SubliminalGuy--A Khan/LBFH journal

Journals - Major Programs
#1

December 12, 2022
Rest day

I began Khan St1 about a week back after considering stacking DR, Emperor, and LBFH. I’ve wanted to continue healing my thought life, but did not want to sideline real-life growth, like the little life-changing moments that do show up daily. I chose Khan since St1 overhauls our reality if we’re open to it. I’m wanting, I’m willing, and the Iron Throne in Khan has already been showing itself. I started on the first version of Khan when it was released in 2019, and that thinking that reminds you to take action in unexpected situations has begun happening. I’m glad, as avoidance is a major obstacle in my life. Even for journaling this stuff, no kidding.

So that’s why I started this journal. Iron Throne reminds me I have just have to. I’m glad it’s there.

Gotta head out to work now. Otherwise, I’d continue writing.

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#2

How does St. 1 of Khan compare to St. 1 of DR?

Curious to hear your contrast since you’ve ran both, when you get time.

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#3

DR was relatively easy to start up with St.1. I had some “fears of fear” rising, imagining sudden outburts or breakdowns, but that lasted only the initial 3=5 days. Something in DR has a strong zen feel to it, where it seems to match my own fear levels with a calm reassurance that everything will be ok. It seems to wall off the stress one would normally feel while diving into old memories.

Khan doesn’t have that same peacefulness to it, as it seems to bring a smaller feel of the Khan pressures to be faced. However, I don’t feel stressed while experiencing it. I also don’t have fears popping up presently due to facing the “now” a lot more. Since me avoiding the “now” more in regular life has been a personal default, that seems to be my main challenge on St.1 presently.

The clearest difference? DR does things I never experienced on other healing subliminals. However, I know it’s all DR.

Whereas Khan is bringing me into the resolution of the problems I’ve created. No dependency feelings or hiding in feeling powerless. So, a lot more allowance for growth, which is needed.

Thanks for asking.

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#4

Dec. 12, 2022 (cont.)

Just putting this down to own it.

I was scared to actually feel my feelings (now, and earlier). TB is taking off my normal blocks to feeling, and I’ve been feeling soft emotionally, and not in a bad way. Since I’ve begun St.1, I’ve been more likely to cry spontaneously. It’s like my mind has been willing to see beyond my normal boundaries, and emotionally I’m like “I can (could) do that?”. The tension from the truth often spills out in tears.

I know I hold back a lot, so tears don’t surprise or shock me. Something’s going to come out, and tears are a relief, actually. I’ll be doing this for a couple of cycles…maybe. I’ve been actually thinking of sales page possibilities it suggested, like running all 4 stages a month each, then returning to spend more time on any stages. (I’m looking forward to St.2 due to the attitude and mindset training). Sounds like they know some, like me, might jump off if stuck in uncomfortableness too long. So, I’m not sure yet. But I am thinking about the wisdom in that choice.

My last mention about today is…anger. I had this keen awareness today that me holding back my anger 95% of the time will be another challenge for TB to work on. I got pissed at another worker today, that anger stayed with me, and since my normal feeling blockers were not working like normal, I began to think about what was happening. And to consider possible workable solutions.

So St.1 (TB) is definitely working in me. It’s allowing me to see my own blocks I’ve put in place. This energizes me, as acting out solutions feels way better than hiding in the same-old blockages.

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#5

What are you using (or what could you use that you already have) to help with any reconciliation?

Sanguine?
Elixir?
Love Bomb?

How do you think LBFH is helping with any reconciliation?

#6

I hadn’t thought of handling recon with much more than extra days off when hitting a rough patch. I’m running a full loop of St.1, and 7 minutes of LBFH.

But I definitely feel LBFH’s effects, and it draws me in. Normally, when I’m under duress, I tend to blame and belittle myself for the pain I’m in, a. learned practice And LBFH pulls me the other direction. I know what it’s like to be kinder and loving towards myself, and I’m beginning to feel some emotional security in that.

Mind you, judging and blaming myself have been my main symptoms of recon. LBFH gives me the exact opposite leading, and it feels really, really good.

Has anyone else found LBFH useful for recon?

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#7

In the past, I’ve found Elixir to be excellent. However since ZPv2, I’ve had little to no reconciliation.

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#8

Same here. I love it :slight_smile:

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#9

I like that, I am also too much in judging mode… thanks for the insight

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#10

Yeah, it’s not a fun experience in any way

But I did loops of Khan and LBFH this morning. I feel good presently. Heading out to work now, my “testing grounds”.

#11

Dec. 14, 2022
Rest Day

TB is doing something in me which excites me. It even fills me with joy.

I’ve shared how I’ve avoided facing things in life. What I didn’t share was how this affects me personally, and my outlook. When all I’m ever doing is hiding, I foresee myself ducking and dodging everything from major responsibilities to financial opportunities, dating relationships, anything at all. I end up feeling very incompetent when facing something very doable…and that pull to hide seems like an easier route, but it’s a downward slope. I think of my mom while growing up. She let a hundred opportunities to grow and change pass by, and I witnessed her fear of succeeding and failing. I never saw her take a risky move in ANY part of life. I witnessed her hiding, her failing herself, her living in her own self-created hell. I’m actually feeling sad for her since she lived like this all her adult life. She lived in the place called “stuck”.

In truth, I’ve mimicked this.

This morning, I woke up with this inner feeling of being unwilling to go hide out. I had this inner resistance to do that building in me. This is Total Breakdown, and WOW!

I’m going to let it build. This is brand new to me! I’m game!

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#12

Dec. 15, 2022
Just listened to loops

Before I ever began Khan, I was using Limit Destroyer. I realized I was holding myself back, so that’s why I insisted on it. Since starting my present stack, I realized it was kind of heavy, so I haven’t run LD. And TB has a heavy focus on removing a lot of self-limitations.

I felt drawn to LD this morning, so I ran full loops of TB and LD.

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#13

LD helps really well with Khan :ok_hand:

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#14

Thanks man.

I really wonder what happened today with it. I was doing a job today which I’ve done over 5 years so far…and I couldn’t get it. At all.

I even began sharing with my coworker how I knew old negative thinking was coming up. A part of me feels undeserving of some financial stuff coming through–and that was the only connection that made sense to me. Like my subconcious was trying to get my attention by me not being able to do a simple task today.

Does this sound like normal stuff for St.1 to bring up?

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#15

Dec. 16, 2022
Rest day

Total Breakdown has been starting to dig in. I’d love to hide out and not admit that, but it’s true. Even so when I keep trying to hide out via (anything, really), I feel uncomfortable.

I wanted to share this since it’s true. And strangely enough, I am glad. Seriously glad. I’ve spent so many years of my life looking for and hiding in feel-good fantasies, and Khan is busting through this illusion. I’m kind of glad to be on a journey to be honest with myself.

I even feel stronger around others too. A strength from within has been growing since starting Khan. It stands out to me since past shows of dominance by me were primarily based in fear. And this is different. Very different. I never had this showing like this when using version 1 of Khan, and I ran loops for hours. I even slept with it running. But Khan ZP2, alongside LBFH, is showing me new things. With only 15 minutes needed.

And yes, Saint was right in his original summary of it, saying you’d miss your old self at times. For me, I’ve had some release tears lately. Some today. Some tonight. They’re relieving, necessary, and all part of this journey. I’m grateful to have a roadmap of what’s coming. It’s a gift.

Lots of growth showing on this stage. I’m thinking of doing 2 months on St1, a month on St2 and St3 each, then I’ll decide later for St4. I’m way too early to be planning out that far. I say this since today I imagined Iron Throne pushing me to go out in social settings. I had some resistance and fear. However, I might be much different then, so I’ll look and wait for inner changes to happen first.

Khan’s loaded. And I’m only on St1!

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#16

I likened it to the difference between a hippie healing circle and and the beginning of Full Metal Jacket. Both are effective, but I noticed that while it was a tough run, Khan st 1 got RID of some stuff that a year on DR hadn’t.

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#17

Dec. 18, 2022
Rest day

I was just in my old DR journal, and I got stuck in it, enough to come write here. I was sharing freely. Writing out old unencumbered thoughts. Well, in between me trying to stifle it again.

So I’ll share that. The reason I’m on Khan after looking into DR for a while is…I began reading someone’s Khan journal a few weeks back. What made a strong impact on me is that he shared very freely, not chewing on his tongue constantly. I wanted that. I was jealous.

And for some reason, I’m still holding onto a fear of something. I know our minds will hang onto old ways since it’s literally survival for our minds. Maybe I’m plowing through old beliefs, and one is big enough to where my mind is saying “no, we’ve GOT to keep that!”

One of my choices is (not shocking)…to stay stuck. I’m in a battle with myself about changing or not. I’ll mix denial and fantasy with changing–and it doesn’t work.

Because lately I’ve really held back. I’ve done the usual looking for old standards…and even they’re not desired. Weird. I’m unsure what provides me emotional security. I keep looking for old thrills, and present change and challenges I keep dismissing since imagining acting on them give me fears: more “unknowns”. This is my life and has been my life for forever.

I’m faced with a choice: return to unfulfilling known ways, or try out some things new.

I’ll make choices today and will aim to make the right ones.

#18

Dec. 18, 2022 (cont.)

I was taking a shower and examining my thoughts coming out. I’m going to share something big.

I thought of various things and connections I have that build me up. I even thought excitedly of joining here and sharing who I am and what I’m considering (new risks to me).

And something stood out suddenly to me. I imagined one second that I was proud and boisterous here. And immediately after that thought, what I saw in my mind was…me dropping my head.

I’ve believed others don’t believe in me, don’t support me, or think anything worthy about me. This is not unique to SC. I’ve created this reality in every single part of my life. It’s why I don’t go to church, why I don’t seek outings, any place where I’ve put my worth in other people’s hands. I usually bow to an imagined field of rejection, and I end up divorcing myself quietly from such settings. However, it’s still controlling my thinking.

One thing which Khan and other SC subs speak up about is how they disconnect you from wrong social programming. Sexual, wealth, and masculine issues are addressed on various sub sales pages.

And the core of my thinking: “I don’t know how to handle life without this”. F***ed up, yes. It’s also why I’m still searching. I’m facing the discomfort of doing nothing about it vs. the discomfort of making changes. I don’t have answers just yet. But I’m growing tired of accepting what’s clearly not comfortable to me.

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#19

Dec. 22, 2022
Rest Day

I listened to Khan solo last night and this morning confirmed how I needed that. I woke up this morning considering how I’d get up, what I’do. I’ve been on a perpetual life avoidance track, and those usual leanings came up again and again. That grind from Khan against all those avoidance habits is good and why I’m using it.

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#20

Dec. 22 (cont.)

I had a huge awareness hit me today.

It was early morning. I was heading out to prep my truck at work. I was chatting and joking with some other coworkers, and I felt generally good.

But when I went to start up my truck…I couldn’t find my key. I knew I had it with me since I’d picked it up 10 minutes back. And I couldn’t find it. I looked and looked in the same places, over and over.

I felt in my mind like I was being tested, and still, old worrisome thoughts came up. I paid attention to my thoughts, seeing what was coming up. I suddenly knew my reason for being so fearful in most areas of my life.

I tend to attack myself quickly when things go wrong. I mentally begin beating myself up at an emotional level—and THAT’S why I was becoming fearful. I was afraid of what I’d do to myself. I’d cringe in pain and fear, but some part of me thought I deserved this exact treatment.

I’ve had that “I’m afraid!” mentality whenever I face imagined failure–of nearly anything. And this is why. I learned to be very, very cruel to myself. I’m a little tense now writing, feeling it even as I’m writing (me sharing this has been against my own rules). I end up wanting to cry to let out the tension I carry.

This is a major realization.

I found my key 10 minutes later. I’d used it to open the driver door. I left it in the door lock. I’ve never done that :man_shrugging:

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