SubliminalGuy--A Continuing Journey

[subliminalguy]

Washout day 1
Emperor yesterday morning
Phoenix last night

I’m feeling hopeful, and that’s not something I usually pair with healing subs. Seriously, I listened last night, and part of me is craving more this morning. It’s been a long time since I last remember experiencing that, but it was on an early version of DR. I remember sharing it in my journal, and Saint telling me that following that desire could lead to bad recon.

I never followed the urge, and I don’t have plans to now. I just haven’t felt that pull from a sub in a very long time.

This admission comes since yes, I often equate healing subs with… kicking your own ass.

Phoenix is doing something unexpected in me.

[subliminalguy]

Washout day 2

Awarenesses showing themselves this morning.

I’m seeing a growing tension between old ways and new thinking. Yesterday I was getting frustrated by my GPS giving bad directions–and I saw the connection.

I was realizing I’m usually blocking and fearing change–and my GPS was a mirror of my own choices. Doing shit that intentionally doesn’t work. In a rageful mindset, I imagined tossing things that symbolized me fighting success… for a while. But enough grief surfaced.

Those imagined manifestations showed me that a deeper work is underway. I could throw shit out left and right.

But am I tending to the roots, what’s actually leading me to fuck things up daily?

And I’m actually questioning myself throughout this writing.

Am I really just defending myself fucking things up?

A part of me definitely has been. And that’s why there’s tension. Phoenix is at work, challenging this repeatedly. Consistently. I’m feeling waves of grief letting things go. This is changing me.

My biggest job? Allowing it.

Good washout so far.

[subliminalguy]

Still washout day 2

Something came to mind maybe 30 minutes ago. I’m on a 4 day weekend, taking paid time off, so I’ve been home all day. No outside challenges. But plenty of work going on internally. I’ve felt it, and I have looked for it all day.

About 30 minutes ago, partway through a movie, I stood up, and my mind woke up. In my head I heard and felt something I’ve never felt before. I quickly felt where I was at, I felt the adult part of me trying to be heard, but a wounded kid was, and is, still leading daily choices.

In my head I felt an adult part of me say, rather honestly, “what the hell are we doing here?” Like he could see all available choices, and he was frustrated with the choices I’ve made. I didn’t feel shamed. This was me, and he was certain to get me out of my mess.

My mess: figuratively and in real life.

If my outsides reflect my insides, I’ve been making intentional choices to remain in chaos. I’ve lived here at this place over a year, and it looks like I’m still moving in. Most of my stuff is still scattered in boxes and bins. Not a “restful” place. I just sleep (and hide) here.

Relationships: my brother, the one I was left by when I was younger, texted me last night. FACT: we only text during holidays and birthdays. And he contacted me during washout (really!!!) , to share a YT video which reminded him of a fight he pushed me into when I was maybe 10. I critiqued him (pushing him away) in my head. I didn’t reply…partly since I don’t want to lie emotionally to him. Or lie to myself. (I’m trying to numb my awareness of how I feel)—did I just say that? That’s how I’ve done with him all these years.

But my choice reflects old wounds I’ve been carrying: “don’t reach out, don’t respond…he’ll probably hurt me.”

That’s exactly how I treat others, male and female. I usually…keep my wall up. Lonely AF.

And taking risks at work: nada. Zilch. I’ve been employed by my company for 7 years, and I’m making no stretches to do more. A few people have asked me about it this past week, so I’ve been wondering what I’m doing. Or WHY I’m doing this.

REASON: In every choice, in every relationship, I’m still trying…(don’t want to share this…but I do)…I’m trying to not repeat or be reminded of old wounds. The ones I’ve been coddling and protecting all of my life.

I’m usually bsing, trying to look good. Look sharp. FACT: I don’t know what is happening, where I’m going, or who I’ll be. I think I’m in the middle of “letting go” of old beliefs.

This is opposite of how I normally live (“look good, look strong”, all that). No fucking clue what’s next. Presently, my “guard my awareness” filter isn’t working. It’s made up of fantasies and false realities as I look forward. Presently, it feels disabled.

[Parsifal]

So, did I get that right?
You moved out of this shared house with the old guy?
Was that during your time away from the forum?

And congrats to this massive development

[subliminalguy]

Yeah, you got that right. I moved out over a year back. I enjoyed the guy (from a distance) but him needing to control everything worked against me. I’m living with a former home health aid of his. He’d told me about the room being open one day, and I took it.

[subliminalguy]

Washout day 3

@Parsifal, I’d originally spit out all this extra information to your question. But that’s not what you asked about, so I separated it and am posting it below. I enjoy knowing what’s really on my mind. And I remembered my main goal for starting Phoenix.

---

Thinking of why I pulled off SC subs shortly after, I fell for the belief that I could make progress on my own (I credit Emperor for this). I was making my own subs, then met a guy using the same subliminal setup, and he had a strong passion for creating useful subs, selling them online. We worked together, and he used my feedback regularly to tweak his subs. It was a win win for both of us.

After months of using subs that definitely affected me, I realized I was boomeranging back to old emotional beliefs and limitations. I began sharing with him about experiences I had with SC healing subs in my last weeks of using his. I began reading my old journals here, and this stuck with me.

Why had I bailed?
What was I afraid of, especially when I read and reread of major shifts happening?

I believe my early DR shifts were what pulled me back. It was the belief that “I don’t have to live in this inner hell”. I just didn’t want to commit to so many months of “only healing”, which bothered me during those runs (plus I used to use subs to “hide” from my inner torment)

My months on Emperor helped finalize my choice. Being stable, feeling strong, and having exposure to Rebirth (advertised in older versions of Emperor), which really made life more palatable, helped me make the choice.

Using Phoenix now is a blessing for me. A good shock after years of being afraid to make progress. Emperor is my constant companion, reminding me that I have a life, so I’m not lost in “only healing”.

I’m thinking long-term, and I did this during my previous Emperor run. I’m wanting a healthy relationship. I haven’t had one in years–and this is an actual need. LB in my Phoenix custom is rebuilding me there along with numerous relational modules. (Makes me realize I can “go out” today. What a concept )

So, my main goal for growing with Phoenix and Emperor is to have healthy relationships. I can safely say that’s what this is all about.

[subliminalguy]

Washout day 4

I got out and took a long walk. Truths popped up.

• I first began walking close to a park I used to frequent with my wife and daughter. I noticed me…not seeking people’s eyes and attention. This made me aware of something bigger.

• I realized I’ve felt powerless and frustrated with ME since I usually automatically fall in line with what others want. I’m not kidding. I seek acceptance (not being rejected) so I cave instantly. This is huge to me.

• This is also…mainly…no, ENTIRELY why I don’t want to go out. For example, if I’m out with 3 people, I’m watching all of them, looking for the leader, and following what’s most accepted. It’s a damn stretch making everyone happy with me. I don’t feel proud of myself AT ALL. Many, many times I’d leave a crowd after doing well…but feel flipping powerless…dishonest…and weak AF. A chameleon. I’d feel like shit since…who the fuck am I? Hiding from such encounters has been a constant for me the last decade.

• I saw families, and I remembered being with my wife. Phoenix changed something in me because I felt this…disgust. Sheer disgust thinking of my old norm. I’d switch moods and personalities to appease her. Pure survival tactics for me

• And BOOM!!! I saw why I am (not was) making myself miserable. (Tears now)

I’ll be alone, not needing to change and put on a mask. Then I’ll go out (work, shopping, anything) and I’ll bury ME so I am loved/liked by YOU.

I did this with my wife…and anybody really. I do this every day…and I blame YOU!!

I didn’t want to be responsible…not truthful there…I don’t want to be responsible for it. Because if I was wrong, I’d be merciless to myself. So it’s been YOU…YOU…AND YOUR FAULT TOO! Separating myself from responsibility in my head constantly.

That’s what I’m doing.

Phoenix is quite literally burning shit up.

[subliminalguy]

Washout day 5
Phoenix tonight

I’m smiling. What the hell is happening to me? I’m letting go of old identities.

This is exciting…and I’m still actively “letting go”.

I took another long walk this morning, completely unaware of what I might experience, but I wanted to find out. (Furious Ascent really showed itself this morning. Steady little prompts to take small risks)

My first and biggest prompting came 3 minutes into my walk. I saw a guy outside his house down the street, and I felt this masculine urge to support him, to be there for him if he needed it, since I picked up he was possibly chewing on something. (Phoenix’s been tearing down old beliefs). I said hello while I walked by, sensing he wanted a little interaction. But I didn’t look back. I didn’t, and I know now I was doing the main thing I’ve done to keep myself safe: stay away.

But it bothered me. Not from a hurt kid’s perspective. I saw myself as a competent adult. And I’d cut him off by closing down any further interaction.

I followed my thoughts and feelings. I didn’t want to perpetually create pain–for me. I’d done this many, many times in life, to be “safe”. I remembered being on Stark, being uncharacteristically social with others. And I wondered…should I trade out Emperor for Stark? I brewed on it.

This is exactly what Furious Ascent is prompting me with.
What am I afraid of?
Rather, what am I afraid of experiencing? Or letting go?

This shift, this letting go of old beliefs, is exciting…since I’m actually looking into things I’ve spent so much energy avoiding. I’m opening the door, and I’m not used to that.

But Stark, along with this Phoenix clearing and healing of old beliefs, sounds very exciting.

Fact: I’ve hid behind fear’s reasoning time and time again. I avoided being around people, but I’m being pulled here. I’m not 100% sure just yet…but why not? (Furious Ascent is super active right now )

[subliminalguy]

I need to share why I thought of Stark.

When I passed that neighbor and felt wrong about it, I instantly thought of things I’ve been thinking of lately. Specifically, it’s giving back to others. I am a really empathic person, and I’ve seen it’s value in relationships. In little memorable interactions. Phoenix highlights that in me.

And I’ve been hiding from that awareness. Emperor gives me an unconquerable inner strength…

But truthfully, I’ve been using it at times to push people away. I feel sad writing that.

A few days back I wrote to @Parsifal here, telling him I wanted a healthy relationship with a woman. And since that time I’ve wondered why I felt untruthful about that statement. What was I wanting?

I do want to connect with a woman. I don’t want a codependent setup where I’m selfishly expecting her to fill all of my needs. Nope, nope, nope. I’m not a leech.

I’m wanting to give back. Expecting people to love me and make life good for me is extremely selfish and … narcissistic (?) I’'d like to join the circle of life again (had to share that honestly). I’d like to give back with love, wisdom, self control, and hope.

I’ve been in a bubble too long. It’s time to peek out

[subliminalguy]

I’ve been looking at relationship building subs, and from what I’ve seen, Inner Circle seems fit for it.

What caught my attention was how it kept repeating the value of reciprocity, of giving in any relationship. That’s what I felt this morning during my walk. I want that. I need connections once again.

[subliminalguy]

Cycle 2
Day 1
Phoenix custom last night
Emperor this morning

I’m writing because I want connection.

I didn’t need to write when I woke up. I thought of a coworker and imagined the best. But work more and more feels like a constant fight to keep my front up.

I’m not okay with that. I’m just doubting my courage to make different choices. Old habits are easy.

Yeah. That’s what I’m feeling.

I did consider something I hadn’t before. I struggled with jumping straight to Inner Circle since Emperor gives me so much drive and tenacity. But I’ve had an Emperor custom built for weeks that I’ve not finished. I’ve had little reason to finish it. It is focused on building relationships. I’ve got the Essence module for socializing in it, pulled from IC.

But pairing it with the IC core might be the better idea.

To sum up what I’ve not stated but am feeling this morning, I keep looking back, seeking some easy, known way. That’s probably why I’m doubting myself in most areas. It’s that low-key sadness going on, trying to hold on to yesterday. It’s recon.

[subliminalguy]

Day 2

I’ve been experiencing something messy. Still feeling it happening. I’m losing my ability to hide from reality. That’s been my daily emotional lifeline.

I don’t like this.

But it’s forcing me to face some false beliefs I’d rather avoid. That’s happening steadily. Right now it’s the belief “I can’t handle this”.

Uncomfortable. Maybe not impossible.

These are childhood beliefs. This has been the framework I’ve used to handle life. Still facing stuff.

I’m seeing something desirable in this. I’m actually growing. I see bits and pieces of goodness beyond this. It’s happening. This is real.

[subliminalguy]

Day 7
Regeneration tonight
Chosen tomorrow morning
3 minute loops

I used DR Regeneration last Tuesday night, and I have switched fully onto it. Chosen’s my stacking sub, as I was nudged constantly toward it both before and during my first loops of Regeneration.

I haven’t wanted to write much, and I’ll post changes coming on. This is one of those posts.

We have a Jack Russell terrier in our house, an energetic and, if allowed, demanding little guy. In recent months when I felt used by people, I’ll projected onto him that he was just using me. I turned cold for a couple of days, minimizing contact with him. I’d be wrestling with my lack of relational boundaries, and I took it out on him.

I’ve had only 2 listens of Regeneration so far.

20 minutes ago I chose to go out on the living room couch to give him some attention. He bounded up, unaware of his weight, wishing to stand nearly on my chest so he could lick my face. And that’s when something clicked.

With people and some animals, I’ve been really reluctant to say no. I won’t dig for roots here.

But something suddenly made sense emotionally. I found myself pushing him down, and within seconds, I got up and returned to my room.

I felt TOGETHER internally, like suddenly things were making sense inside. Not a lot of “yes/no/should I have…” stuff going on. Guilt and easy access to painful feelings are usually there.

NOT TODAY. I really enjoyed this.

[subliminalguy]

Day 8
Chosen this morning

I’m feeling old pain.

I first realized about 20 minutes ago why Chosen helped me when I stacked it with DR2 years back.

I’ve been leaning on it’s development of courage. Yes, it helped tremendously.

But something clicked this morning. Chosen works on my identity, and my sense of self-worth. Specifically, it helped me feel like I was a good person. That’s golden.

Since I realized that this morning, I’ve had a flashback of old beliefs. Beliefs telling me I’m no good. I’ve not had much of this old recon since starting Regeneration.

The pain is difficult because I felt that heavily many years. Like it’s my foundation of who I’ve believed I am.

[subliminalguy]

Day 9
Evening now; I just listened to Regeneration.

Regeneration’s been pretty active in me today. I’m going to stay on point though, as I want to share something. I thought of this just moments ago.

Regeneration was my 2nd healing sub at SC, having purchased version one. And not until 2 years back did I spend focused time on it. I bring this up since one day, maybe 2-3 weeks in, it hit me powerfully, while at work, of all places.

I know DR Regeneration is completely different from earlier versions, but I am picking up one thing which, due to my experience 2 years ago, I really, really hope something happens like that.

Why would I want that? For a very simple reason. The original Regeneration, unlike many of its SC brothers, was the most DIRECT instrument for healing. Today, I’ve been noticing it working on roots of my avoidance, shown this morning when I couldn’t find my normal reasons and habitual excuses to “not” (fill in the blank. It would be ANYTHING I know I have to face or do).

And direct meant it went straight to the root. Recalling that healing experience 2 years back, I was on the back of a garbage truck, noticing my thoughts changing…and hoping hoping hoping it’d finally hit paydirt. I just hadn’t really expected what happened.

I literally heard my inner child begging for forgiveness—and he was asking ME. He felt so responsible for something…and I completely felt him pleading and crying. I’d never been so aware of the inner boy inside.

That was 2 years ago on the old Regeneration.

@SaintSovereign, even with all the new healing scripting in DR Regeneration, is it still the most direct healing subliminal? It’s approach is different by far. But this tickling of my mood and memories seems similar to the old Regeneration.

[subliminalguy]

Day 10
Regeneration last night

I’m going to pass on Chosen this morning. Regeneration’s stirring me up emotionally, so I don’t want to overload myself.

From past experiences, it feels like something may give today.