Ah ok. Lets wait and see what RVconsultant has to say on this matter too.
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I would encourage you to enter a support ticket in the new ticketing system. That way, you can track your inquiry.
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It honestly makes me sad to see so much change work devolve into “just feel happy feelings and ignore everything else”. Sure, there is some merit to that kind of attraction, but it leaves out so much creativity or ways of doing things. Especially in making reality happen for yourself.
I’ve been very fond of the phrase “transmute the ground you stand on” lately. If you’re sitting there imagining a world where you’re rich, in what ways are you the same person as you are there? Unless you’re taking a break, you shouldn’t just be doing nothing. There’s an infinite amount of things that could be done. But more specifically, not accepting yourself just doing nothing is the more important part. Expressing the traits you want in the life you already have. Don’t create the image of you being rich 15 miles away, create it here. Connect it to what you’re doing right now. As you do that, you’ll naturally raise the ground you’re on, and gain access to even higher levels with even more surface area to work with. Take action that’ll act as the bridge between you and that place.
In addition, I don’t like the narrow focus on positive emotions in general. They may be nice, but that’s limiting your toolkit so much. What about making yourself so sick and disgusted with your current reality that you’d vomit if you had to sit with it for another minute? Using the anger of the current moment to propel you forward.
Find the things that make you feel a darkness deeper than you can describe. That’s your fuel. There’s some source, and it exists somewhere in reality. Run off of hate if you have to. We’re humans, we’ll fight against what threatens us to the death. It obviously doesn’t have to get this extreme, but I wish some people got a lot more comfortable with being uncomfortable. Going to sleep emotionally uncomfortable is one of the things I’m most proud of learning. The tension and unease forces me forward when I want to just curl into a ball and hide.
This can be done negatively too. There’s a recent memory I’d rather forget. I found the belief behind why it happened. It hurts and feels really bad that I have to call it out, but I’m amplifying it. Forcing myself to feel it strong enough until no part of me can stand to follow that way of living anymore. I don’t care about wishing what I want into existence, I want to burn the things that are keeping me and it separate. A healthy routine would utilize both.
Part of me really wants to try Vortexdive Crucible, but the other knows that I’ll probably use it a little too well.
Magic and occult practices just seem like big symbols. Just like the subconscious communicates in symbols. You create the right symbolism, it responds. You create the right symbol in a ritual, the world responds.
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Paragon Sleep results enhancement goes crazy. I took melatonin and set things up so I could have deeper sleep. Got a dream where I was debugging a project with a specific person with me. Code and the different variables were flying all around us. When I woke up I thought the dream made no sense since I already finished debugging it a few days ago.
Guess who I just helped debug a project very similar to mine? We literally had both of them pulled up side by side. Lmfao.
Probably boosted ASBR since that’s what typically gives me those types of dreams. Haven’t had one in a few weeks since my sleep’s been godawful.
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I’m like 80% sure I lived through the next few days last night. Went to sleep with multiple things to ask people today and tomorrow. I literally got answers in my sleep? Literally as if I were asking them in the places I’d see them. So I literally didn’t need to ask anything, I just had the answers that I’m fairly confident they’d give and I used that to inform my decisions today.
I got an IC + Primordial Aura NE last week and it’s honestly so interesting. I used my first and last name in it. Immediately got dreams putting me in incredibly uncomfortable positions that felt almost fine-tuned to annoy me. I recognized it in the middle of the night the second night and literally called it out as a clash between my normal way of doing things and what IC is pushing and said to just show it to me. Next dream was about me being pursued by foreign spies and my country’s ones (all women) trying to figure them out. In the middle of the dream I ran into a family member in my house and literally called everyone out telling them to go to the basement until they left. “If you haven’t known me for at least 10 days then go to the basement”, and they all listened. One of the ones on my side tried to go down and I had to grab their arm and tell them to stay. Almost 1:1 with how I deal with recon in real life. It’s very much nitpicky. Outside of my name being called in official settings, I only heard my first and last together when I was in trouble as a kid or when I’m mentally nitpicking myself now. With nothing changing other than the name and module, I’m pretty confident that’s what it is. I hardly ever get IC dreams, let alone multiple nights in a row.
This morning it genuinely felt like I was a different person. My mind was just different. I guess that’s what good sleep will do. I’m lucky that even when my sleep was bad and I had the IC clash, I’ve never had a gap in results. Got a job offer that’s a raise from my last one, accidentally met another one of my school’s deans, manager of the coffee shop I go to caught me outside and recommended me a manga, running into people, and obviously the recent dream stuff. I also walked past a girl smiling at me who I didn’t recognize while writing this, so I know I’m getting immediate results (two or three small ones a day that I notice).
I also took a nap earlier. I like naps since I’m still partially conscious enough to interact with whatever imagery I’m shown. I’m still not one for creating entire dreams, but I do like remembering and trying to decode what’s happening in real time, as well as talk to different parts of myself. It’s almost always in this unconscious language. Sometimes it takes decoding to understand the feeling, but it was really nice today. I’m reconnecting with some older parts I cut myself off from. A decent amount of them social. I like having read Existential Kink because it’s like now I’m trusted seeing more shadow traits. Something that’s fucked up is only fucked up because of the context it’s being viewed in. Like mental disorders just being the overactivity of some perfectly normal trait. The nap felt nice though, comparable to a nap I had after RotNW, but it felt a little different. Utilizing sexual energy but for a different purpose.
I think I’d like to start getting as acquainted with IC as ASBR. It’d be super beneficial considering everything ASBR lets me do, and I’m assuming this seeing a few days into the future thing was a mix of those two and Paragon Sleep. With how much I like RoD, it’d make sense that the newest sleep sub would activate some of the same parts of me. I like being able to overtly feel clashes between a sub and my current way of doing things, it lets me consciously choose to adapt and take on the changes it’s giving. I like challenges though, so that may just be a me thing.
I can do a full loop of ASBR with literally no side effects other than needing 9 hours of sleep that night. Instead of any recon or discomfort I feel even better the next day. I’m definitely getting close to that point of normalcy I reached on the standard build. I’m also pushing myself into a lot more responsibilities, so it’s not like there’s any large reconciliation that needs to happen. Because of the sleep thing I try to space listening out until I know I’ll sleep well, but after a few days I just start wanting it again. It’s really motivating to get work done. I can be exhausted and sleep deprived but if I just think about finishing something, I get this surge of energy to do it. Summertime finally reconciled with it to bring me enjoyment from the things I do rather than the time I spend after doing nothing. I guess ASBR “won” that, although I’ll start running it again once I have some time to relax.
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Stressful week, another one coming up but I feel like I should at least talk about this. I found a point of major reconciliation and emotional reactivity a few days ago. Like setting off a landmine. I found it on Inner Circle which I’m currently using a full name embed on. Once I found it I leaned in hard on emphasizing the feeling, since it’s almost guaranteed to lead to growth. The next day was like a really nice bloom. Meanwhile last night was probably one of the most graphic dreams of my life. I’ll spare the details but there were two versions of me, and one of them died in a horrific way that was essentially his worst nightmare. And the other version of me had to witness it as he was the only person trying to save him. Very bloody, very PTSD-esque. I consciously feel neutral but even then acknowledge it was extremely traumatic.
Not the best thing to wake up to, but it is what it is. Predictive dreams feel like a norm even as I rotate different titles out. Probably my favorite result is from an hour ago. I already know Primordial Aura is going strong, but my friend said verbatim “normally with anyone else I don’t feel like drinking, but it’s when you specifically ask I realize how susceptible to peer pressure I am.” Me who’s known her for a few months getting compared to people who have known her for over a year. Direct influencing aura getting used for evil I guess since we started drinking together after I got the NE, lmao.
Anyway, ASBR washout (-> Vibes 4), IC → RAIKOV for the next few days, and Paragon Sleep. I don’t get switch recon and I’m pretty good at timing switches right as current work ends that it doesn’t matter much. It’s almost unfair to people that thought I was cracked before, but I keep being surrounded by geniuses who are always one step ahead of me. I can’t stop until I’m an equivalent to at least anyone I meet. That drive will keep me going until I die.
The dream world has nice parallels to this one, with how I literally think to myself about the different effects I’m getting. There are some old worldviews I used to have that were apparently really accurate that I keep getting spoonfed bit by bit, I probably thought ignorance was better back then. Ideally not, but probably back to lurking for the next week.
The unconscious space where social interaction takes place, subconscious knowledge withheld, the state where true manifestation happens, etc etc. If you’re like me, just find a way to make whatever your wildest dream is seem mundane and complain about it. No greater way of claiming ownership than finding the downside of what anyone else would die for.
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Quick addendum that we probably only want to be ourselves. So if you’re not moving in the direction you want to go in, it’s probably because you don’t see yourself in it. Introspection and such and start to show yourself how that thing brings you closer to a truer expression of yourself.
Recon is different and I don’t get overloaded unless I’m really pushing it. I’m assuming most of that dream came from IC but I also think part of it came from me reconciling a bunch of life goal stuff at once, so there really might’ve been a me that “died”.
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Maybe I intuitively took a break from ASBR because my mind just wants a break. I just came off a meeting realizing how crazy I sound. I’m coming back from doing 20 hour work weeks on top of classes to jump into finals and projects. One of the things that’s started happening is that I don’t have to think too much about what to say socially and the words just come. I just talked about exhaustion and wanting to sleep despite already getting a decent amount. Even my voice and tone sounded tired. My reasoning for washing out was that I wanted to take a break from academic manifestations since those were happening in droves. They’re probably the most stressful thing to me.
Maybe some self-worth thing, I need to always be doing something and pushing myself. My immediate family always saw it but even I’m starting to now. I’m objectively really successful looking from the outside in, in ways that’d dox me if I talked about them, but it’s always the feeling of “okay, next” after anything. I’m just surrounding myself with stress. I had to get a quick answer on something, so I texted the dean of my school and got it. Cool, but now whenever I open my texts it’s their name near the top. I’m really fortunate that I’m in a situation where I even have their number and they like me, but that very much does not overshadow the fact that I have to feel like I’m on my best behavior whenever their name comes up. It feels like I’m doing a ton of things on the fly and making it work only because it’s me. There’d be no option other than to make it work, it objectively wouldn’t exist. It’s just forcing myself to adapt to anything that happens. And it’s worked out, but my god I need to decompress. Not even stepping out of the identity I’ve created, I just want to spend a few days not having to think.
RAIKOV has helped with memory and studying, but I think it came along with a rush of creativity because I absolutely had to get a music idea out today. I just wanted to be with my keyboard in Logic.
Inner Circle feels like it’s directly telling me what to do. I’ll get that thought randomly after listening. I feel like that’s the major difference other than results just feeling smoother and targeting a deeper part of me. I actually had to start forcing myself to consciously look for IOIs again, I got so used to rationalizing them away that I didn’t even notice when strangers were receptive. I’ll also decide to walk a slightly different way and end up running into friends. I like the way things flow now. I also don’t care that much. Not directly as an IC thing, but it’s like some kind of response to the world. Maybe Divine Dominion but it started a little before I started it again. It’s like some “optimal” way of going through life. Less worries, faster growth since I can abandon anything I don’t like, and surprisingly me explicitly acknowledging that I don’t like certain people and not forcing myself to feel bad about it. I also wouldn’t care about coming off as rude since it’s my life, and I get along with the vast majority of people. It’s also a little like betting, since I mentioned before I’ve never not adapted to something even when people think I’m crazy for trying. So I can essentially bet on it like I always have, and that means I can care even less. The people I actually do need to care about seem fine with me figuring things out on my own, and it keeps working, so maybe things really are okay. Or they’ve always been okay, and I’m the one that wasn’t okay with it.
I also came to a realization about sleep. Since it’s literally your body becoming vulnerable, wouldn’t it be like betrayal if you let yourself sleep in a “not safe” environment? It’s what your body considers not safe. Loud noise? Literally one of the biggest indicators you’re absolutely not safe. Light? Associated with daytime, when you’re typically out in the open and not safe. Mentally overthinking or overstimulated? Why the hell would you be overthinking if you thought you were safe? I will be enjoying going back to sleep in my own bed soon. My childhood bedroom is the epitome of safety to me.
I know something good’s going to happen soon, I think the feeling’s coming from IC but it could be some of Vibes too. Idk, I’m crashing off of caffeine at this point. More introspection to come as I procrastinate take a break from my papers. Here’s to an energy drink free summer (please?).
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I won a research award. For a poster that was a first draft since I was busy working on an ML model. For a presentation I didn’t practice since I was also studying for exams.
Ironically it started from me bombing a performance for the first time since probably elementary school. It’s super uncharacteristic of me since I’ve done professional gigs before. Even more so since it was a song I could play with my eyes closed. It’s like I felt the gravity of everyone’s attention for the first time in a while and it knocked everything out of whack. But it didn’t make too much sense to me since I’ve literally learned things on the spot while performing before. It felt similar to what sometimes happens on an exam when I know every bit of material and still manage to fuck it up. So I looked for that feeling and found it. I used RAIKOV to create a sanctuary in that place to keep me as I am. Right plop in the middle of the anxiety. Similar to how I am when I dream or have little mental restrictions which I’ve made a lot more often now. I used that place to study for a specific final and give the research presentation from. They didn’t post the stats from that exam but I’m near 99% sure I was in the top five. I absolutely destroyed my previous scores.
The kind of fucked up part of this is that the moment I got up from performing there was a part of me that was insanely excited. Immensely enjoying the fact that I’d now found a new flaw about myself in one of the most embarrassing ways possible. It wasn’t even embarrassing. I’d found a part of me that wasn’t perfect, so that meant a new area I’d get to feel the satisfaction of becoming perfect in. I make small errors, but it’s never to the point of actually being a flaw in the grand scheme of things. Failures are the fastest way to learn, so maybe I was happy that instead of small nitpicks, there was actually a big issue I had to fix? And I was able to do it in less than two days so maybe there is some part of me that’s just waiting for mistakes it can correct.
I feel like I’m also getting called out more on not celebrating the wins I get. I typically like to have an “onto the next” mindset and not be proud of things in front of people. Got called out two days in a row on it on how I should still acknowledge the role I play in things and not try to say it was luck. I feel like it’s such a weird line to toe that I don’t even want to cross into cocky territory, but I let myself feel happy by myself or with specific people so I make sure I’m rewarding myself too.
Forgot to mention the award came with a cash prize as well. I also just got a raise from my job that I wasn’t expecting.
Hoping I can get a lot out of this next RoD run. Having a Stark Black washout feels actually really good. It feels like everything’s solidified this time instead of other times when I was dependent on the input to push me forward. It’s like it became innate. I’ll force myself to reach those same standards anyway, so it’s not like I need to hear the audio for it right now. A break from it feels nice too. I initially stopped because I wanted to give Inner Circle enough space to make the changes it needed without me feeling forced to compromise, but it just feels like a mental break and letting myself explore other things without the pressure to be perfect at all of them. I like just adapting to things and seeing what happens. I deserve to explore a little before exploiting again. It feels as if I’m reacting to everything like it’s a dream. Just adapt to the environment and forget whatever you thought you were, the true you will follow suit. If something is really a part of you, you don’t need to cling onto it. It’ll be with you regardless.
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Congrats on the research award!
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Thank you!
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