An idea. As a fun creative exercise. Choose a piece of music you love. Then create in conversation with that. I don’t necessarily mean remix it, though that would be one way to do it. There’s no rule for what you make. Just think of it as being in conversation with, inspired by, or incorporating that other piece.
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You mean sort of like the song branched off into something else? I do find myself subconsciously influenced by music I listen to quite a bit. I actually try to prevent myself from accidentally copying too much, but maybe letting myself do it will be a good exercise. Not worrying if it’s too similar
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Well looks like StarkQ is destroying productivity at my job. Either that or I finally realized how badly I get take advantage of at this company and I owe them nothing so I no longer break my back. I handle urgent requests and people getting back up on their feet. But system optimization or more elaborate tasks? Yeah I’m not stressing about that anymore. I’m conserving my energy for the parts of my life I actually care about.
I have no desire to grow in this field. Everyone who is really skilled in this field has home labs. Meaning they spend their free time testing and implementing similar stuff that they might be working with at their job. No thanks. Not for me.
To be honest I’ve been feeling like shit. Why? I’m not some scientist or engineer, I’m not a savvy business/sales person, I’m not all that skilled at anything. I’m not anything society deems “valuable”. I know that’s a shit mentality, but sometimes it feels like that’s all people see in you and I hate it. At the same time I just have a tremendous amount of apathy towards doing any amount of work just to get good at something to make money. I’ve put up with the stupid societal expectations for too long. I’m genuinely fucking sick of it all.
Maybe this company burned me out. Maybe there are better places out there. All I know is that the people I speak to in real life about any of this usually have limitations galore. So they unconsciously funnel me right back into the status quo of how to live life. Everyone seems to do this. It’s probably the fear, the more you try to break away the more it triggers fear in them by proxy and they try to self soothe by attempting to control YOUR actions.
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People also generally believe that “the system” is the safest option. They will hinder you and your desires to break free of the only life they’ve bought into because on some level they think they’re keeping you “safe”. Maybe you could change departments at work or something, see if that sparks more energy into you. When feeling in a rut sometimes even just a small shift is enough to rejuvenate.
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Yeah I think at this point I just have to make moves to a different job. Switching departments here wouldn’t be doable. I wouldn’t want to either. At least the one I’m in now somewhat insulates me from the petty drama and politics.
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It’s hard to make concrete suggestions without knowing everything so definitely go in whatever direction you feel is optimal for you. Maybe a different company in the same field? Not sure how your profession works but you could maybe look into head hunters? Or maybe just put out some feelers for opportunities
Yeah I’ll be in the same field, I’ve already built up a somewhat solid skillset and I just need money at this point. Not the best time for getting hired with the pandemic though. Ah, it’s just tangled mess in my head I have to figure out. Appreciate the input though
I mean like jamming with another musician, but just separated in time and space. Treating it almost like you’re making a song together OR that you are involved in a musical conversation. They say ‘A’ and you answer with ‘B’.
Seems like a good exercise for balancing Intentionality and Craft with Openness and Spontaneity.
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Ah gotcha, I’ll give that a shot.
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So from time to time I browse a neville Goddard subreddit. I often get incredibly annoyed and frustrated at how easy some people’s lives get. Lots of thoughts fly through my head like, yeah but they never had any real challenges, they have less crap to heal from, they want simple stuff so of course they manifest it easily, etc. Basically excuses as to why I haven’t got what I wanted. I’m still in this hard work ego pride mode.
What if life was easy? If it was light-hearted and effortless? Less seriousness and more positive experience? Less avoiding pain and more experiencing fun? I’ve realized it’s not just my internal emotional state that needs to change, but my view of the world and what life is like.
Enough of thinking it’s all pain and struggle. I’m tired of that. Consequently when you think about it, it’s your relationship to the world that dictates your reaction to it. The world out there is just a series of events with no inherent meaning. So why not frame it all in a way that benefits you instead of harming you?
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Neville Goddard teaches that everything has been created, and that our physical 3D reality is an expression of our awareness.
Time is a human construct. There is no past, present and future, and actually no such thing such as “I didn’t work hard for the past 10 years, that is why I am such a failure today” unless you want to believe it.
Whether life is difficult or easy actually depends on what you want to be aware of. In the end, everything starts from the “I am” state of awareness.
99% of people in this world have difficulty in reaching the “I am” state of awareness because we are too attached to our physical 3D reality and think that it is the only reality.
The key is to frame your reality in such a way that is expresses what you desire. That can be done with a lot of techniques, which I am sure you have come across in the Neville Goddard forum.
Subliminals do help somewhat.
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Today I decided moving forward I’m going to live with as much don’t give a fuck as possible. Looking unqualified for new job? Fuck it apply anyway. Music doesn’t seem all that great? Fuck it release it anyway. Thinking that whatever I dream of or want in life is too grand or unrealistic? Fuck it, go for it anyway. Instead of restricting myself to what I feel I can do. I’m going to challenge myself to see what I can’t do, I’m gonna shatter my personal reality. That’s my goal, not small changes, not a tiny step up from what I’ve lived with for most of my life. Just completely breaking it and starting new.
I don’t try, that’s always been my problem. I just assume I’ll fail. I never give myself an opportunity to live. If it turns out reality really is incredibly malleable and you can get what you want by belief alone, why not right? I have to at least test that theory. Cuz man the amount of people that succeed on confidence alone and not necessarily skill is staggering.
I’m always gonna be pushing myself to be better, but it’s about time I just let go and let whatever changes I’ve built up propel me forward. I can’t sit here and just wait till I’m ready. I have the rest of my life to keep refining and building myself, no sense killing a whole year trying to perfect it all at once.
Note to future self. Don’t you dare back out on this. You and I both know that the little comfort zone you’ve built is miserable, draining, and limited. You don’t want it and neither do I. Old habits die hard and that’s all these limiting beliefs are, habits. So don’t mistake them for the truth.
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It’s also a way to deepen your connection to and relationship with your mentors and role models, and to affirm your connection to what inspires you.
Creation as Sacrament
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Interesting how the coping mechanism I grew up with constantly morphs and changes. I’ve mentioned it before but I have a history of heavy dissociating to cope with my issues. This went from maldaptive daydreaming to its current incarnation under the veil of having more emotional control than I really do. That emotional control I had mistaken for growth and becoming stronger, but it was just a less severe form of dissociating.
Why do I think there’s a “better” way to handle emotions vs my own built in natural bodily expression? I have learned decreased reactivity to my emotions. But my main issue still rears its ugly head when I find myself having a hard time just allowing the emotions in the first place. And I don’t think it’s the pain of the emotions themselves that causes me to recoil. I think it really stems from my childhood when sometimes I didn’t get my needs met and instead of getting more vocal with my parents or fussy I just shut down. Can’t get hurt if my own emotions don’t matter right?
I guess overall I’ve seen my own emotions as an obstacle to happiness. Kind of ironic huh? The very thing basically explaining what my needs are was dismissed as a waste of time.
Ran elixir again today. To be honest I have had resistance to running that lately. Maybe because it’s the only thing that really does pull my repressed shit to the surface in a crazy short amount of time. But I just flowed with whatever came up today. Lots of anger and sadness/feeling like a misfit in society.
I was ostracized as a kid, I know it because I was different. But fuck em, I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not wrong.
Getting to the heart of these insecurities that have been plaguing my life for a while. That unrelenting anxiety of “what if they see the real me?” That shame I’ve carried around for years unable to just be because I always felt deep down there was something inherently wrong with me.
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Reconciling is heavy right now. I think interestingly enough it’s Ultimate Artist hitting me with it the heaviest. So for most of my life my music has come from my own emotions and feelings. That’s not necessarily bad, but my struggle with depression in the past left me in a really dark place at times. My issue is I’ve always created from an emotional foundation. So I find myself asking, when I’m through all this struggle, pain, loneliness, self-isolation, avoidance, will I even want to revisit this in my music? And how many other artists rely on that identity as fuel for their creativity/songwriting? I’d wager a guess and say a lot. Speaking quite honestly, I want to expand beyond my own limited pallet of sadness, melancholy, and general malaise.
I’ve written some stuff in the past that felt forced. I wanted it to be a certain way and I just couldn’t connect with it. I want to express myself in my music, but I want it to be a bigger expression. Something bigger than just me. But I also live with the fear that once you heal those painful things, the creativity goes. I’m the epitome of the tortured artist stereotype which I think is a load of bs. Right now I’m grappling with what the hell I want to even write.
It’s like… as I start transcending this incredibly limited perspective of myself I’ve built over the years there’s a serious lack of understanding who the hell I even am. And the doubts set in. Am I just afraid of expressing the entirety of me through my music? Given my past history with hiding myself I often assume by default I am hiding or repressing. Or am I in a transition point now where I’m realizing that identifying with that hurt/damaged state is not a mark of authenticity or living openly about who I am. There is no clear answer and that’s the problem. I’m wavering back and forth between them. I think part of it is me thinking abandoning my old self is somehow fake or inauthentic.
I used to believe in the radical honesty thing, owning your flaws, imperfections and all that. But what if you can change everything about yourself? What if you can eliminate the flaws? What if you can be the person that you want to be completely vs accepting some limited form people have told you you were all your life? If you could, what would that mean about yourself as a whole? Maybe that’s what I’m struggling with. More and more I’m coming to realize that I honest to god did not develop as a person. Yes it’s scary untangling a knotted web of negativity and self loathing and realizing that underneath it all is nothing really. Or maybe just a perceived nothingness, but it’s still there and I fear it. When it feels like you’re unraveling yourself into nothing, essentially feels like suicide or death.
But that just makes me realize there’s nothing left to discover “in there”. Going inside myself, searching, that won’t do anything. My growth is out in the world and how I interact with it. That’s what I lacked growing up and still lack to this day. So in a way, I probably do have a personality or a defining character. I just have so much limited experience with sharing it, it feels non-existent.
Starting to think all of this is something with New Beginnings, if that’s in StarkQ. I’ve never felt so much dread/fear in my life. It feels like I’m slowly being picked away and I don’t know what’s on the other side. But at the same time I know I have to go through this and let it ALL go. All the bs that holds me back. And then there’s the doubts. “Can I really do this? Is this just a fantasy in my life? Or am I just going to live in an existence I hate for the rest of my life?” Overall I’m glad I went for StarkQ because it’s challenging every single lie I told myself over the years about who I am as a person and how I relate to others. I needed something drastically different that was a complete 180 from something like Ascended Mogul, I needed to grow outward and I think StarkQ can do that for me.
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I’ve been in a similar situation, there’s a big idea I have that came out when I was at my worst a couple years ago. I did an outline of the idea but have largely set it aside for now. At this point though, I don’t feel like I will loose that moment that sparked it. It’s like a time capsule that I will reopen when the time is right. I think looking at the idea later in a more positive mind set can also help see it more objectively with a different perspective and potentially make it even better.
I’m also facing some of those existence questions. Generally, what am I if everything I think defines me is stripped away? This is some very solid proof to me that these subliminals work.
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I have opinions about the themes you’ve raised, but those opinions aren’t going anywhere, and it really feels like right now this is more about your process, rather than about those specific questions.
One thing I can say is that, just as you said, it really does look like you’re moving through very significant shifts. That’s not always fun to experience from the inside, but it’s definitely exciting to watch from the outside.
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It was definitely a more stream of consciousness thing. Having said that I think it’s important not to be too tied to concepts and ideas. After all that’s what landed me in a mess for a lot of my life. So I would be interested to hear your opinions on the things I brought up. As difficult as it is sometimes it’s good to have multiple perspectives and consider all angles.
And given my penchant for overthinking, it’s very possible I’m just grappling with fears and trying to make sense of a largely irrational emotion I’m feeling. It’s all very confusing, my mind wants to settle on some concept or sense of security and it feels like my internal world has been turned upside down.
I just had thoughts about the first part, i.e., ‘would removing my angst/pain/depression/[negative state] destroy my artistic quality and creative impulse’?
I think it will not.
Creativity is breathing. You’ll always breathe.
There’s a particular angle and tinge to pain. It brings a sharp intensity. And, at the same time, there are other colors and textures that exist in other feeling states. They all have their places.
But the other part is that sadness and pain will continue to exist even if you do not feel trapped in them. Those colors will still be there. Those spaces will still be there. But there are higher and lower roads that you can take to get to them.
There’s narcissistic pain. There’s egocentric pain. There’s compassionate pain. There’s broad altruistic pain.
There are actually certain kinds of pain that you can only experience when you have an overall joyful life. Crazy as that may sound.
Pain’s not going anywhere. It’ll always be a spice on the rack. (pun intended? ouch!) It does add a special honesty and flavor to what we create. There’s no denying that.
But we do not need to worship it. Better is to visit it like a Greek oracle. Sitting in the shadow of discomfort while it whispers secrets of wisdom to us. Then we get up, bow, and leave for a while.
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