Never have I ever thought that an improvement in social expression would be the fastest result I’d get on subs.
Rn, it seems like a massive vessel is adjusting course.
The river of energy I usually feel coursing through me still remains silent. Very unusual for my experience on either Khan or WANTED.
The only thing left is the subtle impetus to not reduce myself anymore.
Scheduled first week of September for my gut detox.
I’ll start prepping my body. Temporarily swapping my stack in one week intervals from Sunday.
Firstly, Streams of Vitality (SoV) for Paragon Sleep.
Then, Boundless v3 for Paragon from the following Sunday.
Lastly, CD for LBFH by the final one.
Then, about one week of washout before returning back to my regular stack.
Humans should at least have the emotional experiences as evidence of their existence.
Right?
What does it mean to be human?
No, what does it even mean to be an existence in the first place?
Alas, the key I refused to receive has returned once more.
Is it finally time to open this door?
Yes, your answer has always been yes. You can not escape this door forever, neither will it pass you by
I know.
But is it really my place…to take the visage of a god.
In return, I ask you—who are you? What is there to take?
When will this end?
Run again or accept it
There came a point where I began to feel like a being that transcended humanity, heavenly mandate incarnated into form.
And there’s currently only one word in my vocabulary to describe that.
But identifying as that seems blasphemous, along with the perspective I’ll have to approach the world with.
So I ran.
I kept turning my attention to every other aspect of myself. For how can one of that stature be as lacking as I am?
The more I ran, the more concepts in my world beckoned for refinement. More questions, unanswered.
Running wasn’t working.
So I reduced myself, every chance I got….just so I can feel like one of the masses.
I designed emotions, expressions, even affirming pain, just so I can feel something for a moment longer, so I don’t face what flows through me.
For if I do, it will be expressed.
And in each moment of reduction, I cut a piece of myself away.
It was painful, but I kept doing it, over and over again.
Madness.
I’m back in the middle of what I can only describe as existential recon.
For something so existential, the stress only registers in my spirit. Every other level is as plain/usual as they can be.
Unlike my past experiences, there’s seemingly no obvious intensity. I can sense I’m suffering, but the usual emotions, physicality or energetic upheaval doesn’t come with it.
They’re so stable It’s almost bizarre.
This is the first time I’m experiencing such clear cut distinction.
What I’m about to say are based on my own inferences and experiences. I recognize that this, in a way, is a message to myself. You can think of it as the musings of a wandering minstrel.
Firstly, you’re not alone in this.
It seems you’re becoming aware of the nature of “assumed” identity. Conditioning in general.
To be clearer, you now see that who you thought you were was not truly you. And you’re now seeing the exact interactions of how that identity was built.
This depth of awareness could have come in a short time and can be destabilizing. Hence, you not feeling like a “person”.
Also, note that most regular “person” are not aware of this aspect of reality. That doesn’t diminish who they are, but it can indirectly influence how you interpret what a “person” is.
A simple block for this could be
“Person” should be unaware, but I’m aware. Hence, I’m not a person.
This is a definition/relational conflict.
The statement itself is illogical and falls apart when the concept of “person” is further refined.
Emotionally, this could be a process of shedding attachment to conditioning.
Secondly, there’s no need to be worried though.
Think of it like seeing the intricacies behind the world building function of reality. And eventually, learning to consciously wield that function to define your own identity.
This process happens multiple tones in life, on different scales and in different contexts. However, it will always pass, leaving you with more clarity on who you are and choose to be.
Finally, give yourself more time to refine your definition of a “person”, who you choose to be, and, how you fit in the picture.
Go to a random walk/destination, that makes you feel safe. Meet any person that seems open to you and engage them in a conversation about life and conditioning.
What you have built is not in vain
What do you mean?
I built the man I am today. There’s thousands more steps to come, but look at the thousands behind me.
And?
You expect me to take this risk?
What was that again? Yes!! the Diceman. I thought you thought yourself a gambler?
The Diceman forecasted…the trends of reality itself. He was sure. Only God could stop him even he moved. He never gambled.
What if what you refuse has already been forecasted? You just refuse to see
When I take it up, what happens to me?
Wisdom and Conquest. Not everyone can behold a god
Amidst the chaos
The lesser rises
To take its chance
But it is futile
For I am
I remain
What an unfortunate time
For you to be
Woke up this morning to my alarm.
Shut my blinds but couldn’t sleep back.
Turned on some slow music and took my time through the day.
Completed my room organization.
Felt joy in using an steam iron?
Packaged return shipments.
Ate while watching anime.
Ordered new books to read.
Slept some more.
Took a shower.
Went on a walk.
EDIT: Updated for accuracy.
As of last Friday, my emotions gradually started getting stirred, mostly because of the experiences that incited doubt.
The emotions then attempts to stir me into accepting the nature I’m currently resisting.
But I refuse.
I am me and whatever is beyond this door is still me. Sounds like a paradox.
But I will bend that which I accept as I desire.
Not because my current emotional state desires it.
The spiritual and the emotional still remains as distinct as they have been since this resumed.
Also need to update about my sub usage. Firstly, my current approach.
Note: This post might be disorganized.
I already have what I need (technically speaking, complete) sub usage is simply focused self exploration.
Acceleration is a natural consequence of aligned focus.
To be focused, you must be conscious.
Every moment is self exploration.
I have very general goal I’m working towards. A set of customs to work towards the goals. I can also rotate my sub use for specific focus works or to approach the goal from a different perspective.
Listening time, day and pairing are very flexible.
Before any listening I try to get a feel of my processing queue and what my next few days look like.
How much bandwidth am I willing to offer within the timeframe?
What level of processing, speed/depth of results am I willing to handle?
What’s the potential for expression? Listening time usually increases when this is higher.
Any intention of note behind this particular listening? (State consistency, manifestation, experimentation etc)
Then I use that to make my decision.
I use months to gauge my stack usage, not counting days, cycles or dedicated washout periods.
I listen and rest as much as I feel appropriate. Could span same day to three weeks sometimes.
Average data
Listening time: 1sec-3mins.
Parings: 2 subs back to back
Rest: 2-3 days
Washouts: spontaneous.
Usage Periods: 1-3 months
Sometimes, I just experiment as I feel like.
This listening schedule came about naturally and is personalized for me, by me.
It’s mostly designed around consistency and integration. I don’t like adding more when I’m not in expression phase.
Secondly my current stack and results.
Currently building up to my detox happening Sep 1-5. Stack will return to normal after that.
Mini season started August 16th.
Streams of Vitality → Paragon Sleep
KB St2 in SoV was debilitating for my sleep, which is important for what I want to do.
My sleep was already fucked up before that, so this swap was a no brainer.
Been eating real good. WHY TF aren’t people raving about Paragon Sleep?
When I decide to sleep at night, I just sleep off.
Upon waking, eyes are heavy, body feeling not warm or cold, but serene, like there’s relaxed energy flowing through and I’m gradually arriving into it.
Sleep and restfulness (if that’s a word) feel way deeper and more refreshing, regardless of duration. Then I transition to clear waking almost immediately.
Hyper-vigilance has dropped significantly.
” and keep sleeping anyway.Since beginning use, I feel lightly drowsy for the entire next day after my loop. I function perfectly, rest just rears its head every opportunity it gets.
Boundless v3 → PEACE
Originally meant to be LBFH. However, that veered me towards healing for almost the entire week after my first use. I could sense a whole lot more emotional stuff waiting underneath, but luckily I just scratched the very tip. It was a nice experience though.
Healing is a natural outcome of this period, but not the main intention. Quite emotional experiences are already expected, so no need to intensify.
Also, brought in PEACE to help deal with my current recon and supercharge the nervous system recalibration.
Hasn’t really helped with the recon. The recon seems to be happening on an entirely different thread.
More relaxation around my gut region. The area seems congested but I can tell when it’s slightly more relaxed.
Muscular twitching just vanished. Usually get twitching muscles on any sub that contains direct physical shifting. Couldn’t tell if it was from increased physiological work or if it was my body trying to express the physical shifting. However, it still vanished.
Feeling significantly less stressed by both physical and mental stressors.
Less bothered about the other party when holding silence in a conversation, even when it turns awkward.
Now to talk about Boundless v3
I’ve not yet achieved the goal I set out for it but I’m having quite the interesting results.
It’s been functioning like a manifestation engine, in quite uncanny ways.
Also been noticing glitches in my reality. Haven’t had these since Ascension Chamber and I haven’t touched that in a long ass time.
The first being that at the edge of my visual awareness (regardless of angle), I can see my reality being rendered in real time. Like glitches creeping upon void. The color of the void is black, but it’s a black I haven’t seen in quite a while. It just looks like emptiness.
Other times it seems like the space itself is flowy, like rippling water overlayed with a mirror. This one is kind of infrequent and it seems weirdly foggy, like I don’t have the capacity to sample at that bitrate.
The third one is my visual reality being mildly wavy. When this happens it doesn’t go for a while no matter what I’ve tried.
You will never be complete.
Some parts might reach completion, but you will never be complete.
The mission is to grow and grow some more.
Growth is exploration.
Do you really think you can complete this great exploration before the end of time?
Also redesigning my custom plans and giving a cap of only two months of use for the new customs.
The main goal is accepting as much of this identity as I can within the set timeframe. The approach is to fully dive into it, integrate it and begin to craft my signature presence that goes with it (ps, will be expanded with WANTED🙂)
The custom design has been kind of a conundrum because on one hand I need to muster as much as my internal resources for this, while on the other, I’m unwilling to turn this into another internal facing season.
For the goal, I will need
Completion is not freedom
Then what is?
Completion is completion and freedom is freedom
Through completion you may glimpse freedom, but what you desire has always been there
Those that have tasted it know
Tasted what?
Can you remember?
It seems I’m going to be in monk mode for about 3 personal seasons. Not necessarily solitude throughout, but a very deep dive into specific topics. I.e it’s going to be unbalanced.
Each season will have a twist of its own, depending on what I intend to cultivate and what is needed to do so.
The timing of each season can only be readjusted prior to starting. Once it’s started, I’m going to the end.
Consistent themes
As usual, this journal will remain open, till I accept the initial goal as completed.
Next season
