@Malkuth Thanks for the welcome back!
It’s definitely something that’s always on my mind. My issue is a routine won’t stick with me unless I feel invited into that routine, if that makes any sense. Meaning I can’t impose routines on myself by sheer force of will, there has to be an aspect of it besides the health benefits that hooks me. Still trying to figure that one out.
You know I might just start with shadowboxing again
Gonna hit up my hardware store after work tomorrow and rig up a tennis ball double end bag to practice punching and head movement. Start this return off right with taking action on the small things i know I can do.
So far my return to Sanguine is good. On V2 right now. One micro loop today helped regulate me enough where I could practice more self care and compassion. This is the type of calm or stability that visits me once in a blue moon and makes me think “oh so this is what life can be like huh?”
I’ve been doing A LOT more with internal communication which has gone a long way for me. But turning down the volume on the anxiety was very hard because multi tasking between a job/responsibilities and regulating your own internal state simultaneously isn’t an easy task. I’ll just say I had a panic attack last weekend that dragged on throughout the week and really messed me up.
I’m not really sure if it’s V2 or the fact that I’ve developed a much more nuanced and connected relationship within me and how to navigate it over these past few weeks. I feel like Sanguine is giving me the ability to take that awareness and communication, but put it on autopilot and operate in the background. But my mind needed the outline or sort of guidelines with how to do that effectively for myself. In any case I’m thankful I’m experiencing this state right now after the hell I’ve been through the past few weeks.
Thinking about it some more, yeah I did need an outline or guide. The skills of emotional regulation weren’t taught to me as a kid. I’m pretty much learning what that is now as an adult with my therapist. So this pretty much confirms my theory that my hard time with subs was due to a deficiency in inner regulation. Not necessarily awareness, I’ve got plenty of that but it only goes so far.
So I did another micro loop this morning with my stack. Feel a bit of overexposure creeping in so I probably wont be doing every day. Will see how every other day goes. Possibly taking two days off now to recover.
I know I’ve screwed up when my desire to be in a certain state of mind causes me to actively push away what I’m really experiencing. I woke up this morning and I just wasn’t feeling great.
My theory was at least that micro loops would open up the possibility of consistent but brief exposure. But as I’m coming to realize there’s a lot more processing that comes with them.
I think I’m gonna add Wanted to my stack. I’m not super obsessed with getting laid or finding a gf so I think just running a sub that helps me feel better in my body would be good. I also really like the overall goals of wanted. Particularly this one really resonates with me
Embrace paradox, imperfections and mysteries of human life without losing the strive for perfection — a quality that is of utmost attractiveness to all.
I think it would also mix well with UA to sort of connect to the more expressive side of myself. I just feel really drawn to this one. Just seems like it would be something nice to explore without a pressure towards reaching some end goal which is what I really need right now in myself to feel better. Getting more attention from women would be a bonus but it’s not something I’m in need of. If anything I’d rather get more comfortable with the idea of women finding me attractive which is a hurdle I still haven’t gotten past.
Rather than banking on Sanguine to set me up for success down the line I figured why not just start now. Life’s too short to keep waiting to be ready for changes.
So new stack.
WANTED
UA
Sanguine
Does Sanguine help much with anxiety and self regulation?
Definitely. A week prior to running sanguine I was having the worst anxiety bordering on panic attacks. Once I started running it again it calmed me down a lot. My anxiety manifests as a feeling of impending doom, like any second things will collapse on me.
Part of that anxiety reduction is because it allows me to self regulate more. Tune into what I’m feeling, why I’m feeling that way, how to de-escalate vs this huge mountain of crushing paralysis that blind sides me.
30s loops seem good for me. I always struggled with 3 minute loops because there was a large buffer before I started processing the script. I feel the 30s loops in under an hour after listening. Just this morning I listened to wanted and found the effect on my mood kicking in about 10 minutes later. Now it’s later in the night and I’ve hit some recon but it’s manageable.
Still not sure if I’ll work my way up to 3 or 5 minutes but right now 30s seems plenty.
Naturally approaching my music again. Not 100% back in it, but it’s easier. I’m organizing my patches and libraries for easier workflow today. Trying to minimize that “crap too many moving parts to keep track of feeling” when creating tracks. ADHD things. Also brainstorming possible better layout for my desk and equipment.
Got some WANTED thought experiments coming in. For most of my life I’ve been the outcast, not really “in”. Also not really having a desire to fit in. So instead of feeling like I’m a loser or something I asked myself what unique characteristics can I leverage to set me apart from the crowd. I know with my music I already have a certain “flavor” to it due to my past and what I’ve been through in life so I’ll be exploring that more.
Entering a new chapter in my life where I take ALL aspects of me and synthesize them into a whole person vs segregating good and bad parts. It’s a learning process. Lots of patterns to undo, but the down to earth vibe of WANTED is helping me let go of perfectionism more. Something I’ve struggled with immensely.
WANTED has me feeling like it’s about when women are incredibly attracted to me and not if. Like it’s coming to my reality soon and I just have to prepare for it. Toss out any of the things that might be blocking me from accepting that life. Like my subconscious saying “prepare yourself for this because it’s coming, you asked for it and now it’s gonna be delivered”.
Some interesting shifts. This is like when Neville talked about living in the end, but with ZP it’s automatic.
That’s with one 30s loop a day ago. Reality pushed through me? Yeah totally feeling that. What’s wild is I’m getting those ZP perception shifts like I did back when it first came out and I was doing 15 minutes. V2 seems to really start breaking down reality for me. I feel like what I’m witnessing in real time in front of me is a projection from my subconscious. Like I feel the subconscious shift in my body and energy, but then it emanates like an electromagnetic wave that influences my surroundings.
Not even about the content of the sub, this new build just seems to tap into something. The mechanics of influencing your reality.
This new ZP is just systematically deconstructing my deeply held beliefs about my own personal reality. It goes deep. I don’t know if it’s the build or since moving to 30s I’m getting the effects of what ZP should have been for me experience wise this whole time.
First off, I got hit with the painful realization this morning as if I’m waking up from a dream, I’ve never actually identified my needs, wants, and pursued them in life. Just fear, trusting others who seemed to know better, and stumbling into some experiences that allowed me to survive. I don’t live as myself 24/7, it only exists in safe spaces in my life and I know that’s wrong. Maybe this is WANTED, but it’s got me feeling like I need to discover more of who I am.
Second, embracing entitlement. No I refuse to work at a job that doesn’t pay me enough, no I’m not going to tolerate crap from people in the perceived social hierarchy above me, no I’m not falling in line with your stupid system that just wants productivity to keep going at the expense of my own well being. Society sure is good at manipulating the hell out of people who have some degree of trauma or deficit in emotional needs. “Do this or else you’re a bad person”. I am my own person, you don’t decide that for me.
I still have a ton of inner work to do and more and more it’s dawning on me that I never took this intuition seriously because nobody around me did. If you don’t solidify who you are, what you want, your values, and boundaries someone else will do it for you. This isn’t a massive conspiracy theory, it’s just a consequence of human nature and it happens every day.
I have to fix the deficits in the past that led me to the future I’m experiencing today. It’s painful because my entire coping strategy was disregarding the past and moving ahead. But that really just puts you on a treadmill not going the place you really want to go.
I’ve spent my entire life telling myself “it wasn’t that bad”. Bad is subjective. If it wasn’t that bad, why would I be in the position I am today? Struggling with the things I do? I didn’t escape my past.
It’s not an easy thing to look back objectively and see that life was robbed of you by circumstances outside of your control at the time. There’s anger, sadness, regret, etc. and you can’t just sweep those away and say “oh well past is past, lets not dwell”. It doesn’t work like that. I still have to make peace with those years of my life as I haven’t done that yet.
I’m surrendering to complete chaos and uncertainty. All my life I’ve tried to find connections, patterns, reasoning, paths. Thinking if I just understood enough I would guarantee myself a life without pain.
There’s nothing right now. All I grew up believing or was taught is being questioned. My personal world makes less and less sense to me from a congruence standpoint. My strategy for survival was intense intellectualizing of everything. I’m realizing trust and faith in oneself comes from having behaviors instilled at a subconscious level and knowing those behaviors bring positive improvements in your life. I didn’t have those. My behaviors kept me shielded, hidden, away. I could never have the thing I wanted because deep down a part of me would never allow it.
Imagine trying to drive a car that always pulls to the right quite hard and you just want to keep it straight. That about sums up my experience of life. Basically the pulling to the right is all the subconscious behavior trying to get me to avoid things. And correcting the car to keep going straight is conscious intervention. Exhausting. I’m not doing this anymore.
I just feel done? Like I’m just completely done with the societal bullshit. My entire structured life and routine up to this point has been a prison for me. So I’m just feeling a massive fuck you coming on to anyone or anything that impedes my progress to living a healthier life and looking after my own needs. Especially when it comes to mental health. Does WANTED have elements of Rogue? This feels very familiar.
I’m collapsing in on myself, but in a good way because this whole facade wasn’t for me. It was for others. If Ascension is fire and confrontation for me. WANTED feels like being ice cold and weaponize apathy against thing things that keep me down.
Questioning if I even need more than one loop of 30s a week. Going to try that out and see how it goes.
The reason being recon seems to sneak up on me. In the case of wanted still feels like it peaks about 3 days later in terms of going deeper in my subconscious. So I have to make sure I’m not doubling that recon.
Very emotionally destabilized today and a feeling of suppressed emotion which tells me I have to take some rest to unpack what it is.
Which is why, as shitty as it is, we have to heal up as much as the possible, because the system definitely wants us in a powerless situation.
Sounds like Ascension is working. But yes, what we trauma survivors experience is the forceful projection of another’s beliefs and experiences onto another, reinforced with violence if necessary. But that can only last as long as the target decides to, in turn, reject what was put on them.
Had a migraine yesterday, full system shutdown pretty much. Going to keep going with the sub schedule though to remain as consistent as possible. I don’t think it was from the subs, just coincidence. Feeling ok today, no real recon. Hard to say what was the usual anxiety states with migraines vs recon.
As far as WANTED effects go. Oscillating between “I’m open to the idea of being attractive” and “My life is in no state for any woman to be around me”. Had someone that wanted to meet up with me and I’m still talking with her. But it’s less “this will be fun” and more “I don’t know what I’m doing/I’m gonna screw this up”. Trying to be authentic without all the negative perceptions if that makes sense. In the past I’d put my worst foot forward to eliminate the possibility of rejection, but it was really just an overly magnified negative aspect of me that I used to reject them before they reject me. As you can see interactions with women aren’t the most enjoyable thing for me.
It’s hard to sort of break the loser image that’s hung around me for years now. But I’m slowly moving away from it. Reconciling WANTED is tough no doubt, but I’ll keep going with it.
I finished my song I’ve been sitting on for a bit. As soon as I got back on UA I got the motivation to keep going with it. Still going to shoot for that track a week I idea I had earlier. Just got derailed with life a bit. The goal would be learning to get ideas out faster and trust intuition vs sitting and constantly doubting/hating what I create.
Tough one champ, might come to a conclusion, keep striving.
I need to chill on my desperation for WANTED effects to kick in. At my core I’m a very inpatient person. I get obsessed with something quickly and just as quickly lose interest. But It’s only been 2 listens so far with great growth, I just need to relax and think long term growth.
So far I’m feeling a lot better about my looks. I’m a skinny guy and I’ve always felt insecure about it. Like I need to put on more muscle. But WANTED is giving me a sort of toned lean look to myself that I’m growing into. I’m all for strength and muscle and whatnot but I don’t want it to feel like my body needs to be a certain way to be attractive. Especially when I really do look fine right now, maybe a bit underweight. Body self image is actually something I’ve struggled with a lot in my life. I didn’t realize I still felt that way until I started running WANTED. I’m not opposed to looking better, don’t get me wrong. But I don’t want to cling to it and need it.
Working on a new track this week. I’m trying to keep it as low stress as possible. That means following an idea and then expanding on it just enough to have it be a song but nothing too grandiose. None of those “I think this needs more, it’s not complex enough, it’s not developed enough, it’s too simple” type thoughts. Really trying to connect with the spirit of music making more than the obsession with a finished product. I think for me I just get frustrated because I have ideas I want to explore but executing them can be very hard for my mind. I can’t describe it that well but there’s a lack of flow, everything feels too hard, exhausting, stressful. It might be because I’m trying to pull off stuff in my head I’m realistically not able to attain because i haven’t practiced the art of songwriting enough.
One other thing WANTED is helping me with. Authenticity. I just want to be myself and be ok with rejection. As it stands now I’m too invested in every interaction and try to avoid rejection to such a degree I either A. Cut it off or B. Lose my ability to connect and end up frustrated.
It’s not even about women, it’s just people. All my interactions are calculated, a constant search for things that could hurt me and how to avoid them. And I’m just so exhausted. I’ve gotten better with people over the years, but the constant unending anxiety of dealing with people has never left me. I want genuine connection, but I can’t do that until I’m ok with myself.
Instead of over identifying with this problem as a flaw in my being I’m going to do some parts work with myself to see who needs attention. I still struggle a lot. It’s a constant back and forth between feeling intensely emotional and then blocking it all out to just continue surviving. I’m glad WANTED is bringing it up and making it harder for me to continually dissociate away from it because if I’m honest I can’t control that. Sometimes I go weeks just following routine, things pass me by, I’m just there. I try to engage with things but I’m distant. Every once in a while I snap back into my body, I’m sad, alone, lost, hopeless, stuck, etc. And as quickly as it arrives it leaves again when so much of my life requires I put it aside just to continue living. But I’m not really living.
I don’t really know why I struggle the way I do. The problem has always been the dissociation makes it seem less of a problem than it actually is and consequently not fulfilling my own needs. Just a self perpetuated emotional neglect.
Feeling like trash today. I’m just relaxing and doing things I want to do with zero pressure to be “productive”. I need to learn to relax more and not get anxious about losing time.
Weekends hit hard for me. Work distracts from my emotional state a lot. I push myself to remain attached to what I’m doing but the truth is it’s all too much. I drink coffee now to bypass or further dissociate from that feeling of overwhelm which causes me to push beyond my limits even more and head to trainwreck of recovery on weekends.
All circles back to me not taking care of myself enough. I’m trying to be better with that. I don’t think this is really recon from the subs. This is just me not being proactive enough in the moment to take care of myself and instead waiting till I’m too burned out already.
Kinda just hit a point today where I’m like “who am I really vs this person I’ve just obsessively tried to become over the years?” I’d rather just get in contact with that individual again and never feel the need to be “better” again. It’s one thing doing self improvement for yourself, but it’s an entirely separate thing just doing it in a way that buries that self more.
Had a dream I was writing music and I just instinctively knew what to add and how to advance it. Everything made sense, the ideas just came in like a chain reaction to build the whole song.
If my dreams can shift in that direction that means there’s some improvement on how I perceive the music making process. I don’t anticipate this translating to real life just yet, but it’s a start.
Lots of anxiety when I try to push beyond my current capabilities with song writing. I don’t think it’s so much fear of failure or perfectionism. It’s just too many things to keep track of and I start getting overwhelmed and stressed. Like cognitively I’m well aware of the bounds I can work in without getting overstimulated. Maybe it is fear of failure or a triggered past wound from childhood regarding learning new concepts and executing them. All I know is UA triggers a surprising amount of recon for me.
Other than that when I see competent musicians I find myself thinking “that’s what I want”. But it feels so far away and it gets disheartening when I realize music isn’t the only challenge I’m facing in my life.
Really though I just want to know what it’s like to think this stuff is possible for me. Every day I feel like I’m lying to myself and I’ll never move past all the same shit I’ve struggled with for years. I’ll keep trying, I won’t give up, but there’s not a lot of faith that it can happen.