Thoughts and Rambles

Journals - Major Programs
#261

Existential Kink is like connecting fully put together portions of a puzzle. Some that I learned as a kid, especially the transmutation. The sadomasochistic part is a little more recent, specifically when I started getting used to Stark Black recon. Finding a shadow trait I’d normally reject, seeing how useful it could be, and giving it permission to exist in the context I wanted — actively feeding and encouraging it. Some subtle awareness of unconscious patterns I wouldn’t touch. It’s like I’m being reminded I can actively do whatever the fuck I want. Those feelings aren’t off limits when I’m exploring dreams or resolving recon, why would they be during daily life?

@Malkuth, I understand what you meant now when you like listening to builds that are around where you tend to mentally “live”. I think I really liked Terminus before, the intensity + still being easily consciously accessible. I’m leaning more into Quantum though, I actually enjoy how calm that part of my mind is. Everything is knowing, and if I want to change, I do it on an identity-level before I even try to touch the pre-existing thoughts and beliefs. It’s so reassuring. Even when I was immensely out of it earlier, I can access Stark Black on a deep state level and still somehow end up socially at the center. I can focus even if there are distracting thoughts, they just fall away. It’s like this universal calm and knowing.

I love how I never know what RoD is going to do until after the fact, when I see the change it’s created. I went into last week with just the thought of wanting to consciously change. I’m still decoding the rest too, but it’s deeply satisfying. I enjoy this a lot.

Even when increasing exposure past previous limits, there was an immediate thought of “Okay, do this” and me gravitating towards the actions that would put me in alignment. No recon, just moments of wishing I got a little more sleep or needing a bit of time to relax. Inherently understanding what pieces are being placed where. Hearing deeply ingrained beliefs as I go about my daily life and seeing how they’re expressed.

The only “negative” I can even give is just me feeling a little more nostalgic for the older days of fighting negative beliefs directly as I waited for my world to change. It felt as though I was being productive 24/7. Now it’s just… patience? I know exactly what the change needs to be, exactly how it’s going to come about. But that means I’m left in a buffer, I don’t have exactly what I want, yet I don’t have much I can do other than live my day-to-day. This new EK stuff gives me some more to do now, I’m already used to twisting my emotions around to feel good and be beneficial. I think my dreams have been having a little more to them than is first seen, so I’d like to explore that. There’s a feeling I’m not feeling yet. Some portion that could be felt from fuller immersion, from truly enjoying them without guilt.

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#262

Ironic how we excavate the earth to get the means by which we leave it.

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#263

Ended the Stark Black washout. I think Vibes 4 will serve as a nice sub to cycle it out with since I at least did recognize them as distinct titles.

If the belief being reconciled affects where you ate mentally right now, then you’ll feel an emotional pushback. That’s mostly what I’m understanding. Having the stoic understanding and watching results happen is nice, but I prefer feeling a little pushback. It’s just a matter of changing where you are mentally, so the switch wasn’t hard. It’s nice to feel the victories and losses as you’re invested in them, not just a “oh, that happened” feeling.

Ran my first loop back yesterday and immediately felt it kick in. The sub is genuinely fun to me. My mind and body immediately recognize it and get excited for the massive growth being prompted. I even had a dream where I was part of a travel group exploring an abandoned town, yet only I knew it had been overrun with zombies and we were all about to be attacked and killed/turned. I’d been informed beforehand and told that naturally I wouldn’t die, and I took almost a twisted enjoyment in the fact that I’d be surviving this. Like if there’s a house on fire, it sucks that it’s on fire, but if it’s cold outside then I’ll definitely be enjoying that warmth. There was another girl who was speaking slightly cryptically which immediately made me suspicious with the possibility of her being like me, someone destined to survive in a hell like that.

Generally feels good to be back, although it may be a little while before the rest of my stack solidifies. My intuition came back too, so I guess that’s tied strongly to this title specifically.

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#264

@SaintSovereign it also feels like Summertime’s script is being repeated back to me. It goes by fast and pretty quietly so it’s hard to catch the words more than the feelings. But without any prompting, the moment I sat down and had time to myself, I started subtly getting directed to the feeling I felt and how it moves outwards. I then inquired how it is that it affects other people and I got a stronger push inwards — like for every outward impact it has, I too have to feel it.

Again, no actual words yet, but it felt really weird to be getting that kind of direction out of nowhere. Even with RAIKOV it took some kind of prompting for me to get real time responses. It’s like it’s continuously spinning around in my head just waiting to get caught and understood by some part of my subconscious.

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#265

The imagery from one of my dreams just clicked. It was a nice night with fireworks shows nationally and a bunch of people in my neighborhood (and others) sitting outside to see them. One of my neighbors started freaking out about how this would be the perfect time for us to be faced with a nuclear attack since everyone is outside and nobody would be able to tell since we’re already looking at bright lights in the sky. This was in one of my childhood homes that I distinctly associate with parts of my life. I listened in to what she said a bit but had also noticed everything was a huge mess — my car had a ton of stuff on the outside and the outside garbage can was busted. While I was keeping mind of what she said I was just cleaning and putting these things back together. I was also prepping a lot of belongings from the house for a move. I was just indifferently doing these things as the fireworks and my neighbor went on. The dream eventually ended before the fireworks show did, and it showed the progress I made with cleaning and packing.

Firstly, the fireworks and the lady definitely are the relaxation and enjoyment scripting and the paranoid part of me trying to assert that the moment I let myself relax, I’ll open myself up to being attacked in so many areas of weakness. Me indifferently listening as I notice my childhood home/outside in disarray is me and ASBR cleaning up my mental space and memories. There’s that apathetic feeling that lets me get things done and push myself, but even I took time to listen to her concerns and see the fireworks every time I came outside or felt I should. The coexistence of that productivity and discipline with that enjoyment, as well as still listening to the negative and keeping it in mind. Me moving and organizing these things also meaning my own active and growing state, I’m not staying in the same place. Not satisfied staying where I am, and preparing to reach a new place both mentally and physically. Moving out of this house also represented a distinct time of my life with a lot of emotional connotations and feelings around the time period, and it also served as a few closures from that time. There’s still a lot more to be unwrapped from then, but that definitely touched on some.

I didn’t even realize it at first, but the dream was such an elegant way of conveying multiple subliminals, my resistance, and my conscious self as well — on top of providing emotional closure and healing. The other dreams I had felt like more blatant experiences, adults from my past apologizing to me for things I can’t even remember, me acting weird or childish and either being told it’s fine or me reassuring an anxious part of myself that it’s okay and I don’t care if I’m breaking old rules or standards that I set for myself. This one’s the culmination though, such a concise way of packing so much meaning into a simple storyline.

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#266

Remembering all the things I used to do as a kid, making me realize that me responding better to denser titles makes so much sense. The same kind of intense self-introspection and solution providing from ZP is what I did when I was really young. It was like self-induced recon, so I felt depressed a lot, yet managed to get everything I set out to. I’m guessing the older ZP titles didn’t do much for me since I was already pretty harsh in how I’d force myself to change, so it didn’t feel very challenging or life-changing. I even remembered one of my old change principles, “Sit in your discomfort until it becomes your home.”

Loving that I get to unlock all these blocked memories of me genuinely knowing how human cognition and manifestation worked. So thankful that the tech’s evolved to the point of reaching that point and more. Now I get to utilize all my old ways of doing change work and dominating in anything along with these subs.

(it’s also probably why I clung to ASBR so hard, it gave me that level of intense questioning and results generation I was missing. It might also be why recon was never a huge deterrent for me like it was for other people, and it being virtually nonexistent now)

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#267

Our personalities are just one elaborate temper tantrum. Each trait a way of screaming “look at me” specialized in a way to get the exact attention we want. Irrational and stubborn like children.

No wonder we don’t take so kindly to being told our own weaknesses, we’re literally being told that we’re wrong (potentially even that what we want is wrong). A child in a tantrum absolutely hates being corrected, LOL

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#268

Stark Black and Summertime are basically fighting and it’s really entertaining.

Not fighting as in the scripts clashing, more like SB was very good at latching onto the antisocial parts of me whereas Summertime is the direct opposite… yet Summertime also acts as a direct booster to everything that I just kind of ignored before.

@Philemon one of the ways it boosts (at least for me) is by making me comfortable with things I was initially uncomfortable with. I started to find myself with more social manifestations of situations I would’ve considered annoying before. Yet that’s the point, and it was just “oh, whatever” when it happened vs actively complaining in my mind. There are a few more avenues I’ve noticed it boosting, but those aren’t as fun as this.

It’s essentially forcing a new expression of SB that doesn’t involve me forcing a metric ton of stress onto myself with every action. That’s why they’re “fighting”, it’s my worldview being reconciled. And yet there’s not what I’d call traditional recon, just me noticing the belief clash and the internal reactions that follow. It being strong enough to hit the same parts as SB means that it’s not as if one will just outright dominate the other. Excited to see what ways I can take advantage of this and capitalize on the combination.

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#269

Interesting I though alot about this. I mostly agree, to expand on it its that there is a strong sense of comfort internally that makes external discomfort seem trivial. I have noticed as-well that where I would have judged certain situations I will just choose to enjoy it and make the most of my time there. I mean this in a way of dont judge a book by its cover, and by doing this I end up opening much more pathways to random manifestations.

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#270

Listened to Inner Circle yesterday since I’m still shopping around for a third title right now. Less than an hour later I forgot I ran it and “accidentally” took action and got an immediate result on something I wanted a month ago. Lmfao.

Reminding me of my first ever feedback in support back when I was running RoD. I put IC ultrasonic on as I went to sleep and in a dream, got told that it was almost done processing. Woke up shortly after just to see that it hadn’t even been two hours since the loop. I process things really fast. I’d been listening to other titles earlier in the day that managed to finish processing before I even got to IC. ZPU and stronger builds are absolute godsends now, the standard 15 mins or less are enough to keep me busy for a day or two.

Still need to figure out that third title though.

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#271

In order to lucid dream and keep the dreams vivid, you have to completely abandon the rules and physics of the world you’re used to.

I’d think subliminals count as changing the inner landscape of your mind, they’re describing a life you want and asking what you can do to create it.

So, what if you treated the subliminal like a dream when you listen? Recon is caused by the mismatch between your inner and outer state, so what if you let yourself completely change according to what’s being described? Treat what’s being presented as if it’s its own world that you redefine yourself in.

Tested this using enough input that I should feel some sort of backlash when processing, either recon or overload. As I listened, I let myself go into the same fluid state I’m in when I dream vividly.

Result? No overload, a really good feeling that’s been permeating everything I’ve done today, some Summertime results I’ll talk about later, feeling incredibly assured of myself in the way ASBR emphasizes, very good social results that feel absolutely amazing and me being a complete natural in everything, adapting to situations very well. A slight headache due to me staying up too late and not getting as much sleep as would be ideal, details of dreams not being remembered as well and symbolism being pretty densely embedded but making sense and applicable in multiple ways related to each of the subs. Both in the dreams and real life, I’m seeing expression from everything. As well as the ability to work and be productive despite actively processing ASBR during the day which is usually a little challenging (I normally listen at night to mitigate this).

And an insane amount of energy and excitement to just do anything. Like restlessness for the subs to receive expression. I genuinely might go for a walk to just be outside and get some of this energy out.

I think this worked so well because I have so much trust in what I listened to, as well as some synchronicity today making it easy for the changes to be expressed. It’s nice that it’s confirming the generalizability of my revelations from RoD to life outside of dreams.

Edit to add that I think the restlessness is nerves due to my body being inherently scared of change. There’s also an equal amount of excitement there given the fact that I left myself exactly the opportunities I’d need to take “easy action”. Basically, I’m able to feel joy from the fact that I can embody everything fairly easy and get the identity shifts “for free”. So it’s fear of the unknown being met with the excitement of a better life.

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#272

My first dream had literally such a nice one-to-one with this. I was competing in a driving competition where at certain points, different car parts would be replaced so that by the end, it was up for debate whether you were even driving the same car (Ship of Theseus type paradox). You were ranked on how smoothly you could drive the car despite those changes. Since (by other people’s accounts) I’ve been a very good driver even when I was first learning as a teen. Specifically that I’m really good at controlling the speed of the car in various conditions to keep turns super smooth. To the point that my friends’ parents would prefer me driving their cars than their own kids (another motif of adapting to different cars). I attribute it to how my parents naturally taught me and had me going out of my comfort zone a lot. There were also points between rounds where I would be jaywalking and naturally make it across the road with no issue, meanwhile a socially awkward kid from my high school tried the same thing and almost got hit by a truck. In the end I ended up placing second overall.

Very obvious parallel to me “lucid processing” my way through the subs. I’m good at smoothly navigating and living my daily life as so many changes are happening at once. It’s like I’m relying on an inner talent I had when I first started listening, while also simultaneously feeling out and adapting to the changes in thinking and doing. The jaywalking thing definitely relates to being social and how I can absolutely not care and violate whatever norms are held and still end up being the center of social circles in a way that other people can’t, which happened a lot when I was younger. That’s part of what the Summertime experience was today, I felt the same pattern and way of being re-unfolded in a way that felt like the perfect realization of everything I’ve been through. I got second place because there’s still some way I can take it a step further in my action I think, rather than only relying on my natural capacity for “driving”.

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#273

It’s nice that I got to realize just how fluid life is, but that was honestly hilarious. ASBR was processing for like three days straight, and it felt like I was being observed very closely for even the smallest misalignment. Like my mental landscape kept changing and I myself kept changing with it and not letting it find a single flaw. Which also meant I was super aligned with the archetype while also having some Summertime and True Social in my system. So needless to say, I now have more commitments I made for myself, but none of them are bad. I welcome the chance to show myself just how much I’ve changed.

It’s a little sad I don’t talk about most of my results here (since a decent amount of them are public), but it’s been great seeing things build little by little. Initial projects and connections snowballing into things leaving people confused as to how I have enough time in the day to get everything done.

What really convinced me things were clicking was yesterday, when I was running off of maybe 5 hours of sleep and somehow managed to keep going for almost 11 hours straight. I have to be careful to not let ST act as an excuse for me to overwork and undersleep. I can also realistically find a better balance exposure-wise and not force myself into go mode for that long, I just had to prove I was onto something and it wasn’t just my processing capacity spontaneously getting higher.

I feel like I’m so close to something. Same thing I’ve been chasing and getting glimpses of for the past two years. I don’t know it in words, but it’s a feeling. A really good feeling. The same one I get right before insane manifestations. I want that to become my default, and I know it’s close.

I found the source of that scared feeling, but I don’t know, I feel like I’m hesitant to let go of the feeling that there’s something else watching me as I take action. Like, if we were to say that listening to a loop is like making some kind of assertion, that watching feeling is what verifies that you really are what you asserted you are. Maybe like being tested? In other mediums of change and subconscious work there’s almost always some kind of subconscious test given to you by reality before it truly “accepts” the change. I had a similar feeling back when I first started like all of reality was watching me, so it’s hard for me to give up that belief that something’s there.

Regardless, my favorite realization right now is becoming comfortable with that watching feeling and being tested. It’s like a game. I assert who I am and for the remainder of processing, I’m thrown into situations that test it. If you’re comfortable with it, then there’s literally no pressure and you get to just enjoy your game against reality. I think ST’s helping with that state. Have fun and let your nervous system be regulated no matter what kind of hell you’re in, that’s power. That’s the kind of enjoyment I want to have.

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#274

Little vent and ramble time I guess. Less organized this time.

I can tell that whatever I did last week, I essentially figured out how to short-circuit the reconciliation process to the point that almost anything in my life gets reconciled immediately. I immediately accept and adapt information or some outcome into my worldview and feel little to no emotional drainage. It feels like the other side of stoicism.

You say you have some goal, but do you really value it more than where you are now? You experience recon primarily because there’s that disconnect between where you’ve been comfortable and where you know you need to be. So, what if you place full faith and confidence in your future self? That everything you value and want to keep now will be fulfilled by some version of you that’s better and more advanced in every way. Literally just trust you to remain you through any changes. That’s the only way I can verbalize it right now.

The annoying thing is that now, what I really want is some huge thing to crash into my life and force me to reconcile everything I am. I get no backlash from SB or Summertime, or really anything right now, and that’s part of the issue. I’m in alignment and the “small” changes that happen don’t really matter to me. So now what? Honestly, it’s making me really bored. Even giving myself more commitments just feels like “been there, done that, I’ll get through it”.

A little more introspection is showing me what’s happening. Literally the definitions of success I’ve had all my life are getting peeled away and confused. I hit multiple metrics last week that proved, both to other people and me, that I’m already hitting all the success points I wanted. Back when I first started here, I had a vision that included both an external and internal life. A very eventful and involved external world that required an internal one sufficiently capable of handling it. But I just proved that I could be placed in any environment and come out on top. So… what the fuck is this? My mind has to take a slow route and slowly move the bar to redefine what my life needs to look like, so what am I supposed to do here? I hit all the bars and metrics in my current world. It’s like if you completed a level in a video game and it suddenly started lagging and taking forever for the next one’s textures to load.

I think I’m understanding it in relation to the image stuff from last week. It’s getting edited slowly and deliberately, to give me a model of success and life that’ll be thorough and satisfy all of my wants across time. So now I’m just stuck here. It’s that created image that’s getting reconciled, a picture of my life getting fact checked against the world 24/7, sent back to be fact checked against memories and my own current wants, just to be sent back externally for the cycle to continue in a loop. There are small things I can refine in my life now sure, but I like doing those alongside the big changes when there’s the motivation of something to chase. I’m literally waiting for my worldview to update while I sit here.

I know this will clear with time, but that’s the most annoying thing. I’m just supposed to sit here and do basically nothing as I wait for some deeper part of my subconscious mind to make sense of the world in a new way. Since I’m basically hyper-plastic right now, it’s like I’m craving some kind of inner tension to resolve that isn’t being met. SB does give changes in the way I like, but I’d rather have that same density in other areas. It’s not as simple as just getting a name embed and beefing the build either. It’s the way concepts themselves are addressed. I might have to stick to that and Summertime until this clears. Might as well use IC as a booster in the third slot if I’m not gonna feel anything regardless. Or maybe switch to RAIKOV, but I don’t need it that frequently right now so it doesn’t even feel necessary.

So yeah, life-induced bored recon from a deep subconscious structure I can’t mediate. At least I know the source of it. My dreams have been hard to remember the past two nights too, probably from a disconnected subconscious and conscious view. I’m still myself in the dream, but the moment I’m bound by normal physics, poof, it’s like a different world that I can’t translate memories from.

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#275

A little disorganized again. I might keep saying that but I feel like I’m kind of under construction right now, so my normal standard of thoroughness is off.

I’m sticking with Inner Circle as my third sub. Good things start to happen whenever I listen, and I just got a manifestation that felt made for specifically me. After my loop earlier I’ve started to feel really good and like I’m getting talked to directly by it. I’m interested in almost every single one of its goals right now. It’s the same kind of alignment I have with ASBR, like a feeling that I can’t drop this. It’s like I’m being asked about all my deepest desires right now and it’s showing them to me as dream memories. It’s been almost a year since I started running it last year and I kept it in my stack for quite a while, so it has quite a bit to pick up from and work with. Back then, I remember having dreams where it felt like people were watching me. Maybe I’m just really enjoying that feeling now. It’s like there’s an unconscious social space where all subconscious communication takes place. On titles with social or network aspects, it feels like I’m being seen more in that space. Like I’m the focal point of attention.

Dreams are still different. I had a bit better memory last night, and it’s like I’m just living another life but asleep. They’re hard to recall because they’re just me but living another life. I was literally listening to music, having some of the exact same behaviors I have while awake, and with my own stream of thought about those behaviors too. I literally went on my phone and watched youtube like I normally would awake. At some point I also noticed a dream inconsistency with a building’s location changing in between glances. Instead of ignoring it or using it as a chance to become fully lucid, I just edited it myself? Like I went “oh, just let me do it” and I fixed it just like that, and went back to the conversation I was in. I’ve also had that kind of base level awareness the other nights too. Like how you don’t think about you being awake as you’re going about your day, it’s a baseline assumption. It’s that same thing here, just me being asleep.

That deep recon is still there, but I can tell progress is being made in different areas. The manifestation is one that showed me that for sure. It’ll have me slightly altering the way I see myself. I was insanely tired earlier and the irritability has been there for days now. Not even irritability, just slightly higher intensity of emotions. I’m already pretty good at keeping emotions subtle in me, so there aren’t any outbursts or cause for concern in my daily life. But it’s like there’s a voice complaining or just talking my internal ear off whenever something happens. The reaction is bigger than usual. I can see it, I can call it out. But it’s still there, like the emotion isn’t mine to clear. All I can do is rationally call it out and wait for it to dissipate or get distracted by something else and go about my day.

I’m also at a bit of a clash between ASBR and Summertime. Like I’m getting multiple signals about the things I like and that work for me, and they conflict on the surface. Relaxing is nice, but relaxation without anything to relax from means nothing. I do 10x better in anything when there’s a little bit of stress, or I’m just pushing myself and doing what I don’t think is possible. That’s the most recent ASBR one, and it’s pretty central and core to my life considering that’s what powers essentially all of my actions and growth. So Summertime would seemingly need to start working in that framework. I know there are a few more compromises that can be made, but the fact that I push myself past limits is something that can’t change. It’s helping me enjoy the journey while I do that, but I was subtly dreading listening to my next loop. This is my kind of reconciliation, deep enough that it isn’t reconciled immediately and is more philosophical in nature, yet not too deep that it’s not up to me to consciously find a resolution for. Also means that there’s no emotional reaction to dealing with it. It’s just there, something I try to tackle at least a little bit of every day (as I lowkey make it harder for myself by continuing to push my limits further). Subconsciously, strategic burnout is still a valid option for me. I know my mental limit before I’ll actually hit that point, so I can tease the line as long as I want and bring myself to that brink just as I’m about to get a break. Then it’s technically “zero loss” since that break will refresh me anyway. It’s difficult because I honestly think it’s a good strategy in terms of making the most out of everything. Like, if pushing myself gets me 10-20% more output and I’d be getting the break anyway, if I didn’t then it’d just feel like a waste. Not sure if that’s actually an ASBR thing or just a natural inclination it promoted, but it’s there. I’m thinking that adding caffeine back in moderation wouldn’t be a bad idea either.

There’s also a very strong feeling that I can’t be satisfied. When you’re satisfied with reality, you stop fighting for more, and I can’t stop fighting for more.

This might not have been as disorganized as I thought. Maybe I just thought too highly of my past journal posts, lmao.

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#276

@RVconsultant if someone’s waiting for their elites discount to get applied and has sent a ticket in, is it possible for them to get the discount difference refunded on a purchase? This is the second time I’m waiting on a response but don’t want to wait an indefinite amount of time before buying. The ticket dates on both are before the purchase was made and when the post count requirement was met.

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#277

The elite discount is hard coded into Main Store and Q Store checkouts. It’s not a coupon code as we used to previously.

So I don’t think the difference can be made another time.

Do check whether you have the discount option by going to the main store, putting a title in tbe cart and and seeing if there is a Elite Discount (or Arch Alchemist Discount) mentioned in the checkout page.

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#278

I have it for Initiate but reached the requirement for Ascended and am waiting for that to be updated, I have the 5% Initiate discount at checkout but not the Ascended. Similar thing happened before with Initiate except I hadn’t connected my accounts before so I didn’t get any discount. Back then I had waited almost two weeks for a response from support before just biting the bullet since it had been so long.

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#279

Genuinely sorry to hear that.

Was the latest request for the discount made in the new Support Ticket system?

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#280

Yeah, although it was made a little less than 48 hours ago. I just went ahead with it again anyway since the weekend’s coming up and I typically do express orders. This time it didn’t make too much of a difference but I just want to know if something like last time happens again I’d be able to get the difference back. I think I literally waited until the night before an update because I knew Q would be clogged from all the rebuilds if I did it any later.

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