I’d call it a reality shift. Because everything is shifting.
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June 9, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 1
2nd rest day
I don’t feel so strong this morning, and I come here since I don’t want to lie to myself once again.
I woke up feeling slightly sore and tired after doing a 12 hour day yesterday. It’s not my norm, but I know I’ll be doing similarly next week.
I’m trying to write, and something keeps pushing through, so I’ll share it. Part of me is still looking for the easy way, which is lying and hiding. As I wrote that, memories of putting myself through mental contortion came up, and tears came, literally. Yeah, forcing myself to accept lies is my old lifestyle. I don’t want to go back. Even while writing that, the old me is looking for a way to “save” himself. It hurts going there. That is why I don’t want it.
Am I… am I experiencing the breaking away from my old identity? Sadness and fear come together, and I don’t feel secure about normal fallbacks. I’m unsure of who I am. Nobody can answer that but me. My heart is torn between “I want…” and "I don’t want…
I’ll see if anything surfaces today. 2nd rest day, and I’m stirred already.".
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June 10, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 1
Listening to my custom St2 and Elixir now
I’ve been feeling shame since my old thinking’s been surfacing, so I’ve pulled off writing. I have some old messed-up priorities, and it hurts still pulling back to them.
In short, 2 days ago I woke up feeling some breakthroughs. It was completely against my norm. My error was hoping and looking for it to continue with all its excitement and strength. Having old thinking resurface led me to feeling old shame again (feeling like I’d failed again), and I feel like anything I say here is bullshit since the shame is constantly motivating me to hide it.
There’s been good and bad showing, but my confidence has been low.
Note: I do see I’m much more willing to tell the truth, whether it’s good or bad, in person and online. That’s a good thing. Shame pleads with me to hide and lie, but it only brings more pain. So growth is showing.
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June 11, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 1
1st rest day
I had a restful sleep, and I had a dream that I remembered. I was in a room which looked like a bank. I was there with a mindset to make life decisions for myself. I’m realizing this all reflected self-beliefs now.
There was a chalkboard on the wall showing percentages, from 10% to 100%. I remember viewing this as a reflection of my desire for success. I eyed 100% first since I felt good. But as I stepped forward to make my choice, I chose a lower number. 70%. I looked up to 100% while standing there and felt held back. Even fearful.
In my mind, 100% meant a constant awareness of meeting others’ expectations, and that froze me. I’ve felt incapable of doing that in real life, and pictures of success in my mind have constantly been associated with this. Success has been associated with failure in my mind, capping my success for eons.
It both hurts and pisses me off knowing this. I live this way NOW, making choices on this. My job, my dreams–I view big possibilities, but I choose lower levels of success.
Now, the truth that I’m seeing. I felt like a failure growing up, attempting to make my alcoholic mother happy with me. I don’t have any memories of success in that, and those feelings and beliefs stick with me. I feel like a little boy who failed, and yes, as an adult I’ve walked away from possibilities with doors wide open since I was inwardly terrified someone would see what I saw in myself. I face this still today.
I’m not sure how DR will change this, but I’ve got a lot of time still using it. And DR is what’s needed for this, my self-beliefs. I’ve seriously considered running EOG in ZP when I’m through with DR. But that’s not my focus now. I began EOG years back, and I pulled off after months on St1 since these same beliefs about myself held me back.
This is true for me, and I’m glad I have somewhere I can share it.
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Why? Why am I so afraid?
Why do I come here fearing to tell a truth?
Who am I? Who have I been all my life?
I’ve tried to feel safe all my life, constantly running from something. Some memory (or belief) has been why life turned into nothing more than seeking safety every single day. I’ve ran in work. I’ve ran here. Ran in counselor’s and therapist’s offices. Ran in 12-step rooms. Ran from women.
I couldn’t put “ran from men” since I still turn to them, every day. But women…means my mom. I’m running from her.
I’ve been here almost daily wondering what I’m hiding from. I slept in good, but did not want to get up to face the world. I see in my mind I’m up against this dark wall. It’s cold. Smooth. Glassy. And I stand in the dark, afraid of being harshly exposed, or even being noticed.
I imagine going out, even shopping, and I see an older man and relax. Even imagining women (older, of course) saddens me. I expect judgement and rejection. Why? Mom was like that all the time. Every single day. Non-stop. I believed what she told me. And something “wrong” was always found.
I had no right to be loved.
I wasn’t loveable.
I wasn’t worth it.
She didn’t love herself.
So, I wasn’t loveable either.
Fault and blame were found constantly.
And I hid this. I hid that my mom wouldn’t share love with anyone. Just hate. Self-hate. I was ashamed of her. Fearful people would find out this truth. I was deathly afraid of anyone ever knowing our truth. That’s why school was a haven for me. I liked school since people were more loving there. Some people cared. I never told them my truth, but people read me and were kind to me.
I actually noticed this at work Friday, just 2 days ago. A mechanic tried calling me out jokingly for something I’d done, and the main secretary was with him. He actually stopped himself mid-sentence, saying “I’m not mad at (my name). He’s a good guy”. The secretary said the same thing right after, and I noticed. I think they saw a man who looked whooped already (facing some recon), so both pulled back their jabs and turned to kindness. Just like back in school.
I’ve gotten that most of my life. I just saw it happening Friday.
I’m feeling kind of soft now. I’ve cried a couple of times while writing. I feel like I could/should keep on writing, but I’m going to take a break.
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2nd rest day (cont.)
I’m gonna get busy, as I’ve had a ton of small things just sitting on my to-do list. I read @friday’s comment in Saint’s Mind Control thread, and it hit me. He pointed out the importance of doing something (anything) during reconciliation to reinforce the sub’s message.
I’d read this after getting up, making coffee, and suddenly deciding to clean my dishes, and make a crockpot meal I’d had plans for last weekend, but never did it. Sounds like my old Ascension thread, as washing my dishes one night was a similar relief. I’d not done them in a week then either.
I am thinking about contacting a guy who I reached out to while I was on Kahn when it first came out. I’m kind of scared of being criticized (or challenged). He was never like that. His life fell apart, and he reached out to a men’s organization that holds regular men’s healing seminars in various cities. He moved forward, doubting himself incessantly, but chose to go to a more intense weekend experience with them, and that’s where he broke down and saw his roots.
I’m scared of merely reaching out, but f it. When fear wins, I die to myself. I don’t want that regret.
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I just emailed the guy I spoke of earlier. It was late 2019 when we connected. He’s become a life coach for men, and his site is sampond.com. I’ll share I’m feeling detached (due to fear) but then found this video on his site. I remembered a similar feeling while watching it, for he shows very little dishonesty of who he is.
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You are growing, bro. All will be well cause you are in the right place for self-growth.
You are in a dark cocoon of healing right now. But soon you will be a glorious butterfly.
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2nd rest day (cont.)
I’m out doing laundry, and I stopped at 2 stores before coming here. I felt unusually willing to talk to older ladies and keep a short conversation going.
I felt like I was being a better me, which is why I was willing to open or continue a conversation.
I felt like that’s how I wanted to treat my Mom. With love and respect.
June 12, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 1
2nd rest day turned listening day
I’m working out of town all this week, commuting to another site each day. Since I’m craving sleep, I’m listening now to my custom St2 and Elixir so I’m not rushed in the morning (I’m up an hour earlier than normal: 3AM). My main reason I don’t listen at nights is remembering my on/off days gets confusing. But I’m listening now. I’ll see how this goes.
I haven’t had clear signals whether I’m pumped up or mellowed out; that never showed for me.
But the last time I listened at night I felt like DR had done a little more moving in my mind the next day. And damn, 10 minutes have already passed. Cool.
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June 13, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 1
I’m counting today as my listening day
That was quite fast.
I listened to St2 and Elixir just hours ago. I even found out I’d put on the store version vs. my custom. But some memories popped up–and I hadn’t really been looking. Well, maybe.
Since I’ve been mostly awake since then (guess I’m one who’s pumped up by ZP), I got up and drank some water, coming back to read here on the forum. I opened @Lion’s Ascension thread, and something began tapping at my emotions. As I read, many users here began sharing goodwill and suggestions. And what began hitting my heartstrings was Lion responding to each and every one, sharing his heart and goodwill with anyone making a comment.
I know my journal’s been quite empty of comments considering how much I post, so I took a look at what I’ve done–and why. Someone will respond–damn, honesty is hard–and if I sense any similarity with my brother, I emotionally shut down. I may “like” his comment. But since I suddenly feel like I’m being engaged by my brother, I feel threatened and disconnect emotionally. I often step away from a post, hoping the busyness of life will let me forget about it once again.
I got back into bed and tried to sleep. Drifting in and out of sleep, suddenly I was in an old house in my pre-teens, feeling afraid and shut down around my brother. In short, he was a selfish bully who’d have a physical temper tantrum on me if I disagreed with him and stood my ground. I clearly remembered feeling detached from my body. I did it (I think) to avoid feeling hurt by him. I would regularly shut down my awareness of my body when home. Mom wasn’t a help since she would hold her pain inside and drink it away. She wasn’t available.
I just didn’t see this coming. I’m used to just living with this kind of pain mixed with attempted detachment. I did this for almost 4 decades of my life. I’m realizing I’m using St2, I’m fantasizing of it erasing old memories such as these, but DAMN…facing them was completely unforeseen.
I didn’t feel overwhelmed by it. I felt everything I did then, and that’s why I’m sharing. I was in my body, and I was aware. I can’t find the word or words of how I feel. I feel like I’ve never felt this combination of thoughts and feelings before without feeling overwhelmed and helpless by it all.
I’m beginning to see how I’ve survived. I’ve played cool and detached when around others (males mostly) when in my mind I was fearing an emotional or physical attack. Shutting down has been me surviving. Playing cool has been me surviving. I’m just starting to feel this.
Lastly, this encourages me. I didn’t see it coming, and I’m not sidelined either. Thank you Fire.
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I used to use a very similar coping mechanism all the time for many years since I was four (or maybe earlier). I was detached from reality and my own body. I would daydream (creating my fantasy world in my mind) all the time. I was my eyes only… as if I had had no heart nor feelings. My typical reaction to any kind of stress or challenge was shutting down immediately. Some alpha programs and DR have helped me get out of this nightmare but there’s still something lingering in the back of my head. I think it’s about being deaf to the “one song” (what the universe “says”), being detached from the universe on some deep level, and feeling isolated, feeling totally alone and on my own. It seems to me CWoN is tackling this right now and I hope it’s going to get resolved since I’m confident that it must be done if I really want to embody my true and beautiful self. I’m tired of being the mutilated “monster” the past made of me.
Peace, brother, we can do it. 
I’ve forgiven them all and let it go. I know they loved me in their own crooked way. Especially, my dad.
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June 13, 2022 (cont.)
I’m having recon today, have been blowing off responsibilities left and right since I got home.
I had planned on possibly making a quick comment to @Sub.Zero that I’d get back with him tomorrow.
But last weekend I read something @friday wrote about recon, and this is why I’m writing. I only remembered this 10 minutes ago. He said one needs to take more action during recon to drill in the subliminal message (very rough paraprase). Considering this recon is trying to take me back into painful ways, I’ll keep writing.
@Sub.Zero, I read your reply this morning, and I was immediately touched. And I purposely did not “like” it then. I’ve sometimes done that out of imagined guilt and shame of ignoring somebody. I did not “like” your post since I’ve done that to appease first, then forget soon since my fears of an abusive brother figure kept my heart from participating. I didn’t want that. I wanted to respond in a non-rushed way. To say I relate. To thank you for speaking up.
I grew up believing these beliefs and feelings will never go away, but your story is saying something else. At this moment, I’m facing some unbelief, but it feels like recon is still searching for some way to discourage me from pursuing this.
Hmmm, maybe it was my lack of sleep last night. I was tired today.
Now, can manifestations show up as challenges? My plans to work out of town were changed last minute, and I worked with a guy I’ve liked at our site. But he can be mentally traumatizing. He’s ex-Army, and did time at war post-911. He’s hard, extremely focused…and quickly critical of anyone who doesn’t see work solutions like he does. Which means… everyone. He’s damn good at getting the job done, but he cares little about …damn…my truth and whine: me.
I realized an hour into our route that I expected him to soften up for me. Flip. Yeah, I had those old feelings of “big brother, take care of me”. But when he did, by commanding me to do things anyone would know, I realized I didn’t like it at all. I had given that unspoken message for him to lead me, and it wasn’t working in my newer DR-affected thoughts. It was unhealthy. I ended up being much quieter and distant thereafter. Not resentful, just pulled back from the unhealthy environment I myself had created.
I’m embarrassed to admit that, but that’s what I did.
A good thing I allowed was seeing this as a lesson to learn from rather than identifying with a failed experiment. I made a mistake. I’m not a mistake. That’s freeing!
The rest of my day I felt a new (to me) kind of recon. I wasn’t hung up by so many opinions of others, and I just wanted to hide. Be unseen. Avoid people who might care about me (yeah, that’s the scariest for trauma survivors). This is also why I almost skipped out of sharing today. The scared boy in me wants to RUN from remembering the pain and feeling it. Ate junk food for dinner. I’m in bed already. I’m wishing to feel young–and am seeking to feel sad (does this make any sense?). I’ve been in flight mode.
I’m going to sign off. Thinking of watching a movie. Maybe. Will see.
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I experienced this countless times in the past. It was like telling myself I don’t deserve anyone’s compassion but I’m predestined to suffer and since so many people had hurt me it meant that inflicting me that pain was justified and I was to inflict it to myself to be “just” too. Mutilating me and myself emotionally was “the right thing” to do and the only way of living. In other words, I believed deep inside (I felt it with my whole being) I was born to be an emotional cripple, a victim to others and a monster others had the right to mutilate and annihilate.
I’m sorry if I’m too intense, mate. I’m over it but I understand you need to face your own demons every day.
People may not have patience for you because they don’t feel you, they don’t understand and are full of their own emotional garbage but you… need to have mercy upon yourself, be patient to yourself, be caring and loving even though those “monsters” are not. You’re a beautiful living being and you deserve this all.
I suppose most of us in the community cannot relate to your experiences and it’s just beyond their comprehension how damaged some of us can be but still there are some who can relate to it and I’m telling you there’s a way out. Patient, caring and loving to the boy who was meant to perish at the monster’s will. Yet he’s standing still, broken but facing his demons as brave as he can every single day.
Respect for you, mate. I’ll be following your progress.
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June 14, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 1
1st rest day
That wasn’t too intense. It feels exactly like my recon’s felt, which is a major stirring of old memories, feelings, and subsequent choices I face when they show up.
I’m like “thank God for DR”. I’ve faced this in times past, and I now have a tool which offers some hope. (I’ve also got Chosen in my custom which gives hope). But I’m remembering my first 12-step experience I had 30 years ago. Recovery rooms and emotional healing became vogue at the time, and ours, like many others, were ill-equipped for that depth of healing. I remember feeling like I am now. That’s when I thought I could control my past by learning about it. I thought “if I read this thick recovery book, I’ll feel better.” 3 or 4 books later, and I still felt like shit. I’ve written of this experience in other journals here, and it was comparable to having joined an Emotional Marines Unit, for I beat myself up constantly. No self-love. I even had a sponsor (a guide with more experience), but I was a combination of thick walls, extreme need, and constant fear of being hurt. I was living on my own and would have to walk half a block over to call him on a public pay phone (remember those?). My hope at that time was “someone else has the answer”, so I pursued him. I was too much. I went to counselors and finally found Al-Anon, and I stayed with them many years. Still, I was doing the same old dance since I was terrified of my past.
When I found subliminals, I finally found some hope of healing. Of facing my past. So I can stop running. Those painful memories are a reminder though. Do I really want to go back there? Without tools, guidance, or support…I would. I have many times. It’s “familiar” pain.
But I’ve done that so many times. It always hurts. I’m tired of revisiting familiar pain. I’m stirred up now, almost angry. I’ve been writing an hour and have to get up.
Thank you for sharing @Sub.Zero. It stirred my thoughts, and I’m not using the exact same coping tools now. 
Edit: I felt scared as I finished writing all that. I felt that “undeserving” feeling rising up, and me writing “not using the exact same coping tools” was like I am denying myself real hope again, in truth. Like I’m trying to disqualify myself. It’s still active.
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That self-sabotage and self-contempt were the most difficult ones to deal with. The best tools for that are those that cultivate self-love but they may cause some recon during the convalescence as well. I dealt with those finally when running DR st 3 and Love Bomb (the prototype) as far as I remember.
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June 14, 2022 (cont.)
@Sub.Zero, I’ve been doing banking stuff online for hours (work-related), and I’m tired. I’ll reply in the morning
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June 15, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 1
2nd rest day
I woke up feeling sad but unafraid. I usually feel fear, but the lack of it has me wanting to dig into the sadness.
My emotions feel kind of jumbled presently. I’m picking up that this is for me. I’ll honor myself here and not air that out.
@Sub.Zero, I started out with Love Bomb during St.1. I usually have no conflicts with it, but it was early in my journey, and it brought on some recon. Someone with experience suggested Elixir, and I jumped on it remembering @James using it during his first time using DR. He felt balanced, more mature, and more solid while using it, so I wasn’t held back. I’ve had moments while using it on St.1 thinking “things are going to get better”. Plus, feeling solid and secure is addictive when fear has run my life for so long.
I’ll share something else since it’s been trying to demotivate me from writing. I"m feeling it now. I’ve had that faint “soul scream” going on. Anyone here would call it recon. I don’t think it’s recon, but…maybe I’m wrong. It’s different since it’s much closer to a “soul cry”. It’s what I spoke of when I started this post. Very personal feeling, not mixed with terror or pain, just a part of me is crying inside. And I’m not used to owning and feeling it.
BOOM. I’m carrying a belief that “I can’t handle this”. It’s been on my back from day 1 on DR. It’s steered me away from painful growth–and also invited “familiar” pain (from overindulging, binging on junk food, etc). It’s trying to keep my life small, predictable, and manageable. It also leaves me SAD since it’s all about sabotaging success, big or little. When I’ve given in, I’ve also felt fear of rejection, so I’ve lied to others and myself, leading to more sadness. I’ve done this in different ways for decades. I’m seeing it this morning.
It’s been that voice trying to shut me up too. And I’m fighting it. Hope I don’t wear out people with me talking today. 
Out for now.
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That’s the strongest side effect of healing (=recon) I experience nowadays. I’ve read some posts where people described more intense effects of healing (=recon) like even questioning the point of their life. It’s good you’ve got to that level. Saint calls it the cry of the soul. It may mean you’re very close to integrating the main goals of the script. At least that’s usually the case when I’m experiencing it.
Thank you for sharing.
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