Finding my True North

Journals - Major Programs
#229

Khan
Total Action
Day 10

Been put on table cleaning duty, essentially demoted. Yesterday absolutely smashed it on the bar. Getting complete assholes as customers. Not happy.

Todays numerology number:
16:16.16 on the clock.

Gentle reminder:
Never rely on other people for my self-esteem. Other people aren’t responsible for my self esteem. I must develop and guard my own against people who want to cut me down.

The definition of alpha?
People think alpha is some kind of an act, people “pretending” to be alpha. I’m not pretending. After today, I’m also not playing either. Everywhere I go, there’s some dickhead who has a problem with me.
Since I keep getting bullshit from the outside, it’s now time to reinforce the inside.

Today is the day that I learned the art of not giving a single fuck.

Walking down the road without a single fuck to give, yes I still got hated and feared upon, but guess what? I don’t give a fuck. No matter what I do to mitigate someone’s bad opinion of me, someone doesn’t like it. So now? I don’t give a fuck.
Some might regard this as a negative bad boy trait - maybe…

I’m also stopping with picking up chicks. Since I can rely on ST3 attraction and manifestation, I’m not hoping for, nor chasing down any woman. She’s gotta prove that she’s worth my time, otherwise I’m perfectly capable with my right hand. I’m good by myself.

(Ironically, a very attractive girl was my immediate manager, a colleague got very friendly on my break and a blonde just raised her feet at me on the train home).

6 Likes
#230

1 x ST1 refresh

Yesterday was the most I’ve felt emotionally exposed - people cursing and being rude take a toll on the soul - and the closest I’ve come to hiding away from the outside. Doing a bitch job when you’re talented elsewhere is tough to bear whilst others aim arrows at me.

On the flip side I learned how to keep my head up high and disregard negative opinions of me. I might be wounded but I’m not going anywhere soon, so you’d better deal with it.

4 Likes
#231

Was the emotional feeling after the loop of ST1, or did u listen to ST1 after feeling so?

2 Likes
#232

@mecharc played ST1 after having that crappy feeling and having some terrifying dreams. One dream where I took a pen and sliced my eye lens open. :mask:

Edit: played ST1 for a few hours

1 Like
#233

Khan
Total Action
Day 12

Terrifying, horror style dreams meant that something important was processed as I now have an attitude of “I deserve to be here on planet earth, NOBODY has a right to treat me like a piece of dog shit, I will prioritize my opinion of myself over everybody else positive or negative”

IT IS SAFE to disregard negative opinions of others, because I have the choice to do it.

I felt that tough work environment was brought to me via ST3 to face my deep fear of others strong disapproval and abuse.

3 Likes
#234

Khan
Total Action
Day 13

Added ST1 to my stack until the deep Shadow work is done. Like @Grimm1390 said, Total Action is about manifesting Emperor style growth, unfortunately it is manifesting my deepest, primal fears in my face.
The breakthrough is being free to be and speak on my own opinions, because they do count - even though no one else agrees.

In other stuff, saw that gym girl again who I opened a while back catching a look at me whilst I was doing squats, I did vice versa. After I left for the dumbbell rack, she followed. I suspect she already has a boyfriend, but still. Thighs that could break coconuts…

4 Likes
#235

You wont know if she has a bf unless you talk to her and she tells you and even if she says she has one, a bf means nothing to these women today

4 Likes
#236

It is a shame I just started reading your journal. Very very inspirational, thank you for sharing!

3 Likes
#237

@Grimm1390 hypergamy? Sure! Let’s see…

@anon3072973 cheers. This has been a very tough journey so far, I’m going it’ll be worth it.

1 Like
#238

Haha if shes willing to mess with you but has a bf beware of those girls. If shes willing to cheat you know what type of women these are and they are not relationship type girl’s. I would never get into a relationship with these women if they are willing to cheat. that means they would be okay with cheating on you down the road.

4 Likes
#239

@Grimm1390 The fact that she might have a dude already doesn’t actually bother me, as I’m not looking for long term relationship anyway. Plus the Khan marketing email said , “become “uncheatable” on”. :sweat_smile:

1 Like
#240

Khan
Total Action
Day 14

Getting more in touch with what I want out of a situation - the small things like “where shall we have a hot drink today” and avoiding people and places that I know isn’t good for me. Too often I’ve gone back or said yes because I never realised that I could choose something else! Or that I deserve better. Sometimes I would fall prey to being cheaply manipulated.

Enter Power Can Corrupt, as recommended by @DarkPhilosopher.

@SaintSovereign said something profound in relation to the trauma healing process:

Power Can Corrupt will make sure that nobody can ever humiliate, manipulate and take advantage of me ever again, Time to pick up my sword and start using it.

4 Likes
#241

If you don’t mind, do you mind sharing your progress on your goals?

1 Like
#242

My only goal is to be more of my Khan self. That means being more masculine, stronger, assertive, taking care of myself first and free of manipulation.

I’ve taken a an emotional beating the past few years, so this is the most important goal for me. Life basically dictated that I sort this out first.

Specifics like money, dating and sex are bonuses. They will definitely be coming in 2020, so more to come.

3 Likes
#243

So, I’m assuming you are taking down one goal at a time. Do you plan to start EOG and QL at a later time too?

2 Likes
#244

No. Khan ST4 throughout 2020 with Power Can Corrupt and possibly Regeneration until I feel like a complete badass.

2 Likes
#245

Whats your reason behind adding regeneration?

1 Like
#246

Healing narcissistic abuse trauma from early childhood. It’s interfering with me standing up for myself and going independent.

4 Likes
#247

I’m glad you are on this journey to change!

2 Likes
#248

Khan
Total Action
Day 15

Power Can Corrupt for one loop works absolute wonders, along with the push of ST3. First thing felt was a sense of relief- I can finally find “me” as a distinct entity separate from others, with my own wants, needs and desires and it’s ok to have them!

Power Can Corrupt is revealing to me that EVERYONE has a personal agenda, no matter how benign it is - it’s whether you let them take from you whatever they want, or recognise what they’re doing and redress the balance somewhat.
It’s not as miserable and clinical as it sounds though, charisma and charm can get you very far indeed with this Machiavellian knowledge, so do use it wisely.

ST3 is manifesting my own personal growth, rather than women. Now I just am my free, confident self, really don’t care now about getting validation looks and stares from them anymore because I’ve got me.

@mecharc cheers!

9 Likes