Rather than merely winning at the old games that once oppressed you; you may find that you are outgrowing them completely. Redefining the terms even as you transcend those terms. This seems to be the way it often goes.
2 Likes
I am curious to know howās your Experience with Aegis Initiative as I am planning to use to as well, care to share?
So I was wrong about the energized feeling. Turns out it was that weird punch drunk state when you donāt have enough rest. When youāre tired, but donāt feel it and the cognitive ability goes down. So Iām going to cut out listening at night again. However, I think the insight I gained from it was valuable. The goal should be to saturate my mind as much as possible during the day to keep momentum going. That much remains true. I realized I have to take care of my health in general, but now more than ever is not the time to be pushing my body to its limits and compromising my immune system.
In a way my reconciliation was more listening. Not letting up, being so angry and disgusted with myself and trying to kill a part of myself. But like I said, no enemies, I only hurt myself. Funny how that came about when I started listening to StarkQ. Must have poked something good that illicit such a response. Just a reminder reconciliation isnāt always the most obvious things
Aeigis Initiative has been great. I am healthy, so I canāt say how itās effected me in terms of helping with that. But in my habits and overall mentality regarding this whole pandemic, it has helped a ton. I guess if I could sum it up, it makes you totally aware and on point with the situation without causing you to panic or stress about it. It does make you into more of a leader, youāll probably start becoming irritated by people who endanger others through ignorance and selfishness. And you wonāt hesitate to voice that opinion when necessary.
A few times while falling asleep, must have been the script playing out even though I wasnāt listening, Iād find myself with this feeling that I was somehow helping the world with my energy. Not only was I pacifying my own anxieties but I felt like I was trying to project that calm out into the world as well.
I think everyone on this forum should use it to be honest. Even if itās one loop in the stack or once a day. It sounds crazy but I truly believe a collective thoughtform can make a measurable impact on reality and itās worth a shot. Even if you donāt believe the metaphysical angle, at the very least it will help you do your part to ensure youāre helping in some way.
4 Likes
@Fractal_Explorer I am with you there! Stay strong and go all in! I can relate to your situation more than you will ever know!
1 Like
Had a dream last night about a crush from high school, but this time she was into me. Donāt know how significant that is for me, but letās just say my previous mentality didnāt even allow me to have those dreams so it seems like something. Gotta start somewhere.
Iām not even gonna pretend like I have this part of my life handled. Iāve largely been ignoring it. When I was 18 i was obsessed with PUA shit. Thought it was the golden ticket. Burned out hard from that. Wasnāt successful or anything, but just a lot of dumb stuff in that area that should never have even gotten into my brain.
So I kind of just gave up. I do the online dating thing, but for the most part it just feels like a lot of hoops to jump through. Iām on there just in case I run into someone, but Iāve never tried to be good at it like other guys. Sidenote, the amount of girls talking about the office and tacos is obnoxious, profiles so similar youād think itās just bots.
So yeah I pretty much suck at getting attention and maintaining attraction. Iāve always been like āwhatever dont careā, but I think it was a mask for dealing with the insecurities in this area. Kind of want to work on it just to have the peace of mind when a girl is into me I donāt self sabotage or I can stop treating it like an anxiety inducing situation and actually have fucking fun for once in my life.
Like I said in my intro with this sub. Iāve spent a long ass time doing the loner thing and Iām over it. All it ever was was a coping mechanism because of my severe social anxiety growing up. Some social situations are fun for me. But all of them? Nah. Iāve been at this job for 2 years now and I still have trouble interacting with the people here. Which had a domino effect of people thinking Iām an asshole and treating me worse. So not only am I struggling with anxiety, but because of that Iām treated even worse. No wonder I became as fucked up as I did. Thatās such a lose-lose situation.
2 Likes
Those are some super deep realizations you made! You seem to be at the verge of a giant breakthrough.
1 Like
Donāt know if Iāll get a giant breakthrough, but Iām definitely feeling a shift in my overall mentality. As long as I keep that up I see my life improving a lot.
2 Likes
Getting deeper into stuff. Bought a book recently that Iām reading thatās contributing to a lot of insight. My current dysfunction I have with things in my life and struggle is not due to not trying hard enough. Rather itās due to past childhood varying degrees of emotional traumas that caused me to grow up with an inability to accept certain emotions and feelings. And when you are disconnected from yourself or fragmented, how are you supposed to get through life? How are you even supposed to grow if your habits are so messed up you canāt even practice self awareness because you forbid yourself from going through the normal range of human emotions?
I feel like for the past few years Iāve been spinning my wheels because Iāve focused on this 1% of me. The part I want to be confident, sure of myself, successful, etc. And everything else? Just completely disowned. I was this 1% and I wasnāt allowed to be anything else. Anything else was failure.
And these subliminals are all about reconciling those deepest beliefs and emotions. But if Iāve built up the habits of never allowing certain things even into my awareness, Iāve effectively destroyed the main element of how the subs promote growth. Iāve felt myself selectively pick and choose emotions that pop up at times. Rather than being open to it all. Because you need all of it to grow and heal as a person. You canāt just say āthis, this, no I donāt like that lets throw that outā. It doesnāt work like that.
My relation to my emotions is terrible. But Iām going to put more effort into fixing that because thatās the heart of the issue. Not the surface level stuff like not having the job I want, not creating the music I want, not having the relationships I want, etc. My relation to myself, thatās what I need to work on the most.
1 Like
Moving into doing a lot of inner child work. It should have been a hint that something wasnāt right when I started getting older and wanted to distance myself from my childhood self as much as possible. Big red flag there that I had unresolved issues.
Which brings me to my ambitions and goals with StarkQ. I had set out on this journey still operating from the frame of needing to prove myself or validate myself somehow. Which was essentially a way of running from unresolved childhood issues. And the really tricky part is until you resolve those things, youāre basically going after the wrong stuff in life but you convince yourself itās the right way.
The need to be confident, strong, assertive, in control, and successful stems from the past feelings of being afraid, feeling weak/helpless, not good enough, and wrapping it all up in shame and sticking it in an untouched corner of the subconscious mind.
Iād frequently get upset I wasnāt moving along fast enough with these subs. What Iāve come to realize is I was trying to shortcut the process. Iām still going through stuff and I have to trust the way it gets processed vs trying to impose my own way on top of it. And Iāve been much more at ease after telling myself everything Iām feeling right now is what Iām meant to feel and go through, there is no āwrongā, and there is no need to feel any other way. A lot of my pain was resistance to allowing what came up from these subs. Simple concept, but it takes a while to really settle into that state after years of telling yourself donāt feel this or that.
That feeling of being dragged back down I wrote about? Yeah that was internal stuff that needed attention. Not stuff that needed to be bulldozed through or willpowered away. Which having said that Iāve realized over the years Iāve built an exceptionally resilient and powerful mind, there are just some aspects that have lagged behind that now need attention to achieve balance.
1 Like
@mecharc once told me:
"Maybe these realisations wouldnāt make sense to you earlier, and you would disregard your learning back then. You are in the best place you could be! Now with subliminals, youāre at the best place with an added edge!"
I really did not like reading this back then as I felt it was unfair that I have to go through all that bad stuff and have to suffer while otherās did not have these problems and are now ten steps further in life.
But looking back he was right. And hell he was right.
Without all that pain, problems, traumatic childhood issuesā¦ etc we frankly would not be the same driven person with a seek for self-improvement. And having this desire is what differentiates us from the rest who donāt have a traumatic experience. From now on, it is only a time match until we surpass the rest and resolve the last things that are holding us back to become the version of ourselves that we desire.
You are making great progress and I really enjoy reading following you on your way. Keep us updated
4 Likes
Man today was rough. I decided to take off completely because I woke up this morning feeling like my mind was oversaturated with the subs. I had incredibly difficulty getting any of my work done at my job. Granted it was tracking down where inventory imbalance errors were generated and I just did not have the focus for it. Any other day I could barely focus on a mind numbing task like that, but today was bad.
Best way I could describe it is I kept getting pulled away from the task at hand. Iād get flooded with emotions so strong I just needed to keep taking these brief 2 minute breaks just closing my eyes and going with it.
The other night I went to bed with the feeling of being a terrible human being. I was definitely clearing something, but it all just keeps bubbling to the surface. Thereās a lot Iām going through right now, some stuff I couldnāt get to before. But reaching it now, yeah itās apparent why I couldnāt get to it before. I definitely wasnāt ready for it. At this point Iām basically integrating fragmented pieces of myself that I suppressed. Itās a process of discovery, I definitely donāt know what to expect. Itās definitely rough, but Iāve stopped running away and dissociating and instead work through the pain.
I know this is just reconciliation speaking right now, but I felt like journaling anyway.
Iām afraid this is it for me. This is where I cap out, that my life is just going to be an endless torturing repetitive cycle of me trying to improve my life and not actually getting anywhere. The question always on my mind. When am I gonna enjoy life? Not the measly 2 days a week I get off. I mean in a whole entire sense. Either Iām doing something wrong or I have different needs compared to other people.
My motivation to write music has tanked. The process of writing a full song has me stressed again. And no matter what I say about it not having to be āgoodā, I canāt escape that critic right now. Iāve realized I push through a lot that inner critic stuff and lately because Iām so tired I donāt have the energy for it. So what I really should focus on is taking down those critical behaviors.
I guess what it comes down to is Iām trying not to fight as much to get things done. I know hard work is necessary, but sometimes I just hate how badly I get in my own way. Iāve just struggled with so much growing up, Iām tired of it.
I find myself asking myself daily. Why me? Did I just grow up dysfunctional towards the world around me? Or do I see through the bs and fight against enormous pressure everyday to live in a way that isnāt all that common? It seems the more virtuous, honest, authentic you are the more you get royally fucked in life if you donāt play the game. I hate the game, but Iām coming to terms with the fact I have to play it. I want to transcend it completely, but as they say ālearn the rules so you can break themā.
I donāt like this, every idealistic part of me screams that I shouldnāt have to do this. People should be kind, look out for you, look out for others, and respect each other but they fucking donāt. And theyāre the ones that live it up. Sad truth. There is only power. The more power someone gets, the more itās like a snowball effect. It just goes and goes. They start becoming untouchable because with that power nothing matters. And if their baseline morality was fucked to begin with and the only thing that kept them in line was fear of consequences, when they get all that power that goes out the window.
Maybe this has been whatās causing me so much emotional distress. Reconciliation about how the world really works. Makes me want to vomit. Iām not a hippy or anything, this is probably my enneagram 9 type if anything. Iāve always desired peace and that need led to me doing some really bad dissociating. A psuedo-peace bubble, very easily popped, but I didnāt want to venture out if it and find real peace in this chaotic world. Thatās hard. And to me thatās the mark of a real enlightened individual. Anyone can go to an isolated location for months and generate peace by meditating. Thatās not impressive. Show me someone who deals with the chaotic nature of modern living and transcends it and I have way more respect for them.
This has been in my mind a lot lately. Keep pushing brother, you are transcending
2 Likes
it sounds like you are processing pain.
1 Like
Straight to the point, yeah I think youāre right. I find myself trying to avoid it and Iāve just been diving in and letting go. Really processing, not the highly controlled version I usually do. Letting go of those safety nets in my subconscious that held me back from getting to it.
1 Like
For something completely different away from the usual doom and gloom.
Iām finally getting down a list of workflow tweaks for my DAW. Iāve realized part of the reason I have trouble making music sometimes is I break the flow a lot. I also start from scratch, every time and itās completely unnecessary. I generally donāt like templates because it always felt like I need to build up from nothing every time to enhance creativity. But going over past projects, yeah theyāre pretty goddamn similar so Iām wasting my time not having all that in place right off the bat. Mostly just the track names and maybe some default presets for the type of sound. Not full on templates with chords and stuff already in there.
The main issue was always this DAW is DEEP in customization. And I have never been good at planning, executing, or organization. So every time I got into it I got overwhelmed and put it off and just reverted to my less than optimal workflow.
And then I was listening to old songs I did and I was pretty shocked how when I knew less it was actually better. Somewhere along the line I took in bad info and stopped trusting my own judgement and my stuff took a nosedive. But Iām getting back to that level of inner trust because Iāve realized so much crap advice is all over the web. Even āprofessionalā tutorial videos and stuff are terrible sometimes.
So instead of looking for the ārightā info all the time and worrying about doing stuff in the most optimal way possible based on research. Iām just experimenting with what works for me. Because Iāve found more often than not, too much info is just as bad as not enough.
3 Likes
You know itās funny how you can really get stuck in your ways and start thinking what youāre doing is right. I come from a really critical judgemental headspace. 90% of my life revolved around that. So when I try to change or heal with these subs I find myself pushing myself needlessly just for the sake of proving something to myself. That sort of macho I can take it attitude. Iām learning itās better to go easy and stop that endless cycle of pushing myself too hard, triggering anxiety, then feeling like shit because I didnāt overcome what I wanted to.
Having said that, Iām gonna be adding rebirth Q to my stack along with Ultimate Artist Q. Excited for this. Rebirth worked really well for me when I used it, so very interested to see how I respond to it with Q.
More and more I feel like Iāve been growing to make myself happier vs trying to grow because Iām so insecure about how I am as a person. Growth fueled from personal fulfillment and well being vs growth fueled by fear. One feels much much better than the other.
1 Like
Interesting discovery. I bumped up the volume on the masked subs a bit and noticed I felt better. Lower volumes seem to trigger more anxiety/depression in me? Almost like raising the volume makes it harder to slip into those states.
I guess I progressively lowered the sub without realizing as a way to self sabotage.
1 Like