That’s true and fair enough. Yet, I feel that the work that you’re doing/have done on facing yourself, being honest, and trying to take responsibility for yourself and your life is yielding maturity and insights. Much of that will transfer into a relationship should you choose to explore that kind of a bonding situation.
I think @Spartan says it excellently in this post:
And so on.
Probably a little too long for a tattoo, but I am tempted.
You might mean something else here in general, or it was a response to NewLease, but in the context of cheating in this thread this response feels VERY off.
Because, in my honest opinion, there is NO, not a SINGLE reason to ever take blame for your partner cheating (unless you done it yourself).
We all make mistakes, many, big ones, but for me, cheating is 100% out of the question always. It’s also THE ONLY reason to divorce in a Christian context. Think about ti, besides death.
Dante put betrayal one rung above Satan in the circles of hell.
Yes, there are evil things people do to each other, but the magnitude of betrayal to a person that truly loved you is unmatched in my eyes.
I totally take blame for many things I did wrong in the relationship, and @RagnarLothbrok probably as well, but then the other person ends the relationship or divorces or whatnot, BEFORE being with someone else. It’s a truly SIMPLE thing to do.
I get why some people do it, they operate from their own wounds, from their own pain, and dont think twice about it. But that doesnt make it right and definitely is no reason in my eyes, to look at the victim there.
Now, as I said, there is LOTS to learn from such an experience, as I did. But it nothing to do with the cheating, it was a catalyst, maybe even NECESSARY to wake me up for all I know.
And again, Malkuth, maybe you didn’t mean this at all, and knowing you, you probably didn’t, this was more aimed at Ragner and any other victim of this to not blame themselves too much.
I talked about the victim position above, sometimes its valid, sometimes its a control mechanism.
TL;DR:
We are all responsible for many things going wrong in our relationships, but the partner cheating is NEVER your fault.
Yes. You read me a little bit wrong.
But that’s understandable.
I did use the word ‘blame’ in my post. And so that probably triggered your reaction.
I also used the word ‘cheated’. But I put it in quotes. Those quotes are to indicate that I, (as in ME, me personally), somewhat challenge that concept itself. I think there should be a better word than that.
To me, it’s a little complicated.
Right at the moment, when you’ve gotten hit in the face and stabbed in the gut is probably not the time to delve into those complications.
Deal with the crisis first, survive, get through it, move on. But sooner or later, it will be time to return to things with greater nuance. For me, anyway. That’s a personal choice. I am a person who needs to investigate and understand people. It’s an unfinishable task, and, often, a nasty task. I don’t always do it. Sometimes, I can’t stand it. But I usually end up coming back to it.
I challenge the word ‘cheating’.
People break agreements. We show cowardice and dishonor. We are incompetent in understanding, managing, and communicating about our hearts and our minds.
All of those are true.
And it’s not your ‘fault’ when someone else does those things. Just as it is not someone else’s ‘fault’ when you do those things.
(Clearly, I’m not just talking about romantic relationships here. I’m talking about ALL broken agreements. All cowardice. All dishonor. All incompetence in communication. All incompetence about our hearts and minds. The specific versions of these related to sex and pair-bonding are not different, just more intense, because of the deep needs, instincts, and emotions that they involve.)
I have, personally, experienced and felt this pain. But it has not changed my view. It has actually shaped my views.
Cards on the table:
To me, humans are very impressive apes. So I probably differ there already from most people.
But as far as I’m concerned that’s what we’re working with.
Another basic point:
Life survives by eating life.
No philosophy or practice has, to my knowledge, ever changed this fact.
That doesn’t make us evil. But it should (in my opinion) make us humble. Even while we continue to fight. (And we do need to fight.)
And just to add a little context, I agree with just about everything Bill Burr says in this video. (The thumbnail as usual is mainly empty clickbait.)
Been on my mind for few months now. Fascinating isn’t it. It’s like… recycling of the material matter. Ever changing. It’s quite “fucked up” and that kind of makes it funny
Really good thoughts here, as well as compassion and empathy.
Well, dude. What now?
How about an offline journal with what lessons you’ve learned over the years about relationships?
How about documenting early warning signs? (Perhaps such things as treating you with indifference, or disregarding what you want/need from her, or demanding things from you.)
My philosophy when I’m going through something shitty or breaking a habit is to pick the sub here that gives me the worst recon ever. The shittiest recon. Like a Khan ST1 + DR: Phoenix or something crazy.
I won’t run those under normal circumstances. I love running them when my life is already in flames, because what’s a little more pain? That way the time is properly utilized. Optimization. Bad times are the best time for foundational stacks.
Hope you find a better love bro. You will find her.
