After 15 months on Khan, @Goldfinger returns, but with a much deeper way of being.
Welcome to the era of The Dice Man
Stay tuned.
Die Will be done
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Tonight is officially one of the saddest nights of my life. Iāve been home, lost in my eyes reflecting off my full body mirror for some time now. Actually, Iāve been thinking since before I left the club.
How can people live this way?
Sure, I got entertained, but I canāt say I had fun, and Iāve had fun before.
Interacting with familiar faces, everyone seems open, but something is off. Like everyoneās dreaming a dream not of their making, but one they consented to regardless. No one is awake.
Itās like desperately looking for a window to play pretend at finally being yourself to have fun and taking the lowest option available. This notion makes me sad, and the sadness registers, yet doesnāt move me.
Actually I desire to shed tears, I feel it deeply. but they elude me. This feels different from āfeeling something beyond a veilā like before, now the veil doesnāt exist yet tears elude me. Very unlike how I was growing up.
What language can truly do justice to this experience?
I drank more to relegate awareness to the background yet got more lucid which addeds to the perceived sadness, and, the fact it doesnāt move me to tears as I want it to adds to this sadness too.
Itās like standing in the midst of a hurricane that that refuses your desire to get swept in itās spirals. No matter how you move it moves with you, keeping you as its eye constantly.
And to whoever is reading this, I am not drunk, neither in recon (in the classic sense). Iām just facing an answer I needed and desired that made me sad.
Thereās a slew of shit I need to unpack on this, probably privately.
Rewritten this one post so many times, that Iām genuinely laying on my bedroom floor, still not able to fit it properly without writing a book
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To give full context to my post above.
Got invited for a night out, first time ever in a club.
My expectation was loud music, crazy dancing, interesting people, singing from your heart, funny situations, lots of laughter and maybe hype moments?
Instead, I encountered people drinking in order to become interesting, like a ritual before crossing this illusory door, and, hustling to get laid, like begging to quench thirst. A charade.
It registered over and over again that I was in a misaligned environment, something Iāve been desperately trying to ignore to feel normal around whom I consider normal everyday people. I wanted to be normal.
And each time that registration landed, people literally move away from me or turn their backs to me. Like they felt the misalignment and got repelled unconsciously, like the environment itself instantly rejected whatever didnāt support it (crazy experience to spot in real time).
Then I put myself in a more uncomfortable situation, I become the momentary spotlight. I lose interest in whatever theyāre doing, the misalignment registers again, then circle shifts away from me instantly.
Even my smile was performative, I had to consciously keep my muscles engaged to extend the smile. Smiling has never been this difficult.
I entered conversations to really know people, but I was certain they will not remember whatever experience we shared by the next morning and Iāll be left to bear the burden of that one sided recognition. It doesnāt feel real.
It saddened me.
I got curious about how the others were experiencing reality in that moment, if they were really having fun and maybe it was just me not fitting in.
I drank more, got to my limit and drank even more, yet only my sense of balance was affected, with my mind constantly becoming clearer and sharper.
I was hyper awake. Seeing through both my environment and myself, but in a much higher resolution. Even my strategic mind was still active.
I got irritated at what was unfolding within and before me. Found a seat in the corner, sat there, finally acknowledging the identity mismatch. I wanted to be on a bigger playing field, having real fun.
I desired to cry, in order to be swept with the chaos, just something to relieve pressure. Yet I remained completely stable even within deep sadness. Escape was not an available option and that made me even sadder.
I find that the taste I have unveiled are a mix of what most would consider extremely simple or reserved for elites (hence the desire for normalcy, a rejection of myself).
Didnāt even realize when my friends left. Stayed till close, then posted myself at the top of the stairs, observing people pass by, sitting in these revelations as I waited for my uber for 18 minutes. Then had a silent ride home staring into space.
Arrived home, got lost in my eyes in the mirror for quite some time, then lay on the bare floor, still fully clothed, trying to capture what I felt, for close to an hour. And still didnāt do justice to it.
The final words trailed to me.
You canāt be normal, you were never meant to be, you never truly desired it and you never will be. You can only be yourself.
I stood up from the floor, threw my clothes on the chair, then went to bed.
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What I learnt.
Iām not normal, I can only be myself
This has too much depth and Iām not going to reduce or take away from it, but I will give something brief on the biggest themes here
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My shadow. Think of a tiger trying to take the form of a sheep, in an effort to not face what it truly is.
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Who I am. Who are you when youāre not starving? And Iām not just talking about food or water.
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Evolution of taste, in every context I can currently think of. A natural extension of the second theme. And began to unfold since my run of GLM last fall.
While trying to expand on this first point, I forgot all the other things I was going to say, pretty weird. It probably come back to me later.
Edit 1: Dream and Reality
It seems somehow that my day to day reality is the dream and everything else should be an enhancer, not to detract. A dream that somehow balances desire and unfolding.
It is uncommon and most people have to āsleepā to wake up to this dream.
Edit 2: Realignment of Vision
Iāve been reminded of what I have to do and the sacrifices that might be compulsory. Sacrifices I refused to face.
I still belief that there is a point of balance where I donāt have to go scorched earth like the beginning of my year, but that only comes into play when the capacity is available, taking into consideration the magnitude of goals.
Right now, my goals are big, so big that Iām beginning to see that theyāll elude me if I donāt give it the proper respect it deservesāfocus
However, before I go scorched earth, Iāll give one last try to the expansion of my capacity for balance. Time for Singularity.
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I so feel you.
Normal would help to fit into society, to life a normal life. Though sometimes, I would give everything to life animal life, when Iām honest to myself, even death seems more tempting.
I visited clubs three times in my life. Every single time was a confrontation with the sadness and monotony of the norm.
I love dancing, especially social dancing like Salsa and Bachate, even free dancing at those events.
But in a club? Itās just as you said. Most need alcohol to have fun, or to be able to act like they enjoy this. Like itās a duty, something thatās expected, so you do it.
Being an empath has its challenges, but it also shows you the facade and whatās behind it. A simple smile canāt cover the radiating emptiness.
These times, I realized that I donāt desire to be normal. I am special.
It might not be easy. It even broke me. But I know thereās more, waiting for me, more than ānormalā can even begin to grasp.
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Value of Connection
I heavily scrutinize whoever I let get close to me. And thereās a lot of markers being checked and weighed but consciously and subconsciously. But it boils down to one thing, connection.
If there is no valuable connection, Iām not interested. And when I bypass this requirement, it is a strategic attempt to advance my agenda. Most times, the requirement of connection still overrides the strategic mind.
Iām not in the game of gathering unnecessary statistics or fleeting connections that donāt fulfill or teach me.
This extends to romance too. If you canāt contribute to the fun experience of my life, there is no way youāre getting past this gate. Regardless of it being a ONS, relationship, or anything inbetween.
Seduction and romance, are symphony of experiences and will be treated as so.
This is one of the benefits of not starving.
Thereās still a heavy struggle with breaking connections gracefully, but that expansion pack will come soon.
Sharing my experience with friends
They still seem to be confused that I went to a club and didnāt try to close. Despite meeting pretty girls and people that could be valuable connections outside the club.
Firstly, I tried to communicate that the people where not āawake,ā and there was no connection I saw value in. Based on my past experience, I know forcing it beyond the acquaintance level serves nobody.
The dreamer I met is not exactly the same person when theyāre awake. Baseline behavior and mental frames included.
Secondly, I recognize the difference in perceptive filters with my friends. However, Iāve literally lived under the same roof for years, youāve seen the way I interact with women and people. Yet you all havenāt grasped what type of person I am in?
If anything, I should be an open book to you all, the same way you all are to me, even if you donāt really understand or agree with the way I see the world.
It begs the question, do you all even truly see me? At all?
Dissonance as opportunity
What I expected a club to be actually wasnāt a good model of what is common in reality.
The contents hereš seems to be one of the major contributors to this expectation.
I was in for a rude awakening.
There is a huge gap here and itās an opportunity here to redefine the collectiveās definition of āclubbing.ā
Fortunately, Iām currently not interested enough in this opportunity and the movement has started with the āsober ravingā community.
I canāt say Iāve ever felt normal.
Growing up I was treated as special after showing extreme potential practically since I was a baby.
Along with it came projected expectations and illusory confidence that fed a superiority complex. Till the time I stumbled upon real competition and didnāt surmount.
Then I was under-equipped to handle failure. Expressed potential dropped, while expectations and superiority complex only mounted, with all that potential funneled into avoidance of all forms.
The awareness of being special remained and was evident whenever I went beyond avoidance. But I tried desperately to be normal, even when my experiences of reality are certainly not normal.
I fought tooth and nail against the proof that Iāve lived and still living. Wearing perspectives and attempting to live through clothes that never truly belonged to me.
Anything to escape the weight of being special, while still desiring to be special. And I was unsuccessful at that.
Normalcy truly doesnāt exist, it is simply the felt sense of the average.
I can only be normal amongst those that have acknowledged that they are inherently special.
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Eventually, there will come a time when youāre reminded that nothing is ever broken or useless, and naturally, that extends to you as well.
Youāre learning and growing. We just chose to call it life.
This was another hard part. The gift of modeling emotional energy, till the extent it becomes yours. It can be tough.
It took me about 3-4 years of work to get a handle on it.
First I swung hard in the direction of apathy towards others as a coping mechanism to numb myself out from taking on emotions not originating from me.
As I learnt more about psychology, it automatically got diverted into making mental psychological profiles which added a bit of consciousness to the entire thing. It felt like noise, so I tried to shut off my mind from doing so.
Gradually, my sensitivity to energy increased and it got to the point where Iām kind of āpiercing through someoneās worldā just by staring into peopleās eyes. This was disruptive and uncomfortable. It was the reason why I limited eye contact despite confidence tremendously improving.
However, since consciousness had been added earlier, I knew what was going on and just had to recognize it in real time. Then I went into understanding almost any state I found myself in, eventually I was able to influence/control my own state, which improved my ability to not get swept by empathy.
Now itās more like a data source informing my awareness and decisions. I still see through but Iām not overwhelmed.
Brother, there is no honor in death, but there is in actualization and fulfillment. Living till the end, with the satisfaction that you conquered all there was for you to conquer.
It is safe to admit that, that club experience has become another inflection point in my life.
Imagine going on a podcast
Host: Whatās one moment that heavily influenced who youāve become?
Me: So I went clubbing one nightā¦ā¦
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Current stack
Dice of Reality
A Stark Black Reality
Beyond Limitless
SYNERGY: Divine Dominion
ESSENCE: To Become the Prize
Experimental ZPU Anti-Recon
Pragya
Void of Creation
Omnidimensional
Dragonās Pact
DR: Limit Destroyer
NREE
ESSENCE: A Perfect Unyielding
Experimental ZPU Anti-Recon
Experimental ZPU Adaptive Scripting
Mosaic
Execution Override
The Feedback Loop
Paragon Complete
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These are some nice customs 
Compact as well, love it
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Thanks. It was originally supposed to be DoR and one main title. As lean as possible.
But kept getting pinged to add DR:LD for over a month, along with GLM. So just merged them in one custom with DR:LD as the focus.
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Going back to this.
My friends still couldnāt understand why I didnāt collect any contact at the club and then asked me a question that I would have considered very valid in the past ā āhow are you expecting to find a connection without actually spending time to know the person?āā hence, why a window of contact might be necessary.
But after my experience last year, I beg to differ. Yes, I have felt an instant connection and it was mutual. Just think of two magnets that never recognized themselves as magnets and suddenly did, pulling themselves together.
It felt close to a fairytale, but not quite. There was a slighter sense of control on how much I wanted to expose myself to. Honestly, I couldnāt explain it logically either.
The only way I can explain it is as an alignment of sexual energy.
No, it is not sexual tension, there is something prior to tension. Itās there, flowing underneath, along the lines of intention and the āworldā of a person, before the tension manifests. Itās so seamless that itās easy to miss or misconstrue.
KB opened me completely to this. And when I experienced it, at the quality I did? How can I go for a subpar quality?
Someone can be physically attractive but still lack this energy. For me it feels like staring through hollow space, bland and thirsting to be filled.
The interesting part I just consciously recognized is that this bleeds into my behavior, especially when Iām not conscious. Normally, I could have flirty convos for fun. Now, itās more of passing decisive judgementāāYou are not worthyā
What comes next is a withdrawal of energy coming out as a dismissive frame and behavior in sexual or romantic contextsš
I just donāt care, both in the figurative and literal sense.
Anyway, I didnāt get that connection at the club and I didnāt go there with that intention either.
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Totally agree with every single word you said here. This is 100% how I am. All of my relationships ever have always started with this but it took forever for me to realize and be able to articulate it.
KB enhanced it and literally helped me become more aware of the sexual alignment itself.
And as I paid more attention I realized that there are girls out there who check all my boxes but donāt have that. And there are girls I would not consider on paper but have āitā and do āitā for me.
Of course there are many other factors that can still prevent a successful relationship, but if this alignment is not there itās a no-go.
And if the alignment is there itās super fucking obvious and takes all of five to ten seconds to recognize tbh. Itās not lust, itās something completely different.
Really enjoyed reading your post. And ditto the above ā your customs are clean AF.
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Been enjoying DoR a lot, but its not exactly what I designed it to do.
I designed the custom with the intention that ASBR and BL are the conerstones with the main focus being harnessing of my abstract self into intense transformation, then Wanted aspect to be a balancer, hence the Essence module. Instead, To Become the Prize has taken over the custom. ASBR is expressing only towards being known and BL is basically blanking.
Current Experience
- At 1:30 - 3:00 mins, I get some hints of ASBR, but everything relates to fame, popularity and being in the spotlight and the only thing from BL is the Stillness.
- Below 1:30 mins, Wanted takes everything. Even the aspects of ASBR executing is filtered through it. Think of Wanted with every effect the major has, but the mesmerizing effect turned down by 50-60%.
Results
- Been keeping up with the grooming and health practices, even better than the push from just Paragon.
- Changed up my haircut and beard.
- More consistent with fashion.
- Edited my wardrobe twice already.
- Got some mad stupid deals on some new wardrobe items. Ended up getting them. Kind of a lot in a short time
- Back to tweaking my skincare items, but this time Iām going slowly, only one at a time.
- People manifestation, people I havenāt seen in a while & people I donāt know. Literally dropping out of the sky, trying to know me and everyone of them wants my contact. Getting the urge to make some calls too.
- Catching stares left and right. Iām talking seeing me, then whispering amongst their group.
- Having incidents where people subconsciously move towards me, like a homing missile. With one potential stalker, when Iām within her vicinity.
- I feel like a million bucks, Wanted style of course. Not the deeper Wanted state on the major, just the part where Iām enjoying myself.
- Desire to be in the spotlight firing on all cylinders.
- Demeanor shift towards how I am on Wanted, both in rest and motion.
- Mirror King firing on all cylinders
- Feeling more robust with resistance training. Like thick steak.
- Actually enjoying peopleās presence. My original intention with To Become the Prize.
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Thinking of rebuilding and focusing down even more. It seems Iām highly compatible with Wanted that its expression has always taken precedence over anything I stack or customize with.
However, this might simply be a skill issue at unifying the different aspects of the sub and consciously balancing its expression. So I might rotate out Paragon for Singularity for a cycle.
If thatās not enough, Iāll then rebuild and specialize my customs even more. DoR v2 and one strictly for health and body. Unfortunately, the Wanted aspects will have to go and Iāll find a way balance my health practices.
The goal I set is of a higher priority than the results Iām getting right now. Afterall, Wanted was originally slotted to come back in after hitting my first two sets of milestones.
This way, the lowest point will be that Iām expanding my base with A:S.
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The Golden Gates: Origin
ā¦
Sage Immortal + Alchemist: Singularity
Full name Major embedded custom
The idea here is further mastery of personal reality. Through unification and mastery of path.
If Singularity is the return to wholeness, SI is the mastery of the very path to wholeness and goes ahead to optimize every aspect of daily life for that purpose.
Got pinged to try SI for a long time now, but Iāve been avoiding it for whatever reason. Also need a brief focus on my spiritual life. Now, itās time
Iāll go put in my order before Summertime clogs the backendš
I donāt really know how this one month journey will be, but Iām going in with the expectation of this being artisanal and will treat it as such, for now. One cycle at a time and will adjust from there if more or less is required.