You still running Wanted my friend?
Not this cycle. I’ll be reinitializing Sagittarium II within a week. In addition:
Spartan Major and perhaps Limitless.
She texted me this morning out of the blue which was a surprise (obviously), saying:
“heyyyo, i just wanted to stop by and say i hope you’re doing good and i think about you often 
”
-sigh-
I’ve been texting her here and there since then but I’m at a crossroads.
I never did stop seeing symbols that I associate with her. The sunflowers subsided greatly or the sunflower association I have for her faded, but I did not for a single day not see her car or the symbol for the make. Before I deleted my social media, girls would pop on that look just like her, much to my annoyance. She has popped into my head - no matter how many things I did energetically - at random times and last weekend, I was on the very edge of just messaging her.
But, asking my higher self, I was told to wait. So I did.
I’ve been ‘feeling’ her since that day tangibly. I’m not gonna pretend I can explain it, but I could sense her. I resisted, and of course, it persisted.
Anyways. Catching my journal up just a tad.
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Oh.
Yesterday, New Flame y True Sell.
True Sell more than likely is going to be that single loop. I would prefer to utilize Spartan for awhile for multiple reasons.
Ideally, I would replace Primal in Sagittarium (Emperor and Primal) with Spartan, but money decided to be a comedian and roast my wallet so imma have to wait to rebuild that ting.
New Flame was like… Almost 7 minutes. True Sell, 3.
And Ascension Chamber, full time, claro.
10/19
Money stopped trying to tell jokes all of a sudden, so, I bought Spartan quicker than I expected.
We in dis ting.
I decided I was going to run it until I started getting head pressure, which, for most titles happens around…uhhh… I don’t actually pay attention but I guess around the 3-7 minute mark 
Well, it’s only just beginning at 11 minutes so imma run the whole thing.
Very smooth initial loop. It added something of a different sort of clarity to my already clear mind, so this is interesting.
We’ll see what my initial results are throughout my work day. And what a day to choose to run this title as we have all of the heavy shit today.
Fridges on fridges on fridges, boii
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Testosterone.
I feel the difference between WANTED and Spartan immediately in the rush of testosterone I just experienced. Completely different flavor.
Wanted is more of a sultry, seductive, ‘look at all dis’ testost-auric (my word, you owe me $0.25 every time you use it) vibe.
Spartan - and ONLY for lack of a better term right now - is manly as fawk.
If anyone reading this has watched the television show Spartacus, then the example of Krixus (Crixus?) will make sense. That’s how I’m feeling. I have only skimmed forum updates on Spartan before today but I do remember seeing that it acted quickly for others. I didn’t expect within ten minutes of the loop, though.
Funnily, I was reading the sales page right after my loop as i always do after the initial loop of any title and saw this part:
You will notice yourself hungering to challenge yourself physically again and again. You will see your body starting to work like a well-oiled machine. Your desire to compete will grow – and you will be winning. Your mental faculties will improve as your brain chemistry becomes perfectly balanced.
In the back of my head, I was running through visualization scenarios of different ways I was going to challenge myself at work and getting extraordinarily excited 
that’s when I noticed the testosterone build, which is slowly but steadily increasing even now.
And going onto the ZP thread to scan through, this account matches just about perfectly 
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I recall with WANTED that I feel it physically in my forearms, biceps and back pretty tangibly. I can feel the same ‘strengthening’ in a strong way.
‘Steel’ comes to mind which is amusing as the draft for the Spartan custom I’ll eventually get is named ‘Ninjisteel’.
I forgot to submit this hours ago 
I started the draft while working and lost internet but I felt like this within 15 minutes of the loop.
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It is more important to know where you are going than to get there quickly. Do not mistake activity for achievement.
-Isocrates
Sage needed to see this today. I’ve got goals. I’ve got ambition. But! I don’t have to BE there right now. That’s the substance of a journey; travel.
Here to there, there to there, there to here and so on and so forth. Be it unto me.
This is uncertain territory. Uncertainty comes with the territory.
React to what is? Or change how I respond to it?
Adjust my self to outer conditions? Or change inner conditions to more desirable expression?
Believe what I see to be true (edit: reality)? Or believe in my right and ability to affect/effect change from where it all starts, the questioner?
The question and answer exist in equal measure. One is not without the other.
If I find a woman attractive and pleasing inside, and she also feels mutually about me but she has a significant other, what is that to me?
Unnecessary. Unimportant. Remedial?
If they are unhappy together and she wants me physically, what is that to me?
Cross-wired. Collision course. Danger at the fork.
What about emotionally, psychologically and otherwise and doesn’t want to leave him/her?
Then she is going outside of her prison, remembering what makes her happy, enjoying it, and then reluctantly but willingly returning to said prison.
Single mothers?
Was she singular creating those children?
What if he’s not around?
What goes around…
Dead. Prison. Deadbeat.
The fact that he is dead is an achievement you can never match while you yet live. They love you most when you’re gone, especially tragically. Do you think you can overcome these - in her - subconscious comparison points? Do you want to?
The fact that he’s in prison implied he was put there and can be released. Or escape. They also let people out for good behavior. You willing to chance that she won’t let him in for the same reason?
Mhmm.
10/21
I left my earbuds at home on accident rushing out the door, so I haven’t run anything today. I used Spartan a couple of days ago, so today would be a day of play.
I’m debating.
I am at a crossroads.
I’m tired of putting off Sage Immortal for ‘material’ concerns. I feel the same about The Alchemist.
But, thankfully having typed that out, the words of @Malkuth come to mind. Or paraphrased in:
It’s not that you have to decide which titles are ‘spiritual’. All of these titles are spiritual because… What’s not spiritual?
What’s the difference between matter and spirit?
Subjective experience vs universal.
Perception.
There’s obviously more subtleties but I feel I would ramble and lose my train of reason sooo…
Because of my pretty solid rule of no subs on the weekend, if I don’t come to a clear decision today that I won’t kick myself for next week because ‘X’ or ‘Y’ happened, I’m going to simply dedicate myself to the two mentioned titles. I’ve amassed a respectable amount of customs that I can rotate at my leisure if I wish, so that Spartan custom will have to wait for finances to level out again and I really doubt I’ll be reworking any customs in the nearest of futures, unless it’s Lustrocity II (Wanted and True Sell).
I would run L-II but between Spartan and WANTED’s energetic draws, and potentially 5 cores between Spartan, Wanted, True Sell, Heartsong AND Mind’s Eye…
That’s a lot going on!
So, I’ll consider it on my drive home from Arizona thoroughly. If I’ve gotta sleep on it to allow clarity, so be it.
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I decided to change my stack to:
New Flame (HS/ME)
Rebirth Major and Spartan Major.
I ran NF and Rebirth that day.
Today and now, I am running Spartan and Ascension Chamber. Again, I’m playing the loop ‘by ear’ and I’m going to switch to Ascension Chamber as soon as I feel the tell tale sign of slight intake overload. I am currently 8 minutes in to the Spartan loop.
I have decided to start marking on my phone’s calendar the day that I am allowing myself to switch stacks. So, in this case, I’m going to start out with a simple month.
November 19th, ten days before my birthday.
On that day, I’ll begin allowing myself to consider other stack options.
I once told a former user on here that the combo that they were looking for was consistency and discipline. It’s time that I follow my own advice!
Why the calendar thing?
Having been a part of the NoFap community years and years ago near the beginning of its growth into mainstream popularity, I found a few ‘tricks’ to greatly increase so called ‘streaks’ from PMO.
-
Don’t PMO
-
DON’T watch the clock.
Any athlete or student or person in the workplace can say; it’s not always the initial journey that gets rough and challenging. It’s nearing the end of the journey that one begins to psychologically lose momentum.
The last few pushups are almost always the hardest. Whether it’s twenty or one hundred, it’s generally the last few that make the body say, “Yeeeeeah this sucks, I did good enough with this right? Break time? Yeah?”
"I’ve worked 10 hours perfectly fine but now that I see the clock saying I’ve got an hour left? A mini bout of depression seems appropriate here!
People tend to relax in their final year, in the final months of class.
So. Out of sight, out of mind.
Plus, time tends to go quicker when you’re not watching it and trying to keep track of it I find.
Likewise, I’m going to have to discipline myself a bit further in a way that I’m likely to find annoying at first; not checking Disc threads. Especially surrounding new titles. That one should be obvious.
10/24
Lmao.
I ran Spartan today and, thinking I had queued Ascension Chamber next, I clicked forward to play the ‘next track’…
Only after I felt my head beginning to feel familiar pressure that I haven’t felt in a few moons did I think to check and saw that Spartan was going through another loop 
Now, a couple of hours later, I’m definitely feeling my cognitive processes are slightly subdued and more in the background. My mood is subdued as well, just a bit.
I still ran Ascension Chamber, though.
🥷🏽
Spartan x2
Ascension Chamber.
My recon feels like I went overnight studying, with no sleep lmao. I feel it will pass in a couple hours thankfully (and hopefully).
Damn I’m good.
It started fading reminiscent of a sudden cool breeze across a parched, barren landscape just now lmao. Right on schedule!
10/31
I used Spartan on Saturday. I forgot my normal rule honestly and only thought of it after. No matter.
Today: New Flame x Ascension Chamber x Rebirth, in that order. I’m considering increasing New Flame to x2 per listen on non-AC days.
Recon - Just freeformin’*
How can I reconcile who I used to be with who I am now, so that who I will be can be now?
How can I accept where I have been and where I will be, in the contrast, in the gradience… And still be perfectly fine with here, and now?
How can I ever make sense of the fact that everything I need, I have now, if I think I need something else too?
How can life ever show me the way, if I’m bound to and blinded my imagery of Past, and chained to my (un)truth of what the future must be?
If a man wants to step into a maze, he does. Once inside, however, the return to the exit will always be a bit more tricky.
A man stuck in the same maze probably isn’t the best person to seek advice from if there’s another option available.
If the truth will set you free, then truth is the cord that, in your panicked wandering, you forgot you had tethered to where you came from and it all began, and it’s been in your hand the whole time.
Don’t let others tell you that your string can’t be right, because that direction didn’t work for them.