SubliminalGuy--A Continuing Journey

[subliminalguy]

Day 18
Phoenix custom last night
Phoenix custom tomorrow night

I wanted to write, to express myself, so I’m doing it now. I’ve been home all day hiding out, and I’m seeing something that I’ve not fully experienced before.

I’m not very comfortable in my normal hideouts like movies and junk food.

I haven’t been uncomfortable a lot today. I’ve watched a couple of movies, some YT videos, and I’ve been buying some cryptos as prices are falling. Then, maybe 30 minutes ago, I had a desire to do some responsible stuff: laundry, taking out trash, normal stuff to do on weekends.

And being honest with myself, my escapes aren’t all so attractive. I love a good romance or emotional movie…but I’ve used them for a clear reason: to block life out. I realized this and have started looking around my room. I’m not wanting to “clean clean clean!!” or bullshit like that…yet, but I’m noticing Phoenix changing my fears of outside or people to–sounds like the sales page now–to fuel my desires to go out. Little joy and life is found in isolation. That’s definitely new thinking.

Most of my avoidance of such common circumstances and people have been due to a fear of rejection. That’s the imagined fear I relive regularly, every time I’m prepping to go out. I think Phoenix is hitting this at last, as this is something I’ve endured all my life. And now, I’m not even doing my normal mental “prepping”, meaning isolating my attention to do just what needs doing. I’m actually a little scattered since I’m not locking down my attention.

Looking back on this past 2 weeks, “scattered thinking” was very common. Now I’m not seeing just X and having to hide from fears. I’m seeing A, B, and C too without fears hijacking me. I think Emperor is helping me with the mental discipline to stay focused as best I can. …but A, B, and C were attractive since they weren’t wrapped up in fear, like I’d done day in and day out with X. A, B, and C were much more attractive to me these last two weeks.

Before this I used emotion, fear specifically, to guide everyday actions. And living without it owning me is a whole new set of challenges. It’s a good problem to have, being honest. I’m slowly getting used to it. And that may have been why I felt a sense of loss a lot this week. My norm–fear–hasn’t been whipping me every day.

I’m just filling in the blanks now, little by little. I’m just so used to that feeling, every single day. Some subtle recon is evident now.

[subliminalguy]

Something else I want to report involves my main coworker, a former manager of another company, who I’ve painted as an ass numerous times. I did so last night.

I’d turned my phone off last night, my norm. When I turned it on around 8 this morning, he’d texted me to see if I was coming in to work today. Instead of ignoring him, after a minute I replied, saying I wasn’t coming in.

I picked up my phone maybe an hour later, and he’d shared something I didn’t know. Yesterday, he’d accidentally hit his head hard while loading his work truck. He hadn’t told me, and I thought he was being an ass yesterday by …(seemingly) rejecting me since I’d not got his requests accomplished. It pissed me off.

But this morning, I was the one who saw him needing compassion. He literally blanked out some activities and conversations we’d had yesterday morning, so he asked me via text. I shared what he’d done and what he’d expected me to do, also including why I hadn’t completed it.

It just hits me in my gut. Like he…needed me. That touched me. He normally pushes himself non-stop, unapologetically. I didn’t feel like I was talking with the same character I’ve experienced a lot. It was refreshing. Challenging too.

Love Bomb is in my Phoenix custom, and it’s softening me. So is Phoenix, with the emotional intelligence scripting. I sensed him needing understanding, and even acceptance of his perceived failing. And I felt willing to give it to him.

I guess real life, with real emotion and reactions, can start at any time. This was a good experience for me.

[subliminalguy]

Day 19
Phoenix custom hours ago
Emperor tomorrow morning

Subject to change??? I don’t think so.

I’ve been on the DR Regeneration discussion page today (pre-release) and Saint confirmed that it had a mechanism for helping people feel safe–and that’s what I’ve been seeking/desiring as long as I’ve been around recovery tools and environments (30+ years).

I also admitted the resilience scripting in both Emperor and Phoenix is affecting me. It keeps me focused on my emotional goal, which is to allow myself to heal.

My struggle—my old “follow the crowd” motive to gain acceptance–is being faced by Phoenix right now. Seriously, I’ve sidelined myself thousands of times for this acceptance.

Which is why I’m not going to start Regeneration after my washout. I’m going to do a 2nd cycle of Phoenix to allow it to shine. It works beautifully. It builds me up. And I’d rather learn a sub’s value from sticking with it longer. I actually own maybe 20+ SC subs, and a dozen or so I’ve either never used or used very, very shortly.

I’m going to stick with Phoenix for now. (I ask myself “why?” now)

Because I AM feeling slightly safer not battling conflicting emotions non-stop. Phoenix is a beautiful, powerful sub.

Regeneration will have it’s time. Not yet.

[subliminalguy]

Day 20
Early morning. 2AM
Can’t sleep

I’m afraid to fail

I have a manager who, frankly, I don’t like. I’ve been in this imagined confrontation with him for 30 minutes in my head.

Because he shows some of the same self-beliefs that I carry. I’ve been irritated by him lately since… he’s been projecting those beliefs onto me.

I learned years back that the only people I get angry at are people who mirror how I treat myself… and I don’t want to see it.

I’ve been dodging, evading, and running from failure my entire existence. I hide to avoid the shame I feel when even imagining it. That’s why I avoid women. I failed loving my mother enough. That’s a kid’s thinking. But I imagine that when women get close. It’s my “reason” I don’t date.

I wanted her to love me. So I tried to earn her love. And nothing ever came from it. I just wanted her love. She wouldn’t allow it. And life has been a freefall, feeling hopeless, me hoping someone will catch me.

I just feel helpless when I imagine that. Which is why I avoid avoid avoid love with women. I’ve tried to protect my heart… and it’s been hurting me.

That’s the reason I hide in a mental fantasy land.

I’m just tired of living there.

[subliminalguy]

Day 20
5:43AM

No Emperor this morning. Phoenix is working my memories unlike it’s done before.

I have to share something. The trauma, beliefs, and feelings I avoid like the plague is that I’m alone.

That’s my trauma. Mom was around physically, but emotionally, not at all. I didn’t know how to deal with it, so I went inside. I just couldn’t ask for help. I equated asking her for help with being rejected.

This is hitting home. I usually swallow it. Gotta go to work now

[subliminalguy]

Day 20
7:20PM

No loops today. Tomorrow’s day 21, so I’m likely going to do both.

I’m actually…giddy/excited! I’m FEELING change in me.

Last night, I had a very in-depth exposure to roots of the pain I’ve carried all my life. I woke up around 2, would drift in and out of sleep–but I kept seeing and feeling childhood times. I saw my mom, I felt she wasn’t there for me, and…I couldn’t/didn’t blink out of it. I felt it more than I usually allow myself to.

What is really really, really really strange for me is I’ll look back at it now, 18 hours later…but some of the sting is gone. That sting, that internal scream of fear I’ve run from…is kind of attracting me now. What I mean is…(this is a 54 yo man owning his younger beliefs)…that what I’ve been absolutely and completely terrified of is being seen completely differently!

Before it was a dark room of shame, pain, and sadness guarded by anger. A loss I never got over. This was how I was living. This, and not much else. Life was really small. Very limited. Hedged in by fears day after day.

Now I’m seeing a well-lit room. White curtains being blown through open windows. There’s light inside and out. There’s hope. There’s even…joy. Two completely different worlds.

This is unreal.

I’m a little overwhelmed by this, in a positive way.

[subliminalguy]

Washout day 1
Emperor yesterday morning
Phoenix last night

I’m feeling hopeful, and that’s not something I usually pair with healing subs. Seriously, I listened last night, and part of me is craving more this morning. It’s been a long time since I last remember experiencing that, but it was on an early version of DR. I remember sharing it in my journal, and Saint telling me that following that desire could lead to bad recon.

I never followed the urge, and I don’t have plans to now. I just haven’t felt that pull from a sub in a very long time.

This admission comes since yes, I often equate healing subs with… kicking your own ass.

Phoenix is doing something unexpected in me.

[subliminalguy]

Washout day 2

Awarenesses showing themselves this morning.

I’m seeing a growing tension between old ways and new thinking. Yesterday I was getting frustrated by my GPS giving bad directions–and I saw the connection.

I was realizing I’m usually blocking and fearing change–and my GPS was a mirror of my own choices. Doing shit that intentionally doesn’t work. In a rageful mindset, I imagined tossing things that symbolized me fighting success… for a while. But enough grief surfaced.

Those imagined manifestations showed me that a deeper work is underway. I could throw shit out left and right.

But am I tending to the roots, what’s actually leading me to fuck things up daily?

And I’m actually questioning myself throughout this writing.

Am I really just defending myself fucking things up?

A part of me definitely has been. And that’s why there’s tension. Phoenix is at work, challenging this repeatedly. Consistently. I’m feeling waves of grief letting things go. This is changing me.

My biggest job? Allowing it.

Good washout so far.

[subliminalguy]

Still washout day 2

Something came to mind maybe 30 minutes ago. I’m on a 4 day weekend, taking paid time off, so I’ve been home all day. No outside challenges. But plenty of work going on internally. I’ve felt it, and I have looked for it all day.

About 30 minutes ago, partway through a movie, I stood up, and my mind woke up. In my head I heard and felt something I’ve never felt before. I quickly felt where I was at, I felt the adult part of me trying to be heard, but a wounded kid was, and is, still leading daily choices.

In my head I felt an adult part of me say, rather honestly, “what the hell are we doing here?” Like he could see all available choices, and he was frustrated with the choices I’ve made. I didn’t feel shamed. This was me, and he was certain to get me out of my mess.

My mess: figuratively and in real life.

If my outsides reflect my insides, I’ve been making intentional choices to remain in chaos. I’ve lived here at this place over a year, and it looks like I’m still moving in. Most of my stuff is still scattered in boxes and bins. Not a “restful” place. I just sleep (and hide) here.

Relationships: my brother, the one I was left by when I was younger, texted me last night. FACT: we only text during holidays and birthdays. And he contacted me during washout (really!!!) , to share a YT video which reminded him of a fight he pushed me into when I was maybe 10. I critiqued him (pushing him away) in my head. I didn’t reply…partly since I don’t want to lie emotionally to him. Or lie to myself. (I’m trying to numb my awareness of how I feel)—did I just say that? That’s how I’ve done with him all these years.

But my choice reflects old wounds I’ve been carrying: “don’t reach out, don’t respond…he’ll probably hurt me.”

That’s exactly how I treat others, male and female. I usually…keep my wall up. Lonely AF.

And taking risks at work: nada. Zilch. I’ve been employed by my company for 7 years, and I’m making no stretches to do more. A few people have asked me about it this past week, so I’ve been wondering what I’m doing. Or WHY I’m doing this.

REASON: In every choice, in every relationship, I’m still trying…(don’t want to share this…but I do)…I’m trying to not repeat or be reminded of old wounds. The ones I’ve been coddling and protecting all of my life.

I’m usually bsing, trying to look good. Look sharp. FACT: I don’t know what is happening, where I’m going, or who I’ll be. I think I’m in the middle of “letting go” of old beliefs.

This is opposite of how I normally live (“look good, look strong”, all that). No fucking clue what’s next. Presently, my “guard my awareness” filter isn’t working. It’s made up of fantasies and false realities as I look forward. Presently, it feels disabled.

[Parsifal]

So, did I get that right?
You moved out of this shared house with the old guy?
Was that during your time away from the forum?

And congrats to this massive development

[subliminalguy]

Yeah, you got that right. I moved out over a year back. I enjoyed the guy (from a distance) but him needing to control everything worked against me. I’m living with a former home health aid of his. He’d told me about the room being open one day, and I took it.

[subliminalguy]

Washout day 3

@Parsifal, I’d originally spit out all this extra information to your question. But that’s not what you asked about, so I separated it and am posting it below. I enjoy knowing what’s really on my mind. And I remembered my main goal for starting Phoenix.

---

Thinking of why I pulled off SC subs shortly after, I fell for the belief that I could make progress on my own (I credit Emperor for this). I was making my own subs, then met a guy using the same subliminal setup, and he had a strong passion for creating useful subs, selling them online. We worked together, and he used my feedback regularly to tweak his subs. It was a win win for both of us.

After months of using subs that definitely affected me, I realized I was boomeranging back to old emotional beliefs and limitations. I began sharing with him about experiences I had with SC healing subs in my last weeks of using his. I began reading my old journals here, and this stuck with me.

Why had I bailed?
What was I afraid of, especially when I read and reread of major shifts happening?

I believe my early DR shifts were what pulled me back. It was the belief that “I don’t have to live in this inner hell”. I just didn’t want to commit to so many months of “only healing”, which bothered me during those runs (plus I used to use subs to “hide” from my inner torment)

My months on Emperor helped finalize my choice. Being stable, feeling strong, and having exposure to Rebirth (advertised in older versions of Emperor), which really made life more palatable, helped me make the choice.

Using Phoenix now is a blessing for me. A good shock after years of being afraid to make progress. Emperor is my constant companion, reminding me that I have a life, so I’m not lost in “only healing”.

I’m thinking long-term, and I did this during my previous Emperor run. I’m wanting a healthy relationship. I haven’t had one in years–and this is an actual need. LB in my Phoenix custom is rebuilding me there along with numerous relational modules. (Makes me realize I can “go out” today. What a concept )

So, my main goal for growing with Phoenix and Emperor is to have healthy relationships. I can safely say that’s what this is all about.

[subliminalguy]

Washout day 4

I got out and took a long walk. Truths popped up.

• I first began walking close to a park I used to frequent with my wife and daughter. I noticed me…not seeking people’s eyes and attention. This made me aware of something bigger.

• I realized I’ve felt powerless and frustrated with ME since I usually automatically fall in line with what others want. I’m not kidding. I seek acceptance (not being rejected) so I cave instantly. This is huge to me.

• This is also…mainly…no, ENTIRELY why I don’t want to go out. For example, if I’m out with 3 people, I’m watching all of them, looking for the leader, and following what’s most accepted. It’s a damn stretch making everyone happy with me. I don’t feel proud of myself AT ALL. Many, many times I’d leave a crowd after doing well…but feel flipping powerless…dishonest…and weak AF. A chameleon. I’d feel like shit since…who the fuck am I? Hiding from such encounters has been a constant for me the last decade.

• I saw families, and I remembered being with my wife. Phoenix changed something in me because I felt this…disgust. Sheer disgust thinking of my old norm. I’d switch moods and personalities to appease her. Pure survival tactics for me

• And BOOM!!! I saw why I am (not was) making myself miserable. (Tears now)

I’ll be alone, not needing to change and put on a mask. Then I’ll go out (work, shopping, anything) and I’ll bury ME so I am loved/liked by YOU.

I did this with my wife…and anybody really. I do this every day…and I blame YOU!!

I didn’t want to be responsible…not truthful there…I don’t want to be responsible for it. Because if I was wrong, I’d be merciless to myself. So it’s been YOU…YOU…AND YOUR FAULT TOO! Separating myself from responsibility in my head constantly.

That’s what I’m doing.

Phoenix is quite literally burning shit up.

[subliminalguy]

Washout day 5
Phoenix tonight

I’m smiling. What the hell is happening to me? I’m letting go of old identities.

This is exciting…and I’m still actively “letting go”.

I took another long walk this morning, completely unaware of what I might experience, but I wanted to find out. (Furious Ascent really showed itself this morning. Steady little prompts to take small risks)

My first and biggest prompting came 3 minutes into my walk. I saw a guy outside his house down the street, and I felt this masculine urge to support him, to be there for him if he needed it, since I picked up he was possibly chewing on something. (Phoenix’s been tearing down old beliefs). I said hello while I walked by, sensing he wanted a little interaction. But I didn’t look back. I didn’t, and I know now I was doing the main thing I’ve done to keep myself safe: stay away.

But it bothered me. Not from a hurt kid’s perspective. I saw myself as a competent adult. And I’d cut him off by closing down any further interaction.

I followed my thoughts and feelings. I didn’t want to perpetually create pain–for me. I’d done this many, many times in life, to be “safe”. I remembered being on Stark, being uncharacteristically social with others. And I wondered…should I trade out Emperor for Stark? I brewed on it.

This is exactly what Furious Ascent is prompting me with.
What am I afraid of?
Rather, what am I afraid of experiencing? Or letting go?

This shift, this letting go of old beliefs, is exciting…since I’m actually looking into things I’ve spent so much energy avoiding. I’m opening the door, and I’m not used to that.

But Stark, along with this Phoenix clearing and healing of old beliefs, sounds very exciting.

Fact: I’ve hid behind fear’s reasoning time and time again. I avoided being around people, but I’m being pulled here. I’m not 100% sure just yet…but why not? (Furious Ascent is super active right now )

[subliminalguy]

I need to share why I thought of Stark.

When I passed that neighbor and felt wrong about it, I instantly thought of things I’ve been thinking of lately. Specifically, it’s giving back to others. I am a really empathic person, and I’ve seen it’s value in relationships. In little memorable interactions. Phoenix highlights that in me.

And I’ve been hiding from that awareness. Emperor gives me an unconquerable inner strength…

But truthfully, I’ve been using it at times to push people away. I feel sad writing that.

A few days back I wrote to @Parsifal here, telling him I wanted a healthy relationship with a woman. And since that time I’ve wondered why I felt untruthful about that statement. What was I wanting?

I do want to connect with a woman. I don’t want a codependent setup where I’m selfishly expecting her to fill all of my needs. Nope, nope, nope. I’m not a leech.

I’m wanting to give back. Expecting people to love me and make life good for me is extremely selfish and … narcissistic (?) I’'d like to join the circle of life again (had to share that honestly). I’d like to give back with love, wisdom, self control, and hope.

I’ve been in a bubble too long. It’s time to peek out

[subliminalguy]

I’ve been looking at relationship building subs, and from what I’ve seen, Inner Circle seems fit for it.

What caught my attention was how it kept repeating the value of reciprocity, of giving in any relationship. That’s what I felt this morning during my walk. I want that. I need connections once again.

[subliminalguy]

Cycle 2
Day 1
Phoenix custom last night
Emperor this morning

I’m writing because I want connection.

I didn’t need to write when I woke up. I thought of a coworker and imagined the best. But work more and more feels like a constant fight to keep my front up.

I’m not okay with that. I’m just doubting my courage to make different choices. Old habits are easy.

Yeah. That’s what I’m feeling.

I did consider something I hadn’t before. I struggled with jumping straight to Inner Circle since Emperor gives me so much drive and tenacity. But I’ve had an Emperor custom built for weeks that I’ve not finished. I’ve had little reason to finish it. It is focused on building relationships. I’ve got the Essence module for socializing in it, pulled from IC.

But pairing it with the IC core might be the better idea.

To sum up what I’ve not stated but am feeling this morning, I keep looking back, seeking some easy, known way. That’s probably why I’m doubting myself in most areas. It’s that low-key sadness going on, trying to hold on to yesterday. It’s recon.

[subliminalguy]

Day 2

I’ve been experiencing something messy. Still feeling it happening. I’m losing my ability to hide from reality. That’s been my daily emotional lifeline.

I don’t like this.

But it’s forcing me to face some false beliefs I’d rather avoid. That’s happening steadily. Right now it’s the belief “I can’t handle this”.

Uncomfortable. Maybe not impossible.

These are childhood beliefs. This has been the framework I’ve used to handle life. Still facing stuff.

I’m seeing something desirable in this. I’m actually growing. I see bits and pieces of goodness beyond this. It’s happening. This is real.

[subliminalguy]

Day 7
Regeneration tonight
Chosen tomorrow morning
3 minute loops

I used DR Regeneration last Tuesday night, and I have switched fully onto it. Chosen’s my stacking sub, as I was nudged constantly toward it both before and during my first loops of Regeneration.

I haven’t wanted to write much, and I’ll post changes coming on. This is one of those posts.

We have a Jack Russell terrier in our house, an energetic and, if allowed, demanding little guy. In recent months when I felt used by people, I’ll projected onto him that he was just using me. I turned cold for a couple of days, minimizing contact with him. I’d be wrestling with my lack of relational boundaries, and I took it out on him.

I’ve had only 2 listens of Regeneration so far.

20 minutes ago I chose to go out on the living room couch to give him some attention. He bounded up, unaware of his weight, wishing to stand nearly on my chest so he could lick my face. And that’s when something clicked.

With people and some animals, I’ve been really reluctant to say no. I won’t dig for roots here.

But something suddenly made sense emotionally. I found myself pushing him down, and within seconds, I got up and returned to my room.

I felt TOGETHER internally, like suddenly things were making sense inside. Not a lot of “yes/no/should I have…” stuff going on. Guilt and easy access to painful feelings are usually there.

NOT TODAY. I really enjoyed this.

[subliminalguy]

Day 8
Chosen this morning

I’m feeling old pain.

I first realized about 20 minutes ago why Chosen helped me when I stacked it with DR2 years back.

I’ve been leaning on it’s development of courage. Yes, it helped tremendously.

But something clicked this morning. Chosen works on my identity, and my sense of self-worth. Specifically, it helped me feel like I was a good person. That’s golden.

Since I realized that this morning, I’ve had a flashback of old beliefs. Beliefs telling me I’m no good. I’ve not had much of this old recon since starting Regeneration.

The pain is difficult because I felt that heavily many years. Like it’s my foundation of who I’ve believed I am.