Struggling with assertiveness


#1

This has been bugging me for a hot minute and would like your thoughts.

What would be the best course of action for someone who lacks assertiveness?

For as long as I’ve been on Khan, I still have trouble standing up for myself and possibly putting someone in their place if they overstep their mark. Currently it feels unsafe to do so (past childhood violence, embarrassment, verbal abuse, nice guy etc).
I hope not to abuse these skills, but It’s important as a developing Khan to stand your ground sometimes when faced with some people.

What could I add to Khan to make this a reality?


#2

Just to get the ball rolling.

There’s a concept known as SMART planning. When creating a workable action plan, one should come up with steps that are Specific, Measurable, Attainable or Actionable, Realistic, Time-based.

That’s just apropos of planning actions in general. You want to break a large goal down into steps that are right at the border between easy and challenging.

So you create a hierarchy of difficulty, 10 at the top down to 1 at the bottom.

Next to 10, you might put: standing my ground and actively pushing for my position in the face of a large group of dominant people in an unstructured situation. That’s probably as tough as it gets.

Then at 9, something slightly less challenging.

All the way down to 1, an act of assertiveness that feels easy and comfortable for you. Walking your dog, maybe? Or ordering your food from a friendly waiter in a restaurant. Something like that.

Then you push yourself to work out with actions at about level 3 or level 2 difficulty. As you practice, you’ll get better at it and what used to be level 5 will become a level 4 or level 3 difficulty.

Just like weight-training, don’t lift at your max. Workout at between 30% and 70% of your 1-rep max, to avoid injury and discouraging setbacks.

This is one approach to systematically attack it. There are other ways too.


#3

I was thinking maybe the longer you get repeated exposure of khan st4 and as the days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months etc st4 will up your dominance level and make your skin very thick. Only time can tell about khan st4 though. As a person who has a fear of conflict and confrontation especially in the work setting your struggles about these issues really resonate with me. Due to these issues I been learning about frame control and stoicism to handle these issues but I gotta admit I haven’t put enough time into practicing both and learning about them on a deeper level for change to happen.
Also isn’t legacy supposed to boost mental strength ?? Maybe run a loop or two before you go into these environments so you can mentally prepare yourself for what could come through out the day


#4

From my personal experience, assertiveness is basically recognizing first and foremost that no matter what, no one has the right to treat you as less than human. In order to actually assert that fact however, you have to decide that your worth comes from within, not from anyone or anything outside of you. Even before I found out about subliminals, these realizations helped me greatly but of course subs made me naturally more assertive with time.

The most simple way to start actually getting better at being assertive is to actually START being assertive. It’s a misconception that assertiveness is only a behavior you exhibit when you’re met with confrontation but that’s incorrect. You could simply start “thinking out loud” more in conversations and practice letting your opinion be heard, and standing behind that opinion. If you want or need something then open your mouth and ask for it. I know for a fact that if you simply state your needs and wants and opinions to people directly and confidently (without being aggressive and disrespectful) then no one is going to lash out at you physically or even verbally, unless they’re insane. Even then you must realize that most ppl aren’t raised to be assertive so even if you display slightly more dominance than them, in a positive manner, you’ll send signals of being worthy of respect. There’s much more to it than that but those are the basics from my perspective (see how I asserted myself there lol). If you ever want to know more than feel free to PM me.


Finding my True North
#5

I was never someone assertive and the reason why is because I was trying not to upset anyone, specially when you have to tell a hard truth that you consider as truth.

Who are you to believe that?
A good trick to start asserting yourself is to see the other person who is stepping over your boundry as an ennemy. When that person is your friend, brother or whatever, they will surely turn it as a joke, bring back the “friendly frame”… hold the ennemy frame, don’t laugh, don’t agree with them…

“Oh I was just kidding!! hahaha, loosen up”
“No men, that’s not funny.” (make sure to get a super strong eye contact and a serious face)
“Ohhhh come onnnnn, don’t be such a…”
“No. Stop being an asshole”
“blah blah blah”
-Repeat your point at the end to close the argument. End of discussion.

You don’t necessairly need to say it like this, but sometime when people don’t consider you they need a little “hit” to realise “oh shit, he’s being serious”. It’s basically a frame battle.

Ennemy frame : How would you act if it was clear in their head that you what to hurt the other person and the other person want to hurt you? Would you stand for yourself or would you let yourself be beaten up? We are both ennemy of each others.

This was my frame when starting out, it’s absolutely not the best frame because it create a lot of tension in relationships and you might look like you are getting worked up over nothing hahahaha


#6

Thanks guys for your great advice, duly noted and it’s my main Khan goal for 2020

Yep, chunking the task will be useful with future stages. Journaling would help.

@Grimm1390 Khan ST3 has been throwing up situations where standing up for oneself is a must. Didn’t expect those manifestation modules to be extremely challenging.

Decent advice @WhiteTiger, it’s all about the frame. The dominance is there, just not the force behind defending oneself.


#7

To be honest whenever i read the description for Khan st3 and it says how “And finally, you will be manifesting situations that will cause the most growth, similar to Emperor, so you must be ready to face the challenges that come”
I always gloss over that. Reading your struggles remind me that st3 wont be easy at all especially for us who struggle with assertiveness and conflict etc


#8

I also glossed over that part, didn’t take it seriously enough. Thought it would be challenges that weren’t so severe…

Khan Academy is tough.


#9

Okey. My few coins.

First of all, make sure you don’t have guilt and shame behind your lack of assertiveness. But I bet you have them.

Shame & Guilt emotions commands us to give up our boundaries and set us for mediocrity. You will never assert yourself if you have those emotions running your psyche hardware.

subliminals will help you to assert yourself ONLY if you allow yourself to let go of those emotions and events that power them.

Practical: take this information as an intention and add Regeneration as it heals masculine part.


#10

Is there anxiety present? That can be one of the biggest barriers to assertiveness. Check out regeneration perhaps that may help. Before I got into subliminals I used an assertiveness hypnosis by Lloyd glauberman which gave me some good results. I know Ascension works good for me with that. It puts me in a state that’s ideal for that. I want to confront challenges and take care of things on Ascension even moreso than emperor for me. Hopefully the path becomes easy for you.


#11

HPP CD’s are awesome. One of my first self development products I used and forgot all about them. I’m going to go through my collection and start listening again. I wish I’d kept up listening to them daily, oh well.


#12

A lot of it comes with a strong sense of self-esteem. A sense of who you are, what you believe in and what you stand for. Once you realize you are indeed worthy and deserving, you’ll start to block people that oppose that from your life because they give off a negative vibe when they are near. You’ll also start getting feedback from yourself whenever you don’t stand up for yourself.

Also realize that you can’t be friends with everybody. Doesn’t mean they have to be an enemy, but some people just happen to clash with your values and sense of self.

Professionally, it helps if you have a job where you have to say “no” to people, when you have good time management so you know when you are simply unable to say “yes” and if you learn how to create win-win situations.

Reading last Friday’s marketing email, I’d venture a guess which product would help you here…
(I’m actually quite enthused about this one, dunno why but I may add it to my stack next month.)

I agree I loved those HPP tracks. They are meant to help you drift off in trying to follow the stories. I actually wanted to get them all at the time just to get all the stories. Don’t know if they help in any way, but I do love listening to them. Only recently got back to them.


#13

Bingo! Hit the nail on the head.
Huge amounts of shame? Check
Guilty feelings? Check
A life of mediocrity? Check

I have huge amounts of shame and guilt from way back. How dare you have wants, needs? Don’t be so loud, what about the neighbours, what will they think? Thought I got rid of it all from Khan ST1… isn’t it stronger than Regeneration?

@DarkPhilosopher again, nail on head. Always envied that other people had such self-esteem and sense of self that it seemed like a basic trait to them, but impossible to have for me.
What did the marketing email say about Power Can Corrupt?

Thanks once again for your on target replies. This was very hard to admit out loud.


#14

DarkPhilosopher is correct on the self esteem. Also, don’t be too concerned with what others will think. Think of the last time you thought about a shy, quiet, unassertive friend. That’s right. You don’t even remember when you last thought of him. People are not thinking of you, unless you are assertive. If you’re assertive you might get people who disagree with some of the things you say but that’s ok.

Who are your male role models? And can you find a new one, maybe on YouTube so you can watch him?
Do you lift weights? If not, then get after it.
Look at your dressing. Do you look like an ass?
Think about what you’re listening: Khan. It’s fucking Genghis Khan the conqueror, man.

All these things will help you with your self-worth.


#15

You didn’t read the email? Shame on you! :slight_smile:

Similar to what I said. Be a leader, win in negotiations, get control over your relationships with other people (professional and romantic), know what to say and how to respond. Know when not to say anything. You know how marketing is. Usually it’s based on truth though, even if it does exaggerate a bit.

The 48 laws is very much about these qualities. They train you to respond in a certain way in situations involving other people. Once they become second nature, whenever someone tries to take advantage, you’ll automatically turn it around on them and end up in charge of the situation. Like mental muscle memory. Which is exactly what subs are good at creating.

In many cases, you’ll be able to turn the tables on people trying to take advantage of you without causing any harm. They might even respect you for it. And the more you do it, the more it confirms your sense of self-esteem, making it stronger.

I had to learn this the hard way and it took a long time. So if the subliminal does what it says and helps you not only learn but also apply the laws in real life, I’m game.

Go ahead and read this summary of the laws. Takes about 15-20 minutes. Think about practical situations where they could have helped you to stay in control of the situation. I can think of several for most laws. You may notice the “noble” pick-up arts apply quite a few of them to succeed in closing the girl. Others do better at work.

And then go back to the product page and buy it now!

This post brought to you by DarkPhilosopher’s marketing engine. My name is DarkPhilosopher and I approve of this message. :wink:


#16

Secure attachment goes a long way too.

In an ideal life, in the first few years of life we are emotionally supported by empathic, responsive, non manipulative caregivers. We are facilitated to have an experiential baseline sense of ourselves and our intrinsic value. We take off from that runway into a life of independence, creativity, and personal power.

But you know. This is Earth. Things go left.

We end up with a confused sense that something is wrong. We need something but we’re not sure what.

We seek out healing experiences and resources. And we end up making some f***ing heroic efforts. Some help, others not so much.


#17

Just keep putting yourself into situations that require you to be assertive and Khan will evolve you more rapidly. It may not happen overnight but give it a few months.


#18

@Shogun tell you what, there’s no better assertive role model outthere than Gordon Ramsay. Disregard the f-ing and bleeping, there’s someone who could put a disrespectful person in their place. Helps if you’re a black belt too…
Lifting, already doing it, dressing, already GQ-bound. :+1:

@DarkPhilosopher come get your affiliate cash here :smile: Sold.

@Malkuth sadly cannot keep grasping into what life should have been. But Sub Club is here.


#19

That’s great!


#20

What r these HPP tracks that r being spoken about, any links to help find out more
@DarkPhilosopher @ABC333