Soul Search - My first diary ever

Journals - Major Programs
#41

Foundational is a big issue for me, when I was 3yo my father dodged me out of his life on a phone call saying ‘sorry sir wrong number’, as a boy this had and still is having a great impact in my psyche, so there’s lots of various emotional knots that built up over time that need untying.

It has made my relationship with guys very difficult, it’s very hard for me to receive love from men so it’s hard to trust men and make guy friends, so I end up feeling more comfortable with women but that also messes up my relationship with women in the sense that I can easily be friend with them but entering into romantic and sexual relationship is much harder.

So I need to release and rewire lots of stuff, my life’s work, I’ll get there eventually.

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#42

I listened to Sanguine before bed last night and this morning Phoenix and one minute of KB1 for extra punch.

I’ve had 3 days off subs in which the bloom felt very strong, stronger than actual listening days, as the subconscious starts to execute the objectives of the subs and they are integrated they are felt even more powerfully in my life.

I’m going through a rough time now, as the layers of my onion are getting peeled off, deeper blockages that need release are showing up and it’s getting more and more tricky and uncomfortable, just as the good times are going beyond any good times I’ve ever had in my entire life so do the painful times.

I listen to quite some inspirational videos on youtube, mostly energy reading, tarot kind of things and channeling material to stay in touch with the latest news on earth from higher perspectives.

My outer life circumstances are pretty good but I’m still very unsatisfied with how much of my true potential I have access to. My goal and really destiny is to work with healing others and that will come with opening my natural abilities which is not like learning a new skill but remembering everything that I’ve been through and all the skills I’ve developed throughout the many lifetimes on earth and other forms of being.

So I’m being patient and trusting in the process of unfolding that is this lifetime of mine, I am aware there are intricacies and a “divine timing” at play that my higher self has planned out so I would be able to enjoy the ride without too much negative experiences, so far so good, I thank my awakened self and everyone and everything in the universe and beyond for existing the way it does.

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#43

Spring is in full bloom, my cat is in bliss!

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#44

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#45

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#46

ah yes high quality content very delicious
I just imagine you squatting and taking a picture of your kitty 99% of the time like :

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#47

I love natives!

Come and get your Love!

#48

I’m hitting serious recon at work, not so cool, I do food deliveries by bike so being around lots of people while feeling extremely vulnerable and shaky emotionally is quite the experience, I’m sitting on the sidewalk waiting for food from a nice african restaurant right now and I just want to retreat and hide.

It’s not so bad as it sounds but it still feels like I can break with the slightest emotional poke.

I slightly overdid the subs yesterday and had the interesting experience of hitting 100% capacity on my subconscious processing queue, I never felt it so clearly before.

So it’s to be expected that today is a rodeo!!

#49

I need to focus more on learning and growing from my own experiences instead of other’s.

I need to change the way I care for others and for myself.

Not as much a change as a recalibration of priorities and perceptions, like a soundboard slide needs to be readjusted in proper balance.

My own sense of existence, my sense of self and the sense the world around me holds for me.

From what I just finished writing above I conclude that I’m going through deep shit.

#50

Strong urge to do a 360 on my stack soon, let go of the soft approach with these healing loving positive subs and go head on tackling the deep uncomfortable shit on the physical and sexual levels with KBst1, LotS and BDLM.

Primal would be better instead of BDLM because I don’t need a bigger shlong but an increased focus on sexuality, discovery and freedom of expression.

I don’t own that sub yet and finances are tighter than ever so I have to let that sink in a little.

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#51

Minutes after writing the above, something I read from @Parsifal a while back just hit me.

Something along the line that Phoenix helped him get more in touch with his deeper needs and guide him to a new stack of subs.

It’s happening to me too seems like.

Edit: KB1 + LotS and sticking to LB could synergize amazing with KB

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#52

BDLM for deep uncomfortable shit?

Primal sounds really nice to get in touch with raw tamed masculinity. Next cycle I’ll focus on my new Custom, with LB and KB3 on the side.

After that, perhaps I rotate LB out for Primal. At least for a few cycles. Or rotate then regularly.
I feel deep down, that I’m missing this Primal side of me.

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#53

Indirectly it can assist yes, it brings more energy to the sexual system and confidence in that area, I felt more heat down there and more grounded when I listened to it.

After your thorough run of KB I bet Primal is gonna flow smoothly.

I need to hold off Primal for now, I need to clear a lot of sexual stuff first or Primal will be recon hell and I won’t be able to execute much.

I’m also tempted by GL Masculinity, I know you ran it, would you mind sharing with me a quick resume of its effects for you?

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#54

Sorry to disappoint. Never ran GLM. Also considering it for the future, but not in the next time.

BDLM is supposed to heal your relationship to your best friend iirc. So, if you got issues there, run it. But I’d guess that KB1 will clean this as well.

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#55

After two days rest, I’m launching my new stack this morning with a 3:33 loop of KB1 and 3:33 of LB.

Holy fuck KB is intense!

I did some chanting afterwards, it was more powerful than usual and helped spread out and integrate all this extra energy I’m feeling.

This is going to be a ride.

I’m starting to do very light workout everyday, mostly pushups and squats.

Tomorrow rest day and then a full loop of LotS.

I bought this sub 6 months ago but never tried it, I’m looking forward to it.

#56

The loop of KB1 I did this morning is pushing me to my edges, the powerful extra energy available is accelerating and intensifying the process of facing my limitations.

Shit is getting real, I’m surprised because so far my journey has been mostly comfortable, this sub is pushing my limits of comfort in a very obvious way.

I just said the same thing three times now in three different ways so that should be enough written words for my future self to get it :sunny:

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#57

Best Friends!

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#58

First loop 10min of LotS and 3:33 loop of KB1 this Sunday morning.

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#59

15min Love Bomb in the morning and 15min LotS in the afternoon.

it’s my second loop of LotS and I’m really liking it. Light workout again today.

Love Bomb is smooth as cream, so smooth that I didn’t even feel its effects like I usually do from subs.

Received bad news from work, they keep tightening rules for employees like me, they do it to make ‘freelancing’ contracts more appealing, no breaks allowed anymore for shifts of under 5h, less flexibility in choosing work hours, etc.

I like the job for now but I would really like to start doing healing work countryside shaman-like and disconnect from this big profit driven german corporation.

It will come but I have to be patient, there’s lots of moving pieces and a lot is going on in the background on the etheric planes, my time has not come just yet, there are still things I need to integrate, dark underground powers I need to get more in touch with and own etc.

I’m thinking of dropping Khan Black because I don’t like the way it affects me. I will run another loop after tomorrow and see, I might just go on with 2 subs for now, or listen to it only once a week.

I read the objectives of Primal again and it resonates a lot with the direction I want to take my life for this summer. I’m waiting for more money to come in to purchase it because I am living with so little at the moment since my trip to India. I even asked for a refund on Sanguine since I didn’t like it and I can’t afford to have a sub I won’t use or need at the moment, I don’t think I’ll get it because it was just passed 30 days.

Last month I had only the equivalent of 30 dollars left on my account and this month I only have 250 left for the next 3 weeks, I have no savings, nothing else except my car to take me to work, I never had so little in my life, it’s kind of exciting and a little scary. I was homeless for 6 months when I was 18 but that’s a different story, I never had so little since I started a more regular work life.

I went for a walk with my cat this evening watching the sunset by the fjord, it was gorgeous and I can hardly believe this is my life. I wish I took a picture to post it here but I didn’t take my phone, next time I will.

My friend is a dance artist and she just left on a 3 day tour so I have the whole place for myself but as much as I enjoy her presence a lot, I feel so much peace and spaciousness since she left, like a weight has been lifted off the space, I am so freaking sensitive to energies, it’s a blessing but really also a curse.

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#60

It’s interesting how guys feel drawn to Primal while running LB. Me as well.

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