StarkQ and Ultimate Artist

Journals - Major Programs
#81

Man, Q really takes it out of me. Another rest day today and I woke up exhausted. I remember waking up in the middle of the night yesterday just angry as fuck. Bu I was so groggy and uninhibited I think I tried to punch or something. It’s like that anger that jumps out of your body and makes you want to smash something.

Anyway I was reflecting on some stuff in my life. I’ve become increasingly irritable and patience is wearing thin with people. But the question is what am I doing about it? Getting angry or upset with how I’m treated at this job in particular isn’t going to help. What helps is letting that shit go and figuring out a way to get what’s best for me. Stewing in that anger does me no good, it just hurts me and at the end of the day people are going to keep doing what they’re doing. Unfortunately I’m not in the type of position where I have leverage or power. I’ll admit my ego gets the best of me at times, I’d rather say fuck you to someone than play nice. But it takes a really secure confident person to just let shit go and let people think they have the power so you don’t butt heads and needlessly waste your energy.

That’s where I’m at right now. I basically want to get to a point where I laugh at these confrontations and power plays and just let it go. I don’t want to be the warrior or tough guy, screw that. Why bother? I’ve been edgy lately with everything thinking the anger and all that was me not taking crap from people anymore. But if I was truly beyond it, if I truly understood to my core that people weren’t a threat to me and they had no power over me, I wouldn’t feel anger. I’d understand it’s just a game and let them do their little dance and just make sure I look after myself.

I’m not gonna let a few bad apples ruin it for me. If I’m honest I’ve been so worried about everyone fucking me over lately that I’ve become jaded. And I don’t want to be a closed off person. I’ve done enough of that in my life.

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#82

Quick note that reconciliation on ultimate artist can be a real bitch. I was working on a track and it was probably a combination of ear fatigue and reconciliation but I thought it sounded “wrong”. And no matter what I did it seemed off. But I listened to other artists and realized there was nothing noticeably wrong with it, I was just making up stuff in my head. So yeah, trying to be more fearless when making stuff lately. I’ve found myself caught in a rut of being too afraid and too overly technical. It’s a careful balance for sure. I want my music to breathe and feel natural, but I don’t want it to be an incredibly sloppy mess either. For a while I was sticking to the less is more philosophy, but I found myself being too reserved with the amount of notes I used and in general musical ideas. Felt like I was choking my musical creativity for the sake of creating stuff that was safe.

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#83

Ran my stack already today. Getting mini panic attacks. I think it might be rebirthQ. That hits pretty heavy. Starting to think maybe that should be once a week or something. I can never tell if I need to push myself more or ease up so I don’t feel so overwhelmed.

#84

So I neglected to seek the source of this anxiety. After sitting for a bit and asking myself why I got my answer. It’s the push to escape my current life as it exists, but simultaneously being terribly afraid of doing something new. I’ll be honest, taking action has been hard for me all my life. I could never make those giant leaps like everyone else. Don’t think I can do it now either. But what I can do is start visualizing more every day to become more familiar and less afraid with what I desire. I’ve lived such a limited life it’s genuinely hard for me to get perspective on any other way of living. So I think a good start for me is just being able to get comfortable with even visualizing it.

#85

And I’m learning one of my major reconciliation symptoms is over complicating things or getting too wrapped up in the how. There seems to always be something I need to do, look into, question, think about more, etc. What it really is I think is a reaction to fear. Why haven’t I done the things I want to do? At the end of the day it’s fear. It’s easier for me to make up excuses in my head how something is complicated or needs to be figured out vs face the fact that I’m just procrastinating and trying to avoid action. This is a remnant of my life and how I’d always carefully plan how to do things in my head whenever I was afraid as to avoid the worst consequences possible.

Everything really is simple at the core. It just seems complicated because there are all these limiting beliefs and fears in my head. It’s important I see that for what it is and not the truth.

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#86

My subconscious knows the most optimal route for letting go of these limitations and negative beliefs about myself. I just have to allow it. I’ve seriously been complicating the process by trying to step in and make it go faster or thinking I was doing it wrong.

I think sometimes for me it’s hard to let go fully. To surrender to the emotional flood inside of me vs trying to fight it off. But I feel thats where my growth is right now. Really pulling out those deeply held beliefs and letting them go vs trying to battle to overcome them.

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#87

Man was feeling so good yesterday. Felt like I was gonna get everything in my life. No fear, no worry, no more settling. Listened to my stack today and just took such a nosedive. Feels like I got slammed with this massive heaviness and hopeless feeling. And my knee just started randomly having pain. No idea if it’s related. Working through it now, but this kind of stuff makes it really hard to focus.

Yesterday I was in processing mode. I got off work, ate, cleaned up, and then closed my eyes for a bit and next thing I knew it was 9pm. I kinda get if my body needs it, but I hate losing my days.

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#89

Pretty much done speculating on stuff I have no business speculating on. Journals are great and all, but I feel as if they personally land me into more trouble as I chase vague breakthroughs and don’t take enough action.

I haven’t been accountable for my own shit lately. So Ive been feeling like a miserable waste of space. So I sit there making myself feel bad and then asking myself why do I feel so bad? It’s the equivalent of me bashing a hammer into my own hand and wondering why I’m in pain and how do I make it stop? It’s just dumb, there’s no getting around it. The subliminal is the guy standing next to me advising me to stop, but he can’t actually intervene. I’m doing it all to myself, whether I like to admit that or not. So when I’m working on a piece of music and find myself thinking “this sucks, my shit sucks” that’s something I can reframe. That goes for anything.

Fuck man. Why would I rather subject myself to torture than live a happy life? None of it makes sense.

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#90

Well there’s really no answer to the self torture question. It’s just me running past patterns that I still haven’t corrected. That’s about it. Fix the patterns, fix my life. Just have to keep digging. I fell into the trap of thinking “surely it doesn’t require this much work and I’m doing something wrong?” But I’m not doing anything wrong, there’s just a lot I have to deal with.

If I’m honest I don’t have much of a plan for any of my life. I feel like I should, but at the same time I don’t think I know exactly what I want. What I really want is freedom. But not just financial freedom, I mean inner freedom. That feeling of being able to navigate life without the excess fear, come and go as I please, to stop being stuck or trapped in one thing or way of living. How do you even plan for a future when it feels like you don’t even have your current situation under control? I feel like this is a perspective thing and I’m just not far along enough to put things together in my head. I have to remind myself I’ve come a long way, but I started with a ton of shit that held me back.

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#91

Going back to every day listening. Something clicked yesterday and I just knew I had to keep the momentum going. I’ve been afraid, I feel the influence from a stronger part of me pulling but I’ve been battling it. I didn’t want to face the fear or the internal discomfort. I kept thinking there has to be a better way that isn’t so tough. But there isn’t and the longer I delay, the longer I’ll continue to live a life I’m not satisfied with.

I fully recognize that who I am in this moment will not give me what I want in life. There has to be change. How I relate to the world, how I think about things, everything. This current identity I hold, even though it feels safe CONSTANTLY invites failure and avoidance into my life. And the only way to change that deep core Identity is to keep on working on myself until I get there.

I always kind of got the whole belief thing a bit. But I’ve been really thinking about the phrase “As above, so below”. The greater meaning of it. My quest for women, better music, wealth, overcoming anxiety and insecurities is starting to lead me down a greater path. I feel like everything I’m desiring, the desire isn’t bad. But I’m meant to learn a greater lesson. I think that lesson is to let go of them as needs, so I can allow them without having attachment. Not to be confused with when I was younger and shunned material desire, after all I’m on this earth for a reason. If I have the desire, the greatest good I can do for myself is allow myself to experience it.

A bit late for the warning. But I feel like there’s gonna be a lot of esoteric stuff in my posts from here on out. I grew up with inherent spirituality, got burned and lost it, and it feels like I’m rediscovering it again.

I’m going to continue with my current stack. But I’m considering alchemist as well as a supplement or just going on it fully and letting go of everything else. Going to ponder that one for a couple of days, hard to tell if this is clever reconciliation or a deeper calling towards something else. Leaning more towards reconciliation considering I haven’t achieved the goals of my stack yet and it’s easier to abandon it under the guise of spiritual growth. Tough one

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#92

Decided to scratch my energy cultivating itch and spirituality quest by making a habit of As Above and So Below superchargers. But for now sticking to my current stack. Perhaps I’ll run alchemist in the future, it definitely interests me. The whole idea of moving beyond the limits of what we’ve been told in life. Discovering more, pulling back the veil. I feel as if the underlying foundation of most of these subs have that, it’s just not as core of a focus as alchemist.

Anyway, onto growth. I feel as if my intention is getting stronger. My ability to communicate both conscious and subconscious. I no longer feel as if I should fight to overcome blocks so much as systematically deconstruct and release them. It’s a better way of growth. The desire is there, the motivation is there, nothing is lacking, I just have to release what holds back that outward expression of self.

I’m still self conscious about my own growth. Like I said before I have a lot to unravel and let go. My taking action is focused more internally because I’ve recognized that even when I do take action outwardly, sometimes those limiting beliefs are just too strong and steamroll me. So the intended action becomes less progress and more like a wrestling match of the parts of my mind for control. In the end nobody wins from that.

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#93

You definitely don’t seem to believe in making excuses or resting on your laurels. You face shit head on and, if anything, try to acknowledge more of your negative, rather than sugar-coating things. That is my impression from your shared reflections, anyway.

I remember months ago, casually tracking the amount of time you’d spent working with I think it was Regeneration. It seemed like your progression was more or less right on point, as far as subjective shifts you were experiencing, and months you’d been listening.

Seems to me that the kind of writing you do here in your journal, and the reflection and observation that must underlie that in your mind and in your life, are a definite form of Action.

Now, your journal is called Stark Q and Ultimate Artist, so I guess those are the titles in your current stack? Nevertheless, the process that you began with Regeneration seems to be deepening, extending, and expanding. Seems like Stark Q is a good choice for you.

Keep on rolling.

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#94

Thanks for dropping by to give me the encouragement. It’s much appreciated. Self reflection can be hard sometimes, especially when you come from such a troubled place. You can be past something, but still think you’re in it, it’s weird. It’s almost like a phantom limb syndrome, but with past emotional pain or limiting mindsets. I think it’s about time I go through my old journals to see how far I’ve come.

Now, your journal is called Stark Q and Ultimate Artist, so I guess those are the titles in your current stack?

Yup, part of it at least. Full stack is

Aegis
StarkQ
Ultimate ArtistQ
RebirthQ

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#95

Quick update. Don’t think I’ll be sticking to a strict schedule, but rather taking each day as it comes for listening. Every other day still seems to work better. Guess it’s weird for me adjusting to such a short listening time. But I can def feel how about 2 hours after I finish my stack it really starts hitting me.

I felt like I had a ton of processing I had to do yesterday. After I finished work and ate I listened to So Below. But after I came out of it I just kept staying in that meditative state just digging up stuff. My mind was like “c’mon, get up and work on music, you need to get better”. But I put that aside and told myself I’m better off spending the rest of the day listening to my body and releasing all this tension and other stuff that hasn’t been addressed.

I had a bit of an inward journey. Breaking down my motivation for why I felt the need to change so badly. It got to the point where I asked myself? Is there anything even wrong with me? The answer was no. Do I have blocks that suppress me? Yeah. But the fundamental core of who I am is not broken or bad. The journey for me is not about fixing, it’s about learning to embrace who I am. That never felt “right” to me and I think it’s almost entirely fear because I’m essentially telling the world who I am and some people will dislike or even hate me. But it’s better than being some amorphous person that just molds itself to everyone’s expectations.

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#96

Don’t know if anyone else feels like this, but when I’m at work it feels like starkQ is pulling me into a different direction or bringing up stuff for me to work on internally. But I need to focus on my job. At the end of the day I can give it my full attention, but it’s a lot. I need a few minutes at the end of my day just to center myself.

Still trying to figure out how I can balance it better so it all doesn’t hit me at once at the end of my day.

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#97

Well since Emperor and Stark are about you building your own business, that could be that is trying to hint that you could be doing other stuff.

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#98

Thats a good point. I guess it’s better that it’s putting that focus towards other more important things in my life vs giving all my energy to a business to make them money. Still it makes it frustrating because I’m expected to perform well at my job and I’ve got such apathy lately. I had one day where I was just thinking about straight up quitting. But with nothing else lined up it would have been a bad idea, especially given the current state of employment in general with the pandemic.

#99

I feel a version of this too. It’s not strong enough to call it resistance (to my work tasks). But it’s like if I don’t intentionally walk myself through them, I will just very easily stop.

I do think that it’s related to what @Floridianninja says. There is only a weak connection between these tasks I need to complete and my desired directions.

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#100

Ok glad it’s not just me. I was thinking about it and I think maybe it’s a reprioritization of how much I give other people. I know in the past I’d go above and beyond and burn out while people took advantage of me. It feels “wrong” to not put in that 110% so maybe I’m calibrating to that. I’m not a slacker, but I’ve noticed a lot of the time in the world people do a whole lot less and there are no repercussions. Makes me wonder sometimes if my 80% is others 100%.

#101

There’s so much going on in those 4 or 5 sentences you just wrote.

Personal evolution does not only involve making progress in one’s current situation. It also involves a transformation of one’s very view, of the paradigm or context itself.

Naturally, when I think of making progress today, I frame it in terms of what I currently see, know and understand. Yet, again and again, we find that after important internal shifts occur, there is a corresponding shift in how we frame progress itself.

As your own world, your own center, your own priorities are valued more and more and prioritized more and more in your world, the concept of ‘giving 110%’ and the idea of where that 110% gets directed are likely to really shift too. (I’m talking about myself too here.)

What was once considered ‘slacking’ may become ‘directing energy to my creative process and enjoyment of life’. Or just as likely it may transform into something else completely. We’ll see.

One thing I have faith in though is that things seem to moving in a positive direction, for you, for me, for those working at intentionality.

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