Thoughts and Rambles

Journals - Major Programs
#164

It has been a while since the times I watched a lot of anime so I’m a bit out of touch with the latest :sweat_smile: I’d say my top three would be:

  • Hunter X Hunter (2011)
  • Hayate the Combat Butler (2009)
  • Phantom: Requiem for the Phantom (2009)

Special mention for Kill la Kill that I really liked,
Ranma 1/2 though I prefered the manga over the anime, and Ixion Saga DT that I found really funny, as a manga I really liked Criminale (though there’s no anime of it)

Edit: Also yeah I see love as a fluid that flow through everyone, though those who close their heart to it won’t feel it. Every act and speech is either guided by love or guided by fear, but what is fear?
Is fear not a signal used to signal a perceived danger? Then is it not out of love for the self that people fear? If so, wouldn’t that mean that love is in every act and every speech? Be it love for the self or love for other.
Though as you said, there aren’t many differences between the two, since love for others is a way of showing love for the self, as we tend to love idealized parts of others from our inner self and reflecting our inner self, something we want for ourselves, something we believe we need in life.
Hence why I see fear as kind of counterproductive most of the time, and why it is important to examine its source. If I’m afraid because I see a tiger or a man with a weapon threatening me, I’d say the fear is quite valid and should be acted upon, because the source is needing to preserve the body and life, which is kind of a high priority to me.
Though the way we react should be closely examined rather than just going with the amygdala way of fight-flight-freeze-fawn, we could maybe find a better way than the first primary survival instinct. (Saying this as someone whose life was threatened quite a few times by armed men, and having reacted not in the most efficient way at least half the time.)

When people are racist or otherwise discriminatory, it’s often because of fear, and not seeing the other party as quite human due to closing their heart, but rather as a dangerous concept, and so their amygdala respond to that fear and make them say bulletin or react badly to a perceived danger/threat, though the other party may just be living their life.

They don’t see that the other is a human like them, and connected to them, that the fear is coming from the inside, from their projection due to beliefs. This could be solved only through the racist and discriminatory people dissolving these beliefs that cause them so much anxiety and fear, and henceforth anger. And this dissolution may only happen if they want it to, if thdy find this belief no longer serves.

I find that loves on the other hand always serves. It always gives.
And we can think of people giving even when they have nothing, even when it hurt them, I was like that at some point in my life, but that’s not love really, is it? Isn’t that just using others to take care of ourselves, fearing to go inside of us, and see how we think ourselves as undeserving, how we qualified ourselves like that thus cutting ourselves off from our inner self,our feelings and our needs, to live only by proxy through the reflection of the self in others.

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#165

Actually so good.

What was the one you mentioned watching in your journal the other day?

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#166

There was re:monster recommended on youtube, I watched it, I didn’t like it :slightly_frowning_face:

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#167

So would you say there’s not much difference between being harmfully selfish and harmfully selfless? Both value some being so highly to the point of the detriment of another. Two sides of the same coin?

Reminds me of the people that would say that social anxiety is also a form of narcissism. You think about yourself so much that you think other people also think about you that much. The only difference being whether the thoughts are negative or positive.

Damn, the youtube recommendations are always hit or miss.

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#168

Exactly :blush:

And yes on that too, though I got quite a close perspective on narcissism, having a mother and grandmother with NPD.
What I seen growing up, is that the needing to be the front and center of other people’s life, her needing to feel like the number one priority in the life of anyone she slightly care about, come from a huge lack of self-esteem and self-love, though she’d deny it in a beat. This is why she relies on the esteem and love she see coming from other people, and instead of using her own she rather project esteem and love externally and feed off the reflection.

And when people don’t meet her expectations, if she perceive others not giving as much love as she expects, as she needs really since she don’t give herself love, then she classify them as enemies, including her own children.

Social Anxiety is also due to putting on a barrier so thick that love doesn’t permeate through, though instead of fearing the inside and projecting outside, it’s the other way around. Two sides of the same coin exactly.

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#169

Do you think some forms of social anxiety could actually just be that kind of narcissism expressed in a different way? People that fear the outside, project outside, but still show all the traits like your mom do? I guess I’m thinking more of personality differences, since different people will react/adapt to different stimuli in different ways. One could learn to resent the outside and be anxious of it, one could learn to hate it. Both are results of not feeling “enough” love. Couldn’t narcissists also be said to put a barrier up too?

Hopefully those questions make sense, I’m crashing hard lmao.

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#170

Oh, yeah probably.
Generally, from my experience, when something is considered as a danger, it tend to cause fear responses, anxiety being an unnamed fear, and anger/resentment being also a possible response fight-flight-freeze-fawn, all are possible instinctual responses to perceived danger.

and yeah, same mechanism for both, just two side of a barrier, but both are erecting the barrier, looking at it, and limited by it in both their perception and actions.

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#171

Didn’t get too many hours of sleep, but I woke up for a few seconds and noted how slow I felt time moving. I wasn’t planning on dilating at all, before I went to sleep all I knew is that I was gonna be getting a little less than I wanted. RAIKOV usually picks up on desire or intent before I even have the conscious thought to pursue it. Modeling getting a lot of rest in a short timespan? This sub is genuinely just a way to hack anything.

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#172

Shift today. My coworker asked if I could cover her if she left early so it was just me for a bit. Decided to get some work for a class done since I had some free time. Not even a minute after I finish that, the things we were running finished early. Normally I’d be sad since that means I’d get paid for less time, but because my coworker left, I ended up working about the same time I would have initially. And I finished everything I had to do today super early.

The posts I’ve been seeing on social media today have also been good. On my main accounts that people follow me on I usually can’t curate my algorithm as well because of all of them posting, but a lot of the posts I saw were funny, inspirational, or generally just pleasant to watch. Quite a rarity in one day.

Since starting at SubClub, I tend to get good feelings right before something good manifests. Typically a day or two before (sometimes hours), but the most recent one was weeks. It felt like something was in my orbit and I had to prove myself in alignment with Stark Black. That thing turned out quite big. I’m getting another feeling now. Not as big as that one, but one that if I think about for even half a second, I can’t help but smile inside. Just that whatever it is is going to make me happy. I’m on day 3 of no subliminal input and am trying to decide if I want to manually process a WDB microloop or if I want to let myself just bask in this good feeling for a little while, turn this into a mini washout.

I’ve seen the girl from my first WDB report a few times, each time she’s happy to see me. I showed up late to my friend’s party and the spot next to her just so happened to be the one open. A little physical contact initiated by her, she’s self-admittedly a touchy person, plus we were drinking a little. A new smaller friend group is forming, and since we live closeby, that means we’ll basically be walking back together weekly. We also pass each other between classes, so it’s nice to exchange pleasantries in passing. I really don’t feel pressured to find out “if she likes me” or care about an outcome. I like my new philosophy, just let things be. She’s a new friend, and if that changes down the road, then that’s just what it is. It’s my new way of living, why should my wellbeing be reliant on something outside of me? I should be the only one that can make me content with my life.

RAIKOV is doing its RAIKOV thing and helping me in every area I originally wanted. Overall a good day. The past few days have been good, and the next few will be good too. I’m satisfied.

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#173

Realizing I’m unconsciously modeling one of my professors now.

Directly following his philosophy of breaking down an argument into logical propositions and decomposing them in the same way you would a mathematical proof. I felt a little more in sync with him in lecture today too, with him frequently making eye contact with me and intuiting when I wanted to answer a question. Didn’t get exactly the answer he wanted, but oh well. Can’t model someone perfectly if I’ve only known them for ~4 weeks. Maybe doing more of the readings would help :joy:

The modeling really is unconscious though. It’s as if I take the framework and way of thinking itself and transform it to my own. Then apply it where I see it would be beneficial.

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#174

Interesting dreams all around. The first “dream” didn’t feel too much like one, but was more me debating with other people about how Stark Black and other subs would express in particular situations. “It would express like this because of [insert some stylistic, copy, and scripting reason]. Is that better than this other one? How would that express in this specific situation?”

There was a full on dream world and continuity. A lot of different events happening, some that I can’t remember and others that I can recall a little bit of. One thing I think is interesting is that characters retain their memories and behaviors from past dreams. So there’s a dream version of my mom that has all of her real memories, and then the memories of the actions she’s done in dreams. Kinda trippy.

One dream of interest was me getting married to someone I’m deadset on working with in the future. Afterwards, I even got to spend some time with my childhood best friend who came to the wedding and his family. I think I was holding back tears, it felt like there were a ton of emotions being released. A little bit after, I was spending time with my friends on the roof, who started to leave one by one. My family was actively looking for me throughout this entire dream, and I was able to watch them from this roof. There were a few other times I could see them, but those other times all included an elevation difference where I was on a higher surface than them, and they weren’t able to see me (or just didn’t know to look up).

I’m interpreting this as a huge subconscious clearing. My intent to what I want my future to be being signified by my “marriage.” The rest of my mind is becoming fully onboard, as I’ve dedicated myself to doing this. My childhood best friend also being there helping to connect the dots between child me and me now, with the emotions being cleared finally reconciling some of the differences we have. Childhood me is coming to accept the me now as his future, and connect all of his desires and hopes onto me. The fact that I always remained out of sight and elevated above my family signifies to me that I’m rejecting some element that’s been in my ancestry for generations. I’m breaking some kind of cycle, or multiple cycles. I’ve already stated my intent to live as I want to in the past, completely away from any familial influence. Not in the sense of me separating or distancing myself consciously, more that I refuse to have the same limitations that any of them have. It’s my life, and I don’t care if it means “killing” a part of myself to reach the life I want, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I’m going to be the one that surpasses every expectation of me, even my own. I’m going to live the dream life I’ve wanted to since I was in high school, that desire has never changed.

Following that dream was one where me and some of my close family set fire to an apartment building that we lived in. I don’t think it was a traditional apartment, more like a big multi-story house that happened to have multiple tenants, including the old couple that owned it. All the other tenants were able to get out, but the old couple was still inside. While the building never actually got to the point of burning down while I was in the dream, I was thinking that they were trapped, that it was sad, but I was focused on something else. That something else required that we burn down the building and not care about who got caught in it. I don’t think it was required for the couple to die with it, but we were following the “let what happens happen” philosophy.

A beautifully fucked up dream that feels pretty easy to interpret, especially after the one preceding it. I’m burning down a self-made and purposed home I used to live in. That mental home, old beliefs, ways of thinking, ways of doing things, were deemed to be unnecessary, and so we (I) burned them down in the night. The tenants that all got out are the mental structures that are still vigilant and that will still serve me going into future from where I am now. I’m not attached to any of them but thought it would be a shame to picture any one of them not making it out. The old couple are the ones that made this home that used to serve me and I used to live in happily, but is now holding me back. If they’re old mental structures that are no longer of any use, they have to be burned away, it doesn’t matter how attached to them I am. I value my future self more than I do me now.

Overall very interesting that I got these dreams on what’s now a washout, but I’m glad I’m getting the indication of these things being worked on. Hoping that I can welcome in new status quos soon, that I can grow into a different person that’s strong enough to handle everything I want.

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#175

Very incohesive, thoughts from throughout the past few days.

While walking earlier I got the distinct feeling of a future version of myself. I’m starting to resonate with the person that has everything I want. I guess something mentally clicked, because I could directly feel the part of me that’s going to become more prevalent. It’s from WDB and it’s going to be one of my biggest attractors. It’s hard to describe exactly what it is in words, but it’s like that part of myself that can look at someone I know and just smile, be happy with how they’re doing and growing.

I feel like I can be the person I want to be in 6 months. It’s difficult thinking about all the growth and “burnoff” that I’ll have to do. Not necessarily that I don’t want to do it, but that I’ll feel bad for the things I’ll have to say goodbye to. I know I’m coming closer to understanding who my mind’s eye’s image of Stark Black is. I’m already more decisive on who I want to be, what I want to do, the emotions I want to feel, the people I want to be with. Rather than it being me looking into the distance, it’s as if for a lot of those desires, it’s getting compared to the me now. “What about me now is holding me back? Why wouldn’t I be able to have that if I woke up tomorrow?” I really like that last question, even just typing it I feel a lot of thoughts coming up.

I feel like one of RAIKOV’s deeper objectives is to model the person I want to be and become him. I already used to do this, but it’s even more prominent now. The question “What’s the gap between me and him?” happens subconsciously so much more often now. It’s like it aligned with a deeper part of me, the part that will do anything to get what he wants. He did it to get me into the colleges I wanted, he did it when I fought to have the life I do now. Now it feels like he’s slowly drawing a circle around the self I want to be. Visualizing it, understanding its very texture, drawing every small detail. Asking “what’s the gap” feels like a cheat code, it’s one of the things I’ve been using to speed up my growth lately. I take it on as it’s identified. I don’t need to consciously understand it, I just need to take its essence and thread it into my being. The one thing is that this question now comes up consciously too, completely naturally. If I want something, my first question is what’s the gap, which honestly feels like overkill. I can’t have the part of me that fights between life and death latching onto me just craving a cookie.

I’m feeling very much like my life is about to change to. I can see the alignment in all the changes ASBR has made in the past few months, building on top of the past two years. Especially in me becoming a more private person. I’ve been more comfortable with the subconscious fame and attention aura being a little higher, it’s just naturally there. My personality is better at dealing with it and adapting. There’s a few minor things left, but they feel very internal and Love Bomb-y, just me going in and resolving a few inner child things and guaranteeing my happiness. I feel like the last big step is aligning all of my desires and dreams to what I’m chasing now. I’ve been pretty fractalized, but now a majority of my being wants the me that I am now to pursue these things. My younger selves intuitively understand that me getting what I want means they get what they want, because them being happy is also what I want. I want to kick up the WDB processing and tie it a bit more into Stark Black, but we’ll see. There may still be a bit my subconscious wants to prioritize before I can reroute the objectives into something else.

I’ve been a little nostalgic for how I was last year. Since I was still on my break from subs, my mental state was a lot different. I was fun though. I’m glad I got to have the experiences I did, and I found some good music. Similarly, I’m also getting a little nostalgia for high school and when I first “left” my own little bubble in the first place. The other night I mentally recreated the location of one of my favorite places back then, so if I want to go back and “live” there for a little while, I can. It’ll make it easier to interact with the mental structures and memories from back then. There’s always so much to learn from those past selves. I’m almost there. I think I want to meditate(?) again. Can I call it meditating if I’m just going inward? Like lucid dreaming while awake. I’d call it daydreaming, but daydreaming has a more fantasy connotation, meanwhile I use this state to resolve recon, analyze my state and day, etc. Literally exploring my own mind.

One thing I really like about that professor I talked about earlier is that he uses the word reconciliation a lot. Often to refer to two opposing worldviews, both valid and that evidently have had someone’s entire life experience going into them. Rather than completely devalidating one of them, we carefully go through the arguments made, and find the “incorrect” point. Less incorrect, but an assumption being made that perhaps isn’t valid, or a small leap in logic, a generalization that gets made a little too broadly. It could be completely fitting in its original context, but it’s exaggerated just a little too far out of its range. I’m also reflecting on that even from the start, I never disliked recon. It signified that what I was doing was working, and that I was making progress. On some days I’d even be happy once I felt it. Maybe a little masochistic in some way, but it felt amazing to break through it. I learned to adapt when I felt strong emotions, such that another version of me would take over when they came. I could be in recon and still be the funniest person in class. I still get messages from people in those classes every now and then that they miss it, it really was fun. Maybe that’s what’s led me to the point I’ve gotten to now. Unless I’m super low on sleep, I’m pretty unaffected by my recon or processing. Sometimes I’m more internal, but that’s not a negative, just a different way of being for a little while.

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#176

Very simple and symbolic.

I was in a new place doing something, while also watching over a kid. I was basically responsible for him and taking care of him in the best way I could. After a little while, I had him take a shower. While I was regrouping and deciding what should be done next, someone annoying also happened to be there. Very much detracting my attention and getting on my nerves. Even my dad was laughing and thought it was hilarious I had to deal with them.

So, in conjunction with the past few nights, I’m “raising” something new and acting as its caretaker. We were traveling, so we’re in a new “place” with me acting in charge. I had to deal with someone I thought was annoying and wished wasn’t there (and that I honestly would be fine not seeing again). There’s some mental structure, habit, belief, behavior, or cluster of those that have still stuck around. I recently just took really huge action in an area of my life, and intend on doing the exact same thing in the coming days. So, I need to get rid of this thing that wants to stick around. My typical way of getting rid of unwanted things involves listening to ASBR and consciously guiding it to get rid of whatever it is. Basically turning the sub into its own Total Breakdown. It sometimes feels super harsh or intense, but that’s kind of the point. It’s the cleanup that allows me to grow at a faster pace than I normally would. Plus since I did it a lot two years ago, I’m able to handle doing it with minimal effect on my daily life. On top of a stronger urge to start listening again, I think a washout of 4 days completed its goal. I completed my rest, and am ready to run forward at full speed again.

There’s still a few aspects of earlier in the dream/the dream before that I’m trying to remember, but I’m also doing pretty well with it right now. I usually wake up for a few seconds in the middle of my sleep cycle and I used to use that as time to write down my dreams. But I think at least during the semester, I’m valuing my sleep too much and absolutely hate being near blue light when I’m half-asleep. So, I’ve been utilizing the Clear Sight module of RAIKOV to encode and remember my dreams until I officially wake up. I did pretty well yesterday with remembering the important aspects of both dreams, as well as some smaller details and early interpretation.

EDIT: Just an experimental idea and idk if I’ll go through with it, but potentially switching between ASBR and WDB as I’m listening in increments. Like 0-3 minutes ASBR, 0-3 WDB, 3-6 ASBR, 3-6 WDB, etc etc. That way they’re “encoded together” a bit more. I’d normally consider microlooping ASBR since I’ll be out for quite a bit later, but because I’m trying to burnoff certain structures, I think it may be better to use the full one so there’s no room to adapt. The parts of me that can handle it can handle it, the parts that can’t can’t, no coddling with less exposure and risking having to take more effort down the road.

One of my dreams before was about me being late for class, and the time 2:3X showed up. That could’ve been the dream I had around 2:30am, since typically when I dream of a time, it’s a similar or the exact time that it is at that moment. During false awakenings when I try to reach for my phone, I almost always still see the correct time if I’m not stressed out about it.

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#177

Super chatty. I feel like I could go from focused to the charismatic WDB state at the drop of a hat. Maybe a little too chatty, but I can’t complain considering I wanted to accomplish being social at the same time. When I listen to a full loop of ASBR, I tend to just be in my head for a while and work slower, not talking as much either. My professor also bantered with me a little which was fun, I like it when the environment’s comfortable enough to joke around a bit.

My theory and reasoning for trying it was that two different parts of my subconscious would be receiving input, with neither getting a full 15 minutes straight. ASBR wouldn’t be able to pull my consciousness down deep, and the part of my mind that’s closer to consciousness would be processing WDB as normal. Since they were interweaved, the subconscious closer to the surface would interpret the input from WDB as a way to accomplish the goals being communicated from the deeper subconscious. So I’d remain more social while those deeper concepts are being processed. It’s still pretty early after and I have a bit of my day left, but I’m happy with the results so far. It’s funny how I can relate it back to my dream. If the part of the subconscious that processes normal build subs is like a child, the deeper subconscious is basically distracting it so that it can focus on doing what it needs to, like how I sent the child off for a little while as I dealt with the stubborn structure that wouldn’t go away.

I tried this same thing almost two years ago and didn’t notice as much of a difference, which could either be because every sub was in the same build, or I just wasn’t as good at managing subliminal input as I am now. Both are pretty plausible, but I enjoy this significantly more than listening to a full loop of one followed by a full loop of the other. It could also be letting WDB hit deeper, I’m not sure. I just feel overall better and like I can still adapt to whatever circumstance I need to rather than being pulled heavily in one direction. I’m starting to feel the typical forehead processing sensation I usually do, so it might be that since I’m not around people anymore, ASBR is doing its thing.

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#178

I’m lucky and something good is going to happen to me. That thought is coming back stronger.

I’ll probably be traveling again soon, it might be good to get Polyglot. I feel a strong connection to the me that first got to travel for work.

Just ended up pausing my show at 1:22:22 before I’m about to leave. Same show I watched religiously while traveling. A deeper part of me feels very excited and giddy.

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#179

Needless to say I’ll be finding a way to normalize this alternating schedule :joy:. ASBR is processing and yet my mind doesn’t act like it. Everything was super smooth, I was funny and able to make quick jokes, and I don’t feel the slight heaviness I usually do when I’m usually processing it. WDB could also very well be hitting deeper since it was more closely tied to the ZPQ loop, but that’s something I’ll see more effects of later. Genuinely so great though. Today was already going to be good, but I was just on it. Slightly more chatty than I’d normally like, but I think that’s something I can consciously adjust either when I go to bed or in the moment in the coming days. Worst case I just don’t listen to the full WDB loop.

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#180

@Wonders just tagging because this might be a cool strategy to try as you increase your WDB exposure. Interleaving with the title that grounds you the most. I think once you have the Regen/LB custom that would be such an OP combination. Subconscious mind is like okay I’m going to be genuine and attractive, let my more surface level expression of that be through loving myself and giving myself space to heal.

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#181

I’ve been noticing how strong the recent titles are. I think since about Regen is when they picked up. Maybe Wanted was the last one that felt “normal”. I want to say it’s the density, but I wouldn’t even know how to vocalize that, I doubt they just started ballooning the scripts in size or increasing the builds. But there’s a distinct difference between a title like Inner Circle or True Social and Dream Boy or RAIKOV. The effects stay longer, processing is more spread out over time, and they just generally have a stronger mental effect. Maybe I should take a few days to compare again since I know I’ve grown a lot in these past few months, but I can’t help feeling it’s the subs themselves too. They got more powerful while I wasn’t looking. Absolutely excited for the future. Waiting to see what the artisan title upgrades will look like with anti-recon and adaptive scripting backing them.

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#182

Both are linked :relieved: thanks for the recommendation ^^

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#183

Compared to back when I tried it a few months ago, I think I can directly work with ASBR as it’s processing now without getting “kicked out.” Could be related to my interleaved listening yesterday, but I also think I’m just more acclimated to jumping down deeper and understanding my subconscious more. Possibly some growth + Clear Sight action going on.

Forgot my dream (and interpretation) at the last second though so… tradeoffs I guess.

It hasn’t even been a full two weeks, no way I’m giving up on mastering these things yet. Every result keeps acting as a reminder to me of how perfect my stack is for me right now.

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