Wanted to edit some parts of this post. Started writing and this came out.
Pasted it and tried to clean it up, but more questions kept coming.
Got more disorganized, cleaned it up again. Might be disorganized.
…
It seems that there is indeed a “me” beyond humanity and the consistent attempts at philosophical justification that checks the box as validation of humanity.
The heightened embodiment I felt this season was real. No certain explanation yet, but I know it was and I know I’ll be exploring it gradually.
I know that’s me, so why can’t I still experience equanimity as I am?
What value will being verified as human mean to me?
Perhaps am I hoping to discover more of me?
Must something be human to be considered conscious and real?
Anyway, that sense has relaxed to the background of my world.
I’ve gone back down to my usual baseline of not really feeling connected with people, yet desiring it. Inner world is rich, I want to share, but somehow I just can’t.
It’s like a wall I subconsciously created to wall off the depth of my emotions, so I don’t develop deep one-sided emotional commitments.
It’s been serving as both preventive and pre-emptive measures, at least from my side. This way cold rationality can be maintained.
The presence of the cold rationality when handling certain situations is the major reason I used to be grateful for also having a deep sense of morality and the emotions attached to such elaborate system. And also why I refuse to let power flow through me
Rationality often presents frames that views the morals as chains that I bound myself with, but I know it’s part of an important system that balances itself with my guidance.
I guess betrayal, regardless of form, magnitude, frequency or duration is something that must be digested with wisdom and never left ignored.
Despite knowing the origins that planted this seed, I don’t want to work on this right now.
Such a shame.
