I started one day ago Regeneration. I’m afraid man. I got divorce this yesterday after many years of continuous conflicts at home. I’m very dominant and with some exposition to Emperor v2 maybe got worst… Or simply that is the real me!
I want to rebirth myself and perhaps a good start will be Regeneration. @Fire and @SaintSovereign perhaps could help me with some advice.
Good luck, Bro!
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Divorce is one of the most emotionally stressful experiences one can go through. Mine happened 5 years ago. It’ll be rough for a while, but having at least one person in your life who you can turn to is a real gift. Do you have anyone who’s available and open to helping you out?
Divorce is no fun. Wasn’t meant to be. Lots of blame, self blame, and expecting bad things again can follow you… but you have a choice each and every day to face your real truths and responsibilities, or cast blame. Deciding to be honest with yourself about your part will help YOU if you go that way. For you only have control over yourself.
Emperor mixed with Regeneration? I, too, will defer to Saint and Fire, as it can be an aggressive sub. For me, doing both Regen and Emperor stirred up too much too fast.
One day at a time. Healing isn’t fast or painless. You will make it through this.
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Thanks for your words. I stopped Emperor. Only Regeneration and Limitless v2 for now on.
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No problem. Report on how you’re feeling and thinking on these subs, as that’s how you learn to trust yourself moving forward. Well, that’s how it’s been working for me.
I ran Ascension all day solo while working today. I’ve been running it alone these last 2 days since I’m seeing the confusion and clutter I create when I’m fearful. What I’ve seen is that I’ve been making things difficult. Regen is pointing this out, and I had 2 incidents at work which pointed this out.
Wednesday our department super wished to be nice to the 4 or 5 in our department, so he offered to pay for a soft drink break at a local gas station. He paid out of his pocket, which got my attention. Anyway, when they said where they were going, I chimed in “I’ll get an ice coffee”. I forgot I do some mixing of ingredients, which is a step beyond picking up some Coke’s. I told one guy how I liked it, but after they left I realized I’d been too …not easy. Noone really said anything negative, I just became aware I’d distanced myself again. This stayed in my mind the rest of the day.
And yesterday, I did it again. I’d learned the woman manager, an attractive woman, had included me in a group to receive a new work shirt (reason unknown). I’d been thinking of her, I’d been reading PS journals, and she ran into me yesterday heading towards the bathroom. This is where I’m ashamed. In my head while she was talking to me, I was pushing her away from me. And in our 2 minute discussion, I think I made her feel bad for trying to be nice to me. I wasn’t angry or rude. Emotionally, I was scared and angry though. (Yes, I just shared the truth after telling a good looking lie). She’d purposely ordered a different size since another man’s shirt didn’t fit, and it’s like…I was seeking some revenge. She was a female talking to me, me thinking she should feel difficult like I felt. Like … I thought all angry stuff, but was afraid to show anger, so fear and confusion came out, cloaking it. It was a difference of opinion with no solution.
What’s behind that? I’ve been quiet here. This is what’s really bothering me.
I’ve been angry at my mom, and 2 weeks back, I went completely incommunicado with her after picking her up from another hospital stay and spending the night at her place. Which I felt was due. I’m tired of taking care of my late stage alcoholic mother, who’s going downhill physically, and still won’t change herself, drinking not even included here. I don’t like putting bandaids on bone-deep cuts brought on by living self destructively–I’m sharing using an analogy there. Me even pretending to agree with her self destructive lifestyle of hate and blame is all a lie. I left her place without waking her during a nap. I’ve not called, and I’ve avoided all her calls and texts. A major part of me said “I’m done!” I’ve begun praying about it, asking for some lesson here, open to change my own heart, for the hate and self-hate is killing her. The alcohol is just her weapon.
I’ve avoided her since I still have childish expectations surface of her loving me. It has to stop. Been imagining going back to AlAnon (for families of alcoholics). I’m still carrying old masks of denial. Am I ready for this? It sure beats not loving myself. No meetings tonight, so I’ll pull up some speaker meetings on YT. I crave mental sobriety. Really crave it.
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My confidence has been withheld these last few days, mainly due to my internal stance at my mother. Thankfully, running Regen is beginning to tear down the fantasy thinking of mine that if I cut her off and just ostracize myself from her, I’ll be happy. This has been fucking with my thinking for years. It’s the fantasy that she’ll be emotionally healthier tomorrow, soon, whenever. And part of me has been fighting for independence from this fantasy.
I added Limitless v.2 and Limit Destroyer to my nightly Regen stack, so I’m thinking differently this morning. Inside all the anxiety of abandoning my mom is a solution based thinking. I can make positive changes for myself.
Before I began writing here this morning, I imagined writing her, telling her why I’ve separated myself. Writing is heard much easier, I think. When talking, old filters are up, evidenced by an obvious waiting for me to finish so she can speak. I’ve done this with her too, but I see it in every talk with her.
As a sidenote, I’ve been attracted to Emperor since I read how Saint cut toxic people out of his life while on Emperor. I haven’t read every single Emperor journal, but I’ll look into a few today. Cutting myself off from toxic people is a powerful step. A question which came up while writing just now is “what will I replace it with?” Being angry at people—how long does that last?
My questions may not even be relevant when it comes down to it. I’ll go read some journals now.
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The people you surround yourself with plays a huge part in how you define yourself AND how others see you. The people around you have a chance to define your mental and external life narrative – that’s why it’s so crucial to make sure you keep a circle that will uplift you. By that, I’m not referring to mental masturbation or “circle jerking,” I mean, find a circle that will give you solid advice without ulterior motives. If you have a circle calling you arrogant or some other name simply because they’re treating you badly and you’re standing up for yourself, drop 'em.
I personally follow the "fck yeah" rule. I think it was in one of Mark Manson’s books – maybe The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck. Basically, if you don’t say “F*CK YEAH” when you have a chance to hang out or chat with an acquaintance, and they don’t say the same about you – it’s probably not worth it.
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For 3 days now, I’ve been running Emperor v.3 mostly. I was cautious initially since I remembered buying v.1 last December, and I quickly became all anger. I only ran it 4 hours, and jumped to Ascension due to Alexander’s observation.
I’d been running AM, Ascension, and I even put Mogul on last Friday. My main reason for choosing Emperor over all three of those is that it not only populates my head with information, it pushes me to take action. I have greatly desired to grow out of the weak, manipulative perception of myself, to be what I’ve turned away from so often in fear, so I’m running Emperor v.3 now.
I will share what happened today, since it was a first. I’d slept overnight with Regen and Limit Destroyer running. I had no obvious reconciliation, but I detected a reluctance to jump into my day like I’ve normally had. Instead of waiting an hour or so to let my day begin, I began Emperor right on my phone in my shirt pocket.
Today I had been expecting a small bitcoin payout from one miner I’ve been working with for months. That payout was to be used as a required fee payment to withdraw a larger amount he’d accrued for me. (Just he and I; no broker or middleman). The f***up was he’d put the smaller amount right in with the larger amount instead of keeping them separate. This eliminated the possibility of using the funds to enable a withdrawal. I got really pissed off, and thank God I worked solo most of the day, for I was angry!
Maybe Regen was working on stuff too through this, for my anger was really more linked to old experiences, like those with my older brother. Strange how recent experiences on Regen and Emperor mirror old hurts in my past. Seriously.
I was angry for a couple of hours (not my norm), so I changed from Emperor to Regen on my phone. I found my wits again, and kept it on the rest of the work day.
I’m experimenting at this moment. I’m looping Regen with Emperor 3 from my home desktop PC. Regen seems to soften the anger from Emperor–for this anger has obviously sat there a while.
Going back to my experiences at work today, I have been thinking about kicking people out of my life, and last night when I read Saint’s comment, I thought of a person. Today, I wondered about this miner, and even… my ex-wife? I thought of her plans when she’ll be down for 2 weeks in July. She’ll be bringing her “boyfriend”, who she’s admitted to me 2ce now she’s not really sure about. Her first admission of him a month or so back came with her seeing red flags in his life: he’s raising 6 uncontrolled kids by himself. In my experience, she was NEVER a kid person. Teens yes. Infants, NO.
I shared this with a younger coworker today–and he thought she might be coming down to flare up some jealousy in me. She’s already told me directly she’d still be with me if she could have her way. I’m still him-hawing when I’m away from her, but last Saturday when she called me, I was rather sensual (thanks Emperor!). I even noticed it in my voice. Very sensual. I gave her a rubdown on the beach last month when they were here. God, I miss that! But I did share honestly with my coworker that I was scared of being hurt again. She left; I fought for her.
Maybe Emperor will grow me more. No. It will. It is.
PS: last Sunday I was in Walmart since I had to get a tire changed. I notice that Emperor kicks in when around people. My confidence soared. A couple in their 60’s were walking by me, and I caught the woman’s look first: a friendly smile. I returned it, looking over at her husband. He too had a smile, and in the 5 seconds passing each other, I looked at both of them, and my smile grew. It’s like we were feeding each other with something good. THAT was phenomenal! (very, very addictive, I’ll say 
)
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Something which happened last night was running through my head when I read that Saint.
I play Cashflow 202 (a financial game similar to Monopoly–with real life possibilities) with 2 friends I’ve known in 12 step groups. One has been on a mission for a few years to be financially free. But IMO, he’s held back by a bit of past baggage. One thing came up last night while playing, and I stood my ground.
In Cashflow, one starts out in the “Rat Race”. Your main goal in the game is to gain enough passive cash flow to exceed your expenses. Once you’ve done this, you leave the “Rat Race” and enter the “Fast Track”. It’s easy peasy once there. Me and the one I mentioned had both gotten into the Fast Track. For me, once I’ve gotten there, I’ve won (I’ve succeeded). Few major risks are faced in the Fast Track besides divorce (loss of all loose cash), a law suit (loss of 1/2 your cash), or an audit (loss of half your cash). Stresses are few at this level. But something came up last night.
He’d landed on a business, and he bought it, which is the goal. However, a few turns later, I landed on that same business. I could have bought it out from him, but I thought for a second, and declined it. I thought of Michael Douglas in the movie “Wall Street”, when he’d intended on buying a business that Charlie Sheen’s father worked in. Michael Douglas would destroyed it. If it was bought, his father, nearing retirement, would have been left with very little after spending so many years there.
I also thought of a very contrary quote I’d read recently by John D. Rockefeller. It was something like: Not every business opportunity is a good one.
My friend was pushing me to buy him out. Why? I didn’t need the money. I’d imagined hurting people just for some profit, so I didn’t do it. He tried a few tactics, equalizing that move with “success”. Hurting people is not my idea of success. And I ignored his stance. It was ill-guided.
I thought of him when I got home and read your reply. Sitting here now, 24 hours later, I am going to wait on this, if I even choose to do it. For like Rockefeller’s quote, not every relationship is a good one. Nor is every relationship bad. Before I decide how I’ll treat him, I’ll allow the subs to steer me into how I would treat myself. If I can love myself, I can naturally love others. When I know the truth of my motivations, I won’t have this sense of “not knowing”. I’ll trust that wisdom here.
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Something just struck me when I saw the “external life narrative”.
Just saw this on BBC.
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Questions for myself:
Why am I afraid to stand up for myself?
How might I do so today, even in small ways?
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getting physically stronger helps…start working out
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I felt a change today, and I acted it on it. No violence. I just made my stand.
This morning, a steady temp worker came in a very unusual mood. Within seconds of him coming into my area, he loudly began blaming me for why his area seemed scattered. He wanted to make it personal. In the midst of his verbalizing this, I stated honestly that I had no idea why. He resumed. But I cut him off.
Slightly serious, but also humored (he blows up sometimes over little things, and he’s not a threat), I loudly said “what the hell is up?” He wanted to escalate, coming right into my space, inches away from me. He threw a threat at me that he was turning “gangster”, which again was humorous and serious, for he’s not one to attack people normally.
I stepped towards him, inches away, said slowly “ok”, and stood there, looking at him seriously. I was ready to go if he’d begun. I might have gotten my ass kicked if it went further, but I would not let him take over in his chaos. He actually stopped. He changed his message quickly, for I wasn’t allowing his bullshit. I had been angered by his challenge. I stood there. And it was over. He apologized later in the day. But people walking on me since they’re having a bad day is bullshit.
I guess I didn’t really need anyone’s imput on what I needed to do. I knew what I needed to do, and the opportunity quickly presented itself.
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I really believe this myself. Thank you for the reminder. My mistakes do not define who I am.
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Yep. I keep having people try to pull up stuff that happened 5 years ago (that had little to nothing to do with them) and act like I owe them something because of it. My answer remains the same – not now, nor ever, will I let people deny me the right to grow and change as a person. All this “cancel culture” nonsense, digging into people’s pasts to find things you can use to pretend to be a victim and demanding they pay you some kind of penance is BS.
Don’t let ANYONE do that to you.
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Want to know what’s amazing about this morning?
During this exchange, I actually recalled something a friend of mine experienced growing up in inner city Philadelphia. He was a skinny red-haired nerd, and he became a target for bullies. He told me he made a decision one day which changed everything. When bullies decided to jump him, he consistently punched the biggest guy first. He always got his butt kicked, but his reputation changed, and they actually stopped jumping him. He still is a “nerd”, but I’ve never known him to not have a backbone. He taught me that you may get beat, but they won’t forget you. Courage is not forgotten.
This morning, I may have lost if swings were taken, but I would not lose my own self respect.
Thank you for making these subliminals, @SaintSovereign and @Fire.
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I’m going to be honest now.
Found out I missed something big for a bitcoin mining payout today. I finally thought I’d made headway to get paid today. It didn’t happen, and being angry, I began ranting at my miner. What I was angry about was she assumed I was fully aware of what still needed to happen. She’s worked hard on my account…I was angry…
I was working with a young regular temp in his 30’s. I didn’t share it with him until I realized I was oozing anger. I knew he couldn’t solve this, but I did need to not do this alone. So I didn’t. I shared only parts, and I soon realized like so many times before—that it takes one to know one–my anger at her was a realization that I was at fault too. I was assuming a LOT on my part. I knew I’d been going in with only pieces of information. I knew some things about withdrawing, and she’d thrown an option at me that I wasn’t informed about. I decided to trust her, assuming it’d work out ok. Nope.
I didn’t lose money. I lost the opportunity (well, I have a 7 day window), and …damn… Realizing I’ve rested in self pity so often, like it was a comfortable (?) norm. Just realized that.
I’m embarrassed. Old messages of shame and failure are trying to run wild to run in the “pasture of self pity”. I’ve told a few people that…I was finally being paid… and it’s big money.
(Swimming in “could of’s” and “should of’s” is pain-making too.)
“What can I learn here?” seems to be on my mind vs. self pitying thinking. Today I ran Mogul while working; I’ve been running Regeneration a lot lately at work, and I desired some financial thinking since I thought I’d be paid. It’s weird. Part of me is fighting to be solution focused, while part of me knows the passive (unaccountable) victim role. I’m liking that these subs are actually punctuating my thinking. I’m really grateful for this.
I feel low, but as I go on, it’s like I’m in my mind each moment, looking for pieces to this solution.
Again, I’ll repeat: thank you @SaintSovereign and @Fire. This thinking change is quiet, peaceful, and greatly appreciated I’ll call this progress; I am here using the subliminals, and they’re working on me.
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I’ll share something else too, as something happened from running Mogul just today.
I look for and watch business webinars regularly since I’ve looked and compared ones among each others. Call it mental masturbation, since I’ve thought I’d jump right in when I got money for one. I’ve mentally masturbated on these for a good year now.
Mogul got into my mind today though, and I’m naysaying myself for some reason. I clicked on a webinar I’d never seen before, only listened for 20 minutes, but something different was running through my brain. It was a drive to DO something for gain. I mention this since a feeling of pain and failure has been running in me recently since I’d toned down my drive due to lack of funds. Like lately I’ll start a webinar, and the voice says “another one to dismiss? Why even learn?”.
My thinking today was nothing near that. It’s like something was driving me. The only reason I haven’t stacked it with Regeneration and Limitless at home is that I thought I’d be mixing too much, plus an old belief that being successful means ignoring my needs. I believe that last reason is just reason to avoid the change. Still, would I be mixing too much? I’m running Limitless and Regen
1:1.
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Hey @subliminalguy,
I’m new here and just read through this entire post and it’s super encouraging to read through your experience and all the discussions. I’m just starting to listen to Ascension. Wondering if you have any updates since your last post in May?
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Amazing… I didn’t realize that the initial effects were a honeymoon period. That’s great to know.