Dec. 23, 2022
Listened to St.1 and LD tonight
I faced a lot of doubt about my sub choices this afternoon. I imagined a few subs, but strangely enough–I almost listened to DR St.1. Possibly because I’ve been reading my original DR journal lately, as I wrote and thought freely then. But also since I felt safer being me a bit.
Something had me stay my course though. TB is doing some work.
Yes 
That’s your negative self talk. LD helps with that 
Happy New Year 
I’m going to keep an eye on your journey with Khan, I just decided to go back to St1 for this month then add LD w/St2. St2 is worth its weight in gold, but unfortunately for me I added LBFH and had me SOAKED in emotions and staggered my growth with Khan. I’ll keep you updated bro 
I wrote this on Christmas Eve. I didn’t post it, but I’m going to now so I’ve got record of this happening. I’ve not been in this journal since that day.
Dec. 24, 2022
rest day
I’m wrestling some old messages at the moment, but I need to write. To air. Maybe continue to let go of stuff.
TB is digging in my head, and I keep looking for old relief valves. However, I feel shame trying to recreate what never solved my problems in the first place. I feel shame for justifying it. Rationalizing it. Or desperately explaining it. It’s all a literal hand-waving of my painmaking truths.
My daughter called. I knew she’d know I was bluffing if I said I’m “fine”, so I let it go to voicemail.
Then my brother texted me. A whiny text, but all wrapped up to say Merry Christmas.
And I finally called an old friend from years ago. (Manifestation? Yes). I’m in Florida, and a Christmas freeze is coming, which hasn’t happened in decades. I work the day after Christmas, but I’ve got to leave closer to 330AM since I’m at another site this week. The catch is I don’t expect my scooter battery to crank in such cold (it’s happened in previous years). I downloaded the Uber app…and it’s $45 for a 6 mile trip. Scratch that. So I googled taxi services, and I saw the name of this friend’s small transport business. Considering I’m on Khan and it’s manifesting challenges, I chose to call him. BS wasn’t common between us.
We talked about 20 minutes, and when he finally asked how things were with me, I broke. (began crying while writing that) I’m in the spot where Khan is quietly dismantling my thinking patterns, I know it’s good, but a part of me is scared I’ll get in trouble.
Specifically (and I said this out loud to him), I’m afraid I’ll be punished if I make my own choices. This survival piece in me says “Follow, follow, follow other’s lead”. That’s connected to an immaturity I’ve held to. Old very familiar norms and hideouts.
Or maybe…it’s just old comfort zones. Fear of breaking them. I try to think ahead, can’t see anything but more fantasies, and I think I might only learn when challenged with something new. Like possibly failing.
When I was on the phone with this friend, I began seeing I was in pain born out of not asking for help, and my honest reply to his direct question was admitting “I don’t know where I’m going”.
And to clarify, not knowing where I’m going isn’t the real issue. The real issue is I’ve sworn to myself that I’d be in control. I’m failing at that, and that has me feeling vulnerable.
I’m sensing some spiritual truth in this. Because I’ve always hidden behind “I’ve got this”. I’m open to it.
I pulled off Kahn a week back.
I’m using RoM now (started yesterday), and am considering adding RM. Rom is going straight to my core issues since it’s unlocking SC subs I’ve used. And I’ve used every healing sub they offer. RoM is doing something different, powerfully, and directly.
I’m glad I chose to start it.
And to be straight with you, I began Khan due to Total Breakdown. I know I need core healing, so that’s why I did so. However, RoM is very, very active in me. I just finished a PM to someone, as I came to my computer after coming home, turned on some music, and just began crying. I’ve been discussing happenings with another user here, and dang, it’s going straight in where I’ve needed healing. Right to it.
I’m actually seeking some inner changes before starting a journal. I’m kind of raw right now.
WOW, beautiful transformation your going through.glad to hear 
you found your subliminal 
RM is perfect if you love expressing your self, just be careful 
All the woman will notice your heart singing Spread Love and Joy Brother 