I’ve been enjoying a short cycle of ASBR and Seductress full loops and added one full loop of Phoenix DR before washing out for the rest of February. It felt aligned to bring Phoenix in while some older protector patterns have been resurfacing.
I’ll likely resume Phoenix next cycle to continue refining those parts and dissolving the habits that no longer match who I am becoming.
I grew up with a disorganized attachment style, moving between avoidant and anxious tendencies. I have done a lot of work to become more secure, and I truly am more secure. What I notice is that when I open myself to real partnership, my internal system activates. The parts that learned to anticipate, manage, and stay hyper aware still like to step forward.
The dopamine surge from new attention can still create an internal flare. The difference now is I do not act from it the way I once did. I am not over functioning or chasing like before. If I am honest, there can still be subtle moments of overgiving. It is just far more conscious and much less intense.
I am no longer interested in dating for far off potential. I rewrote my ideal partner list and refined my non negotiables and dealbreakers.
A couple of days ago I deleted my dating profiles. Not from defeat, but from discernment. I am still open and still meeting people in aligned ways, including men I have already connected with and through my socials. I simply did not want to keep entertaining dynamics that do not meet my baseline.
I was briefly entertaining someone who uses nicotine, relies on energy drinks, and struggles with work life balance. I felt myself leaning into old patterns for a short moment. Instead of abandoning myself, I spoke up honestly and established healthy boundaries.
That felt like growth.
I have baseline standards and they need to be honoured. I am all for being supportive of someone’s growth and transformation. I believe in evolution. But there has to be a solid baseline already in place.
For a long time I was drawn to men who were still becoming, and I naturally stepped into the supportive role. There is nothing wrong with growth. We are all growing. What I am adjusting now is my comfort with being with a grounded, self led masculine man who already embodies discipline, integrity, and self responsibility. A man who meets me as an equal and holds his own standards with pride.
I am straight edge. I do not consume substances anymore other than coffee. I do not take painkillers or pharmaceuticals. That lifestyle matters to me. I feel better this way. I am more grounded, more regulated, and more myself. And that is not something I am willing to compromise.
I am still open. I am simply no longer available for inconsistency, avoidance, push pull dynamics, or projects.
I am refining my capacity to receive reciprocity, steadiness, and shared leadership.
We have a 6 year old daughter together, so I do see him quite often.
