SubliminalGuy's Dragon Reborn Journal

Journals - Major Programs
#142

And that’s basically how I feel when I’m around her. I don’t share who I am freely since undoubtedly, she’ll act like she has a penis and put me down. Hell no. It’s all a mask she wears, but why would I want to be around anyone like that? I don’t.

I try to win, and it breeds hostility between us. A lose/lose deal. And not something I wish to keep “trying” for. It’s sad for me since …it’s not safe to love her.

Frick. I think I choose to have unavailable women in my life. Healthy women emote, share without fear, trust (wow–what a concept) and it’s actually kind of scary for me when a woman doesn’t have such limitations. (they don’t match mine)

I think I’m feeding the dragon blood monster by spitting out my maladaptations. I’ll credit @Simon for that one. It seemed to be working while doing that on st1 of EOG.

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#143

Thank you for pointing this out specifically. My custom has neither, and since DR is so focused on its goal of cleansing, purifying, and rebuilding us, I am focusing on it presently. I have no plans (or no reasons) presently to build another custom at this time. But if I’m missing something, I’d like to hear about it.

I’m being broken open by Dragon Blood, and I’m not fearful. This is the very first emotional healing sub I’ve utilized where hope was found right in the middle of the nastiest muck. I believe hope gives us eyes to see light in darkness and good things amongst the worst of people and situations. It can overcome anything.

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#144

DR St1
Day 14

Feeling old emotions surfacing this morning. Like stuff I’ve pushed away repeatedly is climbing up from my belly and hitting my heart. I felt this yesterday too.

And I’ll share maybe why. Slept in another hour, so I’ve not listened to DR. I’m on my laptop now, and I haven’t opened it since yesterday morning. But I’d had v.1 of Regeneration running on it. Again, my main reason for running it was to utilize Unlimiited Physical Energy for my job, so I ran it while sleeping 2 nights ago. When I opened my laptop this morning, it resumed playing.

Before DR, I’ve very, very rarely had Regen touch deep issues for me and make itself known. I’d feel better, but I was never downcast much. DR did something in me, as Regen is running now, and I’m feeling stuff. I also ran it yesterday remembering Saint’s words in the DR sales page: he encouraged us using it with DR.

I’ll run DR on my phone when heading to work. Gotta get ready now.

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#145

I don’t know if you’re missing something. What I was thinking is that perhaps it might help with any stress you might be having with DR. There is also Negativity Displacer, Discordia Deliverance, ARES, Harmonic Singularity, Negative Energy Transmutation, Negativity Shifter, and Stress Displacement.

If you read about these, and might think you could use a bit of something extra, you have the option to at least think about these as options in addition to Joie de Vivre and Carpe Diem Ascended.

I have wondered if Regeneration is working overtime since I started DR. It might be the boosting effect I think DR is having on other programs and modules.

As for your sister, I’ve had to be around such people. Have you read the book “When I Say ‘No’ I Feel Guilty”? I’ve found it very useful in those situations. The title only partial reflects what’s in the book.

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#146

I was doing my route this morning, riding through common neighborhoods on the back of the truck when…I realized I didn’t recognize where I was at. I saw familiar street signs, but nothing looked the same. Houses looked new, but none looked familiar to me.

I wasn’t panicked at all. I just began wondering what was happening. And as soon as I began comparing my local memories to what I was seeing in front of me, it was evident. Very evident.

For the last 15 years or so, I’ve lived here, and I’ve lived in constant fear of my own memories and associations with it. Fear clung to me, and I acclimated to it. I’ve had this mental veil covering everything I see–as I’m constantly associating my “hometown” with how I protect myself, who I hang around, who I talk to, and moreso, who I avoid. Remembering anybody has had fear attached to it. I’m not kidding. It’s just how I’ve “protected” myself.

This morning, that mental veil wasn’t present. Just remembering past occasions makes me look for it–but this was in present time. And it wasn’t there. “Holy shit!” is an understatement.

And saddled with that, my sister invited me for dinner tonight, and I’m going. @RVconsultant wondered if manifestations were DR’s doing, and maybe it is. I feel like I’m challenging myself, yet it’s not with fear. It’s just feeling ok with opposing her if needed, and sharing anything pertinent to our situation. I’ve not had inhibiting fears too.

What a day.

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#147

I wonder why your sister is inviting you for dinner when she has a habit of being opposing towards you.

#148

Lots of denial

She’s also struggling emotionally (with her own shit). She still clings to her daughter’s ashes since her suicide 2 years back. Again, lots of denial. And I’m attempting to be objective

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#149

I’m sorry to hear about your sister’s daughter’s suicide (your niece?), and your sister’s emotional struggles. Some how, I think after this dinner, you will be able to look in the mirror and compliment yourself on how objective you were at the dinner with her.

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#150

You’re encouraging. Thank you.

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#151

I’ve been the one who’s badmouthed my sister.
I’ve started shit. I did that.
It wasn’t her. My resentments were in me.
I instigated her reactions in times past.

I didn’t do it tonight.

I had a really good time with my sister. Ate homemade turkey manicotti. Laughed continuously. Heard about one brother who’s an addict doing some insane shit. Laughed more.

I went to the bathroom after dinner, and that’s when I asked myself “why aren’t I defensive and angry?” I knew why. I had no expectations of her. She wasn’t triggering me since she wasn’t trying to be perfect or expecting me to be perfect.

I’ve been doing stuff wrong with her for years, but DR dismantled some troublesome shit in me, and I really enjoyed my evening. Thank you SubClub!

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#152

DR St1
Day 15

I woke up and put on DR. Went back to sleep. I chatted with my bitcoin miner upon waking, and he pointed out I was stressed. Anger? Tiredness, actually. 12 hour days are wearing on me.

I’ll admit I am throwing resentment at our female manager who’s running our department. I am.

I’m doing this with all women, or any who are in my life. I’m feeling saddened only since it’s the feeling that DR is pulling this away from me, and my subconscious is accepting it/fighting it/back and forth. I feel a bit of sadness initially.

This resentment has kept me “safe”, meaning all women have seemed dangerous to me. And why I’ve not dated since my divorce–or even before meeting my former wife.

I’m wondering how DR will free me from this. I look forward to it :slight_smile:

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#153

Now this seems like a change in perspective. What happened to that sister who

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#154

That’s some real deep healing going on regarding your relationship with your sister and your mindset about women. Happy to read this.

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#155

Dragon Reborn is serious shit

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#156

I had a very uncomfortable day wrestling with my resentments. DR is doing jujitsu on the bag of shit I’m hanging on to, and I got beat today.

That’s my whine, and I don’t wish to whine more.

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#157

I was projecting my resentments onto her. It made her the bad guy and me the good guy. I read your reply mid-day, and that’s what I know to be true. I couldn’t own my shit, but boy, I could put it all over her. Now SHE’S someone I can hate! Right?

Damn. That’s exactly what I did. I feared being responsible for my ill intentions. It might of meant…I wasn’t a nice guy. (I got a chuckle there)

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#158

I imagine this was not as easy conclusion to reach.

Achievement Unlocked: Owning your own shit

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#159

I’m proud of you man!

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#160

Still doing so. I originally wrote some long post, and it was a deflection to what’s really hitting my heart.

When I read your reply midday, I sat next to the driver, and I started weeping. Nothing loud, just real. For my entire life. my daily mission has been “protect SubliminalGuy!”, and I’ve made ways and means to do so. This has been my life.

I cried since I’m being asked to let this go. My unwritten events of today were all aimed (supposedly) at protecting myself. But DR has a higher calling. It fought for me.

I followed an internal nudge 20 minutes ago, and turned on a YT video which touches me. I began crying loud enough that I thought my housemates may hear me.

I feel like I’ve never gone through this kind of “letting go”, and also–it feels attractive. @Fire did something in the script, because I want it. I want a better life, not just an experience.

The video is below. I even texted my daughter after listening twice. She responded.

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#161

DR St1
Day 16

Stressed from DR? This subliminal doesn’t stress me. I didn’t grow up with a good encourager and guide to grow through problems like DR does. I grew up with a mother stuck in her unrevealed past, and the fears of it made her life very, very small. I say that mostly since my life has gone the same way. Avoiding, avoiding, and more avoiding. Life narrows down when avoiding everything associated with my history is each day’s main goal.

DR gives me a mentality to solve problems I’m facing, but it also obliterates major unseen blocks too. I don’t find this a hard subliminal. Challenging? Yes. But I enjoy the major changes it’s pushing me through. I’ve desired them for eons.

Listening to DR now. I still feel weepy this morning.

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