I’ve been on EOG ST1 for 2 months now, have had trouble with emerging emotions lately, and I saw people reporting really relaxed emotions and feel-good reports, so I PM’d Saint about stacking it with EOG. I received it yesterday. I’ve used it maybe 6 hours total so far, as EOG is doing some emotional catharsis, and EOG is my main stack. This is day 61 of ST1, and I’m shooting for 90 days.
First awareness on EQ: a drive to be productive. I hauled ass at work yesterday like I was high on caffeine. Today, I ran it in the morning before coming to work, then resumed it during lunch. I ran ST1 the rest of th time. I worked with a lot of other people today, but I had energy to do my own thing since I knew what had to be done, the others helped on and off, and my supervisor sent us home earlier than normal. Partly due to COVID (sp?), and partly due to me ignoring my crew a bit the last hour at work. My super just said tomorrow will be better, and I know he had a rough workday resolving some complaints from customers.
In times past with Emperor, I sensed a redirection to work on my goals. I looked forward to this, and today I’ve been thinking about mine. This seems strange to admit, but when I’m purely focused on resolving emotional barriers, that IS my goal. The key difference between using SC subs vs. other vendor’s subs related to healing emotional issues is SC does not give static answers and solutions, while others often do. With others, I’m pressed to do what the subs goals are. I’m in a spot where I’m having to look for possible solutions; they’re not handed to me. For example, shame is the emotional focus right now, and I’ve spent a major portion of life ignoring it and avoiding that feeling and the connected beliefs about myself. Sitting here with both a fear of losing this denial and a tenacity to face these big beliefs in my life freezes me up. Like I’ve equated failure with shame. I’m “seeing” failure since I’ve been stuck with shame each and every time I’ve focused on it.
After admitting that here in writing, I considered something. Simply, am I making things too difficult for myself? I’ve been revisiting this awareness today, having found some frustration with a worker who works hard–but much harder than he needs to. This guy is older, but damn, all we need to do is…! I never felt the need to speak up. Rather, like guys say here on Emperor, they often jump in and just do it themselves. I wonder if I’m trying to make healing all laborious so dealing with it is undesirable. (Reconciliation may have many faces). Making it hard is becoming evident to me, and I don’t enjoy that.
I’ll update regularly, and that was the last 2 day’s observations.