Hello guys, as you know I’ve had gaming and streaming, and other things as goals. And all has been great. Seeing progress and learning so much.
Then I started running RoM and the heavyness and struggle disappeared. The ambition stopped being so heavy and I realized alot of ways I self-sabotage but also put myself in a box. Also that I most likely were trying to fill a void inside me with validation and external or superficial success. Now I am leaning towards doing things I enjoy and love and success is just a bonus.
But this has made me very unsure of what goals to have (if any) as the biggest goal I’ve had (still do) lost alot of it’s intense struggle and I feel not as driven anymore. I mean it’s a hobby I enjoy alot and success would be super nice, but I used to self-attack alot of I didn’t stream. It was loaded with self-hate and anger. Like I felt like a loser if I didn’t take action or had conflicting goals. Very rigid and toxic to myself. All or nothing thinking. That heavyness is semi gone with it’s negativity, but also the motivation to stream. I don’t force myself to stream anymore. If I do it it’s just because I enjoy it. What a relief.
Anyway this had me realizing I want to keep RoM, because of the revelations and nudges towards areas to explore in my self, so I am interested to spend this whole year with it and potentially the upcoming revelations series, Revelation Of Spirit, Revelations of Body. I mean, what if I am chasing phantoms, I want to understand my mind, my body and explore the universe, spiritually with the help of subs. Before I feel comfortable setting new big sub/stack goals.
Another areas RoM has helped me to see and nudged me towards is healing. We all have flaws, and we might not get rid of all of our scars and traumas, and who says you need to anyway? But I do want to go on a healing journey as well.
I have been more aware, more now having a baby and building a family, of my upbrining, the good and the bad, but most importantly, the anger and the discomfort with emotions. I want to work on that, for my child, to not lash out on them or loved ones. I want to perhaps stop the cycle.
I have also set a goal to motivate myself to exercise, to run a 10K race in 3-4 months. Couch to 10K style. More gaming chair to 10k to be fair. The fitness/health programs are most likely beneficial here, but I want to explore healing for now. I have treated my body like I am going to live forever, so after spending January candy/sweets/chips free, and seeing results, I feel confident to stay without the daily sweets and push my health further but needed some goal to motivate me.
Anyway, first run I will focus on healing:
- Revelations Of Mind
- Love Bomb For Humanity
- Chosen From Within (the test one we got with Chosen)
There are other good subs for fitness and healling, but I am going to start with what I got. RoM is awesome for so many things, but it’s staying to help me navigate and discern and understand that which will emerge with these healing subs. I am going to be flexible. This run I am focusing on interpersonal trauma and anger. And then we’ll see what unfolds.
“Don’t swim, float.”
I will start tomorrow and most likely start with microloops a la 1.5 - 3 minutes.
Wish me luck and good luck to you all, 2023 will be a tough year, but also a year of opportunity.