Thank you both for the kind replies. Those are some wise words 
Yesterday I’ve been thinking about what everybody said to me, here in this forum the last couple of days. That this adversity and negative emotions are teaching me something. Because of that, I went into meditation yesterday for about 20-30min. Focus on my breathing, and the space around my body, and get deep into a trance. In this meditation, it’s all about changing our thought process, but something different happened.
At first, My subconscious mind was telling me that responsibility and being needed is my way of thriving. Yesterday there was 1 student that was in complete panic because of an exam he missed. This was not his fault, but because of the lack of responsibility from a teacher. I did everything I could to make sure he could do his exam and found a way. He was so grateful and thanked me multiple times for not letting him figure it out by himself. That right there… That’s my unlimited source of energy. When I feel needed, really needed. I go all the way. But when I feel what I’m doing doesn’t make a difference, then frustrations and problems arise. That’s what my higher power is trying to tell me with this job. Stop thinking about how the general population thinks you should do something, like traditional education. But have the guts to do it yourself.
I went into my spiritual side and listened to my Human Design reading while looking up my Numerology report. All these insights were already there, but I was trying to figure things out with my brain. That is not my strategy, to me, it’s the body. Intuition is my guideline, and I only feel strong in my intuition when I’m completely in my body. By using my energy wisely like running, yoga, dancing, fitness you name it. Everything that makes me feel alive. I decided at work I will use my energy all day, doesn’t matter if it takes me more breaks than others. But I know in my heart, that this ain’t it and I am responsible to change my reality and be in control of these negative emotions while I’m thriving to do something different.
Then the second insight… The one that has been lingering in my mind for years. starting a youtube channel whenever I’m deep in my meditation, this is the idea that’s coming up. People that I’ve coached in the past, my girlfriend, friends, random people you name it, always told me I have to share what I know because it helps people immensely. But I’m scared and have this feeling of “Who the hell am I to share knowledge with others?” “How will I make money out of this?” “How the hell will I even start?”
That right there, that’s the difference between intuïtion and resistance. My intuïtion tells me to do this, to start this project, while it makes absolutely no sense in my mind whatsoever. The reason I’m not listening to this, Is why I get this job, why I feel these emotions, why I get so angry at life. It’s the part deep in myself that wants to express itself. So it makes me feel terrible, and put’s me in these hard situations because I don’t want to listen to this insight. I’ve had this feeling for fucking years and I don’t have the guts to do something with it. So the question that stands is, How much pain will I let myself endure before I finally start listening?
After this insight, I was reading a book that gave me a quote on the 3rd page that hit me like a hammer. I don’t believe in coincidences, this was the Universe telling me at the right moment what was going on.
“Our potential unexpressed turns to pain. That pain --if not attended to and released-- starts to form a deep reservoir of fear and self-hatred within us. Most of us don’t have the awareness or possess the tools to process through this well of suppressed anguish. Most of us are unconscious of this quiet torment created by the disrespect we have shown to our promise. And so, we deny if someone even suggests it. And we subconsciously develop a series of soul-crushing escape routes to avoid feeling this pain generated by our talents”
Today, without intention, I fasted for 21-22 hours while working the whole day. I felt amazing when I was sitting down and working. For some reason, I just love it to fast for at least 18-20 hours a day.
Just one problem, the moment I start eating, I can’t stop 
Especially when I start eating carbs.
When I came home, I made a nice pasta salmon with salad. But after that, I bought wine gums because of the sugar rush after eating pasta.
And no, keto doesn’t work for me, unfortunately. I need to have carbs otherwise I can’t sleep. Maybe experiment with some oatmeal and bananas at night. Anyway, it was a nice day!
1 Like
Today was a good day like Ice Cube would say
A couple of things that went well today:
- I had one coaching class that went well. Was teaching for about 3-4 hours and they truly enjoyed it
- I’m improving my administration work with student files. Almost every week I’m doing it faster than the day before
- It seems I’m getting stricter and don’t tolerate as much anymore. That’s something that this job is learning me and for that I’m grateful. Don’t waste my time with meaningless e-mails or questions you already know the answer to. I don’t have time for that.
- Starting to feel more comfortable at this job, feeling like I can manage this.
- Told my Employers that I wanted to teach more classes of social work. They said that this would be possible because more and more people are starting to do this study.
1 Like
I’m going through this death of my ego right now. Something I thought I already tackled, but that was my ego that said the ego is death.
Yesterday I was having a drink with my colleagues and employers. At that moment that someone gave me a beer, he said “Well alcohol is a soft drug because it’s so widely accepted”. While everybody was saying yes, I was the only one saying “That’s incorrect, it’s a hard drug. One of the most harmful ones you can do”. The moment I said that the energy in the room switched. They said, “But yeah, people need to wind down and need something to disconnect from life”. At this moment, something clicked in me. I said “Well why is it that we need to “disconnect” from life, while non-drinkers never need something outside of themselves to disconnect from life? What are they doing differently?”
They gave me this look of yeah good point, but can we go back to having fun now?
Now here I’m going to sound like a hypocrite. But I also drink sometimes, mostly only on the weekends, and sometimes I don’t drink for months. Doing something “bad” is not always bad in my opinion. But to lie to yourself about your behavior and label it as something good, that’s a part of the ego instead of your true self. And the reason that we lie, is because we have conflicting beliefs inside of us. That’s why people got uncomfortable when we had this small discussion, it goes against their core beliefs about what they prefer and does not prefer.
The funny part is, That I looked up to these people the last couple of weeks. Because they are fast thinkers, have great organization skills, and are amazing planners. Things I’m not yet good at and it takes me more time to achieve those things. But at that moment, I realized that we all are struggling with our
own problems, they just hide them better. Something I’ve been reading in the book of David Goggins, but right now it clicked. Being intelligent doesn’t mean it’s better than something else. I can say that my spiritual intelligence is on another level than all my co-workers. Not to say that I’m above them, it’s just different.
1 Like
Today was an amazing day!
I was teaching a new class today, focussing on the module called “people”. They absolutely loved it! I used so many videos, and group assignments and was talking with so much energy and passion. After the lesson was done, they came to me to thank me for the class. One girl even told me it was the best class she attended:blush: this was my 3rd lesson in front of a class I’ve ever given in my life.
But the big kicker was, that 2 teachers were sitting in the next room while working on some e-mail and they heard me. After the lesson, they came to me and said “Oh man, you are so good at this. Just the way you speak and interact with your students. Top Notch!” These are teachers that are in the field for years and they compliment me like that? Damn…
I have 0% fair to stand in front of big groups and the way I speak feels very fluent and know how to inspire the room. I know this is who I am but got to give some probz to Chiron and Dragon tongue. These 2 modules feel like home for me and just double down on my strength.
6 Likes
The verbal fluency and social ability comes from Stark, Chosen adds to it an inspiring awe and understanding of how to motivate and leader others. I’m sure entranced the whole class!
The interplay with your modules in that Custom must surely be breath taking!
2 Likes
I pay respect to you as to a teacher. To
those who are one of the most important servants of the humanity. In knowledge the strength is.
1 Like
Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot to me 
1 Like
Now that you say this, I never thought about it like that. Those modules are emplifyers of the cores that I already have in my custom. Makes me want to listen to it even more!
It sure looked like it haha! Looking forward to my next classes! That fire inside me is starting to burn
It was a great weekend with loads of insights and nice experiences. I’ll put a recap down here:
- Before my GF, I was experimenting with NoFap and Semen Retention for many months. The idea of using our sexual energy to create has always fascinated me. Now when I got a GF, I went back into No-Fap mode and enjoyed it. That means only ejaculating when I am with her because I only see her on the weekends, which meant once or twice a week. Last weekend it was that time of the month again, so we had no sex. The weird thing was, on Monday I was way more motivated to do things and was looking forward to work. So this weekend I decided to have sex without ejaculation, something I’ve never done before. This shit is amazing I kept breathing and doing kegel exercises when I felt like cumming, and it just made my body tinkle. We had sex for about 60-90 min until she was more than done and we stopped. I felt extremely focused, and motivated and just wanted to start working on something. She was looking at me like I was crazy when I opened up my laptop to start answering some e-mails from students Sexual energy transmutation is great on Semen Retention without sex. But with sex? That’s a different ball game.
- An old buddy of mine from curacao just came to visit me in my new hometown. We hadn’t seen each other for months and it was nice catching up. This was also the first time after months that I smoked some hash (weed) because he brought some with him. It didn’t really do that much to me, to be honest. It felt a bit weird. Like I was doing something that alters my state without actually doing something to alter my state naturally. It felt a big fake I guess. Interesting that how we change as a person, those types of rewards/behaviors are more boring to us.
- My buddy said something along the line of “Look at you making an impact as a teacher! That’s so important to do bro, we need that”. I have not put a lot of thought into this, but what I’m doing with my life is actually quite meaningful. To me, it feels like I don’t make enough impact, but that’s also a millennial thing, never feeling we are making enough impact. Now I’m actually feeling more driven and fulfilled with my job since he said that.
2 Likes
Regular sex/masturbation with semen retention is a HUGE personal cheat code I have been utilizing for a while now for great effects. Trust me it only gets better the more you do it. Makes me more creative, smarter, energetic and muscular. I actually think it’s the lack of orgasm that causes the biggest nofap benefits.
2 Likes
I couldn’t agree more. Semen Retention without “activation” so to speak is powerful. But getting close to an orgasm and then using sexual transmutation instead of cumming. It feels like it just opens the gates of all that energy that is stuck. When I was practicing celibacy, it was not as powerful as today.
Yes, circulate it the Egyptians used the ankh a gold silver or copper one would be good for conductivity as a tool to help circulate it through the body and Aura.
1 Like
Can you explain a bit more about it? did they wear it as a neckless like most people do nowadays, or was there some type of ritual they did with it?
And for us to transmute energy, just use a copper/gold Anch around our neck? Been trying to read up on it on google, but as always, there are many different definitions. I’m interested in your point of view.
Last Friday my girl was visiting me when she started to get sick. She asked “Do you still want me to come that way or?” and I was yeah why not, It’s just starting. We made love and she left the following day.
then she got really sick on Sunday, with a fever and everything . At that moment I started to feel more tired and my throat started to hurt. I was already listening to Paragon to heal some back issues that I have, so I did not worry that much. But yesterday, I felt a headache coming up and getting that cold/hot fever feeling while I was at work.
I listened to Paragon and LBfH for around 3min and when I came home from work I just wanted to sleep. Fell asleep around 8 PM and woke up the next day around 6 AM. Feeling much better! It feels like I am sick, but paragon is working on the background.
I bought Paragon for my girl as well, I hope it works very fast and well ^^ She is a bit hesitant with the subliminal. Maybe this will the one that opens her up to new possiblities.
Edit:
Well she has no fever anymore, she slept better and she feels ready to go to school agian.
So I said “Well, see how fast these things are working?”
“No No! Being sick goes in fases”
“It can’t be only by the subliminals , maybe it’s a part”
“I don’t believe that”
It cant be only the subliminals 
Making progress here lads
I’m seeing some things that I’ve been doing in the past and starting to come back:
Yesterday my colleague made a mistake. She forgot to send 2 e-mails to classes that are starting tomorrow and Friday. Because I was attentive to the mail, I immediately responded and send the e-mails to the classes. But instead of just sending it, I had to tell other colleagues and my manager that I send those e-mails and that she forgot (Because I need to be a good boy?). They said nicely done and I kinda threw her under the bus. After that, My other colleague printed a document from a student and it came out of the printer next to me. I took the document, looked at the company name, and saw that this student would have started his internship with the wrong number. So I told the manager who was sitting next to me, isn’t this the wrong number? And she said yeah great catch! So I told him “hey, just a tip but you got the wrong number. Maybe better to check it before you print it?” And he was like “Oh yeah I would’ve checked it and don’t worry etc. etc.” Purely because the manager was sitting next to me.
I’ve done this countless times in the past and I don’t know why. I need to be the most liked, most popular guy, the savior, or something? It for sure has to do with some kind of insecurity, but I have not found out what it is precisely. And it’s not who I am. I’m not competitive in life, so why am I doing this behavior?
The other thing is my bad habits. Since I’ve been working more and getting into flow state. My bad habits are rising up. It seems like how closer I get to greatness, the more distractions and feelings are coming my way. It feels like something is trying to pull me back to the old me and hold on for dear life. It’s for sure my primitive brain, I need to pick up my meditations agian.
Life is a learning process. It takes time to acquire a new habit. And it takes time to test and internalize a new view.
But all of your past habits, even the dysfunctional ones, were originally part of the strategies that were helping you to survive. Give them the respect and gratitude they deserve; even when it’s time to outgrow them and retire them.
Actually, if you were being competitive, you would have let the guy make the mistake first, and then you would’ve pointed it out; hence allowing yourself to look even more superior in comparison. In this case, you were actually being generous in order to create a better result for the whole team.
That’s another way of looking at the same situation.
Give yourself a break.
But also, at those times when we’re in an insecure space, we may interpret any ego-reactive or negative responses from others as meaning that we’ve made a mistake or we are in the wrong. That’s just life.
I remember when I was 10 years old, I went to visit a classmate’s house, and he was beating up his younger sister who was 8 or 9. I knew it was wrong, and I made him stop. Then he yelled at me, ‘Who’s friend are you anyway?! Are you coming here to play with her?!’. And I felt very bad, might’ve even cried a little. Don’t remember.
I was confident enough to stop him, but also not secure enough to face the backlash.
Looking back though, many decades later (heh heh), I know it was right to stop him. And I’m proud that 10 year old me did that. My proudest moments of childhood are the few times when I stood up for someone who needed it.
Funny how, if you’re insecure enough, even a pretty good act can feel like a real mistake. (“Should have just kept my mouth shut!”)
1 Like
I like the way you said this. That’s a good way to look at our habits.
I get where you coming from, but this time I am for certain. This morning I reflected a bit more on it and it all has to do with not living like my most authentic self. Because I’m scared that people don’t accept me/like me and that hits right into the abandonment issues that are coming up since I left Spain. I have been manipulating, lying, and playing this character that doesn’t exist. Because that’s what served me before as a kid and teenager. It defended me against my parents and the world.
So no, it wasn’t a good act, far from it. but you made me realize to be kind to myself when I’m performing. It served me before and now it’s on me to change it slowly but kindly. Because when I asked the question “What makes me manipulative when it comes to co-workers?” “Why do I need to be recognized as the best in the company?” the answers came. But they only came because I was not shouting at myself. I just asked a question and like you said “Give them the respect and gratitude they deserve” 
1 Like
Good.
You are the important one to listen to and to trust when it comes to following your path.
We, here on the discussion forum, can give you thoughts and perspectives, but ultimately it’s about trusting (and testing) your own views.
Keep it going!
2 Likes