[STACKED] Fractal's Journey (StarkQ: Terminus, Ultaimte Artist and DREAMS)


#1

New Changes for StarkQ: Terminus
I’m excited to start running StarkQ: Terminus alongside Ultimate Artist Q. I have decided to start out with one loop of each masked version per day except Sunday, which will be a rest day. I’ll adjust this as I feel I need to, maybe more breaks or more loops, who knows?

Old post follows:
Hey guys, I’ve been doing a private journal but I decided to try out posting here… so my first few posts will be some catch-up. I’ve used subliminals, binaurals, and morphic frequencies for about a year. These were all on youtube, and I did get results from some of them. A lot were physical and workout focused things because I wanted to test the limits. Now I decided to stop playing around and use it for turning my life around.

I am currently running:

  • StarkQ 2X
  • Ultimate Artist 1X
  • Dreams once before bed

I started April 7th so its just over 2 weeks of run time. I cycle the stack a much as I can throughout the day and night, masked whenever I am at the computer, ultrasonic on cellphone speaker whenever I’m not and when I’m sleeping. I have my iPhone speaker at around 60% volume, though I haven’t been able to test the dB level.

I’m considering adding one of the healing add-ons or EmperorQ, but for now I think it is better to keep it slim and focused then add more as I feel is necessary.

StarkQ
I didn’t care so much for the fame part, but then I realized that it is fame from creating something great, which has always been my goal. It is foolish to not expect attention if you accomplish something like that haha, so I took the plunge on it. My personality however may be closer to Emperor than Stark, because I’m already used to a lone wolf kind of life. However, it isn’t really the person I want to be, it’s actually more like Stark. So this has me wondering if I would get more results with Emperor or all that matters is your goals.

Anyways, I’m pretty introverted, like spend a lot of time in my head. Which is beneficial for creating and visualizing, but not when trying to have a conversation. At worse, this problem can even make it hard to pay attention to what people are saying if I’m not as comfortable around them. So I really hope to fix this problem. This likely resonates with my lack of self confidence which has also caused me to be a perfectionist, which means I don’t finish my own projects as I get too discouraged that it isn’t turning out how I envision it along the way.

I’m also hard on myself, my mind could bring up the dumbest of things, maybe something as small as something I said years ago and then get a knot in my stomach. It makes it hard to move forward and take risks. I also have experienced a lot of failure and disappointment which always gives me doubt even before trying to work on something.

So at least I know exactly what I need to work on :sweat_smile:

Ultimate Artist
My art goals involve me needing to be a sort of “Renaissance Man” and I do have a passion for many different areas of art, just some areas I don’t have too much skills developed in it yet. I also would like to get more comfortable with showing stuff earlier to get feedback and improve. The part of manifesting people to help you move farther would be very valuable to me too. Marketing is also something I have 0 interest in and either have to find a way to like it or find someone to partner up with.

DREAMS
I’ve always had an interest in dreams, psychology and spirituality so this one I just had to try. I know alchemist is perfect for this, but I didn’t want to make it the main focus for now. I have already started doing a dream journal since March, so I have a good foundation. In my life I’ve maybe had 5 lucid dreams naturally, now six since I had one last week, which I’ll get into in a later post. One of those dreams that I had years ago had a tremendous impact on me and could even be considered an astral projection. I don’t know for sure what it was, but I want to dive deeper, potentially “go back” there and find out. I would also like to get good enough at lucid dreaming to prototype ideas in the dream before creating them in the real world. Have you ever composed a song in a dream? My God is it amazing. Finally, it is a great way to track how your mind is reacting to a subliminal.

So those are my goals. I don’t think I’ll be posting everyday, maybe do a weekly or bi-weekly update. I’ll see. If anyone has any tips on stacks or anything in general, I’m all ears. Goodbye for now!


#2

A fascinating combo. I like how it blends together practical life-goals and inspiring influences and exploration. Seems like a nice organic balance. Look forward to appreciating your journey whenever you choose to share.


#3

I’ve found most artists that dislike marketing have an association with it killing the art somehow. And we are swamped with a lot of scarcity mentality among artists with marketing. Desperation, pushiness, I share your dislike of that. But think of marketing as a means to getting your art out into the world and reach as many people as possible. Good art comes first, marketing is the channel that it moves through. Too many people do it backwards and think all the marketing should take priority over the art. And in a sickening way to some extent it works when you’ve got enough clout/connections.


#4

Yeah for sure that’s how I feel too. And you always feel like the time could be better spent on working on the art instead. The pop music industry is a good example of your last two sentences, shove something in a person’s head until they give in and like it.

I guess you could also say there is a certain art in marketing too, especially viral marketing. However, the most reliable is the kind that simplifies it into plain data and I loose interest in that stuff so quickly. Another thing I see trapping artists is they market to their peers too much, like on twitter for instance. Then when they release their product, they aren’t getting sales because those aren’t the actual customers.


#5

Week 1 + 2
Here’s the first update, these points are in chronological order as I noticed them during this timespan.

  • Generally more happy with the way I look
  • More positive. Sometimes when waking up I think “I feel so good being me!” Usually I would feel more like “What’s the point of getting up, it’s the same loop over again.” So it is a much nicer way to start the day and clearly my mind is liking something the subliminal is telling it overnight.
  • Made a mistake in stock market, could have made much more money. Was disappointed but didn’t beat myself up over it like I usually would. Just thought, “I trusted myself and made what I thought was the best decision.” and am trying to learn what I missed to do better next time.
  • Have a desire to get things done but unfortunately still get distracted and procrastinate.
  • Remembering less dreams than before and still forgetting to try lucid techniques. (this was around a week in)
  • The Power Can corrupt module seems to be getting to work on me, however since my life situation doesn’t have me working with much people, it is instead using experiences I hear from others I know. Such as dealing with a shitty boss, randomly in the morning while still drowsy in bed I thought of a proverb like, “Don’t get angry at the boss (ie loose your cool and look like a fool), make him feel in control even if he isn’t” also, “a good leader installs confidence in the people he leads (confidence in themselves and in you)”
  • Got really close to meditate into a lucid dream / obe after listening to Dreams, however got really hot and sweaty and had to stop. I wonder if this is from a deep anxiety I have from some bad experiences in the past when I was trying these things.
  • Had a conversation with self over small talk that seemed stark influenced. Being introverted, it can be a challenge to meet and talk to new people and I don’t like small talk. This made me wonder though, “Does anyone actually like small talk?” I eventually came to the conclusion that small talk is just something people do because they fear being rejected if they reveal their true self to strangers. They slowly want to reveal themselves instead to make sure it will go well. However, there’s a small amount of people that skip the small talk and get down to the good stuff right away. These people always leave the greatest impression on me and are the most fun to talk to other than people I know well.
  • Was listening to ultimate artist and felt like listening to some Arcade Fire with it and was intensely connecting with the lyrics, even stirring up emotions. Lyrics don’t typically matter too much to me, so this was interesting. Seems like UA helps you also appreciate art to build taste so you can use that later.
  • Solving issues with my project slowly, though I want to be faster and more motivated to get it done.
  • Don’t know if related but my eye has started twitching since a bit after starting. I usually get like this when I’m dealing with stress, so I’m considering the subliminal could be triggering stress in my subconscious. I don’t feel stressed though.
  • I had a lucid dream that I’ll get into in my next post since some interesting things happened.

#6

So here’s the lucid dream I had on the 18th:

I was tailing someone in an intense snow storm while driving like a nut. Went though a stop sign into a main street and then some pedestrians were walking in the middle. I then slam my breaks and swerve so I don’t hit them. I thought they would look pissed but instead were smiling/laughing in a shocked kind of way.

Out of all the strange things I see in dreams, this response to my actions is what seemed to trigger “I’m in a dream.” I then decide to follow the goals of lucid dreaming on the site obe4u, where you first find a mirror, then eat something and then do your own task of your choice. I’m not sure why he picked these (I haven’t finished all his videos yet) but I went along anyways. I tried imagining a mirror while driving, this was strange as I see the driving image and the mirror faded on top. It wasn’t working, so I then got out of the car and went into a building to look for a mirror.

This is where things got interesting, it was like my subconscious was like, “wtf are you doing!?” and was pulling me back as I try to walk down the hallway. Reminded me of inception where the dream characters turn on you. With great force I tried to push forward in the hallway but could barely move, like walking against gravity. So, some guy was in there and I ask if there’s a mirror, he says there’s one in the washroom. I then ask for help, so he lifts me by my shoulder and suddenly walking is easy again. He walks me to the washroom and I go in.

The washroom is dirty as hell, like most public washrooms in my dreams lol. But I find a mirror and look at it and my reflection is very young, like maybe 12 or so, and I have acne all over my face. This was interesting because I have had acne my whole life except in childhood, it drove me nuts, now I have significantly reduced my acne since listening to subliminals and morphic frequencies, I have almost completely removed it, now I’m healing the scars. I have theories of the child appearance, in short I’ve been having a lot of childhood dreams and I think the broad message is to be more like my child self where I dreamed big, created, and was into life.

Anyways, I tried to manifest something to eat, but it wasn’t working again then I started to feel that I was losing grip on the dream and woke up shortly after. The lucid part of the dream felt like only a minute, so I hope to get it longer overtime. Also, I didn’t expect so little control. It’s a strange feeling where you have some control, but it is like a chess game with your subconscious, you have to play along with it to get what you want. I wonder if running the subliminals overnight influences this? Like the subconscious is trying to process this message and I was completely derailing it, so it was trying to get me back on track? Before in the few random lucid dreams I experienced, I usually just went with the flow, and this is the first time I had a strict mission to accomplish so that may also be the reason why I had such resistance.


#7

Week 3
This post catches my journal up now.

  • While running Ultimate Artist and drawing for the first time in a while, I noticed that I was more “carefree” in sketching. Usually I would have multiple layers in photoshop and be cautious to erase things etc. This really hinders creativity and using paper is a nice way to force you to not do this, however it is easy to fall into this kind of thing on Photoshop. So it was a nice change of pace, like more confidence in trying and failing but usually producing good results in the end from that confidence.

  • Sometimes I take pictures of my back to see my workout progress as you can’t see it that well and I have to say I was really surprised and proud of my progress. I’ve been working out for many years now but always needed to push farther. Now looking upon the pics I couldn’t believe it was me, I felt like my goals have already been achieved. It’s hard to explain, like being blind to my own success. But I have also made more progress the past year with adding subs and binurals to my workouts so that has for sure contributed too. How can a person be happy with life if they can’t even see the good things in front of their face? So I’m glad this kind of thinking is breaking away already!

  • In general I am recognizing assets and qualties that I already have that are attractive and valuable. Just like above I would usually have a “Yeah, that’s nice but…” attitude.

  • Eye twitching appears to have slowed down, hasn’t completely stopped though.

  • I found I needed a lot more sleep than usual this week, like usually 9 hours or more. Maybe my schedule is all messed from the virus lock down, but I think playing the subs over night influenced this too.

  • I’m going to do a dopamine detox every Sunday, starting today. I came across this idea on youtube. The goal is to make the day as “boring” as possible and embrace it, so no social media, cellphones, internet, games, movies and even music. I’ll also try to stay away from any sweets :drooling_face::persevere:. I’ll spend the day reading, relaxing, cleaning, organizing, exercising and maybe working on my projects. I’m still debating about the last one as I would like to make it so working on the projects creates dopamine, so it could be best to stay away. Once it becomes less necessary from the healing, I’ll for sure use it as a work day. I realized it is kind of a Sabbath, I used to do my own little Sabbath’s in my serious Christian days and now that I think of it, taking part was pretty recharging. I’ll be sure to take this as serious as John Goodman’s character in the Big Lebowski lol.

I think I’m actually going to post daily updates now. I find that when posting updates, I feel a sort of pressure that I can’t post nothing, so this encourages me to do the most I can in a day so I have something to report. Kinda silly, but I’ll take it!

Logging out now, or I’ll be breaking my rules for today. Have a great day guys!


#8

I found it interesting forcing myself to slowdown. It really exposes how much the mind wanders and needs some kind of stimulation. I think it was the right choice to not work on my projects as I would be in that active focused state. I know this may sound counter productive, like I’m not taking action, but I feel like I’m emptying the glass to later fill it with cleaner water. It also got me pondering the questions: What am I if I strip away all hobbies, talent, passions and routines? Am I still the same person? Do I have the same value? If the answer is yes, then why are those things so important to me that I feel they define me? I don’t have a solid answer for the last question yet.

All in all, this will be a good day to do things that I don’t typically want to do, but still go 100% as I’m achieving another goal that I find more important along with completing those tasks, like a trick I’m pulling on myself.

I of course listened to my stack during the day but also played them along with sapien medicine’s overcome addiction which focuses on the dopamine receptors. The highlight of the day was getting back into Neville Goddard. I wanted to continue his book for months now, but always got busy with other things, so that was nice. I take long to consume his work because I usually have to re-read the lines and sink it in.


#9

Today was a pretty productive day, feels like the intelligence from Stark is kicking in. It was pretty easy to get in focus on what I need to do. You know how they say it takes 20 mins to get into the zone? Well with stark it was more like 5 mins. I spent around 2-3 hours on my project while working on a more complicated function that could typically take me ~6 hours. It’s hard to say for sure how long it would have took, but my process was very fluid, like I had the vision of what I needed to do and didn’t have to try this, test, try that, test… I pretty much built the core function in one go then tested it and it worked, then just added the secondary parts.

I feel like I came up with a creative solution to this problem too, while before I could have tunnel vision on the original idea that won’t end up working. It’s this sense of “this can be done better!” and axing what won’t work before you get too deep into it. Also I wonder if stark can influence manifesting solutions? Like I’ve been finding it easier to google solutions to any hurdles that I encountered lately and find just the answer I need, sometimes it even led me to what I really needed but wasn’t exactly what I was searching for.

As for dreams, so far I haven’t had another lucid dream. But I’ve gone 4 nights in a row now where I remembered at least one dream. That’s the most since switching to dreams, but still hasn’t hit my 5 day record back in March. I’m still damn tired when I wake up in the morning though. It’s funny… before these subs, I wasn’t tired when waking up but wasn’t that motivated to get up, now I’m really tired but want to get up and get things done. The energy comes back though so this doesn’t bother me too much.


#10

So this day wasn’t as eventful, was more focused on bug fixing, balancing and polishing the thing from yesterday. The days you build things are more exciting lol.

Anyways an advantage I’ve realized of using SubClub instead of ones on youtube (other than the obvious quality) is I used to always cycle though different channels and try to find the next best thing. So much time wasted doing that and reading comments, instead of actually living and taking action. I never stuck with any one creator because I often questioned if they even know what they’re doing. Especially once you realize the majority of creators are a bunch of kids. It’s just nice to have full confidence in a sub creator and just let it run and live.

I have to be careful to not fall into that on these forums too, so I’ve been trying to limit myself to look here at the end of the day once I’ve completed all I want.

I saw a lot of people talk about angel numbers while running StarkQ. I also see them. However, I actually started seeing them before using the subs here. They could have came from a crazy subliminal booster on youtube that layered affirmations trillions of times as they claimed, that plus maybe trying out semen retention. Since dropping those subs, I was wondering if I would still see them, now I think I see them even more with stark. I wasn’t a believer in them either, I thought people were just actively looking for them. However, with me I don’t see them if I actively look for them, they just randomly appear when checking the time, stopping a video, seeing the like count etc. 111 and 444 are the most common for me.

A lot of people say this is a message from the universe or synchronicity but I also wonder if another possibility is that people say subs cause this so it manifests it? For example, if the community instead said you’ll see a lot more cats while using subs, then would people be seeing images of cats everywhere because of that strong community belief? Kind of like a Neville Goddard assumption to manifestation. This is probably incorrect but an interesting thought.

5 nights in a row for dreams. Almost didn’t remember this one and then suddenly it came back. I saw saints comment on the tester lucid dreaming with the maximum setting StarkQ, I need to get me some of that haha.


#11
  • Experiencing more frustration with my project, just one of those issues with the solution eluding me right now. How easy things seemed Monday is what is annoying me the most, like the potential is being dangled in front of me. Maybe I’m more naturally built for the task I did on Monday and this math-y bug fixing just isn’t my cup of tea. I think Stark may also be pushing me with thinking of “I didn’t do enough today.”

  • My eye twitching has almost completely faded. I think I just got a bit of it for a short while in the Morning. I’m still unsure if it was from the season change or the subs. Seems logical the tiredness from the subs could be linked.

  • Got up to six dreams in a row, so breaking records for me now. :slight_smile: This one too almost lost me but suddenly came back as I kept thinking about it, first through the feelings, then single images or symbols which then expanded into the whole story. I also found some correlating symbols that I’ve had in other dreams too, I really liked this idea in the dream diary that came with it btw. I never thought of dreams that way till I read that.

  • I decided to do some experimentation tonight and see what happens. I took dreams and filtered out everything but the ultrasonic part and will play this ultrasonic edit in my night playlist in between each major program of my stack (S-D-S-D-UA-D). I know these tracks are optimized to work along with the visualization exercises, but I am too curious of a person to not test this. If I don’t notice much difference tonight or tomorrow night I’ll probably go back to the regular stack.


#12

I didn’t notice much difference by the test last night in terms of improving dream vividness or lucidity. However, I think starting with the dream ultrasonic at night knocked me out pretty quick. I also came close to forgetting again and then remembered, coincidentally once I looked on my phone, dreams was the track that was playing as I was getting up. I also slept in pretty late, so maybe doing this keeps you in sleep mode longer.

My dream was a crazy one too. At one point was hunted down by Hank from braking bad. He had a bunch of crossbowmen and I was at a corn field or something. So he ordered them to randomly shoot 20 arrows in each direction. Of course I get hit and pierced. Don’t remember much after that. Trust me, the project I’m working on doesn’t involve cooking.

But in all seriousness, I’m starting to think some of my frustrations lately could be because I’m ignoring ultimate artist while doing this more technical stuff. I don’t need to art stuff as much right now but I’m thinking of ways to have more of a balance, because I don’t want to use just Stark and then add UA later. Maybe I’ll just draw some stuff unrelated to this project for a bit to get some satisfaction. On Monday my work was using creative and technical thinking, so I think I got a nice synergy going on with the subliminals there.


#13

So I had an intense dream last night should help me refocus my self-healing efforts. It came with some strong feelings of anger and frustration.

Basically there was this machine that would simulate this outbreak of these zombie-dinosaur-monster things that multiply and destroy the world. I keep running the simulation to try to defeat them but they win every time. I eventually give up in anger and end it, causing me to wake up.

I believe my subconscious is venting that no matter how many attempts (simulations) that I make to fix my life, the problems (monsters) will always grow too fast and out grow my attempts to fix them, like an unstoppable force, and I’ll always loose in the end. It’s then saying the real solution is to give up and “end the simulation.” So there’s some intense resistance going on here, I feel at odds with my subconscious right now because I don’t feel this way and am actually feeling pretty positive.

Running the subliminal is for sure beating the hornet’s nest now and I feel I need to put some more effort on personal healing rather than working on my stuff. I came across someone here mentioning EMDR as something that really helped them while listening to sublminals so I tried this video a couple days ago and had good results: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DALbwI7m1vM

If you’re interested in how it works, there’s a top comment that explains it well. Just keep your eyes on the ball and focus on the bad memory and feeling it makes. So I’ll be trying to do this daily on anything I think is preventing my subconscious from moving forward. The first time I used it, I actually came up with a more positive alternative perspective of the memory and even had some laughs about it.

I’ll be ending my dreams experiment today too and go back to listening to the regular supercharger before sleep. Running it during the night must produce a lot of melatonin because I get that drowsy melatonin feeling in the morning. I’d totally recommend this to someone with insomnia though. I’m also thinking of sleeping without subs and then put them on upon waking up halfway through the night. So I get that uninterrupted healing at the start of sleep and have subs influence the more processing part of your sleep later on. Hoping this will help keep my energy up and it may even help with dream recall and vividness.


#14

StarkQ: Terminus: Activate :man_dancing:
I was very excited to hop on Stark Q: Terminus today! I’m running that and UA once a day and will adjust this as I feel is necessary. I’m planning on shifting when I play the tracks around too. Right now it’s the masked during the day, but I’m also going to try in the evening before bed and then try at night. My interest here is to see if it influences dreams at all.

  • My head was feeling heavy by the end of listening to SQT this afternoon. Not really a headache but a kind of pressure in the brain near the ears. I don’t recall feeling that with StarkQ ever. Probalby going longer would have become uncomfortable.

  • Another interesting thing is I was really hungry. I didn’t do a workout today either but my metabolism was going crazy. I’ll see if that is just a fluke as sometimes I just have really hungry days, but if this stays constant, I would assume it is SQT doing this.

  • I didn’t do much work today, so unfortunately not much to report in that area.

  • As for dreams, I wasn’t able to remember any dreams last night, but remembering at least one dream for 8 nights in a row is a new high record for me. I hope SQT will give me a big boost in this area if it’s the same Stark file that Saint was private testing earlier.

  • When I stopped the overnight playing last night, it still didn’t improve my tiredness in the morning. Maybe it will take a few days to recharge?

Tomorrow is my dopamine detox day and now I won’t be playing any subliminals on that day either. I’ll end the day with a week summary post here though. That’s all folks!


#15

Week 4
This is my weekly summary post where I noticed differences forming throughout the week rather than just in one day. I’ll also add little things that didn’t need a whole post of their own.

  • Overall, I felt more pressure to get things done. It was a bit of a roller coaster of big highs of things just working out and frustrating lows arising when not meeting my expectations.

  • Noticed that I don’t have as much of that inner pep-talk that I had in week 1-2. I think this could be because I wasn’t doing as much in those weeks. Just waiting for something to happen, so it’s like the sub refocused on different things, such as working on my inner thoughts to be more positive and think of reasons why I have trouble in some social situations.

  • Still not getting too much social experience right now but I have noticed that I can be a bit wittier and think of things to say quicker. You may also notice my tone changing in my posts. They’re much more playful in some areas. So if I make a bad joke, you can blame StarkQ for that.

  • Had an interesting short dream earlier this week about literally using the subliminal to improve vocabulary and utilize more descriptive words.

  • I’m pretty sure I’ve been typing while looking at screen more. This has been a long-time bad habit for me. In high school, I almost failed keyboarding lmao.

  • Speaking of this, I usually am lazy and just use auto correct for spelling to quickly fix typing errors. But now, I feel an urge to actually think about the solution and fix it manually.

  • I haven’t noticed people that I know well treat me differently yet.

  • I don’t think I did enough art focused work this week to utilize the benefit of Ultimate Artist.

  • I mentioned this before, but music still is very powerful on the emotions. Especially music that brings up nostalgic memories. There were even some songs that I skipped because I thought the feels would be too strong.

As for Today:
My detox went well. At first, I felt a bit lost: What to do? What to do? But eventually found things to catch up on. However, I failed at my no music rule without even realizing it. Was first listening to binaural beats while working out but then felt like music near the end.

  • I was reading some more Neville today. This stuck out to me: “Live your life in a sublime spirit of confidence and determination; disregard appearances, conditions, in fact all evidence of your senses that deny the fulfillment of your desire. Rest in the assumption that you are already what you want to be…” The reason is that this is how Stark can make me feel, usually in the morning upon waking. Especially this morning. If I can get good at consciously directing where that goes to, then I feel the results will greatly accelerate.

  • I was pretty weak in my workout. Like some of my muscles felt fatigued as if I had already worked out. I’m not sure if maybe Stark has some auto workout scripts? It could connect with the hunger I had yesterday.

  • I did not remember any dreams again. I’m thinking this could be because of how much I have changed in my listening schedule lately, so now there is time needed for reprocessing. I also still needed a lot of sleep with just the one loop yesterday.

  • I was able to get really into DREAMS last night though. It almost felt as impactful as my first night listening. I find as I keep listening, I get used to the questions, so they don’t hit my emotions as hard as time goes on. However, I think another cause was my total exhaustion when going to bed, so I didn’t feel like paying attention as much. Last night I wasn’t as tired, likely from listening to only one loop. So I was able to focus more and let the visualizations and questions hit harder.


#16

I had 3 dreams last night so it looks like things are kicking back into gear. I think a big reason for this was I woke up multiple times last night so was able to record dreams each time. While before when listening overnight, it was like a horse tranquilizer and I didn’t wake up til morning.

One dream was this kind of self healing course. I don’t remember too much details but I think I thought there was something off with the place and was also trying to expose them. One time I was digging though a deep freezer that contained files of people’s past, maybe my files were in there too. I thought this was a neat metaphor my subconscious came up with for preserved memories.

The next was in a way a continuation of my reflection lucid dream from weeks ago. I wasn’t lucid this time though. But I did look in a mirror and was around my current age this time. However, this time I looked very beautiful, clear skin, perfect teeth, incredibly joyful smile. An odd thing though is my face was a bit feminine. I think what makes sense here is my subconscious is getting a more positive self image of how I look and I find women attractive, so it is showing that symbolically by making me more feminine lol. Feel like saying to it, “You can be weird sometimes, bro.”

Finally the last was the hunted becoming the hunter. Last week I had a few dreams of being pierced by arrows, hunted down and torn apart. Now things have flipped around and this dream was like Shadow of the Colossus where I was hunting these gigantic serpents. Then upon killing them you get upgrade items. The last were these dragon wings but I was too low level to even pick them up. Maybe that part means I’m still not ready to take on big roles, like still not the level of a “dragon”, but am fully capable to take action on other things to work my way toward that.

I don’t usually share every dream but I wanted to this time because these ones seem like a turning point for me, especially the combined themes of self healing + improved self image + taking back my power. Looking forward to this week! Oh and may the 4th be with you.


#17

So this is a hard one, but probably my most important post for me so far…

A few posts ago I mentioned doing EMDR on one of my memories that has troubled me. I’ve since reflected some more on that memory and have finally realized how much that event has fucked with my head. I’ve never really taken it that seriously because on paper it doesn’t seem that bad. Unfortunately, as a child who was already in a vulnerable state, I attached so much beliefs along with it.

The core of these beliefs were:

  1. Don’t EVER be yourself. Only be yourself around people that you already know have accepted you. If you fail at this, you risk complete, permanent rejection and ostracization from society.

  2. Always wait for others to reach out to you and let them lead, because if you reach out, you will completely mess it up.

So that’s some heavy shit to haul around your whole life. And hauled it I did. Into my teens, these beliefs made social life pretty hard. I had friends, but it was a small group. I didn’t really do too much fun things either, then when I was finally starting to let loose, high school was almost over. These beliefs stacked up even more too, “You’re an outcast. You’re unlovable.”

Then my lack of social experience from high school carried over into adulthood, where I did terribly in job interviews. They probably thought I’m insincere, hiding something or just plain weird. In reality, I’m terrified of being rejected, so I try to be what I think they’ll want me to be. However, lying and manipulating isn’t my thing, so in the end I just go blank. New belief, “You’re a failure. You’re awkward.” I also become a yes-man-people-pleaser who always undersells his skills. Enter, “You’re worthless.” I just plain avoid social interactions because that is more convenient and safe, “You’re invisible.”

You can see this creates a snowball effect where more and more “evidence” and false beliefs stack up to bring me where I am today. The main reason why I gave Neville Goddard’s teachings any consideration is that my situation in life completely reflected how I’ve been seeing myself throughout the years. So not only did these beliefs ruin my self image and confidence, they could have manifested the life I’m living today.

I’m frustrated and angry that this one moment could have changed me so much. I even feel remorse, as if a piece of me was killed before it could even live. At the core it was just a big misunderstanding, a kid not knowing any better, looking for some attention and friendship in a place of judgemental hypocrites. I’m glad this is all unraveling though, the fact that I’m even posting this is huge progress for me. I can see it was already starting weeks ago where I was talking about my dislike for small talk, and that was just the tip of the iceberg.

Wish I could go back to that little kid, show him some kindness, then explain what really happened. I can’t imagine who I would’ve become. At least now I got these subs and this community though, that’s the next best thing. Thank you!


#18

@Fractal,

I’d been in touch with an EMDR software maker in recent weeks, and this guy is allowing people to download his for free during the Corona virus. I know you were using YT before.

www.gowiththat.com

Be easy on yourself with it.


#19

Wow this is really neat, thanks! I’m totally going to use this.


#20

Gonna try to keep this one shorter, I still want to finish more things before calling it.

I feel a kind of relief now that I have more focus on what my core limiting beliefs are. Before I used to always wonder, “What the hell is wrong with me?” But never have a concrete answer. That’s no fun, it’s pretty much driving blindfolded. Now that the blindfold is getting pulled off, I just have to figure out where I am and navigate in the correct direction.

I have an urge to play a second loop of SQT today (it just feels weird playing one lol), however I had another of my “on the run from the po-po” kind of dreams, so I’m deciding to wait. I always see these as internal conflicts and the powers I’m fighting is the old way. My subconscious is basically pissed that it has to get out of it’s comfort zone and sees this as being rebellious and something to fear.

I finally figured out the bug in the project I was working on. Now I can move on to other parts and pick up progress again. It of course was something stupidly simple to fix once I figured out what it was. It’s starting to become an actual thing now. I have to be careful here, because this part is usually where I start loosing interest and give up. All those questions of: will this even work? will this even sell? will I even finish? etc. This is where I’m really depending on the subliminals to shut that up and help me follow through haha.