StarkQ and Ultimate Artist

Journals - Major Programs
#102

Had a bunch of coffee today. Gonna regret this later, I’m sure of it. Seems like the only way I can really focus nowadays at work is caffeinating myself. Keeps me going when it feels like the problems are mind numbingly boring. This is just further proof I’m in the wrong area for myself. My brain isn’t meant for this routine. It needs to explore, create, express. Don’t know why I always beat myself up about it. Is music practical? Not really, but I don’t care. You know what also isn’t practical? Sitting for 8 hours a day doing busy work that makes someone else money.

Blah. Gotta detach from this influence that hangs on me still. The one that makes me compare how I live my life to others and feel like I’m doing something wrong.

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#103

Quit the coffee cold turkey starting yesterday. It was only a cup a day, but goddamn do I feel like shit. I’m gonna guess I was frying my nervous system with it, but the constant consumption masked it. Now I’m feeling it 100% and need to wait for my body to reach equilibrium again.

Massive depression hitting me now. Looking at my output for my music and disappointed that I’m not finishing stuff enough. Doubts about how I’m gonna live my life in a way that doesn’t just feel like a massive grind. Gone from I can do this to I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing or if I’ll ever find what I’m looking for in life.

Looking at this now, I think I was using coffee as a mask because I didn’t want to deal with what’s being brought up. I don’t know what the recommendations are for these subs, but in my case I think the caffeine might have been a form of reconciliation for me.

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#104

Had an urge to read a book I never finished. The following quote stuck out to me.

Without a concrete vision of where you want your life to go, it becomes much harder to rip yourself away from your existing lifestyle, confront fear and insecurity and emerge from your cocoon.

If that ain’t the truth I don’t know what is. So I need to work more on solidifying a plan for myself. It’s probably more that I’m afraid than not knowing what to do with my life. It’s the lack of commitment to something.

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#105

Man what a rough day. At one point I was pretty much lying on the ground just feeling paralyzed by everything. Don’t know if it’s the caffeine withdrawal, I’m thinking it might be. But if you’ve ever had a moment where it feels like your body can’t take anymore and your mind still feels like it has to do shit, that’s where I was at. Had to take about an hour and just really focus on calming my body down. Feels like the sub influence was hitting my mind to get stuff done, but my body was unresponsive.

During that relaxation session I was thinking about how I’ve been gearing up to face the assholes of the world. And I was getting super angry about people in authority who disrespected me in the past and how I took all of it. Came to realize I basically have a stamp on my head that says “please manipulate me”. Do I have a right to get angry at these people? Yes. But more importantly I do this to myself by not standing up for myself. I thought of Neville Goddard’s statement “everyone is you pushed out”. Basically the way people respond or treat you is a direct reflection of yourself. So if you find yourself attracting manipulators or people that disrespect you, on some level you expect that to happen to you and people gravitate to that like a moth to a flame.

The goal now is to break that subconscious association with being a target or expecting that from people. This has been a lifelong pattern for me. Starting when I was a kid and got asked why I was so quiet with people judging my character. My identity has been the one where I consistently get shit on and questioned by other people. Not gonna live with that anymore. Not gonna subconsciously think I deserve that or that it’s to be expected in my life.

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#106

Taking today off as well. I’ve been thinking about why it’s so hard for me to stay committed to a goal. Every loa or manifesting guide says to visualize and feel what you want, feel happy for it or good about it. I think I have some serious blocks because I can’t even get to that step. Whenever I try to visualize something good for myself, there’s this feeling of undeservingness that pushes it back. I actually feel worse attempting to feel good things.

I can’t tell sometimes if I’m just stuck in a spiral of negativity or if I need to pass through this stuff and get to a point where I don’t even think about it. To put it more simply, am I not trying hard enough to change this? Or is this part of the process and I have to ride it out? One of my biggest issues throughout life when I went through self help hell and read tons of books, nothing ever worked for me. Meditating and mindfulness was about it, but even that had its limits. So it gets to a point where I think to myself “seriously what the fuck am I doing wrong that everyone else is turning their lives around with this stuff and I still have issues”. Annoying all around.

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#107

So I’m feeling like I’m gonna need tomorrow off as well. Idk, I kind of want to see how long it takes for my mind to feel ready to listen to my stack again. Thinking maybe I’ll drop ultimate artist from my stack for now. Q has been hard for me to calibrate to, something just feels off about it for me, looking at it now I’m actually doing the reverse of what I should be doing at times. And it feels like I’m dragging around a boulder and just having trouble getting stuff done in general.

@SaintSovereign got a question for you if you’re around to answer. If I drop UA, would starkQ be enough to cover the music stuff for myself? I originally combined these for a synergistic effect, but I’m beginning to suspect it might be too much for me to handle. I’m not sure how heavy aegis is either, but I’m keeping that around regardless. I’m doing every other day with my loops and once each, so I’m not going particularly heavy here. Any thoughts?

#108

Stark CAN handle it, but UA is much more focused on that goal. It’d be best if you can somehow get them to work together. Try running StarkQ three days a week and UA on the other three days.

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#109

Gotcha. Thanks for the help. I’ll give that a shot.

#110

Gonna be running super lean from here on out. Only going to run rebirthQ one day a week. Going to run starkQ 3 days a week 1 loop and the other 3 for UA. Aegis will get played 6 days a week. Then one rest day. I’ll also be spacing out the loops per day. I don’t have an exact time frame, I’m just going to go by feel.

The plan is to reduce reconciliation and increase action. I’m hoping by reducing the load I’ll have more energy to commit to things. I’m starting to think that the stress of my situation and life in general contributes to a sort of bottleneck with how much info I can take in and use.

Still haven’t determined if it’s overload from too much processing or I’m being pushed to do things that I feel I can’t do and it causes me to feel paralyzed.

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#111

Kind of hard to tell what’s the reduced exposure vs me getting off coffee. Probably a combo of both. I have noticed a general decrease in anxiety. Like less “the sky is falling” feelings. Is my life where I want it to be? No. Am I worried about the future? Yeah. But I’m realizing these fears of completely messing up, ending up homeless, or stuck in a wage slave type job are all things I’d have to let happen to me.

I think I do have high standards for myself sometimes and it blinds me to the world we live in. What I mean by that is there aren’t a lot of consequences to not reaching some high standard. For as long as I can remember I’ve always felt like something terrible would happen if I fell below anything less than perfect. What’s funny is that it basically crippled me to the point where I didn’t try anything unless I was sure I’d have some basic competency at it. Music production was the one thing I really pushed myself with. Along with that I guess I had this insecurity of needing to be good at everything. Any type of skill or hobby I picked up I’d tell myself I needed to be good at it.

Even my job, I find myself comparing myself to top level senior guys. Thinking to myself, fuck I still have so much to learn. But I stop and ask myself. Do I want to even learn any of that? And is it a path I want my life to go down? I’d say no. There’s no inherent desire to learn except one born out of an insecurity of being good enough. So in that respect, I’m not exercising free will if I’m making decisions based on insecurities or fears.

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#112

So had my most interesting reconciliation yet. I solved an issue at work which my boss noticed and commended me on. This got me thinking about my overall career in IT and maybe I didn’t hate it so much. I thought to myself, maybe I should focus on that more. Dedicate more of my free time to building my skill set and hold off on the music for a bit Get a good job, make money, and then work on the music on the side. That quickly spiraled into "yeah it’s not all that realistic to make a living off music, I only want to make music for myself anyway, the money doesn’t matter, and so on.

What’s interesting is that today was my first day of UA for the week. StarkQ was three days in a row. A little bit too coincidental that the day I run it and I start thinking about safer options or more “realistic” goals. This felt like me standing directly between belief sets. One where I follow the safe route, the one everyone’s done, the one that seems more “realistic”, and that security comes first vs going after what I really want. Running through the same old excuses of “maybe I don’t really want that and it won’t make me happy”. The other one is where I put my full intention on what I want, yeah I may have to put in the time at a job so I can support myself, but the vision isn’t on building safety. It’s firmly focused on the goal overall. On a reality most people don’t think is achievable. Probably would consider me delusional or naive. It’s that type of influence that landed me into trouble in the first place because it would prevent me from fully committing.

I have to completely purge this stuff, it’s what’s holding me back the most. I need to stop looking to others for approval or reassurance with how to live my own life.

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#113

Had some awesome success with UA yesterday. It was about 9pm and I was thinking about turning in for the night. But I decided to sit down at my daw and just work on a track I’ve been stuck on. I noticed when my chords weren’t working, so I just shuffled around notes. I definitely felt an intuitive knowing for where the notes should go. Hard to explain, but I wasn’t thinking about it or what sounded good, it’s like I knew.

I ended up gutting a lot of the track. I noticed how before I’d be too afraid of starting from scratch but I said whatever this time and just trusted I had good ideas.

I’m gonna re-evaluate what I did today, but it felt like I finally finished this track. I’ve been sitting on this thing for months now and constantly had anxiety about finishing it.

Overall I’m starting to overcome a lot of these blocks like perfectionism and fear of the track being crap. I finally realized how badly I was blocking my intuition and creative judgement by being too focused on getting things “right”. Took me till now to realize I didn’t have writer’s block in a lack of ideas, but moreso I just shot them down too early and didn’t try enough of them. Just have to let go, create, and then refine. Staying in the creative headspace is key, the analytical stuff comes later.

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#114

Track was a little rough when I came back to it today, but that’s alright. I went a little overboard on some stuff. Funny how my own insecurities tend to leak into each individual part. For example chord progressions. Anyone who writes music knows you only have so many of them. And when it comes to harmony I have a really bad habit of trying too hard to get it unique when really it only has a certain role. Bass too many notes when it should just be providing stability or structure. It’s how everything works together as a whole, but I guess I found myself worrying too much about parts being simple, so I basically ruin them by overthinking. Ah man, I see the insecurities clear as day now with all this stuff. A lot of disjointed theories and knowledge are coming together in application which is helping to solidify it and make it more intuitive.

Other movement inside myself. I’m continuing to break down that wall that says music can only ever be a hobby or a side pursuit. It’s a big wall. I’m dealing with my own internal bias as well as the general opinion of the world. UA is much needed for me, I’m glad I decided to keep it in my stack. I’ve felt incredibly stupid in the past wanting this as a life goal of mine. Mostly because people are incredibly dismissive of artists or don’t understand them. My mistake was thinking those people knew anything about how to live my life in a way that would bring me the most happiness. I think my main improvement here is it’s becoming less of a dream or a wish and more of a commitment towards making it happen. But like I said there’s a huge wall there inside me, but the difference is I’m not projecting that out into the world and seeing it as the truth. I’m recognizing these are just limits I hold within myself and they can be challenged.

So far this new schedule for my listening has been working out well. It’s just a huge adjustment only doing one loop and spacing them out that much. My mind still thinks I should be listening more. Had an urge today to run StarkQ but I didn’t do it. I don’t think it’s so much of an urge, more likely fear that I’m not getting enough exposure and falling behind. It definitely takes a certain level of self care to not abuse your mind with these subs. I know in the past I was angry with who I was so I tried to almost attack myself by nailing my brain with as much sub exposure as possible. Lessons are being learned for me, that’s for sure.

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#115

So interestingly enough, without fail, every time I listen to Aegis I get incredibly depressed. I’m going to attribute this to the sub tackling those feelings of hopelessness with all this. I’m not so much concerned with the virus, but this seems like the 2008 recession all over again when employees became too abundant and employers were in demand and got really picky. That power imbalance makes me feel like shit. People should be able to find jobs without bending over backwards or kissing ass. Whether or not people acknowledge it, this event has a profound impact on your mental health. The uncertainty of it all is nothing to sweep under the rug.

So yeah had to cut my music making session short to take a few minutes to acknowledge what’s being brought up. Otherwise it felt like i was trying to fight off or avoid these feelings.

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#116

Finally got some time to sit down and compose/listen to old compositions today. Think I spent about 1.5 to 2 hours on it. Time always disappears.

I did criticize my stuff. I think all creation involves some criticism. Even if it’s minimal. Structure engenders criticism.

On the other hand, there’s this feeling of something sort of like freedom. It’s this sense of ‘why are you making music?’ ‘Why would anyone make music?’ It must be because you want to hear something that sounds good. Why do you want to do that? It’s got to be for enjoyment. It’s almost purely aesthetic. In contrast to ‘functional’. I mean, if I go one way or another with the music I’m creating, no homes or bridges come crashing down or anything. I’m doing it to articulate a vision. Usually a vision of a particular feeling or sense or something.

These thoughts are not fully formed.

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#117

StarkQ is having me go backwards, but not in a bad way. I’ve spent the last 10 years of my life trying to distance myself from who I am. There were some things I definitely needed to change, but a lot of things I never even needed to touch. I kept modifying myself, looking outward, then looking for approval that I was doing something right. I was incredibly conflicted, it felt like I had a face for every situation but I was never “me”. And I threw even more gas on the fire by trying to rationalize with some intense dissociative questioning on the nature of identity. As if I somehow destroyed concept of self I’d be free to choose anything I wanted.

I’m not here to say what’s the right way to change for someone. It’s a concept I was super hung up on and I realize now everyone’s “right” is different. But for me I’ve realized it’s removing the blocks that prevent me from fully being me. Not being some archetype or template.

The thing is I’ve always been a sensitive guy. I was born that way, I’m convinced. But growing up a lot of other guys were knobheads. I saw how more open people were bullied or judged, so I basically assimilated in some way and internalized toxic mentalities on what it meant to be a man. I never thought I’d be saying that because I always considered myself above that kind of stuff. But I recognized in these past few days just how limited I am in my way of being by holding some arbitrary stupid ass rules in my head. Most of which are knee jerk reactions at this point, I’m not consciously thinking about it.

My main point here. I’m done chasing this psuedo alpha male bullshit I’ve been putting myself through. It’s been choking the life out of me. It takes more courage for me to be myself vs fulfilling some stereotypical traits in order to gain approval.

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#118

Zeroing in on not giving a fuck. Finally. Been trying to get here all my life. A problem popped up at work today towards the end of my shift. I gave it an extra 10 minutes past my time troubleshooting. I decided it’s a more in depth issue and I would tackle it tomorrow. Don’t care what the users say, don’t care what my boss says, staying later just didn’t feel good to me so I wasn’t about to do it. I could never do that before. I’d be afraid what others thought or what they’d say. So I’d burn myself out and rationalize that I was a “hard worker”.

I think for the first time in my life I’m legitimately putting my own needs first without guilt or shame. I’d always find myself telling myself to do it, but I never actually did. It was always “yeah that’s a good idea, I should do that”. But there was no follow through because there wasn’t any belief that I deserved it. Feels like that’s changing for me.

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#119

And wow. Not even started my UA loops this week yet, but my music anxiety has gone down significantly. I don’t feel that horrible sense of needing it to be good. The irony though is now that I’ve let go of that need the good ideas flow to me naturally.

So many bad decisions were made in a state of paranoia and fear in the past. I pretty much couldn’t see clearly as much as I tried. I think a lot of this came along with my recent breakthrough because I feel way more free to create now.

Now I just have to build up a positive habit of working and completing stuff. I was doing it before, but I felt like it was a fight. This feels different. Theres still some reluctance to sit down at my daw, but once I do I get something done. Even if its only a small part of the track. And I don’t kill myself trying to finish.

You get the pacing right and the new Q subs are smooth as hell. I think of it as a gentle energy that constantly redirects me when I stray off course vs throwing myself in a hurricane and hoping for the best. It’s tempting to think if I just slam my subconscious with more it will push me to change, but it’s just desperation from me and not taking responsibility for my own life and wanting something else to push me. I’ve definitely changed my approach to how I integrate these subs into my life.

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#120

I think I might be having the opposite reaction with StarkQ as far as fame and socializing goes. So I got news from my job that they’re going to be moving people on site soon and I’d have to start coming in as well. The whole thing shook me up, not gonna lie. I wasn’t ready to come back so soon, I don’t think I am ready. But in a way working from home has showed me how much I dislike this company I work for. Working from home made it tolerable, but now that I have to commute and sit in an office again I feel like I want to throw up.

I don’t want to deal with people, that’s the plain and simple. The petty bullshit, the drama, the passive aggressiveness, all under the guise of pleasant smiles. Where my heads at now. I’d just rather live in a small house somewhere isolated, working on music, and then if I had the desire to socialize I can get out and do so. Not be around it all the time, all hours of the day unable to escape it. Not very Stark like, which leads me to believe it’s reconciliation. So I’m going to be experimenting with 2 loops of StarkQ starting next week.

I had a feeling this was gonna happen though with the pandemic. I knew I was going to be comfortable. While everyone was dying to get back out into the world I felt better not being a part of it. But it’s not good for me because I’ve been here before and I know what this leads to. Basically me being non-functional in society. As much as I want to blame it on the shittiness that exists in the world and use that as an excuse for self isolation, I know the real goal should be strengthening myself so I can live as I am without being influenced by all that. I guess the test will be if this giving no fucks mentality will stick when I go back to the office. I tend to revert when I encounter situations that are linked to past feelings, like an addict relapsing.

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#121

I sense fear, anxiety, frustration, anger, strength, and determination behind your words. A lot going on.

This time away from the office seems to have been fruitful for you. You’ve experienced shifts and deepening and insights.

This office is not good for you. But you don’t have an alternate strategy ready to launch just yet. An exit strategy. And an entrance strategy. (One needs both. Exiting the bullshit. Entering something better.)

I’ve been in similar positions, though not exactly the same.

Inside of us there are many voices and resources, sometimes we check in with them, sometimes we don’t.

When you check in with your Inner Genius Strategist and your Inner Sage, what suggestions do you hear? Even if they don’t seem actionable yet?

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