The Alchemie of the Soul

[CurlyGirl]

I’ve been a bit tired the last few days. The weather changed suddenly here, and I’m a bit sensitive to that.
After the burst of energy I had recently, I’m feeling a bit sad about it.

For a few days now, the thought of quitting smoking keeps crossing my mind. Since my skin got a little better when I started drinking more water and green tea, I’ve gotten a taste for the idea of quitting smoking completely. My skin would benefit more than just a little from it .

Something is still holding me back. But: I’m now waiting a little while after eating before lighting a cigarette. Pattern interruption .

Another positive thing: when @Parsifal and I spontaneously went out yesterday evening to visit a flower and light festival in the next small town — and somehow ended up at a 70s party due to the miserable weather — I didn’t “treat myself” to any alcohol.

Normally, I’m the kind of person who would say, “Oh well, one beer is fine!” But with the way I’ve been drinking in recent years, it almost never stayed at just one.

I’m proud of myself !

[CurlyGirl]

I just realized that I was lost in self-talk.
Among other things, with people who had hurt me.

I was really fierce, arrogant, condescending, and full of disgust toward those people. For the first time, I consciously noticed that I engage in this kind of “communication with myself.”

I’m one week away from my period. It’s quite possible that it has something to do with that. Or Seductress is bringing out the fire in me. As in: “You’re definitely not talking to me like that! If you’re acting disrespectfully, then I can be just as direct.” Kind of like a mirror technique.

It’s exhausting, it annoys me, and it wastes energy. But it’s also possible that it’s somehow necessary—and that I’m healing.

Whatever it is, I just became really aware that I also have this kind of overthinking self-talk.

Interesting.

Let’s see where it leads me.

[CurlyGirl]

I just installed an app that’s supposed to stop me from mindlessly scrolling on social media.

When I open the app, a window pops up saying “Take a deep breath,” and then it asks if I really want to open the app.

It’s possible that EE is kicking in here, because I want to create something instead of staring blankly at my smartphone.

I’m done with it.

By the way, the “smartphone posture” isn’t good for your self-esteem either. Constantly lowering your head signals fear, sadness, or lack of drive.

A slouched, forward-leaning posture signals the brain, among other things, “protection, withdrawal, insecurity.”

And I don’t want my emotions to be influenced by that body posture!

When reading a book, the head lowers and awareness rises.
When using a smartphone, the head lowers and awareness often sinks.

[CurlyGirl]

I just watched a video where Ed Sheeran showed the beginning of his career. He played an audio file where his guitar playing and singing were honestly terrible .

But he worked his ass off because he really wanted to make music.

He practiced. Every single day!

He experienced failure—and still, today he’s one of the most sought-after musicians!

‼️**Trigger Warning**‼️

So, if you really want to achieve something in your life, you have to do something for it every single day! Really. Every day!

And yes, you’ll cry, you might want to quit sometimes, or come up with excuses about why things aren’t working out.

But if you truly want something from your heart, then it takes an extra portion of courage to stand up for what you really want in life!

And no, your kids, your partner, your boss, or anyone else are not responsible if you don’t make it!

People always say that!

You’ve got at least 1 to 5 minutes a day to start healing, to work on your dream, or whatever it is.

If you’re saying “No” right now, then you don’t really want it in your life. You’re just lying to yourself every single day. And that’s okay! That’s just human.

But don’t let that lie take over your life.

Get to the bottom of what you really want. And once you’ve found it, walk that path every damn day! Even if you only have a little free time.

So many therapists, coaches, and the like always say it’s never too late.

Wrong! At some point, it is too late!

Because one day you’ll be lying in a coffin, covered in dirt, eaten by worms and who-knows-what. And then what? You spent your whole life doing what your family, your friends, your soulmate—or whoever—wanted from you.

Where were you in your own life?

Tell me!

[CurlyGirl]

The last two days were very productive on the bureaucratic front.
Filled out forms, renewed documents, organized and filed everything.

It got on my nerves a little, since other people were involved and things weren’t moving fast enough for me at times 😵‍💫😁.

I still have to learn to stay calmer with these kinds of things.

But for now, everything is done.

Today I had a hypnosis session that reminded me in many ways of one that @Parsifal and I once learned ourselves.

Only this guy did it better and in a more pleasant way than the coach Parsifal and I had .

The tone of voice, melody, and calmness were really soothing, and I might use that style myself later when I work with people.

I already have a rough idea of what I’d like to inspire/accompany people with. But for now, I’m keeping it to myself. Otherwise, I’ll get a dopamine hit and end up doing nothing in the end.

Now I’m tired and ready for bed .

[CurlyGirl]

Me?
Obsessed with me?
Yes!
Yes i am!

I feel more and more comfortable in my own skin. Even though I’m two days away from my period, I find myself very good-looking!
That wasn’t the case before.

Mood swings are still present, though, especially when other people are involved.
Alone, I have them pretty well under control .

At least most of the time .

In the past few days, I’ve complained very little about myself. That’s quite a good progress.

I’m realizing more and more that I want to surround myself with people who think like me, and preferably not have other people who don’t fit into this category in my life anymore.

But sometimes that just can’t be avoided 😮‍💨.

I’ve noticed that I can get very direct, energetic, and even offensive if someone questions me or my abilities, or if it’s said that something can’t be done, or if someone said something and then claims they didn’t.

(There are some people who like to do that and then act annoyed when you call them out on it 😮‍💨)

I got interrupted while writing this post. Now I don’t remember what else I wanted to say .

By the way, I don’t like that either, and that’s why I’m starting to say more often that I don’t need interruptions.

Like now.

But it doesn’t help.

I still forgot…

[CurlyGirl]

Someone once asked me what love means to me.

I answered that love is different for everyone.

For one person, love is sitting on the couch together and enjoying a series marathon. For another, it’s exploring the world with their partner.

Love is a fine line between needing your partner and maintaining your own independence.

Love is laughing together, but also being able to talk about serious topics.

Some find love in their best friend, others in a stranger.

Love is being able to share your thoughts and feelings without the fear of being ridiculed by your partner.

In love, silence should be possible too, without the fear that your partner will pull away.

Love is a garden that keeps growing when you invest time in it.

Love is an old, crumbling house that you rebuild together.

Love is life.

[CurlyGirl]

There are people who do not want to heal.
Not because they don’t know how,
but because pain feels more familiar than the freedom beyond it.
Sometimes even the body begins to resist,
creating illness just to avoid the path of healing.

You cannot save them.
Not with love, not with patience, not with hope.
Healing is a decision that must rise from within.
And you must not lose yourself
just because someone else refuses to walk their own path.

[CurlyGirl]

New round, new luck

LB: 5:11
EE: 5:35

I changed my stack a bit. But it wasn’t an impulsive action, it was a well-thought-out one.

Lately, I had written to someone in a thread that self-love is the foundation for everything.
No matter if you want to attract money into your life, strive for better health or want to find your calling: the foundation for everything is self-love.

And so I decided to integrate LB back into my life because I realized that there is still enormous room for improvement.

My wallet doesn’t fill itself through self-doubt, fear, and fear of failure, but, among other things, through acceptance, trust, and connection.

A connection to myself. To the love that dwells within me and longs for a valve of contentment. To a life that doesn’t lead through narrow alleys, but is as light-footed as a relaxed walk on the beach.

Where the sound of the sea and the breeze of the wind shape my thoughts in a way that I don’t think about destructive things, but about hope, passion, courage, strength, energy, and love.

But LB also gave me a very strong recon today: all the unspoken fears and worries that have clung to me for weeks like a tick after a long walk in the woods.

During this phase, I am often very hard to be around and very sensitive to certain things. So it often happens that I upset @Parsifal.

Not because I have bad intentions, but because I am someone who feels intensely. These feelings often paralyze me and leave me in a state of powerlessness that, upon awakening, often leaves a path of destruction behind.

I often feel shabby afterward. People do their best and in the recon, I only see the “mistakes”. This often leaves me in a state of melancholy and sadness.

But through this, I also see that LB is the right title to grow. How often did it happen that I didn’t feel seen or heard and put the needs of others before my own.

I am no longer the woman who fearfully shrinks back when life throws stones again. Still, I get hit often enough.

So my stack for the next few months is as follows: LB, EE, and EOG1 Name embedded + Semper Praesens.

Wish me luck ‍↔

[CurlyGirl]

For the past few days, I’ve been diving deeper into the silence. The incentive came from @Metamorphosis and his Thread.
I wanted to break out of all the stress that flutters across my screen day after day.

I consciously take several hours a day. Without music, without distractions. Just me and my thoughts and feelings.

It’s often not easy, because failures, people who hurt me, my financial situation, and other unpleasant things pop up quite frequently.

My world of thoughts is therefore often a pure rollercoaster. With ups and downs. Sometimes faster, sometimes slower, sometimes upside down.

It’s uncomfortable, yes, but I think there’s slowly no way around facing my fears, worries, and thoughts.

Fear burns you out. Worries too. And I’ve let these things paralyze me for too long. I’m now taking my life into my own hands again. This time with more love and confidence.

[Metamorphosis]

This just made my day!

I lightly encourage you to stick it, even when it gets tough.

[CurlyGirl]

5:55 EOG

Today it was damn hard to stay in the silence.
Some events caused me to be completely overrun by negative thoughts.

“What if…?”

Fear almost paralyzed me today. I felt emotionally blackmailed and pressured under the guise of charity and understanding.

People who need to manipulate others to get what they believe is right disgust me deeply. That is not charity or love — that is pure selfishness.

Still, I somehow managed to encourage myself. “I can do this! I believe in Myself! I am worthy! I have hope!” and other things I whispered to myself while lying on an energy mat. And for a brief moment, I felt okay.

I don’t see any of this as a defeat, but as growth and maturity of my Self. Even under emotional pressure and blackmail, I didn’t reach for the beer today — even though I thought about it often — although in the past that had been my coping strategy and source of calm.

Still, I am very disappointed in these people. They should be there for you and supportive — not “threatening.” In my opinion, people like that shouldn’t even be allowed near others. Seriously, I’ve rarely encountered something like this in my life.

I’m really angry, sad, and hurt.

Well then, tomorrow is a new day.
A new chapter.
A new phase of unfolding and transformation.

[CurlyGirl]

I am ready to show the universe that I want to change my situation(s) in a positive way.

Just listening to subs, hearing affirmations, or using hypnosis while falling asleep doesn’t get me anywhere.

Of course, something has shifted in my inner world – no question – but now it’s time to take action. Because I’m tired of just vegetating.

Only if the universe sees my efforts on the outside can it also support me.

That means:

Every day, doing something for at least 5 minutes toward finding my calling. For my finances.

With rituals and actions, I not only open a space upwards, but also inwards.

Because I’m showing: I am ready, even though I’m exhausted. And maybe that’s the bravest thing of all.

I’ve always somehow shied away from it because it’s often said: “You really have to feel it, otherwise you’re lying to yourself!”
By now, I see it differently.

Anyone who has the courage to face themselves proves that they really want to change something. No matter if all parts inside feel the same way.

The idea that we always have to “feel” everything is romanticized – and often overwhelming.

In many spiritual circles you hear:

“Only if you truly feel it, will it manifest.”

But what if the body is just exhausted?
What if the nervous system is overwhelmed?
What if a part of you doubts or feels numb inside?

Then the feeling might be missing, but the intention is still there.
And that counts. Maybe even more than we think.

Readiness often means:

I want to, even if I don’t know how.

I move forward, even if I’m afraid.

I try, even if I feel nothing right now.

That is not less powerful,
in my opinion, it is braver.
Because it is love despite inner dissonance.

If I don’t “vibrate in alignment,” but act while trembling, exhausted, doubtful –
and still act, pray, speak, write, show myself,
then the spiritual world sees that.

Because that is faith without proof.
And that is perhaps the purest form of creative power.

So, I don’t have to feel it to be ready.
I don’t have to believe it to begin.
I don’t have to embody it to show:

I want to heal. I want to grow. I want to live.

And maybe that is the most powerful love letter to my life that I can write right now.

[CurlyGirl]

LB: 4:44
EE: 5:55

My nervous system is completely overstimulated. Whenever I try to dive into silence, I fall asleep entirely. In itself, that’s not really a bad thing, but I would like to know whether I can endure the silence without drifting off to the land of dreams.

Over the past few days, I’ve had the feeling that I appear more calm. When a sense of challenge begins to rise within me, I don’t react as I usually do—annoyed, stressed, angry, etc.—but instead, I find a sense of peace within myself.

Of course, there are still things in life that weigh heavily on me, but somehow, somewhere, I still see a silver lining on the horizon. The universe seems to be treating me quite kindly at the moment.

[CurlyGirl]

I want to share something that has become really important to me — because it has hurt and exhausted me in many interactions. And I realize I need to be clear about it, even if it might be uncomfortable for some.

There is a huge difference between a real request and a hidden expectation.
Many people say things like:
“Could you do this for me?”
“Would you mind doing that?”
“Can you please take care of this?”

Sounds polite, right?
But if you really listen — and especially if you feel it — often there’s no room for a ‘no’.
The sentence sounds like a question, but really a ‘yes’ is expected.
It’s a disguised expectation. A politely phrased demand.

For me personally — and I know many neurodivergent people feel the same, especially those with ADHD — this difference is not small, it’s huge.

I feel it physically, emotionally, mentally, when I realize I have no real choice.
That I’m not asked whether I have the energy, capacity, or mental space.
That my ‘no’ actually wouldn’t be welcome.

And then I don’t feel seen.
Not respected.
Not asked, but functionalized.

A real request sounds like this to me:
“Hey, I would really appreciate your help with this — do you have the capacity right now?”
“I’m not sure if it suits you right now, but could you maybe…? Only if it’s okay for you.”
“Would you like to support me with this? If not, that’s totally fine too.”

That is real voluntariness to me.
I have a choice.
I can honestly say how I feel.
And I feel seen as a person, not as someone who’s supposed to fulfill a task.

And I want to say this clearly:
I no longer want relationships in my life where these subtle differences don’t matter.
I don’t want connections where I’m expected to “function” because someone politely expresses their expectations but isn’t willing to reflect on themselves.

If someone is not open to reflecting on how they communicate with me…
If someone doesn’t want to see that words have an effect, even if they sound friendly…
If someone isn’t willing to communicate from true mindfulness, but rather sticks to old patterns…
If my counterpart doesn’t care at all what I feel about it and they try to downplay my feelings in relation to it…
… then that person simply doesn’t belong in my life.

And this is not a blame, but a clear boundary.

I’ve pretended for long enough that this was okay for me.
It’s not.
Too often, I’ve pushed my own feelings aside to make it easier for others.
I’m not doing that anymore.

If we want to connect, I wish for mutual respect.
An honest question, not a hidden order.
A real request, not a polite command.
And the willingness to question oneself once in a while.

Everything else doesn’t feel healthy to me.

And I have the right to decide what I want in my life — and what I don’t.

[gerard]

Yes you have a choice in how to react, but is this reaction the right choice.

Is the question more about you and the answer to the question within you.

We overanalyze to the point of misinterpreting I think as you expect mindful interactions but is that an expectation that in this fast paced time people think thoughtfully or procedurally just due to their ‘being’ configuration and experiences.

It’s difficult but thankfully we aren’t all the same outwardly and standards like yours are high to meet by most people.

So appreciate your the exception not the norm.

[CurlyGirl]

@gerard

Is the question more about you and the answer to the question within you.

First of all, I would like to clarify that this is not a question in my thread, but rather an expression of my emotional world and how I am feeling right now.

I don’t see myself as overanalyzing, because in the past, I have often experienced that when I responded to such requests with a “no,” that “no” wasn’t truly welcomed. Instead, people became upset or angry with me afterwards.

Of course, I expect mindful communication because, for me, that is simply a respectful and appreciative way of interacting. You can also think of it this way: I’m sure you have a type of woman you like to date because she meets certain criteria that are important to you. And there are other women you wouldn’t date because they don’t meet those criteria, even though they may be kind and friendly people. And that is totally legitimate.

This is something very similar. If I want to have people in my life who meet certain standards that I have set for myself, that is my right. And I don’t feel that I am overreacting in any way here — I am finally putting my own needs first, needs that have been trampled on for years.

To be honest, I feel somewhat attacked by your message — even though I’m sure you didn’t mean it that way — because I feel like my feelings, which I have vulnerably shared and written down here, are not being taken seriously.

Especially in today’s fast-paced world, it is important to maintain respectful and appreciative communication. I already feel that people nowadays often don’t truly see or feel the human being behind the surface — and I find that very sad.

I also disagree with the idea that “standards like mine,” as you described them, are hard for most people to meet. I know quite a few people, even if they are not in my immediate circle, who think and act in a similar way. Personally, I feel this has a lot to do with self-respect, self-love, and self-appreciation.

And honestly, telling me that I should appreciate being the exception and not the rule feels somewhat out of place. It feels like my feelings are once again not being truly acknowledged. Instead, it feels like an attempt to push me into a corner and say, “Just be grateful for this or that.”

Of course, gratitude is important in many areas of life, but when someone is speaking or writing about their inner emotional world, I find such comments misplaced and, frankly, a bit sad.

I truly believe there should be more exceptions than “the rule,” because these so-called rules have often not led to much success when it comes to communication, relationships, or partnerships. Just think about how many people live with trauma or old limiting beliefs, or how many people — like us — search for connections or tools that help heal their inner world. That alone is proof that many people simply haven’t been seen, heard, or truly felt by others.

And that’s why I honestly find it sad that there aren’t more exceptions than “the rule.”

[gerard]

I am happy, apologies for any misunderstandings and misinterpretations by me.

I consider your response to be a misinterpretation and apologise for a commentary based on my positive perspective.

I wish you well.

[CurlyGirl]

There was this exact situation again where what was supposed to be a request came off as a damn demand — and I didn’t even get the chance to say no because it was just expected that I’d do whatever was asked right away.

I was asked if I still had dishes because someone wanted to load the dishwasher soon. Or even better: “You could just load the dishwasher, I still have something to do. Thanks.”
In what damn world is that a request? That’s an extreme demand, with no option to say no. And I’m definitely not going to do it.

Maybe some people think that sounds stubborn, but I don’t give a damn. I’ll risk that the person gets angry and upset. Because I refuse to just accept this expectation as if I’m some kind of servant with no boundaries.

That’s a massive violation of my limits, and I find it absolutely unacceptable. Period.

It’s not about the task itself for me, but simply and solely about the fact that something is expected from me just because this person doesn’t want to do it themselves or can’t, or whatever the reason may be.

For me, that is a clear boundary violation, absolutely disrespectful, and not appreciative at all.

I think that LB is doing extreme work here right now.

And it feels very good to recognize and feel more and more how I want to be treated by people.

[Michel]

@CurlyGirl

There is a huge difference between a real request and a hidden expectation.
Many people say things like:
“Could you do this for me?”
“Would you mind doing that?”
“Can you please take care of this?”

There isn’t a room for a no, because what you’ve been given is manipulation energy, couched in question form. It’s in the subtext and (women are gifted in this) can be sensed and felt in the gut as a hook. Unfortunately, unless you can easily tap into your masculine, those questions can make you feel obligated to carry out those tasks without resistance.

How do you feel about wielding soft power?