I’ve decided to focus a bit more on accepting impermanence and the nature of the impermanence of everything that is.
One day, I’m going to die. Well, my physical body will cease to facillitate my current state of existence, as I see it. There’s a part of me that protests me accepting that.
I’m single now. When I choose to be in a relationship with a woman, I’m not going to be single anymore. When one of us dies or if one of us breaks the union, that relationship is over. There’s a part of me that doesn’t like that.
There is nothing at any level that is truly still, that is not moving in some way. I could like at the micro level and see how at the cellular level, everything is constantly moving, shifting, transitioning, but that isn’t useful for my exercise here.
Thoughts. Emotions. Our feelings about this, or our feelings about that. Our focus. Our sense of self.
The wind is there. And even as I’m registering that wind, that air in motion as being ‘there’, there is now there. The sun radiates light constantly, and at times it can come down in a column as light that I see as heavenly (likely due to growing up and seeing stained glasses windows in churches often, visual association). That light can seem solid. But it’s constantly a new light.
My bank account isn’t as well endowed as I would like right now. My bank account has had a comma in it before, with varying digits and amount of digits preceding and following the comma. There’s a part of me that is bothered by the one and desires the other.
I’ve been happy. I’ve been sad. I’ve been angry. I’ve been peaceful. I’ve been in bliss and I’ve been tossed about in various manifestations of storms, inner and outer.
I’ve been deeply in love with things and people I’ve known. I’ve hated things . I’ve fought others, I’ve found resolutions with others. I’ve been attracted to women, I’ve been disgusted by women. I’ve had close friends that have turned into personal enemies. I have felt weak and powerless and I’ve felt irrevocably titanic.
I’ve admired people one day and been disillusioned by the same person on another.
I’ve believed in one thing, and later found that I believe in another that did away with the former belief.
The only thing that I can see as potentially being permanent is ‘being’; but, just not the state of being that we experience at any given moment.
Certain teachings or lines of thought talk about ‘states’ of being. A state that to me can be defined as a marker, a definition, of how we define our being, in that moment.
But we are not static beings. We go through various states, so in a sense, I could say we’re ‘state-ic’ beings, but that’s my way of looking at words.
Looking at myself, I see the inability for or the resistance to accepting impermanence as the fear of accepting change. This, in and of itself, is not necessarily revolutionary thought.
But what brings about the fear? What is the fear? Accepting that things won’t always be the way they are? Or, accepting that things won’t always be the way we see them? Perhaps not being willing to see that we won’t always see things the way that we see them?
I’m the top dog in my job today. Tomorrow, someone comes and does whatever, and I’m no longer the top dog.
I’m the leader in my industry today. Tomorrow, some innovative innovator that innovates knocks me off of my pedestal.
I’m gorgeous right now. Something happens that results in the disfigurement of my face and body. Or, someone comes up to me with the right things to say that, at that particular moment, shatter my own appreciation for my own beauty.
What is it?
Ego is what comes to mind, but what is the damned ego in the first place?
What is it about us that refuses to accept what, when we take a step back for a moment and pause, is reflected all around us? I have an answer but I guarantee that I don’t have the answer.
And so, I go on.
