I am noticing that I’m becoming more assertive in my interactions with other people lately. I also have less inclination to do social dances with others, especially in my work. With this comes a decrease in social anxiety in general.
I’ve also lost desire to try to impress my lead. He’s always saying that I need to speed up, calling me Tortuga and acting like I’m not doing my best. Which, I am. I don’t slack whatsoever.
In fact, as I recently realized, nobody in this job or any other job has complained about my work. I came to the conclusion that he is actually simply impatient and that it isn’t that I need to speed up, but that he needs to stop chasing the clock, so to speak.
He’s always complaining about how it will take a long time to complete a route, or how long this stop might take. How far it is to the next stop. What time we’ll get back home.
In other words, he’s not living.
I also realized that I don’t have to impress him or anyone else. We got top driver/helper last month, tied with another team. I’m good, lol.
So lately, I’ve been starting to do as I wish and with my increases in efficiency and comfortability with what I am doing, I’m improving every time I work. I’ve also been allowing myself to speak out more with just about everyone, him included now.
He’s a pretty intimidating Latino guy a bit shorter than I am with quite a decorated history of intimidating things including but not limited to fighting and involvement with groups that did not gather for recreational activities.
I tend to try not to piss off these kinda folk by habit, lol. But I always end up slowly but surely allowing more and more of my nature to seep through and talking shit. 
He’s a decent guy, if very polarizing. He’s the kind of guy you either love or hate and I’m one of the few that can get along with him easily enough.
Not that he doesn’t irritate me.
But I tend to attract these kinda guys into my life and always feel drawn to 'em and always, without fail, develop a bond with them.
My girlfriend was the one who actually mentioned it to me. And after she did and I thought back, she was right. Ever since the time I was kicked out of my parent’s house and hooked up with my first roomie that was similar to this pattern, I’ve had work buddies and acquaintances like that.
Just a tangent.
I will probably be looking to become a Master Tech within the next month or two, if I stay with this job for much longer. Working Monday-Saturday, 0415 - ??? is a brutal schedule to be making a bit under 2k after taxes, every two weeks.
My last paycheck was $2,600 which is the biggest I’ve gotten. If I saw that every check, I’d be cool. But I don’t anticipate that being a regular thing.
It’s kinda funny because I’m a Tech and my lead is a Master Tech and I made more than him the last check
I’m really looking forward to my custom being completed. Love is something that’s difficult for me to accept, within myself or others. And it’s a real stumbling block for me. I’m not close to family because I don’t feel a connection. I keep my lady at a bit of a distance within because I don’t fully trust her to not hurt me. I don’t always feel worthy of my son cuz I worry that I don’t feel love the same way a father should. I can’t comprehend my creator actually loving me.
Love, love, love.
My Venus is in Scorpio. I do feel deeply and intensely and damn near obsessively. But. Porn.
Porn has been in and out of my life over the years more than a drunk, absent father. I’ve come a long way from where I used to be, and it is not nearly the problem it was. But though it doesn’t affect me nearly as bad, I do still see adverse effects which though they are subtle, they’re still bothersome.
I haven’t looked at porn in a few days and I don’t remember the amount but it’s probably near a week. I’ve just lost interest, man. It serves no real good to me, for me. And I’m glad I finally had the realization. It’s truly unnecessary and serves no purpose to me but frustration. I rarely have allowed myself to finish to porn in recent months but, that’s basically me marinating myself in the most potent energy accessible in the material universe, tuned to the energies of unrequited desire.
And then going to sleep like that. Nah, I’m good.
I’m not checking out girls as much anymore and I’m okay with that. When I do check them out, it’s an easy thing for me to lose interest once I look and move on. I’m not impressed as much by a woman because of her body, now that I think of it.
I’ve seen some impressive women recently. And though a few definitely interested me more than a few seconds, I moved on quickly one I moved my eyes and focus to whatever.
The other day the thought came to me that I’ve actually been given hella IOI’s as I’ve seen them called on here by all manners of women recently, including those in relationships, but I’m only temporarily interested just in response to the noticing it. And I do appreciate the validation for sure. But the fantasy of it is different than the reality of it, I’ve realized.
In the moment, when I’m clearly realizing this female customer/coworker/passerby is impressed with my presence, I’m just above neutral about it. But desiring the same previous to it in fantasy and desire, wanting female attention in other words… The reality of it is boring 
My inner landscape is clearly shifting in many different aspects. Old monuments are either losing their shine, or crumbling altogether. Perspectives are shifting, beliefs changing. I got into an argument with the mentor I’ve mentioned a few times on this forum, a man that I thank for some of the esoteric knowledge I possess.
He implied my responsibility for the delay in the returning of his mail key, though I accept no fault in this. I had arranged for him to pick the key up two or three weeks ago and he arrived at my apartment to do so, but for whatever reason, had a seeming breakdown and left as I was coming up behind his vehicle to return it.
I mentioned this to him, and he immediately got offensively defensive, starting to use ‘fuck’ and other words that he rarely uses in texts, citing Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and some other stuff and my insensitivity.
We went back and forth for a bit before he started on the woe is me, and told me to throw away the mail key and my copy of his apartment key to which I replied…
Anyways, I only bring that up to say that I have very little fucks to give with just about anybody right now in my life that is crossing some line I can’t see. I wonder if this is Limit Destroyer. I also felt like this when I ran The Executive but deeper, so it could be that as well.
It’s also likely because of my lack of any self stimulation this week.
My interactions with everybody I would describe as becoming more naturalized, in the sense that I feel it is truly me expressing myself and not my ego or fears of judgment. I do harbor those kind of feelings at times. I’m just more calm and at peace with more, maybe.
My tolerance for crap is decreasing. Perhaps it’s a recon, though.
More later.
only for today, though.
