SubliminalGuy's DR Journey

Journals - Major Programs
#220

May 30, 2022 (cont.)

I’m in the middle of a whine. A sad whine, unsure of why.

I said goodbye to my daughter today. Got a peaceful ride home with the ex-inlaws. I actually feared coming home since…

Since I come here and push everyone who cares away. That’s why I had no heartfelt desire to enter my lonely room. I felt like a contributor in a big house there. It fed me. Here, a selfish me has often led me around.

Damn.

I was just on @Geoff’s thread, and me writing back connected with me giving to someone again. What’s happening? My default’s changing. I don’t know what to do anymore (no old “safe” default reactions–safe meaning cold)

And “mad” (an old safe response) doesn’t work. I’m sad, and wanting to cry it out. I’ve watched sappy YT videos for the last hour, trying to bring stuff out.

I’m sad…since I’m not in control and honestly wish to let go of stuff.

Maybe Stage 2 is working and I’m just unfamiliar with it. Maybe it’s actually feeling and crying when needed around my daughter. Maybe–no, not maybe–it was me telling my ex’s husband in many different ways that I respect that he’s her husband. She’s not mine anymore. I respected him. I didn’t hide behind the front of anger. I wanted to let go of it. Of my anger. I wanted to stop giving myself pain via anger. I let go. Still letting go.

Damn fireworks go off after one loop. Yesterday morning. It’s 9PM in the evening, a day later. Wow.

4 Likes
#221

May 31, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 3
2nd rest day

I think giving lessens the imagined pain of rejection. At this moment my emotions seem very fragile. One minute ago a scared part of me tried to get me to not write since I feel so vulnerable.

Why am I writing? I’m writing since just like Stage 1, I do not feel overwhelmed. My heart’s sore, and I could find a reason to cry and flush it out, yet I don’t have that normal wave of fear holding me back, convincing me to hide.

I even actually gave thought to a solution which I have never considered doing before, well, not in the last 10 years. Over the years, Saint and others have preached taking action to lessen the pain of change and recon. I purposely jumped on DR to soften my heart and come to terms with truths I’ve repeatedly hidden from, all so I can feel and be human around others. I’ve blocked love at each and every turn.

I considered…(this is SO weird for me) actually stepping out and helping someone/a group in my town. I’m freaking serious. My heart is imagining me joining a homeless shelter here–to allow my heart to breathe. To give, to share, to not make my life ONLY about me. To feel like a living, breathing person again.

:slight_smile: . Gotta report this. A battle ensued in my thinking. My heart on one side accepting and encouraging change. And on the other side, a proud, scared kid trying to hide from responsiblity using beliefs of helplessness. I felt that clear cry of “I can’t…sob sob…do this!”

I’m going to let this stew. I sense internal change going on. Gonna let this cook.

#222

Still writing… I did Elixir with DR last time. I’m going to run Chosen with it tomorrow since I’d put Chosen in my St.1 custom and got used to it. I need some courage.

#223

June 1, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 1
Listening to Chosen and DR now

I’m mentally messy right now. Dropped into bed soon after I got home, slept 5 hours or so, and woke up. Wrote some on the forum, then dropped again. Didn’t sleep, so I’m up now to share things. 2am.

In short, I feel St2 is what people talked about while doing Kahn Stage 1 when it came out (2?) years ago. Finding words that I’m comfortable with is difficult. If I Am (in Kahn St.1) overwrites everything, it kind of feels like that. I did Kahn St.1, but never had this. I keep looking for familiar thoughts, emotions, and escapes. I’ll see one, but as I try to “wear” it, it evaporates.

I’m becoming aware of some fronts I’ve been hiding behind. I considered writing here an hour ago, slipped into my old mental “writing persona”, and felt a blowout. Something wasn’t working, and I was seeing in my mind this dead jelly man (like the toy Stretch Man from 40 years ago) hanging off of me while I was attempting to make him look real. It was like “are you serious?” Hiding’s always been the easiest escape for me.

Even now, I just felt uncomfortable since I’m AWARE I’m looking for a front, a persona. Why? Because being me has definitely NOT been my life practice. It was learned in childhood. And being a creative soul, finding a front I could live with seemed my endgame. Now, I’m feeling disappointment when I see I’m wearing a front.

Why am I hiding?

Not so sure I’m ready for the answer yet.

I get a feeling that answer will unlock a lot of things I’ve been hiding from.

Edit: something just popped up. I thought of this yesterday while working. I had this old belief that “something’s wrong with me. I’m not ok.” This is stage 2’s target.

1 Like
#224

Ever almost written something, and had the thinking “I’m not worth it”?

I just did. Stage 2 must be working on it. I’m scared and hopeful at the same time.

#225

June 1, 2022 (cont.)

I’m buying my St2 custom tomorrow. I am really looking forward to it, as my St.1 custom was really smooth. I’d asked if new customs got the new anti-recon scripting last week, and I was connected to something Saint said.

I also traded Sanguine out for Inner Voice. I’d wondered about that days back, and when I got home today, I felt my own inner voice being negative. So that decided it. Yeah, that steers me 24/7, so I need some hope and encouragement.

My St 1 custom felt so natural and desirable–it didn’t leave me feeling belittled–so I’m seeking to keep this going.

1 Like
#226

June 3, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 1
2nd rest day

These last days, I’m really having trouble trying to NOT be me. “Not me” is safe. Noone knows me. I’ve been increasingly uncomfortable trying to be cool, calm, in control…all my mental hideouts.

It’s not comfortable. I keep trying to hide from it, and it won’t go away.

Loops in the morning. I’ll rest on it.

2 Likes
#227

June 4, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 1
Listening to Chosen and DR now

I woke up remembering the smoothness of my St.1 custom, and I look forward to my St.2 custom. I should receive it Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. I am a believer in the new anti-recon scripting. That and seeing quick results on a custom sells me over.

I’m thinking of last night’s recon and am going in to work this morning. I feel a little more open to being honest with myself and others this morning. Meaning just being who I am. Feelings of recon are right here again after writing that. I guess I’m not used to being myself. Not even sure how. But that questioning comes from an old me looking to build a mask. Being me doesn’t take any struggle. Yeah, it’s me getting used to a new reality.

I paused writing, considered what to write next, and realized that part of me is still trying to build a mask. I’ll pass on that. I’m glad I’m seeing progress.

#228

June 4, 2022 (cont.)

I’m taking my time reading through the GLM discussion thread, and it’s boosting my confidence just reading it. I’ve become more aware of my weak thoughts lately, and I’ve wondered what could help this without taking away from DR’s work. It already appears that a toned-down version of GLM is in DR, but I’m curious about stacking it with my DR2/Chosen custom.

Yeah, I could probably really benefit from this. Right after writing above, I felt myself negating myself and this desire. I’m going to continue reading on it.

#229

June 4, 2022 (cont.)

Journaling and introspection is taking action on DR. So I’m following this suggestion and am going to tell on myself.

I’ve been feeling quite inadequate when sharing here lately. I open up this site, and I’ve instantly felt inadequate and unlovable. Unwanted too. I’ve thought “I’ll post something exciting or attention-seeking”, and I feel like I’m working for likes in my thread. Is this all there is?

This lying to myself and others has kept me from posting. Well, maybe it’s a reason, but the truth is that I really feel unwanted. (And part of me sees something here)… I don’t like myself when I hide behind all this stench and garbage. I don’t “want” the me–the front I share.

Scary as fuck sharing this, imagining abandonment again (constantly actually).

I’m scared to share my soul…imagining abandonment. Hmmm…maybe Stage 2 is working on this, as fear of abandonment is the main reason I put on a show. It reinforces a belief that I’m not good enough. And reminds me of old traumas where I believed that.

I’m not sure how to share my soul, and I somehow know that it’s not all or nothing. I’ve just been beating the shit out of myself when even considering sharing. I imagine saying “safe” things, and I don’t know how to do it differently (which sounds like a “safe” thing to say). I’m scared of beating myself up when sharing. WhoTF am I?

Damn, personal responsibility here: who do I allow myself to be?

That’s what’s been in my head. Damn. And it allows me to blame everybody else when I’m creating my discomfort. Oh shit. We have a problem Houston.

2 Likes
#230

June 5, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 1
1st rest day

I sent a ticket to support wondering if GLM is recommended to stack with St.2. My motive: I’ve been whining a lot.

Stop. I’ve not been honest with myself. What I’m really feeling is me putting myself down before, during, and after whining. So the little boy in me feels like he just got his ass kicked and I reach out to others since I’m definitely not in my own corner. I’m trying to escape the pain I’m putting myself through.

The solution is me stopping this lifelong norm of demasculating myself.

Conversation in my head:
“what? Why? This is normal. Look at (my boss). He kicks the shit out of himself daily. This is NORMAL.”

Posting this. Seeing old shit showing up regularly. Stage 2 is working in me.

1 Like
#231

June 5, 2022 (cont.)

I’m beginning to see, mostly in little social exchanges, how I’ve repeatedly hid from reality by going somewhere else mentally. I did my laundry at a laundromat today, and I felt like I didn’t have my normal shields up. Something must have shown, as I wondered if I had this expression stuck on my face, saying something like “what am I doing here?” Just an awareness that I didn’t have masks to hide behind. I also didn’t have fears of old pain steering me to hide. Weird, but also…cool. I was realizing “this is real” It was unknown to me–but not terrifying.

2 Likes
#232

June 6, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 1
2nd rest day

Journaling and Introspection

Something’s on my mind. And it terrifies me. I grew up being afraid of it, and I received a clear reminder this morning.

I grew up being the little brother and rarely having consequences. I didn’t have to grow up, and I didn’t want to. Then my closest brother left suddenly, and I got stuck in that time period. I still feel proud to be a good little brother (ignoring the pain)…and I’m still waiting on him to rescue me (also ignoring the pain.) I’ve been here almost 40 years.

I’m scared. I’ve been open with my bitcoin miner in the 4 years I’ve known him, we’re aiming to pull funds we’ve accumulated–and I put him in this big brother role. This is me acting passive, fearing failure, and doing little so he’ll have to pull my weight. It’s unfair.

I keep circling and avoiding this, and he called me out this morning. We have a deadline, and I recently was emotionally honest with him. I put him in the big brother role, seeking him to save me. He’d gone through our old messages and emails recently, and he said I’ve been doing this with him from the start. I can’t disagree.

A truth which defies sense: I regard that old dream of having a big brother with much more importance than gaining the funds. Losing that goal of having a brother back would cut deeper than losing the large pile of funds. And that’s where I’d feel like a failure.

And I’m writing hoping to stir my subconscious in this. My whole life has followed this path, and I’m wondering how DR will affect it.

2 Likes
#233

June 7, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 1
I listened to DR and Elixir last night

I feel less afraid of myself this morning. I feel good. I listened last night before going to bed since I wanted to rest more this morning, and adding Elixir back in makes a difference. I feel less fearful while simultaneously am aware that I gave this healing to myself. It’s nice.

I stayed here a moment, and old thoughts came up. Old self-deprecating thoughts. They’re still in me, but I like the good ones more. They build rather than destroy. Good realizations.

2 Likes
#234

I’m just going to write.

I’ve felt like a failure since childhood, and everything I’ve done and created mirrors this. St2 is working on this. It’s quietly digging and healing, and I saw evidence of it in my actions yesterday.
I ended up spending 10 hours on the job when I could have spent 8. No fear was running me, just business logic. I began one job midday and had planned to not finish, an old trademark of mine. My unspoken trademark has been “don’t really succeed, feel like a failure, and look for others to prop you up.”

(Writing this is getting real)

And for some reason, I finished the job I’d started. Even finished another task after planning on “not finishing” that too. In every area of my life, I put out this “failure” vibe. Relationships (not going out), money (not starting my own business after finding numerous good ones)…I’ve felt like a failure in all of it. Every last one.

Something is changing in me. And it only happened in the last 24 hours.

I’m having no terrorizing memories, no flashbacks, none of that. I’ll give one analogy that I’m seeing in my mind. i was doing some painting at our site yesterday, and I was using a 5-gallon bucket of paint. I’m seeing that bucket as my life. I’ve been ashamed of it, have hidden from and denied it, and have danced around hoping others wouldn’t notice what I perceive as unwanted and unacceptable. The reason I’ve hung to it is nothing more than…that’s me. It’s who I thought I am. I see DR as some powerful force (like a steel arm) quietly stirring this bucket, making deep unseen changes in it. I’ve not noticed this. I’m just feeling its effects. I’m feeling like some things are being unhinged from my life.

DR is still working, sending me awarenesses of different thought processes. It’s actively working on my beliefs. No emotional turmoil. Just core belief changes.

7 Likes
#235

Wow, that’s awesome. This is a great improvement. Stage 2 huh, must feel good to see such a change :slightly_smiling_face:

3 Likes
#236

It most definitely is. It’s still hitting me, to where I’m looking for things to say (normal stuff), and I’m sensing and feeling things I’ve very rarely felt before. My quick responses feel shallow.

It’s hitting me deeply, and I invite it in.

2 Likes
#237

Seems like great news. Do you consider that a perceptual shift?

2 Likes
#238

I’d call it a reality shift. Because everything is shifting.

5 Likes
#239

June 9, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 1
2nd rest day

I don’t feel so strong this morning, and I come here since I don’t want to lie to myself once again.

I woke up feeling slightly sore and tired after doing a 12 hour day yesterday. It’s not my norm, but I know I’ll be doing similarly next week.

I’m trying to write, and something keeps pushing through, so I’ll share it. Part of me is still looking for the easy way, which is lying and hiding. As I wrote that, memories of putting myself through mental contortion came up, and tears came, literally. Yeah, forcing myself to accept lies is my old lifestyle. I don’t want to go back. Even while writing that, the old me is looking for a way to “save” himself. It hurts going there. That is why I don’t want it.

Am I… am I experiencing the breaking away from my old identity? Sadness and fear come together, and I don’t feel secure about normal fallbacks. I’m unsure of who I am. Nobody can answer that but me. My heart is torn between “I want…” and "I don’t want…

I’ll see if anything surfaces today. 2nd rest day, and I’m stirred already.".

3 Likes