In general, we seem to require our romantic partners to bring more self-awareness and self-responsibility to the relationship than we are able to bring.
We give away our power, our self-sovereignty, and sometimes our integrity, in exchange for what we predict will be an All-You-Can-Eat buffet of pleasure, security, acceptance, and approval.
Then when that unrealistic expectation inevitably fails, we feel ‘cheated’, and blame everything except for our own lack of understanding.
We select them to mirror our own inner wounds, but both partners are blaming each other for wounding them. Its the ‘dance of the emotionally wounded’ (Rosenberg, R, 2020) and if we’re not careful, we’ll gladly volunteer for another spin on the dancefloor.
A need to please others out of insufficient love, care and attention create these dances. The way out is either exhausting yourself dancing or with blood stained feet, saying “enough” and reach for the towel.
We’re all babies inside ehehehe
I’m so thankful that we can always at least talk together as people. The world is so complicated and we all just want to be happy. Shit happens. You hurt the ones you love the most, you stop loving those you did yesterday. And that’s life. Sometimes you can reconcile sometimes you don’t. Hate only helps as a weapon. Blame is a lost opportunity for learning. Pain is normal.
And I know I know nothing
But it is certainly better to have someone you get to share life with happily than being alone.
@Spartan Just want to say, I’ve seen you post plenty of good or insightful comments on here.
Maybe there are people older/wiser/more experienced than you, but you do yourself (and your subconscious) a disservice every time you say “I know nothing”.
At least replace it with “I’m always learning something new”. You deserve it 
Have you seen the new Inner Circle? It’s a beast, lol.
With this enhanced discernment, you’ll never have to deal with toxic people (not just romantic partners) ever again.
Another option is to run Heartsong until you attract your ideal romantic partner.
If you run Inner Circle or Heartsong, I think you will end up healing those detrimental traumas and patterns along the way.
I do it on purpose. I want to always remember that I know nothing. So I can always keep my mind open to new ideas and make sure I don’t feed my ego. Keep my feet on the ground. Everything is an illusion in a way. So… I dont actually know anything : ) and that’s okay. I’m just guessing. We all are in a way. Reality is relative. And hopefully I’m guessing in a way that will allow me to reap the most fruits. Walla oooo ooo thank you brother I’m thankful you feel that way.
I’m like the opposite. Someone could put the buffet right in front of my face and I’d be like “nope, I’m good that food doesn’t look real”. A promise of a buffet will scare me away more than the absence of one.
Ouch. That hurts. I feel you. I hear you. I see you. I’m here with you.
Ragnar, it feels like something in you, maybe a part that’s still holding the weight of all this, is asking to be seen. Not judged. Not analyzed.
Just witnessed, in the background, without pressure.
You don’t have to drop your edge. You don’t have to shift anything.
This part gets to exist too.
Translation:
‘I’m not in a relationship right now.
(And when I do get into one, I’ll communicate my unrealistic expectations in complicated, ambivalent ways.)’
That’s my facetious way of saying that this pattern, (of mental projection and unrealistic expectations), appears to be somewhat non-negotiable.
We can suppress it, bury it, pretend it’s not there, et cetera.
So far, the best way I’ve seen to relate to it is to acknowledge it with wary humility. Like an important but drunk friend or relative who is going to make a disturbance periodically.
This, to me, is the literal truth.
This is honestly my biggest fear because of what you said here.
I genuinely don’t know what those expectations are because I’ve never been in a close enough relationship for them to show up. It’s like sure I can believe I’m healthy, but am I really? Who knows. And that’s unsettling to me.
That’s true and fair enough. Yet, I feel that the work that you’re doing/have done on facing yourself, being honest, and trying to take responsibility for yourself and your life is yielding maturity and insights. Much of that will transfer into a relationship should you choose to explore that kind of a bonding situation.
I think @Spartan says it excellently in this post:
And so on.
Probably a little too long for a tattoo, but I am tempted.
You might mean something else here in general, or it was a response to NewLease, but in the context of cheating in this thread this response feels VERY off.
Because, in my honest opinion, there is NO, not a SINGLE reason to ever take blame for your partner cheating (unless you done it yourself).
We all make mistakes, many, big ones, but for me, cheating is 100% out of the question always. It’s also THE ONLY reason to divorce in a Christian context. Think about ti, besides death.
Dante put betrayal one rung above Satan in the circles of hell.
Yes, there are evil things people do to each other, but the magnitude of betrayal to a person that truly loved you is unmatched in my eyes.
I totally take blame for many things I did wrong in the relationship, and @RagnarLothbrok probably as well, but then the other person ends the relationship or divorces or whatnot, BEFORE being with someone else. It’s a truly SIMPLE thing to do.
I get why some people do it, they operate from their own wounds, from their own pain, and dont think twice about it. But that doesnt make it right and definitely is no reason in my eyes, to look at the victim there.
Now, as I said, there is LOTS to learn from such an experience, as I did. But it nothing to do with the cheating, it was a catalyst, maybe even NECESSARY to wake me up for all I know.
And again, Malkuth, maybe you didn’t mean this at all, and knowing you, you probably didn’t, this was more aimed at Ragner and any other victim of this to not blame themselves too much.
I talked about the victim position above, sometimes its valid, sometimes its a control mechanism.
TL;DR:
We are all responsible for many things going wrong in our relationships, but the partner cheating is NEVER your fault.
Yes. You read me a little bit wrong.
But that’s understandable.
I did use the word ‘blame’ in my post. And so that probably triggered your reaction.
I also used the word ‘cheated’. But I put it in quotes. Those quotes are to indicate that I, (as in ME, me personally), somewhat challenge that concept itself. I think there should be a better word than that.
To me, it’s a little complicated.
Right at the moment, when you’ve gotten hit in the face and stabbed in the gut is probably not the time to delve into those complications.
Deal with the crisis first, survive, get through it, move on. But sooner or later, it will be time to return to things with greater nuance. For me, anyway. That’s a personal choice. I am a person who needs to investigate and understand people. It’s an unfinishable task, and, often, a nasty task. I don’t always do it. Sometimes, I can’t stand it. But I usually end up coming back to it.
I challenge the word ‘cheating’.
People break agreements. We show cowardice and dishonor. We are incompetent in understanding, managing, and communicating about our hearts and our minds.
All of those are true.
And it’s not your ‘fault’ when someone else does those things. Just as it is not someone else’s ‘fault’ when you do those things.
(Clearly, I’m not just talking about romantic relationships here. I’m talking about ALL broken agreements. All cowardice. All dishonor. All incompetence in communication. All incompetence about our hearts and minds. The specific versions of these related to sex and pair-bonding are not different, just more intense, because of the deep needs, instincts, and emotions that they involve.)
I have, personally, experienced and felt this pain. But it has not changed my view. It has actually shaped my views.
Cards on the table:
To me, humans are very impressive apes. So I probably differ there already from most people.
But as far as I’m concerned that’s what we’re working with.
Another basic point:
Life survives by eating life.
No philosophy or practice has, to my knowledge, ever changed this fact.
That doesn’t make us evil. But it should (in my opinion) make us humble. Even while we continue to fight. (And we do need to fight.)
And just to add a little context, I agree with just about everything Bill Burr says in this video. (The thumbnail as usual is mainly empty clickbait.)
Been on my mind for few months now. Fascinating isn’t it. It’s like… recycling of the material matter. Ever changing. It’s quite “fucked up” and that kind of makes it funny
Really good thoughts here, as well as compassion and empathy.
Well, dude. What now?
How about an offline journal with what lessons you’ve learned over the years about relationships?
How about documenting early warning signs? (Perhaps such things as treating you with indifference, or disregarding what you want/need from her, or demanding things from you.)
My philosophy when I’m going through something shitty or breaking a habit is to pick the sub here that gives me the worst recon ever. The shittiest recon. Like a Khan ST1 + DR: Phoenix or something crazy.
I won’t run those under normal circumstances. I love running them when my life is already in flames, because what’s a little more pain? That way the time is properly utilized. Optimization. Bad times are the best time for foundational stacks.
Hope you find a better love bro. You will find her.
I wanted to reply to this with a bit of an update since I saw it again, and I felt that I left out one crucial detail… In the most successful relationship I ever had, which was over five years
I set the tone properly from day one. Before we had completed our third or fourth date, I told her my one dealbreaker,
under absolutely no exceptions will I ever accept anyone using the relationship as a hostage in arguments, or as a punching bag when she’s in a negative mood.
I told her that I’ll give her a three strike policy because maybe it’s a habit of hers and I don’t want to be callous and break up with her immediately if it ever slipped out
But the very first time that she ever said, something along those lines to me, I took a deep breath, totally changed the tone of the conversation, and said “that was strike one….”
“ Please remember, I don’t ever accept that, I made it a three strike rule because even if you let it out accidentally one more time I don’t want to break up with you, but please don’t ever say that to me again, because my rule is absolute, and if you said that to me and caused me to break up with you, I promise I would be more heartbroken and upset about it than you would be, but it’s the golden rule that I live my relationship life by, so please don’t say that to me again, because I really don’t wanna break up with you”
And it was the best thing that I ever did in my relationship, it didn’t matter how bad we thought, or how bad our anger got, we never used the relationship or each other‘s emotional safety as leverage, which led to us always always always trying to find a solution to the problem that maintain the relationship, not solving the problem by threatening to leave the relationship
It also led to a very good healthy breakup, because when we finally did start talking about the relationship, maybe not being one that would lead to marriage and kids, and forever-ness, it was a serious sombre conversation, with intention, not a threat or an outburst
