SubliminalGuy's Dragon Reborn Journal

Journals - Major Programs
#303

Again, I have been the one judging and criticizing her. She is difficult to get along with. She pulled me aside after returning to her house since I’d been emitting some bad vibes, we talked privately, and I carefully and honestly admitted what I wrote above. I had expectations of her, and she wasn’t doing as I wanted or expected her to. I realized this was harmful and demeaning to her, and sharing it took out the ill feelings. I’ve pointed at and blamed her repeatedly–and it’s for exactly what I’ve been doing myself.

It takes one to know one. I’ve been the difficult one to get along with too.

Fear of abandonment has been surfacing on St2, and it’s deeply rooted in early childhood. I was naming her since she’s the one female sibling I have, and I’ve been terrified of being abandoned, or worse, me abandoning her (again). There really is no logical adult answer for this since this didn’t come from an adult mindset. It was the child in me fearing the worst and looking for me to comfort him. I see this as good since I aired it here freely, and that feeling has not “owned” me.

I’ve been listening to my 2nd loop while writing. I feel a sense of hope, so that covers a lot of things not dealt with yet.

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#304

I hope you will get over that fear soon. It’s clear DR is working on it.

Once you do, I think your relationship with your sister will improve a lot.
That fear is clearly creating tension between you two.

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#305

You’re 100% correct there. I choose to distance myself often mainly due to her level of “normal chaos”. That fear has grabbed onto me numerous times when some isolation would have done wonders.

(And I pulled the Solitude module out of my list. Damn fear is conniving :angry:)

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#306

You said it better than I could have!

I can understand why you might have withdrawn from her.

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#307

There is absolutely nothing wrong with distancing yourself from someone for whom chaos is normal. It’s a healthy thing to do in a lot of cases. You have your own issues and she has hers. You have no obligation whatsoever to get caught up in anyone else’s crap, especially if it gets in the way of your own healing and progress.

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#308

Good words. Thank you for sharing that.

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#309

DR St2
Day 6
1st rest day

I didn’t wish to write today; something’s being worked on, and I’m writing now since I sense it’s working on this lifelong anger block (or trauma) I’ve lived with. I took a nap, and DR was slowly executing, as an energy was growing in my gut section.

In my dreamy state, I was feeling this energy building and holding, and my mind began making sense of it. I feel like some resistant blockade is quickly being broken down–and I’m not really afraid with this happening. I imagined owning my anger, not anger owning me, and I felt free.

This holds me back from SO MUCH free expression with anyone, anywhere, at any time since I’m constantly judging myself for not agreeing with everything anyone says and not voicing it. Most times I just agree with people. I have my own voice and mind. I often suppress it since childhood fears rise instantly. That fear is of being physically harmed for feeling angry (truth). And the main way I’ve expressed anger is with fear clenching at my gut in the middle of it. This happens maybe every few months, if that often, since I feel I’m traumatizing myself when doing so.

I’ve imagined expressing myself freely, shocking some (myself included), and not agreeing to these oppressive chains anymore. My fears of being angry stem from some memory (I had a piece of it in my dreamy mode), plus anger was always used as a hurtful weapon while growing up, whether by words or actions. Words were used most of the time.

I’m sensing DR pushing through (pissing off the mental gatekeeper, actually), and snapping chains. It’s battling guilt and fear, and it’s not through. I’m not through. I even wondered if I should extend St2 longer. I won’t make major plans now, but it is possible. I’m only 6 days in.

#310

DR St2
Day 7
2nd rest day

I was just reading @GoldenTiger’s terminus thread, and I got into the social groove in his thread, talking about girls, business, anything at all.

And I looked at myself, wondering where I was. I felt like I was in 5th grade, actually being normal–but something stopped. I didn’t come here to write that whole story, but I miss the close associations I had and felt back then. I trusted myself more. I had confidence, which was new for me. I had a goal, I achieved it (and much more), and I felt successful.

Why did “normal” stop?
Answer: I felt like I lost my brother, the one I followed. It was a combination of my devotion to doing my best in school, plus us going to different schools (he is a year older than me). He was skipping school and acting out, and I saw it as a losing battle.
In my own mind, I honestly keep returning to that “little brother” mindset, desiring his leadership. I’m gullible to where if a leader pops up and identifies me, my heart opens up, and I can identify him quickly as my “older brother” figure. But (the big eraser), to prevent similar losses in real life, I avoid most leader figures. For example, one writer to male audiences I really agreed with–but me involving myself in his aim meant…I might be hurt again. I realized true growth meant relationships with other males. Something feels wrong in my life.

It’s like I’m holding on to an anchor. I see possibilities of growth, health, and relationships, but… I stop. Still hanging on to this old norm. Story of my life.

Becoming aware of it is important. I’m here now.

Edit: I’ve written about my brother before. I’m feeling more comfortable with major changes happening, so I’m writing with a different intention. We all have problems, most of us talk about them at some time, but changing our reaction and future beliefs about ourselves is much rarer. I’m desiring this.

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#311

I’m also seeking some “feel good”. Reading journals has me considering a loop of Emperor. It pushes me…and my room could use some cleaning. But I know it’s nothing more than avoiding my feelings of feeling powerless with my past. That’s the biggest motivator.

Also, this is my rest day. Sundays feel LONG when lying in bed.

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#312

Reconnect with it.

With good mental health a lot of things comes back. Natural things such as drive, hapiness, ideas, creativity, etc. When you fill your needs, you will see change happening more and more.

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#313

I’ve noticed that with DR my anger is dissipating. A lot is just gone. Even when I try to think angry or negative about something, I have to put in some effort. Then I start to feel tired or bored.

Rather than having to work to decrease my negative or angry reactions, I actually would have to put in work to have negative or angry reactions.

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#314

I like your perspective. I’ve found little of that feeling coming up since I wrote about it. I’ll pass on “looking” for it myself as well.

I did that for years. No gains achieved. No thank you. If it needs to surface, it will.

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#315

@RVconsultant @subliminalguy I think DR helps bring clarity to whatever you’re feeling so it can be addressed rationally and logically as opposed to just going off uncontrollably

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#316

What? Not allowed to go off uncontrollably? Dang!

I must be on the wrong sub!

JK

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#317

:dragon_face:EXACTLY!:dragon:

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#318

I’m having a rough day since I know I’ve done too much subliminal imput today. Classic recon. I may do another rest day tomorrow. I’ve felt fear of feelings surfacing, and I’ve coped by playing more subs, Emp included. Feelings won’t kill me. Facing them is my main challenge in front of me.

I’m still hesitant to share since I’m wishing to control the outcome, and that’s not real life. I’m sad and scared since I don’t know how to face this. --maybe I’ll be surprised like I was with my sister a few weeks back. For example, AM ramps up when one’s under heavy financial stress, and a few have shared surprising stories of coming out of it. I wonder if DR has this feature in it.

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#319

There’s something I experienced lately on DR.

About a week ago, I clearly remember thinking of God, and my mind was wondering about Him. This was unplanned and quite different, for I began wondering “who is He really?” I was looking for facts–and that is not something I do much in my spiritual history. Yet I sat and curiously wondered “who is He?” I let my mind explore my memory banks.

It was quite refreshing. I’ve normally had protective walls in my mind about God, which means I don’t question what I know. Almost like I felt blasphemous for doing so. Quite surprisingly, it was encouraging to do this. To seek answers for the deepest things in life was desirable. I never expected this.

I thought of this since I’ve felt low lately, where I’m looking for how I’ve made it throughout my life. Most times when I’ve been low, I’ve turned to God, seeking some help, some hope. And I usually find some relief. This is sacred to me, for I feel honored and lifted up for even approaching Him. I know I’m in that spot now, and I wanted to share it.

And oh yeah, loops today. I woke up and listened to Regeneration Q this morning. After that, I put on Primal. I didn’t have a plan, I just had this thought keep coming up while listening to Regeneration. I’m seeking a more dominant mindset, which is assuring to me. It’s funny how I was hesitant to admit that :wink:

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#320

You said it perfectly. This made me also think of my “normal”. When did it stop? Why did it stop? Gradually my normal changed into something I do not like, at times even detest.

I hope DR will get rid of the garbage to help me go back to my optimal self, when normal was good, when it was welcomed, and when it was filled with optimism.

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#321

I love the hope and optimism I see in your words here :slight_smile:

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#322

Lastly, I’m sensing a reconciliation between spiritual thoughts–along with the sexually dominant mindset. It doesn’t feel chaotic, which is good. Makes a good morning :slight_smile: