The Crucible - DRR

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#1

I’ve been listening to SubClub for 3+ years now. It’s time.

It’s time for me to take on the Dragon. It’s time for me to heal.

I’m not living well. I wasted most of my life up to this point, especially my 20s because of my mental health issues. And I’m tired of it. Whatever’s holding me back from living, I have to destroy it.

My stack for this run:

Name-embedded DRR1 + Anti-Recon

Godlike Executive:

  1. Godlike Masculinity
  2. Emperor: The Executive
  3. Anti-Recon
  4. Stop Porn and Masturbation
  5. Inner Gasoline

I run my first loop(s) tomorrow.

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#2

DRR 1 min | GE 1m40s(hopefully)

Just turned 28 today. And to be honest, it’s been a sad birthday.

I’m severely depressed right now. I pretty much slept for most of the day. I went to the park and walk around the lake and then just sat in my car in silence.

I didn’t want to turn 28 today. I’ve wasted my life so far and I’m having a hard time figuring things out. I think I’m too dumb to figure my life out.

I feel more pressure to live and it’s shutting me down instead motivating me. There is a lot of bullshit holding me back that’s making it extremely difficult to let go and live.

Like major depression, trauma, anxiety, self-hatred, brain fog, inferiority complex…

My main goal that I want to achieve with this stack is to be FREE from it all.

I wish I could write more, but I’m drawing a blank.

Edit: While I was laying down on my couch earlier today, body got warm all of sudden and then stopped. It lasted for about a minute.

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#3

REST

Currently at my local park.

I did something that I haven’t done since my early 20s.

Jog. I felt like Forrest Gump. For some reason during my walk, I just felt like running. And I did just that.

I didn’t jog the whole time though. The trail is 2.2 miles around, so I did a run-walk-run until I got back around to my car.

It felt pretty good to do something different.

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#4

DRR 1m30s | GE 2m

So far, the only thing I notice is the desire to watch porn is non-existent.

But I still can’t shake the urge to quit watching shows and sports and mindlessly scrolling the internet. Right now, I’m so depressed and my drive is really low. My brain really wants quick dopamine.

I do take time to sit in silence, but the thoughts I have about myself are too much. I need something to distract me.

I have no life. Nothing to do while I’m on leave from work. I just stay cooped up in my apartment. I hate it. It’s like I can’t get myself to do anything else.

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#5

GE 5m14s

I’m starting to recognize the subtle ways in which I show love to myself even while self-loathing.

Someone who hates themself wouldn’t get out of bed in the morning. I do that.

Someone who hates himself wouldn’t seek help. They wouldn’t contact a psych and therapist. I do that.

Someone who hates himself wouldn’t take the meds he’s prescribed. I do that.

Someone who hates himself wouldn’t take a shower every day. I do that.

Someone who hates himself wouldn’t be listening to subliminals even if he still isn’t sure it’s working for him. I do that.

I don’t do these things just because they’re nice to do. I do them because I want to live. I do them because I care about myself despite what my mind tells me.

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#6

GE 5m | DRR1 3m End of Cycle 1

Right now, I’m currently on 3 different medications. They seem to be working. My mood has improved a bit. I really hate being on meds, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

I did something last night that I haven’t done in a while, which is cook. I made some chili. It wasn’t the best, but I’m proud of myself for cooking instead of going out.

I’m still having trouble initiating tasks to improve myself. Right now, I’m still wasting my time on the internet. I spent the last week and a half mostly in my apartment by myself. I only go out to get something to eat and to take a walk in my local park. It sucks really, but forcing discipline on myself to do something different has not worked.

Anyway, washout starts tomorrow.

#7

I honestly really can’t tell when I’m in recon because recon symptoms are the same negative feelings that I’ve been had before subs. So, I’m pushing myself by listening to DRR1 three times a week. I might as well.

Edit: I am sleeping a lot more which seems to be a common occurrence among DRR listeners.

#8

You could try going out to a sauna, it helps detox, it feels really good afterwards, helps unwind and improves your looks because of the detox effect your skin and overall shine will look great.

To me sauna is an easy way to get myself out while doing something really positive and pleasurable and it opens a pathway for potential meet, I see it as a simple social outing where I get exposed to other people in a very safe relaxed space while improving my health, appearance and well-being.

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#9

Washout

I seem to have major brain fog when it comes to taking action. I don’t know if this is recon or if it’s because of my med change. My anxiety has increased a bit too, but I think that’s because of my meds.

#10

Washout

There’s a quiet voice in my head that pops in from time to time to tell me: “Don’t Give Up.”

#11

Washout

I wrote down my fears yesterday morning. One fear in particular, I witnessed today.

I fear being harshly criticized and not handling it well.

Today at work, one of my coworkers griped about the manager, calling him stupid and saying he doesn’t know how to manage. He said all he does is hide and waits until the end of the shift.

My coworker was going in on him and my only response to show agreement on some things.

But I started thinking how this could relate to me. I think this is one of the reasons I avoid taking leadership positions or trying to move up. I fear making big mistakes to the point of public criticism and shame. So I stay at the level I’m at… never being challenged. Never growing. Why am I so afraid?

#12

Washout

Permanence is not something I’m experiencing with these subs. I’m sitting at home today even though they put up shifts to work. If I was still running Mogul/Executive, I would’ve picked it up immediately.

And around this time or earlier last year was the last time I went to the gym or went to an MMA class. When I stopped running my Spartan custom, it seemed that all my discipline and motivation to workout had vanished.

Just an observation.

#13

Cycle 2

Just listen to 5m of GE. Gonna listen to DRR in the afternoon or evening. Same as I did on Monday.

I’m finding it easy to get up at 4am and stay up. Haven’t hit the snooze button this week. Haven’t even considered it. Could be the results of my meds or the subs. Or both.

#14

REST

Listened to a Stoic podcast during work. I didn’t remember much, but I remembered this.

“Freedom is the state you achieve when you stop trying to control what you can’t control.”

Funny how I came across this because DRR deals with freedom and Stoicism of course is GLM.

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#15

DRR1 5m | GE 5m End of Cycle 2

Didn’t have really much to report this cycle.

I created a supplement stack using ChatGPT to create a better mental baseline. I bought about 12 supplements, and I’ve been taking my stack consistently for a week now. We’ll see what happens at week 13.

Work is work. There’s not much to say there. We’re in peak now, so there’s mandatory 6-day work weeks and I don’t have that same drive as I did when I was running Mogul and Executive. It’s been tough slogging through these work days.

I still feel pretty much the same. At least I haven’t noticed anything different in myself. Well, one thing I notice is that I’ve been visiting the forum less.

I wonder if I’m running the subs right or if I need to cut back. I can’t really tell. I hope I’m not stonewalling.

Anyway that’s Cycle 2. Washout starts tomorrow.

#16

DRR1 about 5min | GE about 8min

Beginning of Cycle 3

#17

REST

I had an assistant manager and a manager ask me what I wanted to do for work today. Usually, they just place me wherever and I don’t complain.

I started watching porn again. I mean I’m not just watching; I’m binge watching. Only this time, I’m not MOing. Yesterday, I listened to the whole 15 minutes of my custom because I was distracted by porn. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore about this problem. I had high hopes for my custom to completely stop me from watching at all. But since I’m not pleasuring myself while watching, I can’t say that it’s doing nothing.

Where do I go from here?

Edit: I relapsed