The Ecstasy of Khan

Journals - Major Programs
#41

So, I came to a bit of a realization, I guess.

I think Freud’s right. I got mommy issues. Like the elephant that believes it can’t break a tiny little rope (learned helplessness), she messed me up so bad I’m actually afraid of people. Call it a very mild case of anthropophobia. Which would mean that all the successes in the past have been me using willpower to force myself through. Which is quite a feat, given I have been considered a “natural” at times in the past.

So why bring this up? This weekend we had a teambuilding/communication thing with the volunteers. I figured I’d join (trying to say yes to as many social events as I can get away with and it looks nice on the gap in my resume). When a few people told their tragic life tales, I thought I might as well tell mine. I’ve always been reluctant to dredge up the past, but I figured if I’m going to be working with these people, they might as well know where I’m coming from.

As I was thinking about how to describe it, I came to a conclusion. I was afraid of people. Not a big fear, but not a simple anxiety either. More of a light defensive reaction/tension in my body when I’m near people I don’t know intimately.

I don’t know if this is a thing, if I’m correct in this assessment and the social animal I have been at past times in my life was the exception to the rule. But if it is real, it would certainly mess things up. How much effort would Khan have to make to get me to overcome this? Much like a parent berating a child, I will honestly say I am royally annoyed by this. I still love myself, but I’m very annoyed.

I wonder if I have Alchemist to thank for that one.

In other news, I couldn’t sleep last night, so I tranced out for 8 hours and came out fresh with no bags under my eyes. I have now been up for about 42 hours. I have heard stories of meditators that can replace sleep with deep meditation. But isn’t REM sleep required to live?

Maybe AMASH is right. Maybe Alchemist is doing some groundwork to make Khan and EoG work better. Shhh… don’t tell him! :wink:

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#42

You’ve maybe came to a realization that you never wanted to see in yourself or admit to, so you would hide it from yourself and others. I have a lot of those. I really didn’t know how fucked up I was till about six years ago. Now I’m 35. I bet amash is right. I hid my own problems from myself and others. Never wanted to believe it. I guess your uncovering a mountain of treasures :wink:

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#43

Some enlightened folks have gotten so high they don’t have to sleep but they end up doing so just to be able to be normal and live in this world like everybody else. The one individual that I’m specifically referring to is Lester Levenson. If you can get a hold of his audios they’re worth a listen. Some of it is unbelievable yes but if you’re on a path of awakening, enlightenment or whatever you want to call it and you’ve had some personal experience then you know there are things that are within the realm of possibility that, well, just wouldn’t be believed unless somebody experienced them for themselves. Another guy named Syd Banks talks of his enlightenment experience and he never slept for three days, I think that’s something that also happened to Lester Levenson but I’d have to go through all the audios to be sure again.

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#44

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
– Will Rogers

A lot has happened in my life the past few months, most of it not so good. Add to that the holiday chaos and I ended up taking a longer than expected break from the forum. But I felt that I should come in and update this journal. I’m still on the journey after all.

At this time, I am on Khan ST4, EoG ST4, Alchemist ST2 and PCC. I have also switched to masked-only versions (even though I am considering merging masked and ultra together). It is a lot and I wouldn’t recommend it. With so much less time in the day for each sub, I am forced not just to listen day and night, but also to stay with a stage for multiple months before moving on. The ST4’s will slowly keep working, while it is about time to switch to Alchemist ST3. PCC is a recent addition. I assume there is some overlap between the cores of all of them.

Let me start this first post of 2020 with a confession. I have been neglecting the subliminal “boosters” somewhat. My handwritten journal hasn’t been updated every day, I did more slacking than action-taking. And as a result the results haven’t been as pronounced as they could have been.

But the subs have been working. For the past few months I have been feeling a pressure building in my mind. I can best describe it as if the passive, living-in-the-comfort-zone part of my mind has locked itself away in my mind to prevent the changes from happening.

But like flowing water, the subs have been slowly eroding the door’s hinges and lock until it finally broke down and the subs came rushing in like a flood. For the past weeks I have thrown out pretty much everything that wastes time and started a bunch of new habits. TV and games that I used to find interesting now bore me within minutes. I can’t walk past a piece of clutter or junk anymore without my mind asking me to deal with it that instant. And if there’s no place to put it, it either goes to charity, the thrash or I grab my tools and some wooden boards and make a place for it.

On top of that the Limitless modules appear to have kicked in as well, as I’ve started remembering stuff I saw/learned ages ago as well as started learning new stuff. Instead of movies, I am now entertained by documentaries, audiobooks and TED talks. I started finally learning Italian. I am displaying skills I didn’t know I had any knowledge of.

Of course, there’s the side-effects of all this. The sheer amount of yoga makes me ache all over, I have to force myself to sit down behind the computer long enough to read the forum and I have yet to go to bed on time. Still, at the end of every day I can look back and find only a few moments when I was actually being non-productive.

But I’m okay with this. Every day it’s getting better. As more and more clutter disappears from my life, and I either do or discard the things I had wanted to do or see, I get more and more time to do the important things in life.

A special mention to @anon3072973 as I am also finally starting to see my manifestations happen now that I write them down consistently. I have a few thoughts and ideas about them though.

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#45

Welcome back! Man I was actually worried a bit cuz it’s been so long.
Sure, Id love to hear your thoughts. I must confess I became a bit lazy regarding manifesting hehe…

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#46

“Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content.”
– Helen Keller

Yup, new thing. If I’ve been away for longer than I intended, I’m posting a quote about silence.

I figured I’d make a post every Saturday or so, only to end up reaching Sunday and thinking to myself “Well, I’ll do it next week then.”

Actually, a lot of stuff has been happening still. I don’t know if it is because of the New Year’s momentum or because the subs are finally breaking through (I did switch to masked right before all of it started to happen), but I am enjoying it.

I have noticed that I have gotten more and more comfortable around strangers. More on that later. I’m also exercising with reasonable regularity. I still need to find a rhythm though. Going to bed on time and more importantly waking up on time continues to be a challenge.

I suppose the biggest thing that happened was two weeks ago.

I’ve been cleaning up my digital life (digital stuff is just as detrimental to one’s productivity as physical stuff). About two weeks ago I was trying to create a system that will eventually lead me to empty out my mailbox (if anybody knows a good way of exporting mail to PDF without using the Print-to-PDF method you have my gratitude).

As I was cleaning, a mail popped up from LinkedIn that I had received a message. I figured I should answer and while I was at it send out a few replies to the more recent ones. Within 10 minutes I got three replies back. Don’t those people have other things to do than wait for me to contact them? :slight_smile:

So, one of those three asked me to deliver my resume before 10 am the next day. Which I did. Then he asked me to deliver arguments that proved I met the requirements before 9 am the next day. Which I did. Then I was invited to an interview. Which I attended. And two days ago I was told I was the best candidate and if I could start in two weeks.

All because I figured I should just reply to a few of those messages. Was it the subs helping me overcome my apprehension at having such a large gap since my last employment? Would events have happened the same way without them? I honestly don’t know.

There is one thing though.

Throughout my life I tend to switch from one extreme on the social spectrum to the other. So either I am Van Wilder or I am a father wisdom living alone in a mountain. The balance has always been elusive.

On the day I had the interview, I first chatted up the security guard as if we were best friends. Then the interviewer came to get me, and after going to the coffee machine, he lost me as I was busy joining in on a birthday party celebrating all three birthday girls. I remember looking over and he was standing at the exit waiting for me as I was enjoying myself. I obviously didn’t make him wait too long, but long enough that he knew I would have no trouble fitting in. He was still smiling when I rejoined him, so I think I was safe.

That one I am willing to attribute to the subliminals. For some time now I’ve been in that monk-state, and every time I saw a stranger celebrating something that little party voice told me to go and join in, to no avail. This time, it just happened. So thank you, subliminals. Maybe I’m finally getting to a balance.

Another thing is that I’m starting to get less attached to things. Which makes me less tense and less OCD about things. That’s a good change too.

And I’ve been eating less.

Finally (and partly sad), I find that only very few games and TV shows/movies still catch my interest. That frees up time for more important things. Saint tells me that is one of the effects of the subs.

All in all, apart from the sleep-cycle, everything is going great so far. Normally I would have calmed down by now, but this year I seem to keep moving. Which is great.

Well, that’s it for now. I’m curious what happens next.

@Matt, I am reading your journal, even if I don’t reply. I’m certain I’m not the only one. Thank you for sharing!

And to all the INTJ’s out there, we are the geniuses of the world, I think we may need to do something about all those INFJ’s hogging the forum! Who needs feeling when you have thinking, right? :wink:

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#47

That sounds amazing. Congratulations on your ongoing results!

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#48

@DarkPhilosopher - good going, man!

PS: and regarding INFJs…HEYYY!

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#49

Awww, did I hurt your Feelings? :stuck_out_tongue:

The world can definitely use more INFJ’s. Especially with all them rude INTJ’s running the place. I used to have a girl who was one, she was amazing. She did like me as much as her therapist as she liked me as her partner though. Having studied your thread a bit more, I can see you appear to be the only one there firmly planted in the INFJ front. So you have my apologies for being insensitive.

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#50

@DarkPhilosopher - haha nah. Am cool with the lighthearted jabs. Until somehow I get triggered by a persistent meanie. You are cool though.

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#51

What are you all doing reading this?! It’s the annual commercial day of hearts! Go forth and procreate!

:wink:

Wait, what am I doing writing this?

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#52

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
– Søren Kierkegaard

Recently I have been feeling like I reached a point of exhaustion with this stack. Like I need a break. Stopping subs altogether doesn’t feel right. So when the offer was made to test EmperorQ, it was exactly what I needed. I have always been reluctant to run Emperor since people spoke of the anti-social side of it, and my social side is weakest.

Which makes EmperorQ the perfect way to interrupt this stack and break the mental plateau.

That means this journey is going on hold while I’m running EQ.

So let’s see, what has been happening in my life since the last post?

I have been at my new job for little over a week now. I had no trouble adjusting and seem to click quite well with everybody. It turned out the first task I was assigned is something I’m very weak at, but after admitting it I got some help and got my first victory. Work is very comfortable. I haven’t had any huge challenges yet, but interactions with people at work are pretty much effortless. I have also been quite capable at absorbing information. But I’d like to think I already was.

Still haven’t found my rhythm yet, meaning I find less time to sleep and exercise. I do take the stairs at work, and since I work on the 16th/17th floor that’s exercise by itself.

My eating habits are still changing. By now my cheat days are far less “cheaty” and snacks less tasty. I’m considering switching to OMAD or ADF. It’s easier when your days are distracting thanks to work.

Alchemist has been doing a number on me, I’ve been almost obsessed with energy work, energy technology and sound healing. I’ve also been working with crystals. I also found that I have very little mental chatter. I can clear my mind in seconds.

My mood has been quite stable. No signs of reconciliation, just a constant drive to discover new things. I’m still adjusting to things, but I keep a positive outlook.

Now… on to EmperorQ. This journal continues after the test concludes.

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