back yesterday and immediately felt it kick in. The sub is genuinely fun to me. My mind and body immediately recognize it and get excited for the massive growth being prompted. I even had a dream where I was part of a travel group exploring an abandoned town, yet only I knew it had been overrun with zombies and we were all about to be attacked and killed/turned. I’d been informed beforehand and told that naturally I wouldn’t die, and I took almost a twisted enjoyment in the fact that I’d be surviving this. Like if there’s a house on fire, it sucks that it’s on fire, but if it’s cold outside then I’ll definitely be enjoying that warmth. There was another girl who was speaking slightly cryptically which immediately made me suspicious with the possibility of her being like me, someone destined to survive in a hell like that.

Generally feels good to be back, although it may be a little while before the rest of my stack solidifies. My intuition came back too, so I guess that’s tied strongly to this title specifically.

[jelly]

@SaintSovereign it also feels like Summertime’s script is being repeated back to me. It goes by fast and pretty quietly so it’s hard to catch the words more than the feelings. But without any prompting, the moment I sat down and had time to myself, I started subtly getting directed to the feeling I felt and how it moves outwards. I then inquired how it is that it affects other people and I got a stronger push inwards — like for every outward impact it has, I too have to feel it.

Again, no actual words yet, but it felt really weird to be getting that kind of direction out of nowhere. Even with RAIKOV it took some kind of prompting for me to get real time responses. It’s like it’s continuously spinning around in my head just waiting to get caught and understood by some part of my subconscious.

[jelly]

The imagery from one of my dreams just clicked. It was a nice night with fireworks shows nationally and a bunch of people in my neighborhood (and others) sitting outside to see them. One of my neighbors started freaking out about how this would be the perfect time for us to be faced with a nuclear attack since everyone is outside and nobody would be able to tell since we’re already looking at bright lights in the sky. This was in one of my childhood homes that I distinctly associate with parts of my life. I listened in to what she said a bit but had also noticed everything was a huge mess — my car had a ton of stuff on the outside and the outside garbage can was busted. While I was keeping mind of what she said I was just cleaning and putting these things back together. I was also prepping a lot of belongings from the house for a move. I was just indifferently doing these things as the fireworks and my neighbor went on. The dream eventually ended before the fireworks show did, and it showed the progress I made with cleaning and packing.

Firstly, the fireworks and the lady definitely are the relaxation and enjoyment scripting and the paranoid part of me trying to assert that the moment I let myself relax, I’ll open myself up to being attacked in so many areas of weakness. Me indifferently listening as I notice my childhood home/outside in disarray is me and ASBR cleaning up my mental space and memories. There’s that apathetic feeling that lets me get things done and push myself, but even I took time to listen to her concerns and see the fireworks every time I came outside or felt I should. The coexistence of that productivity and discipline with that enjoyment, as well as still listening to the negative and keeping it in mind. Me moving and organizing these things also meaning my own active and growing state, I’m not staying in the same place. Not satisfied staying where I am, and preparing to reach a new place both mentally and physically. Moving out of this house also represented a distinct time of my life with a lot of emotional connotations and feelings around the time period, and it also served as a few closures from that time. There’s still a lot more to be unwrapped from then, but that definitely touched on some.

I didn’t even realize it at first, but the dream was such an elegant way of conveying multiple subliminals, my resistance, and my conscious self as well — on top of providing emotional closure and healing. The other dreams I had felt like more blatant experiences, adults from my past apologizing to me for things I can’t even remember, me acting weird or childish and either being told it’s fine or me reassuring an anxious part of myself that it’s okay and I don’t care if I’m breaking old rules or standards that I set for myself. This one’s the culmination though, such a concise way of packing so much meaning into a simple storyline.

[jelly]

Remembering all the things I used to do as a kid, making me realize that me responding better to denser titles makes so much sense. The same kind of intense self-introspection and solution providing from ZP is what I did when I was really young. It was like self-induced recon, so I felt depressed a lot, yet managed to get everything I set out to. I’m guessing the older ZP titles didn’t do much for me since I was already pretty harsh in how I’d force myself to change, so it didn’t feel very challenging or life-changing. I even remembered one of my old change principles, “Sit in your discomfort until it becomes your home.”

Loving that I get to unlock all these blocked memories of me genuinely knowing how human cognition and manifestation worked. So thankful that the tech’s evolved to the point of reaching that point and more. Now I get to utilize all my old ways of doing change work and dominating in anything along with these subs.

(it’s also probably why I clung to ASBR so hard, it gave me that level of intense questioning and results generation I was missing. It might also be why recon was never a huge deterrent for me like it was for other people, and it being virtually nonexistent now)