Day 9
3 minute loops of a Phoenix/LB custom
New Wanted stacked first week
1 listen of New GLM this week
I’ve been considering Chosen now as 2nd sub
I began my Phoenix/LB custom last week to change old negative life beliefs and thinking, and it’s working. Below are 2 clear signs that showed themself this week.
Monday morning of this week, after seeing little clear manifestations of change, something happened. I noticed my awareness was not clear, like a cloak was over my mind. And I’d just began my route, driving for my job.
I was leaving the gas station where I’d fueled up, and I was at a stop sign, waiting to pull onto the road. I looked both ways, saw it was clear, so I pulled out. But a guy on my left had turned the corner quickly and was heading my way. As planned, I turned left, noticing the driver was close to me.
But I didn’t care. My fear wasn’t running me. Something in me, some normal reaction, had been turned “off”. And here’s what was really different in ME.
I looked at this guy and considered that I’d done something wrong–and I kept looking at him (a 3 second span). He raised both arms quickly like “WTF!!!” That internal switch which normally make me feel SO responsible for other’s irritation and bad moods did NOT engage. I realized his mood didn’t own me. It didn’t even touch me.
That was crystal clear to me. It felt AWESOME.
My 2nd showing was today, and to my relief, it was LB. Midday, while driving, I felt attracted to shutting everyone out. It was noonish, so I pulled into a gas station to take lunch.
My feelings, a 3 out of 10 for stress, were a mix of “leave me alone” alongside…something I was afraid to put my finger on. I just wanted to shut my mind down. So I turned off the truck and headed toward the store.
This big black guy was coming out the store…and he treated me like I was a king or something. He looked at me wide-eyed and quickly opened the door, holding it open enthusiastically. My first thought was “what? Why?” I had been quietly kicking my own ass, and his CARING was loud to me.
It occurred to me that LB was blooming. I felt that internal hope rising quickly, and I cautiously welcomed it. And LB feels good–even though some battle had been going on. I reveled in it a few minutes. That’s when, like in prior subliminal experiences, I began considering writing here. I’ve had lots of anxiety when I thought I “should” write. But my normal thinking is being challenged. I don’t want to be the ultra-flexible “yes man” who gives anything to anyone just so I don’t have to face possible rejection. Because that’s led me ALL of my life.
I’m chose Phoenix to change me. To put light in my darkness.
That’s what I want.
NOTE: I’m concerned about something that’s sidelined me numerous times–a lack of attention and relationships in my life. I began this run using Wanted, but…I began reading my old Regeneration/Chosen journal and remembered this experience. I realized my thinking was much much clearer. I also used Chosen in my last DR run, and it really affected me positively.
Seriously, I’m feeling angry at myself feeling this fear tearing at me. It must be LB still blooming since I feel vulnerable and soft emotionally.
To clarify my Wanted anxiety: I’ve always associated romantic or sexual relationships with…not truly feeling my feelings. Not being me. Fake. Which is why I’ve had a single handful of girlfriends my whole life. LB is kicking up, so I’m feeling vulnerable. Maybe that calm recon on Wanted scared me away.
So I’m wondering. I’m finding myself seeking different answers and possibilities–which must be due to Phoenix. And Achilles’ Heel.
Do I want Wanted?
That’s major change for me. Fear and feelings rising, working something out. I desire to be wanted and desired–for who I am…yet recon is active. I won’t decide right now.
Edit: I just realized Phoenix is active. It’s challenging my templates in relationships. That’s been going on ALL DAY.
–I was going to listen to Phoenix tonight. I’m gonna wait until tomorrow so this recon can do it’s business.
