Also unsolicited. If you had a YouTube channel or podcast where you gave tips and tutorials about music production and gear and work flow that’s also something I’d be interested in.
Feel ultimately free to completely ignore these ideas. I’m just in this space right now.
You’re not far off the mark actually. I’ve thought about it. My main issue with providing mixing/mastering would be the gear. If I’m gonna do it I’m gonna do it right and it does get expensive. Also it can get demanding, sometimes I worry if I went that route I wouldn’t want to touch my own music again. Could just be a fear though.
I have thought about YouTube a lot though. I definitely want to set up a channel in the future. I also want to do live streams of making tracks on twitch. But I’m holding off on doing so until my music is consistent and I have something to back it up with. I’ve been through a lot of YouTube channels, although well meaning, their tips and tricks were not reflected in their own work. As much as I’ve learned and know now I don’t feel I’m in any position to give people advice on their stuff.
But I’ve always wanted to help out aspiring producers who might be getting stuck in the same stuff I did. Making things easier. There’s a lot of ego caught up in music sometimes and secrets and all that, but I don’t believe in that. Definitely something I’ve always had on my mind.
Trying something new this week with subs. I’m running 2 loops of aegis and starkQ. But the plan is to run aegis in the morning back to back. Then wait a few hours, then starkQ. Also going to switch to 3 days of this then a rest followed by the same but substituting starkQ with UA.
I wanted to keep experimenting doing small changes so I had a solid understanding or information that would be valuable. Unfortunately this is my life and I just don’t have the time to waste doing small controlled experiments just for the sake of isolating variables. So while I’m not doing extreme things, the variables aren’t exactly the same.
My reasoning for back to back loops is based on my experience with hypnosis in the past. I’d often be more suggestible after the second loop of a hypnosis file. It’s like the initial barrier was broken down and it built up momentum. Now I don’t know if that’s the case with the Q subliminals but I’d figured I’d try it out.
@Malkuth Thanks for turning my attention to ACT. I bought a book called the happiness trap I’m reading now that I feel is really going to help me manage all this better.
Oh wow that fucking sucked. I guess with all the stuff going down lately I’m on high alert. I had a dream last night, except it wasn’t a dream. Felt like sleep paralysis or something. I was facing my wall sleeping on my side which kind of always makes me feel vulnerable because I’m not facing the entrance to my room. Anyway it felt like someone was going to come up behind me and slit my throat or something. Like you know that feeling you get when someone is close by, but you don’t see them so much as sense them? It was that. It wasn’t a oh this is scary feeling. It was an oh shit I’m gonna die right now feeling, they’re gonna kill me.
Had a dream last night I was going for an interview for a new job/finally leaving this one. Seems like 2 loops is digging deeper. I have a lot of fear surrounding that, hate that I’ve stayed at this job so long out of fear. Hate the fact more that I put up with the bs just to make a meager paycheck.
Also realized I like to take problems in my head and heavily deconstruct them. But what I really fail to do is change myself. Most notably I try to find solutions to problems from the same frame of mind that got me into the mess in the first place. So my mind is filled with biases and distorted truths. And I hate it so much.
The questions that burden my mind. Why is it that I seem to operate from this idea that I have some concrete knowledge on how life is for me? Life in general isn’t the same for everyone. Which means for me it doesn’t have to be this static thing where I just suffer over and over again.
I get frustrated with my life but I keep doing the same shit over and over and expecting a different outcome. I put myself in a shitty job. I’m the one not leaving it. I’m the one not being more prolific with music. I’m the one that lets people take advantage of me. There’s nothing out there that’s asserting it’s will on me. I do all this to myself.
Maybe there is no why. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I just don’t do enough to reinforce the mentality and the real issue is I don’t persist enough and let doubts get in my way. Maybe wrestling with the why is utterly pointless and at worst just another tactic from my own mind to convince me it needs to understand everything before it can change.
This may or may not be practically helpful right now, but:
I think you do not realize how powerful you are. And lest I sound too zen-like, I underestimate my own power (yes, like most so-called advice this is a projection of my own experiences. I’m just saying it because I think it may also apply to you).
When you do actually move to a better job, I imagine that it will be anti-climactically easy.
Intellect-heavy people tend to have this pattern, I think. Also, introverty, highly-sensitive people. Also, neuroticky (haha, I’m creating new adjectives) people.
We fetishize and aggrandize action-taking, even simple action-taking,until it seems like every change will require the effort of climbing Mt. Everest.
Some things really will be challenging. But some of the things we imagine will be, won’t be.
And now time for the context-appropriate yarn:
When I was 15 or so, I used to tutor two little daughters of our family friends. I’d ride my bike over to their place or their mom would pick me up. They had a very big dog that looked kind of like this:
It was pretty loud and excitable. In order to not have it run at me and jump all over me, the mom had a very simple trick: She’d take a little string of thread. and just lay it across the doorway. No gate. No door. Just a line of thread on the floor.
She told me, ‘When he was a puppy he was running and playing and jumped onto a counter top. Then he got tangled in that thread and slipped off the edge. He was dangling and felt so scared. We got him untangled and sorted with no problem. But ever since then, he always avoids that bit of thread.’
So this huge dog wouldn’t cross the bit of thread on the floor. It’s actually a true story.
Anyway, I think the same thing happens to us.
Man this is spot on. The thread example made me laugh, but at the same time really put into perspective how badly I hold myself back. As you said, it’s the power thing. I just don’t know why I have so much trouble embracing it. It’s so intangible, so abstract, and I just took it as the truth for years. And it just clings to me.
I’m just glad I’ve encountered other people like you with similar difficulties. I constantly feel as if I’ve done something wrong. I think the reality of it is there’s definitely a combination of traits that make it harder to overcome this stuff. And short of subliminals I’ve yet to find anyone who has a 100% fool proof answer. Which leads me to believe there’s still a lot people overlook when it comes to growth and change in certain individuals and it’s not as linear as one would expect.
It I’m 100% honest I know everyone struggles and it’s not a competition. But that internal friction of wanting to change so bad and do something different with life, but then almost watching like a bystander as your life unfolds in a way you don’t want hurts a lot.
This book I’m reading is really good. It’s funny how I’ve discovered these concepts on my own at one point. Having it in a cohesive format outlined like a plan though helps a ton. Some of the advice is incredibly simple, but to me the way it’s shifting my relationship with my thoughts is taking a huge weight off my shoulders.
For example one question the author recommends asking yourself, is this thought helpful? That’s it. As someone who’s always debating thoughts, trying to uncover what’s true or not, where it came from, how to remove it, etc. It just stops a lot of that agonizing.
Underlying it all though is my need for control. I thought if I could control my thoughts and emotions better my life would improve. But it’s been the opposite. Learning to allow them all, but also understanding I don’t have to believe them or tie any truth to them is powerful. I didn’t realize how much fear I had surrounding them or anxiety. Ultimately I believe using the subliminals will eventually weed out those undesirable beliefs I may hold, but until they do it’s better not to fight but dis-identify until the new state is strengthened enough. It’s like having a plan of action for both sides. Whereas before I was incredibly dependent on the subconscious angle and my conscious mind was an absolute mess. Getting the conscious chaos under control feels like it will allow space for the influence of the subconscious to surface better.
I believe that there’s a strength and an intellectual incisiveness in the way that you engage these things. It’s building up certain capacities and intelligences that will continue to stay with you and to serve you even after these particular issues are resolved/transcended.
It’s an admirable character trait to me that you continue to wrangle and to engage through most circumstances. Chances are that you often take that for granted or are even annoyed by it. But people who do this are, I suspect, some of the teachers of the world. There’s a hunger to not just escape but to understand.
With this quality it is basically inevitable that you will have something to say, something valuable to offer about the experiences and the challenges through which you have navigated.
It’s sort of a long-term, time-released super-power: the capacity to, over time, learn, understand, and generate insight.
The alternative is just as common or maybe much more common: pass through an issue, survive it, and forget all about it. Nothing wrong with that either.
Really appreciate it man. I appreciate all your posts. They help me keep perspective on myself when I’m feeling down. I unfortunately a lot of the time don’t recognize these things in myself. Maybe it’s because I’m not surrounded by it in my immediate reality. But I know it’s building internally. But with my recent dive into ACT I’m seeing how the old stories cloud my perspective. The changes and growth are there, it’s just a matter of really embracing them.
Bought a new virtual synth. It’s 100% modular which is super intimidating, but the sound on it is amazing. I’m doing my best to learn more and start building my own patches. It’s a new thing and when I start new things I tend to get anxious.
I find myself frequently struggling to get stuff done despite wanting to. But that’s been my whole life and I don’t know what it is. I still haven’t learned piano, haven’t gone over these music theory courses, improved my daw workflow, and haven’t done enough sound design for my music. Obviously I do this to myself, but why? If it brings me closer to my goals shouldn’t I be eager to learn and improve vs being afraid? Something just feels harder than it should to stay committed. Maybe it’s because my job just has me burned out and I’m not making enough money there to feel comfortable with my financial situation.
Even so, those are my interpretation of events in my life. I should be able to prevent those from effecting me. But ya know, fuck it. They do, thats the reality of this and it’s what I do with that awareness vs wishing I was invincible.
Been taking a bit of a break while I wait for my custom Q to get here. It’s been about 3 days now not listening to anything. It’s given me some insight on some stuff.
I’ve realized that some of the time listening to the subliminals it triggers a freeze response in me. And sometimes I don’t even realize it. Learning more about ACT has been helping, but I think a somatic experiencing guide might be beneficial for me as well. But the main improvement I have to make is recognizing these freeze states and pulling myself out of them. They range from short term such as having an event trigger me at work and I have to calm myself when I have a minute. To longer more subtle such as having a whole week where I feel I can’t get anything done because I feel “stuck”. My mistake has always been trying to think myself out of what is essentially a body response. More specifically I’d deepen the freeze response by dissociating further. And when my life feels particularly overwhelming and impossible I go even deeper, I stop doing productive things, which consequently makes me feel worse and makes my life worse, which drives me further into the dissociation.
My mistake in the past is trying to counter the dissociation by getting into a more focused fight type state. But then it turned into a back and forth of huge instability. Learning to calm my body, but at the same time face the things that cause these freeze responses are important. Otherwise I’m just fighting through, then later checking out due to the delayed onset of what I went through. Basically if I’m in a hyper aroused state, more arousal isn’t gonna snap me out of it, if anything it will make it worse.
One course. It’s expensive, but it’s awesome. Took my producing game to a new level: https://www.pianoforproducers.com/
Oh damn this looks good. I’ll have to grab this when I have the money. How long did it take before you felt it improved your production? The sales pitch hits close to home for me, too close lol. I’m wary of too good to be true stuff, I’ve been burned on a lot of courses that promise the world but don’t really deliver.
Literally, the first few lessons. I knew nothing about music theory at all, though. He explained it in a way that just makes sense.
I’ve studied a bit of music theory. I couldn’t get a lot to stick, so maybe this will work better. He’s got a free lesson so I’ll see if I vibe with his teaching style. That can usually make or break it for me.
I know you’ve moved on to your custom sub, but this statement is truer now than ever. Being yourself takes guts despite the society’s pressures. Finding that inner gem and using that to guide you is the real treasure chest, not some muscle flexing peacocking display for approval and attention crumbs.
Nice post thanks, I’m on souncloud , AMBROZE.
I’m n youtube Ambrose Hall, with some piano vids of mine and a few dance tunes. thanks