06.08.24: No sub.
This morning, I feel entitled to feel and be strong. It feels good.
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Khan Black is working on my limiting beliefs. Limits get destroyed. Yesterday a civilian Chinook (Columbia 107-II Vertol) helicopter was lifting trees nearby.
This was the helicopter, lifting trees (not an actual foto of yeasterday, thought)
I was always fascinated by helicopters and I told one of my collegues “If I will be born again, I would like to fly helicopters”. Then it hit me like a lightning bolt: I can fly helicopters in this life! What would prevent me from doing it? I did a quick google search, and really, there is no reason why I couldn’t do it. I always thought this is something for others, and that I’m not good enough… I don’t think that I’m going to learn how to fly helicopters (not in the near future), but at least I know now that I could do it!
07.08.24: 15 min Khan Black, Stage 1
07.08.24: 15 min Emperor
While running Khan Black and Emperor this morning, it even got more apparent to me, that I don’t live to my full potential because of fear. Mostly fear of rejection. But even knowing that now, the fear is still strong. Hard to break it. But to know about a thing, it is easier to overcome it. I look forward to it. More boldness will grow in me.
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09.08.24: 15 min Khan Black, Stage 1
09.08.24: 15 min Emperor
10.08.24: No sub.
12.08.24: 15 min Khan Black, Stage 1
12.08.24: 15 min Emperor
It’s interesting: with Khan Black 1, the magnetic pull of attractive women seems to diminish. I still recognize their beauty and appeal, but the uncontrollable urge to scan them with my eyes has lessened. I feel more relaxed and in control, with less nervousness and fewer sexual thoughts when I’m around them. The sense of neediness isn’t entirely gone, but it has decreased. It feels more mature, less like a teenage obsession. I’m reminded of a post by @Malkuth, where he explains the concept of the “Blind Self.” I was always unaware of this aspect of myself, but my wife clearly noticed it and understandably felt insecure when it came to my interactions with women. While her insecurity hasn’t completely disappeared—partly because it’s also her own issue—I don’t add as much fuel to the fire as I used to.
Emperor and Khan Black does also make me more independent of others, especially from my wife. I don’t try to please her as much as I used to. I find myself asserting my own feelings and thoughts more often, not allowing her to dismiss or diminish them. This makes me feel more alive and strong, but I also notice a lot of anger starting to surface. Energy is starting to circulate.
Washout begins.
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This!
I recognized that I don’t feel and don’t act “natural” around good-looking, attractive women. I’m blocked and fearful. I see that this will bring up tension in every direction.
12.08.24: 07 min Ascension Chamber
12.08.24: 15 min Emperor (did one more loop in the afternoon before washout)
13.08.24: Feeling my inner frame growing stronger.
Since this realization, I’ve become increasingly relaxed around women. I’m not entirely sure where the uneasiness comes from, but it might be related to my own sexual desires. For some reason, there’s a part of me that resists these feelings, labeling them as “wrong” or “dirty”. But it’s not. It’s just a natural thing. I don’t have to be ashamed of it. I don’t have to act on it. Just be. Relax.
Washout till monday.
A few days ago, while reflecting on my life, I realized that a lot of my feelings of “being stuck” stemmed from not expressing my thoughts and feelings openly to others, particularly my wife. I’ve always had this lingering fear of being wronged, undervalued, or ridiculed, a fear that was unfortunately reinforced by past experiences. However, I made the decision to change that.
Taking the first step was liberating. It felt good to break free from the self-imposed silence, even though I still wrestled with the fear that initially held me back. I made a conscious choice to not let the reactions of others, particularly my wife, dictate my own sense of self-worth. When I opened up about things that I would have previously kept hidden, I actively reminded myself that it was okay to feel the way I did, to have acted the way I did, and to express myself openly and kept pushing my own truth to her. Even if she didn’t agreed. It felt good to have my own opinion and to hold on it. It’s my life. I do things differently and think differently than her. And that is okay.
The process of building an inner strength, initiated by Khan Black and Emperor seems to be working.
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Funny story: today I had to call my phone provider because they messed up with the invoice. After some terrible and ridiculous explanations why I’m at fault and not the provider, I chose to escalate it further and asked to be forwarded to the superior of the employee. It was the first time I used the assertive technique “broken record” as explained in the book “Then I say no I feel guilty”. It was hilarious. She told me again and again that it is not possible (technically) to forward my phone call to her superior. I kept saying in a calm and relaxed voice that I understand her, but I want to be forwarded to her superior. I think I had to do that for about 10! times. Finally she gave in and offered that I get a phone call from the superior. Yay! I’m still waiting and think I should have let it go for a few more rounds, but the lesson told me that the technique works and, more importantly, that I’m able to follow through with it. And, surprisingly, I had a lot of fun with it 
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Washout of 7 days ended. Second cycle of my current stack (switching to stage two of KB).
19.08.24: 15 min Emperor (morning)
19.08.24: 15 min Khan Black, Stage 2 (evening)
Today I feel more grounded and “whole”, calmer.
I had a manifestation regarding my wealth goals:
I got the opportunity to do some work for the new partner of my sister’s, to pull the chestnuts out of the fire for him and make some nice graphics for a sales pitch. It’s good pay for not too much work. And it came unexpected.
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21.08.24: 15 min Emperor (morning)
21.08.24: 15 min Khan Black, Stage 2 (late afternoon)
22.08.24: Rest day
This morning I feel pretty lost. I don’t know what my meaning in live is. What I want and what to do. Live feels boring right now. Is that Khan Black that’s kicking in? It’s not a new theme, thought. But pretty intense.
Accompanying Reading List:
The Stoic Path to Wealth by Darius Foroux (investing)
It was an interesting and simple read. Some tips on long-term investing in ETF paired with some Stoic wisdom. It made me want to put some money into ETF’s for a long period (20 to 30 years). Have to investigate more in the different types of ETF’s, brokers, etc. before I will put any money somewhere.
Update: What this book delivered was an overview of a totally unknown topic for me. Every journey starts with a little step. And that it provided. A tip of the toe in the unknown ocean of the financial industry.
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It’s so strange: when I’m talking to someone with expertise or with a higher status role, I alway feel like a boy listening to them. Man, I’m in the middle of my forties, and also have many experiences, knowledge and the such. There is no point for that childish downgrade of myself!
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Heavy recon: the amount of self pitty and envy I have today is almost unbearable 
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23.08.24: 15 min Emperor (morning)
23.08.24: 15 min Khan Black, Stage 1 (morning)
23.08.24: 15 min Khan Black, Stage 2 (morning)
Did a mistake while listening to KB and loaded Stage 1 in my player. Just recognized as the loop was over. Decided to run Stage 2 anyway. Will see how it goes. After that, 2 days of washout until monday.
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No side effect of my accidental “experiment” yesterday (see above). No heavy thoughts, lots of energy and sex in the afternoon…
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