Sage's Heart: A Chronicle of Life, Love and Late Nights

Journals - Major Programs
#321

She wanted it from the back before we went to bed last night and I obliged. For whatever reason, I felt drawn to put my finger on her bungy scrunch, so after awhile of thrusting I put some lube on my thumb and was running it on the rim of her ass for awhile while still going. I noted her tone change of moan.

After about ten minutes, I stopped to take a smoke break. When I was done, she surprised me by asking me if I could press my finger on her asshole again.

For whatever reason the immediate ‘knowledge’ that I should put my thumb IN her ass came to me. She had previously told me she liked it but not to do it again, months and months ago.

I followed the inclination and boom.

She told me after that it felt so incredibly and somehow forgot that I had done that before.

My side of the bed was wet af 🥲

New Wanted.

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#322

My sexuality is more calm and grounded surprisingly, which I didn’t expect from New Wanted

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#323

The manifestation scripting is extremely organic and natural feeling, very fast acting.

I was ordering fish at the sea market yesterday and had a moment of realization that there was ONLY women around me ordering.

One woman bumped me in line passing by me. She could have asked me to move and didn’t. I didn’t even sense her coming and move like I normally would without even thinking about it.

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#324

I assume there’s some stop porn and masturbation sort of scripting, in either New Wanted or New GLM.

I can’t explain it.

Or, it’s a part of the anti-recon tech. One of my problems with the Wanted series is that I usually find myself PMO’ing on the respective titles. I can actually feel that this won’t be the case with this update.

Since I mention it, I’ll keep note if I happen to regress.

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#325

Running Wanted and GLM, ultra, full

#326

Terrible fight with Kenya.

#327

There were moments that my detachment was impressive.

There were also moments that my reactivity very much disappoints me.

#328

There’s certain things about me that it would be unethical for me to not express, regardless of how others do or do not respond…and it’s a painful realization that I’m going to have to be ok with building on, even losing people because of it.

#329

I find myself in a state that I cannot compromise on that which I feel/know, regardless of how others may or may not see it.

#330

I was proud of myself in moments of realizing I might be losing her by holding firm to (x,y,z), and yet I couldn’t bring myself to be so bothered by that that I compromised who I am.

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#331

I react harshly and immediately towards perspectives that disregard or seek to negate/override my own.

I’ve fought this part of myself for years in conformity. This, I will no longer do.

The ‘harshness’ comes from years of self-abandonment. Allowing other’s beliefs to be ‘more’ to me than actually seeking and creating a belief system that isn’t so fixed, so rigid, so demanding that there’s hardly humanity left in the person by the time the programming is set.

#332

I still, as a black man in America, have issues with expressing my more ‘negative’ feelings healthily. I have come far in my young years in being able to express love.

I still can come up higher (and higher than that still) in dealing with when I DON’T appreciate something someone said or did to me.

I’m likely going to need to have a very thorough self-examination, to determine these conflicting belief systems that cause confusion within me (for example, reconciling between when it’s valid to express that I’m feeling angry at the moment and that being ok, even if the responder doesn’t like it).

I have bottled things up for years without even thinking about it that isn’t necessary for me to hold on to. I would like to express again that this, i will simply not do anymore but that one will take more…‘fine’ time. That part of my psychology is more subtle and will require more precise awareness than the simple general, nonattached but aware awareness that I generally hold towards myself.

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#333

The nice thing about journaling this is that it has helped shift the last bit of combative energy, and the energy behind that that it’s hiding/protecting (these feelings haven’t been properly identified as I haven’t gotten the chance to process the events of today before now, beyond my basic energetic process that helps me get over arguments quickly and move forward).

Today was the first time that it was ME that broke up with her. The pull that I feel for more is not letting me hold on to anything that isn’t willing to move along with me. If I do, it causes inner angst and tension.

#334

I broke up with her not because I’m unhappy, though I’m not happy now. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of seeking resolutions with people that are still stuck in the fight.

I’m tired of feeling like no matter what I do, there’s going to be SOMETHING that isn’t good enough. I’m tired of feeling like a bad person for being who I am (that EVERYONE praises for being sooo good, beautiful, different, blah blah fucking blah, until I trigger something in them, then I’m a cruel POS all of a sudden, getting all sorts of projections that have little to no basis in reality).

#335

As I wandered around my city when I walked away from her the first time, my heart was being pulled to simply drop every single person in my life without fail, go somewhere I’ve never been and start from as much nothing as I possibly can.

It didn’t feel like running away either.

I’m not - at this point - going to waste my trade school and drop out. I’m not sure how I’ll be getting to class from now on but that’s details I’m not going to take away from my future self’s pleasure to solve.

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#336

And interestingly, breaking up with her or any woman in the past, one of my immediate thoughts would be that I’ve got options, I’m not tripping.

But even though I’m listening to Wanted and a hiiiighly sexual man, though some of the women I passed by today in my wandering were cute, they hardly got anything but a passing glance. My heart isn’t in it right now.

This is a good thing imo.

#337

So, we fought on and off for hours. I’m at our - I may be referring to it as ‘her’ in future accounts - place, laying on the futon on the floor. She took off in the car a bit ago. After this post, I’m processing.

#338

Sorry to hear that, but perhaps not a coincidence what with you taking up that GLM/Wanted stack recently.

#339

Yeah. I thought of that.

#340

Hey man, just want to say I’m here with you in solidarity. Going through a breakup myself for similar reasons. Realizing as well that my peace is too valuable to compromise for anyone. Hang in there dude, it’ll get better.

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