This is only the start.
This gets better and stronger
Gambare Saint
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Hey dude, I’m new on the path as well, just saw your intro thread when I went to make my own. I used to live in Japan and at my best was around a JLPT N3 or “N2.5” 
Pretty rusty these days but can certainly get by without using English when I visit periodically. I was there as a university student, would go into Tokyo on weekends from time to time and lived on a mountainside in a mid-sized(?) town near Mt. Fuji (no Hachioji but my town had 2 train stops on the JR lol)
Anyway, just want to wish you well and say I appreciate what Japan life can be like as a foreigner. Can feel a little isolating, always standing out, even if you had perfect keigo and cultural behavior you’d always be treated politely but regarded as an outsider by most, though also a really beautiful countryside and neat cultural vibe–to me at least. I’m with you on the English teaching…I can do it, but it was never something I aspired to do as my main thing.
There are surely ways to use that 外人 aura to at least connect initially with ladies who have an inclination to try a different flavor! Hopefully you’ll be able to make things work, I glanced through your thread so far and it seems like you’re definitely making progress! Just sending some positive vibes!
石の上にも三年
(上手くではないけど通じるくらいの日本語ができますｗ) 
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Dude! Much appreciated, and I hope you had a blast! I wish I came here during university, my life would be completely different right now… for better or worse I’m not sure though haha. I’m sorry you didn’t get to straight up live in Tokyo during the time, but yeah I hope you had some great experiences.
If you ever have a chance, tell me some more about your time there and what you’re up to now! Seems like you still have Japanese in you – that’s a great proverb you sent me and I want to believe it will be true for me too – are you studying or using it at all right now?
I want to start spending time in other people’s journals, too, so if you have a thread going I will check it out too, soon.
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OK, I see. Sounds similar to what Billions mentioned before, too when he mentioned running Chosen. I guess there’s not much to do but make the best decision possible in the moment and build up the experience over time that will help narrow things down or reveal certain patterns or limitations. Like I said above, I’m going to start checking out other active journals too, so I will get to read a bunch about your process and take a shedload of notes.
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I haven’t journaled well at all this cycle. I wasn’t feeling well all of last week, and this week I’ve just been kind of… off. There’s a lot going on with my project at work, too.
The big job on Monday that came through last week ended up being interpretation for a part of a process for a ship sale. And it wasn’t a shipping company like I originally thought, but a diving company hired by a shipping company. Big business deal! I haven’t done interpretation before, and my Japanese frankly isn’t good enough to handle all of the nautical and ship terms (I don’t know much in English either to be fair). So I got insanely nervous when I found out the details, and I think that exacerbated my already bad condition. But luckily by Sunday I felt back to normal, and Monday morning I was a bit tense but surprisingly calm.
The job itself took place in a cramped van outfitted with a TV and recording device, and I had to interpret as a diver was swimming around the ship and broadcasting its condition. The buyers were these huge, intense Greek guys and I was proud of myself for staying calm, projecting confidence, and mot importantly nailing most of the interpretation which ended up being quite straightforward.
As for payment, I said I would share as much as possible. I couldn’t get a picture, but please believe me. I literally walked into the money transfer between my boss and the diving company by accident, so I saw the total payment was ￥45,000 for 3 hours — the job itself ended up taking 2 hours. Of that money, my boss told me I would make ￥18,000 for the job and the marketing. So my order of RICH, BL, and Khan paid for itself, essentially. I promised @Beowulf I wouldn’t think so much about the subliminals, but I MUST attribute this to RICH. There’s no other possible answer. It wasn’t luck, and it wasn’t a coincidence that the job came when it did. I have nothing else to say about that.
Reflections:
I’m responsible for getting this job because they found us online (my project), I took all the pressure and responsibility of the job and fulfilled it, but I made less than half of the money made. I’m leveraging my company’s reputation and Japanese staff (high trust for other Japanese people looking to do business), so I’m not saying I could get this type of job by myself, but it does highlight the benefits of being a business owner. Leveraging other people’s time is fantastic when you’re on the right end of it and money is flowing. I was on the “wrong” end of it, but I’ll still take that money for two hours worth of work, an interesting experience, and the huge confidence boost that I got.
——
In other news, last week we got three students to participate in a… sort of campaign deal that I started. I’ll get paid ￥2100 out of the ￥10500 we earned off of it. The money that I got is of course low, but if I use pre-made material it doesn’t really cost me much extra effort. And once the other teacher gets involved, I should make money without doing much of anything at all. And this idea has been validated quite quickly, so I’m sure we will continue to run and improve it in the future.
Two new students also came through. One student I’ve been working on recruiting personally and expect to get an extra ~￥6,000 per month from, which will be great, and one student that I may or may not get paid for due to the gray area involved with how they joined. Basically they ran a newspaper article about one of my current student’s success, someone’s father saw the article THEN checked us up online (and we have a great presence and decent site now thanks to me) before calling for his child. So technically it wasn’t a purely online lead, but I’m a bit annoyed because I know my work still provided value in getting the sale, and of course this person is joining my class because that’s what the article was about. The ideal for me as a teacher is that every new student and work that is put on my plate directly results in more pay. I’ve tried to cover as many bases as possible, but there are still some points where I can get more work without getting any more pay. It IS my job, but still :shrug: I’m a bit disappointed.
——
So some money is starting to come in, but only some of it recurring and all of it involving MY TIME. When I get official word on this latest student, I will update my tracker, but there’s a few things that I’m worried about.
Despite getting a clear contract agreement on my role and the work I’m doing, it seems like there’s still some confusion on my boss’s end about how I should be getting paid. I know it’s not out of ill-intent, but it’s frustrating me because I’ve been working my ass off for these exact moments that are starting to happen, and just as happy as they are to take all my hard work and good ideas, they need to be happy as fuck to pay me when these deals start to happen. It seems like my boss is conflating the idea of me being a teacher with this other role and thought they wouldn’t have to pay me as much if another teacher was doing the work. Which is ludicrous! The whole point, which I made very clear in the beginning when we outlined the contract, was that I get a cut of ALL business and money that comes through my work related to marketing and sales. My job is to get more eyeballs on us and GET the business. Who does the job is not my concern. I trust that they haven’t been screwing me out of other jobs that have come through, and that’s only because I’ve asked them clearly every month for status updates and nothing’s been coming in. I just think now that we’re starting to see some action it’s becoming real for them too and with that comes a change in perspective/attitude. So it concerns me and we have plans to go over everything again quite clearly tomorrow. Because if this isn’t going to work then I’m nuking the whole thing, pulling the site and everything else down, and they can fucking deal with it themselves. I’ll find much better ways to spend my time like finding a new job and getting the fuck up out of here.
And based on how this conversation goes, I’m still going to start my transition out. If the conversation goes well, I’ll probably extend my teaching contract for about half a year (through yet another winter season, unfortunately) and spend time skilling up and finding a really good job, as well as continue building these systems and training for the new hire so they can continue smoothly and make $$ for me. If the conversation goes poorly, I’ll focus on getting a job before my contract is up this year. That would give me about five months, and I’m not sure if that’s enough time to get interview-ready and actually find a job after such a long time away from the industry. But I don’t see myself committing another full year here in either case. I’m ready to be done with teaching and get out of this (relatively speaking!) garbage-tier life.
——
I figured out a decent way to study without “needing” my laptop at home, so I’m banning the computer and also banning internet usage on my phone from my home again. My mind and my life goes much better without it at home. I can’t believe how much environment matters for me. I never realized. And using the computer at the library and coffee shops puts me around people which I desperately need. I particularly need more chances to meet girls in real life. I’m at my breaking point now.
This morning I got up at 5, got the surprising urge to meditate 30 minutes, did a full workout, got dressed and worked at starbucks and later at a co-working space. I haven’t had such a great morning in a while. I want more of that. That’s the type of stuff I need in my life to get out of this situation. Thankfully the weather will get warmer from here on out and it will become easier to wake up in the morning as the months pass.
At starbucks, a group of four high schoolers were checking me out HARD. One of them in particular was really trying to get my attention and did everything short of calling out to me. But they’re fucking high schoolers -_-…. I need the fuckable girls to give me that love. Not even nearly that much. Dude, just make eye contact with me and/or smile and I’ll do the rest. Old people, bros of all ages, and barely ILLEGALs or girls in situations where it’s impossible to flirt or seriously make a move have no problem staring at me like an alien, making the occasional comment or compliment, or otherwise paying me some sort of (typically unwanted) attention. But I don’t find myself around actual, sexually available girls in their 20s very often, and when I do, it’s absolutely NOTHING. ZERO ATTENTION. NOT ONE GLANCE. It’s so depressing. And I’m starting to get really angry about it. I have many problems in my life, and y’all know my story — I’m not mr. playboy but I can do a little something. At the very least get interest and get dates. But I’ve never had this type of problem before coming to this city. I feel like a sexually invisible piece of shit.
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Don’t worry, just notice the results, write them down, attribute them to the sub and then keep moving 
Also you’re getting really great results so far, so not much to add other than I’m impressed 
. You can find my journal here, though I must warn it’s far less interesting and not as impressive as yours 
. It’d be better if you see journals of people who are really experienced and love using Khan, like @Invictus, @Luther24 and @Tobyone .
Here are some interesting posts/journals on Khan.
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Thanks for the links, and thanks for sharing your journal. I’m diving in right now. I saw the first two Khan links when researching, but I didn’t see the last one and it sounds rough! Gonna read it after this.
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2023-03-31T15:00:00Z
I had a difficult but honest conversation about everything I mentioned in my last post with my boss. As I thought, there was still some miscommunication going on and mismatched expectations… I also told her officially that I wanted to quit as a teacher and that we needed to come up with a good transition plan. And also like I thought, I got her to agree on 6000 yen/mo for one student coming in, but I won’t get any money from the other student since the lead technically wasn’t produced by my work. I don’t like this kind of ticky tack discourse, and I think it would be better to combine all of our efforts to create an overall comprehensive system. I’m not in it solely for me – this is supposed to be a win-win and overall good for the company. But at this point, it is what it is and we’ll just have to iron out the gray area. As for quitting, it seems like I’ll have to choose between this September or next September and I can’t partially extend my contract. I don’t want to rush a move, and right now I don’t think five months is enough time to find a job and make a proper move. I complain and say what I’ve said, but I still don’t have any idea on what to move towards. I also wanted to at least be here for the remainder of the calendar year so I can continue to work on this marketing project directly with her in-person. So unless I’m on fire and can find a great remote job quickly, I might be here until September 2024. One more hard winter ahead of me. But that will definitely be the last year of me teaching English here, and we’ll make that clear when discussing the contract. Also I have a ton of leverage and I might be able to negotiate a slightly better contract or teaching terms, too. Talking about everything made me feel way better and I believe I can find a way forward. It doesn’t hurt that today is nice and sunny and I’m in a great mood.
Anyway, April is the start of the fiscal and school year in Japan, so this is a really busy time. We couldn’t come to a full conclusion so we’ll have to talk again next week.
So as for what to do from here… yeah…
I’ve spent so much time worrying and in my feelings about everything. Despite the work I’m doing to move forward, journaling here has made me realize just how much I’m still going in circles, living in the past, and not being decisive. And I’ve done a lot of thinking about this current job and the parts that I like and don’t like, are good at and aren’t good at, and comparing it with my last job to see what stands out as my personality or strengths/weaknesses.
At the end of the day, I’m not someone who identifies with work or loves working or whatever. It’s insane to me that people like getting up every day and spending most of the time working. There’s a lot of talk about finding passion and purpose in work, but I’ve never had that and maybe I never will. But I know how to do a good job; I have the ability to accurately identify requirements, be effective and do what’s necessary to get stuff done, and maybe that’s enough.
I think part of my problem with programming is that I’m not very good at it. I have the right mind for it, but my work ethic is shit and I consistently underestimate how much work it really takes to get good or build a good product. And in the corporate world, you can get by without being good and there are many ways to provide value and build your career. But if I really sharpen my fundamentals and focus on building more, maybe those feelings will go away and I can at least have a healthier relationship with work. Do something that I can do well, get paid for it, and be at peace with not having passion or desire or whatever.
I’m going to build some software for fun (related to my personal interests) and I’m going to build one or two small apps to automate some stuff at work. The only rule is that they need to be small in scope and completed and pushed live. Not on my laptop as demoware. Maybe as I put in the work I will be able to find opportunities or identify some parts of the work that I do like. Which will help me find job opportunities that could be a good fit. And if the apps help with my job, they will help other people at the company too. And I can use them as portfolio pieces when applying for jobs.
I’m going to work hard. I’ve shown myself I have the ability to change my environment to great effect and do stuff that up until now was extremely hard for me to do (like waking up early with energy). So I can do more than I realize. And we’re slowly entering the warm season which usually gives me more energy and feeling of being alive. I don’t care about lifestyle, I don’t care about “being free” or whatever shit that’s been clogging up my mind. Right now I need to work more than I ever have before, and I need to be satisfied doing it. Clear up my debt and get options in my life again. I’m at a huge turning point right now and I can’t fuck this up. I need to be decisive and I need to work for what I want. If I keep living the same way and making the same choices, all that’s going to happen is that I’ll be here in the same loser position.
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Fucking hell, I’ve been completely bad about this cycle’s journal. In reading Beowulf’s journal I was able to see similarities in how he responded with ASCENSION! Before, I thought I didn’t feel much or see much from it, but now I realize just how much it did have an impact on me in that short period of time. Super interesting stuff.
I finished James Clear’s email course, and basically if you can read and understand the book there’s no reason to do the course. I followed through to the end for the sake of finishing, but it really wasn’t necessary. I got the most value out of reading it and already implemented some stuff for great change, so I’m satisfied overall.
@Beowulf mentioned Inner Work last month, and I said I would start it once I finished up with Atomic Habits. But I’ve checked out the book and it really isn’t anything I want to get into right now. After Khan Stage 4, I’m planning on dropping BL for at least one cycle and using LBFH. During that time, it might be a good chance to read Inner Work. But I’m not going to do it right now.
In reading the Khan recon thread and poking around some more, I realize that I might have overlooked some things. The first thing being that Khan stage 1 by definition is just a clearing phase, so me feeling down about girls or feeling ignored or whatever might just be from that. All the junk in me could be radiating outwards. I’ve also found myself needing more water than usual and I’m starting to understand the recommendations to keep water high (not just for exercise or general health) I can’t believe it took me so long to connect the dots. 
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I got a first round interview (coding test) to a position I applied for last month 
I was in one of those moods and was scrolling through some job posts and found one that looked like a good fit based on my experience and needs. Technical but not so much heads-down programming. It’s a Japanese tech company with strong U.S ties and is fully remote (global) which is also a big part of why I applied. Getting accepted could absolutely change my life, and them being fully remote means if I can make it through the technical stuff I have a chance to convince them to let me start working now part-time and then transition fully in September if everything is a good fit.
I never heard back from them so I assumed it was a no-go, but I just got an email from them…
I’ve got a week to do a 90-minute coding test. There’s really not much I could do within a week to prepare me for the test as I have no clue what the test itself contains. Luckily I’ve been going through some coding practice over the last few weeks, thinking that I’ll have to start ramping up my skills and working on some projects, so I have some momentum from that. I’m about done with the main course for JS which is perfect timing. I’m suddenly feeling nervous but I’ll take the sample test today to get used to the system and probably just hit it tomorrow after a good sleep.
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Check this book out: “Elements of Programming Interviews”. IIRC it has coding practice in accordance with the time u have. For eg. u have a week, so follow the “1 week coding interview preparation plan” in the book.
I’ve not used it, but i’ve heard good things about it from alot of people.
Also, how cool it would be if @SaintSovereign surprise dropped the “ultimate programmer zp” soon. 
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Your comment is extremely timely. I reached out to see if I could get more details about the test, and it’s a basic DS & Algos test. I fucking SUCK at DSA so I’m definitely going to use the time to study a bit before taking the test.
I will check the book out to see what it covers! Thank you very much.
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My perception of time has really changed recently. Time just seems to flow much slower and I feel way more at ease. I’m getting a bunch done in great time and I don’t feel rushed or anything. This rule for electronics is such a game-changer (although I am typing this right now at home before I lock up the computer). I also think the weather warming up slightly and the sun starting to come out is literally making me less tense during my day. I don’t have to brace myself so much outside or be careful while walking on ice or anything like that.
Also, up north the sun rises super fucking early (during the summer it can be up as early as 3:30-4am) so it’s much easier to wake up in the morning and the days feel especially long when I do so. There’s a great combination of different elements happening right now and I really appreciate it.
Regarding the coding test, I’ve looked over some DSA stuff and although I know the basics it will be hard to really internalize them for problem-solving in the short time I have allotted to me. The job itself is NOT a software engineering job so I’m surprised they have this as a screening step. My original feeling was true – if I’m not able to get through it now I won’t be ready by the week’s end. So I’m going to go ahead and take the test either tomorrow or Friday morning. If I’m going to study DSA seriously then I might as well a) take a 2/3-month plan and practice properly and b) apply to actual SWE jobs if I fail this one. This is a SUPPORT engineer role… much different type of work.
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Just finished the test. I was able to solve the problems but couldn’t find the optimal solution for the last one. There’s a high chance that means I’ll fail, but I won’t know until they tell me themselves. My undergrad experience studying DSA was terrible (mainly algorithms), and my work experience never once involved really thinking about that stuff, so I never thought they were very important even though I knew I was really weak in that area. Many people in the community complain that these types of tests and challenges don’t have much to do with daily work, and I would agree with that, but I can also say that if I studied and improved in this area I would be able to solve problems much better and therefore think about development from a much better perspective. It’s easy to complain and be lazy. But it doesn’t take so much effort to learn properly either, as it turns out. Maybe grinding to become the ultimate leetcode master or whatever is too much… but having taken this interview I’m a bit motivated to learn how to solve some of these problems optimally.
If I make it to the next round, I won’t spend much more time on this because the job itself isn’t software dev. But if I fail, I’m actually thinking about adding this to my study stack! Learning Japanese has taught me how I learn and study best and ways to adjust the learning style based on the type of study or material I’m covering. I have a perfect idea for studying this stuff in a holistic way, and if I can find the material pre-made in that manner then I’ll be set. Otherwise I can use a good reference book like the one oloy mentioned and set up a good system myself.
If I had known this interview was coming, I could have spent the month studying properly. But I had no idea and wasn’t expecting it. It’s a big lesson for me on being prepared and also being positive. I assumed it wouldn’t happen after the first week when I didn’t hear anything back, and I also assumed there wouldn’t be this type of test given the nature of the job. Terrible assumptions.
Today is my last round of RICH and BL. Saturday will be my last run of K1. But I’ve recently had thoughts out of nowhere to drop RICH and BL and go exclusively Khan. That would mean I can run two loops every other day as opposed to one loop every four days. Huge difference… 
I’ve been feeling weirdly calm and relaxed lately, and just doing my thing. I’ve given up on trying to journal like I was before, and will try again next cycle. And as I mentioned in a previous post, my sense of time has slowed down greatly. This is definitely because I’m completely off of the computer except for work or coming here during the day, and when I am on the computer it’s in public. I feel more like I’m a part of life. It’s amazing what getting up early and getting out of the house does for the mind. Very little negative mental chatter, a little bit more present, a little bit more open, and kinda vibing. It’s hard to describe, but I feel like I’ve let go of trying to control everything and think everything through and all of the worry about my future. At the same time I’m more in control of myself than ever, and I’m having an increasing sense of influence on my life and what I’m doing, and an ability to just go along with the flow of things.
This one old lady in my class has a massive lady-boner for me, and it’s fucking creepy, but she’s also funny as hell so it’s been a kind of banter over the past few years that I’ve been here. No matter how directly I say some form of “no”, it’s like water off a duck’s back with her. Recently, though it’s turned up a notch and she won’t stop inviting me to her home, out for lunch, to come meet her husband for whatever reason, etc. And she’s been asking me very specifically about my type and why I don’t have a girlfriend, and when I’m gonna get one blah blah blah – to the point where one of the other students today finally started telling her to cool it a little bit. Amazing to think how the situation would be handled or viewed if our genders were switched.
Another lady in tonight’s class out of nowhere turned another student’s story about her job taking care of a 10-month-old baby into a joke about breastfeeding, making a bunch of breastfeeding gestures, machine-gun breastfeeding motions (pretending to squeeze them alternately) and shit.
FUCKING WEIRD.
I hope this isn’t khan because I don’t need this type of sexual stuff in my life. Quite honestly, even if they were 20-year-olds acting like this it would be a huge turn off.
There’s got to be limits somewhere 
My second cycle is over, and it’s been way different from the first cycle.
Even the way I approached this journal – from the beginning I never got into rhythm to give updates like I did in my first cycle. And I decided to roll with it and it just never picked up 
In terms of action, it feels like things spiked right at the beginning and then smoothed out. I got a big job out of nowhere, felt crazy bad/sick for about a week, and then found myself falling into a groove. I’ve been feeling more self-assured, calm, and self-expressive, and that’s had a good impact on my work and classes. I’m following my intuition 100% and it’s enabled me to make quicker, better decisions and has greatly decreased my stress. I don’t feel a need to control things as much anymore. But kind of ride the wave and guide things along the best I can to the outcome I’m looking for. For example, I’ve gotten some instructions for a job starting tomorrow that I don’t like and tried my best to appeal but must ultimately accept them. And I’ve taken the attitude of “I’m going to stick up for myself, and if y’all don’t care about the clear problems I’m trying to point out, then I’m not going to care about them either. I’ll do it your way and you can take the results as they are.”
I realized at some point that my (negative) mental chatter essentially died. I don’t know when but I suddenly realized, “holy shit I’m not mentally torturing myself these days.”
I banned computer and phone usage from my apartment, and it’s forced me to be at work, coffee shops, the library, and a kind of co-working space during the day. OK sometimes I post here at home, and I do have an exception for utd games, but that’s been it. The weather is still cold but warm enough to be tolerable, and the days are getting longer too. My sense of life and time feels way different. Like I have much much much more time in the day than I ever realized, and I feel more physically comfortable and relaxed. Getting up early and getting the gym done followed by my daily study stack is amazing. Gym in the afternoon is still my ideal, but gym in the morning works quite well for my current work schedule, and I now have the energy to get up and go do it. This cycle has made it very clear to me how much time I waste and how much I DON’T want to waste it anymore. It’s disgusting.
I was able to have a really difficult but necessary series of conversations with my boss about my current job, this project that we’re doing, and the money involved with it. We’re finishing up with this conversation later today, and I’ll have an official decision on my next steps made by the end of today. After much indecision and low motivation, it’s like a switch has been flipped. I’m done being poor and feeling like shit. I’m done freezing my ass off. I’ve got to stop teaching, I’ve got to leave this city, and I’ve got to do it properly.
I’ll post again later to share the results of the conversation and what I’ll do from here on.
In terms of feelings, emotions, sex.
I’ve caught myself changing my attitude when I see young couples (this is a tourist city, so it’s common for weekend trips, honeymoons, etc.). For the longest time, I’ve felt so down, jealous, angry, etc. when I see them. And these days I look and I think “Good for y’all – enjoy”, “Looks like they’re having fun”, “Ah that’s nice, I’d like that too.” type of thoughts. And occasionally I’ll have a flash of “fuck you guys” when the girl seems super cute, but immediately question why I think that and then change it.
I’m feeling better about myself, and way more open to good vibes and sending people good thoughts and well wishes.
Absolutely zero changed for me in terms of sex life. And I do feel like a piece of shit for it. But I have noticed that I also don’t feel so horny, have no desire to watch porn, and have a growing patience and return to my old values. I don’t believe in “the” one, but I do believe in “a” one. I’ve never been a fan of casual hookups and always preferred great sex with my favorite girl to sex for the sake of numbers or showing off to bros or whatever. Quality > quantity. To put it bluntly, I want to have sex with someone who I still want to talk to and be around after I cum. I don’t want them to leave. I’m the kind of person who likes what he likes and hates what he hates. And if I like it, I tend to want as much of it as possible. But it tends to be hard for me to find someone I like in that way. IMO it’s a complete waste of time to have sex with someone I don’t care about, and from experience the sex isn’t even that good anyway. If it’s purely casual sex, finding someone who I have good sexual chemistry with and can pay is way more straightforward and easier to manage emotionally, too. Unfortunately I haven’t found either situation here (I’m broke anyway…) and it’s a struggle.
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