Running Wanted+GLM for a year in Sweden

[GoldenBird]

This is my second journal. I consider my first foray into subs(three months of Genesis, and then Khan) to have mostly failed, as I mostly ran them outside of their proper context and couldn’t take proper action. I made some progress in understanding myself better, but not to the point where changes became very visible in my external circumstances.

However, I learned a few things over the last two years that make me believe that I can do better this time, because I

• understand my patterns of recon fairly well now

• no longer doubt that these subs work, and it is up to me to make the most out of them through understanding myself more and more and taking aligned action

• can now stubbornly stick to a smaller stack for a prolonged amount of time until I actually manifest the goals I want

Yesterday, I finally received the second name-embedded major for my stack, which I intend to run for at least a year straight, no matter what.

They are:

GLM + I am Atman Synergy

New OG Wanted + Perfection Manifestation Synergy

Why? What is my situation like and what do I want to do?

I have been living in a city in Sweden for a year now, and I am not where I want to be socially and romantically. When I came here, I wanted to integrate well, and associate more with people outside of my faculty(which mostly consists of other foreigners), and I initially learned Swedish to help with this. To my surprise, nobody talked back in Swedish, but everyone just spoke in perfectly fluent English. Even the cashiers. Combined with the fact that my degree is highly demanding(Machine Learning), I found less and less time and motivation to learn Swedish, so I naturally ended up in what they call the foreigner bubble. Made a couple of good friends among them, but it took a year just to find a Swedish person that I look forward hanging out with, and is equally dissatisfied with the general awkwardness of Swedes. I am not into her(and she has a soon to be husband) but at least it gives me some start of starting point, and a person that might be able to help out with learning Swedish.

The Swedish people I’ve gotten to know in my class and outside of it have been…polite and distant, I would say. I have to initiate every time, and the conversations are one-sided, with them never asking personal questions and often excusing themselves early on. Just awkward and anything but fun. Don’t get invited to their fikas(Swedish custom of coffee&cake, basically) and won’t get introduced to their friends.

At some point, I started looking forward to hanging out with the Muslim Swedes and Muslim Immigrants because they’re just much warmer people, and conversation with them is so much more free-flowing(the Swedish friend I mentioned above also happens to be a Muslim Convert).

It was only in Sweden that I realized that I was quite outgoing and have a social need that feels undernourished right now. And I have not had a date or girlfriend in several years now. The latter is more of a pressing need than the former, hence why I went for Wanted instead of True Social or Inner Circle at this point.

I initially went to most of the bars here in my city, but realized that very few go there alone but rather people just bring their own group with them. And the groups do not really interact at all. It seemed more like overpriced social hangouts rather than places where people are open to meeting strangers. So I never ended meeting anyone, even when I came with a group and looked for people that might be interested. So given that I also do not enjoy drinking the overly expensive alcohol here, after a few months, I installed three dating apps, and experimented with various profiles and pictures on a daily basis, but got 1 match after several months across all of them. Got ghosted after it became apparent that I wasn’t fluent in Swedish. So that went nowhere.

Tried out joining uni clubs next. Most clubs are Swedish only here, and they were more for Swedish bachelor students. But found some sport clubs like a Badminton club. It was fun for the sport, but when I tried inviting people there for a fika, they just politely turned my down or were otherwise busy. My Swedish friend also suggested that this pathway is a really long one as she has also not met any of the people in her sport club outside of the club after 3 years. So that has not been fruitful either.

The Erasmus Student network organizes parties here from time to time(about once per month, so not that much, and even less during the Winter), which I usually attend, but I keep running into the same people there, mostly people from my own class, who couldn’t be any more boring, and they’re all dudes. And again, it’s all about the drinking, which I don’t like and isn’t compatible with my energy cultivation practices. When I arrived in Sweden, it didn’t take long for me to realize that drinking alcohol is very important to Swedes to loosen up and be briefly un-Swedish, at which point they suddenly become social; unfortunately they do a “factory reset” the next morning, as the Muslim Immigrants here call it, and will just revert to their old self.

I wanted to try the gym next, since I was hugely into lifting before I got a big shoulder injury just before Corona hit in Germany. Didn’t have enough money for it though at that time and couldn’t get the student discounts because of lovely Swedish bureaucracy slowing down the process of getting the personal number. So I picked up my Wooden Rings and went to a park instead. Thought I’d meet people there, but the people there just wanted to be left alone and work out inside of their own Swedish bubble. Only once had a guy ask me where I had gotten my rings from, with no further interest.

Next, I recalled that in many other countries I’ve been to, I always had good luck with meetup.com and attending local events. I was dismayed to find out that there were literally zero in-person events in my city in any given week I checked. And I checked for months. In Stockholm and Göteborg, it seems much better as they have plenty of events for foreigners, language cafes, speed dating events etc. But I am not in those cities, unfortunately. The city I am in is fairly large, but it sure does feel smaller. There are local events, but they do require native fluency in Swedish to be able to participate and ain’t cheap. It is Sweden, after all.

So a year later, I find myself somewhat more in control of my degree, which has freed up more time for me.

And I looked around myself. The people in my batch at university have been here for the same amount of time, and without exception, they all share the same lifestyle. They hang around with each other, have next to zero Swedish friends and no local girlfriends. They are busy finishing their degree, basically. Some of them don’t seem to mind the way things are going.

I do mind.

I don’t want to be in the same predictable course of events, where I know if I continue like this, things will remain exactly the same one year from now. I am strongly rebelling against the mere thought of this type of outcome. It was my initial fear that I’d just get a degree with nothing else after my stay here in Sweden. I want to do my best to prevent this scenario from coming true.

So it is time to retry some old things I gave up on too early and try out new things. There must be solutions to my problems.

Over the summer, I had went back to Germany and ran Alchemist while I reflected on things. There were clear mistakes I had made:

• I switched between subs too much in the past year. Which is mostly due to:

• not focusing on one aspect of my life, and trying to do three things at the same time(doing well at uni, romance and spirituality). Found out the hard way that this does not work well for me at all and that I do not multitask well. I learnt that I need to focus on one part of my life, the most urgent one, and that is forming a strong inner core that is independent of needing external validation and finding a girlfriend. I realized that the improvements I have to make to succeed in that area of life will also carry over the most to the other areas I want to develop further.

• I got discouraged too early from learning Swedish. Before coming to Sweden, I always learned foreign languages at a fast rate, but that was because I easily got immersed in them because people actually wanted to talk to me in the language I wanted to learn, and I enjoy this way of learning more than learning from books or having some abstract goal like getting to C1 in a language because of a job requirement. I easily learn a language when the culture is fascinating and the people eager to talk. Sweden is unfortunately none of these things for me yet, but I also have nothing to lose by doing my best to become more conversational in Swedish. I noticed a strange paradox in Sweden, which is that these are some of the most fluent non-native English speakers on the planet, and yet they often give you the feeling like you’re bothering them by using Engelska(English) instead of Svenska(Swedish), and they do seem to categorize people into compartments(people I only talk to at work, foreigners I talk to in English that I will not introduce to my friends etc), so the only way to get more accepted into Swedish society is to learn Swedish well. And even then, language does not really seem to be the main issue, but it is something I can do, at least.

• I was letting my bad experiences affect me too much. You can’t have good social experiences when you feel dragged down by your experiences. Yes, I can’t simply ignore the less than stellar experiences I am making here, but I can still try to remain optimistic in the absence of results.

All of these mistakes can be fixed.

So now onto possible solutions I can try in the upcoming weeks.

[GoldenBird]

• Dedicate more time everyday to getting better at conversational Swedish. If people reply in English, insist on using Swedish, even if I understand very little. As a native German speaker, I am actually surprised how low my listening comprehension can get, given that many people say that we Germans are supposed to have it the easiest learning Swedish. Reading is easy, yes, but speaking and listening…French was much easier for me to learn. Nevertheless, there is a SVT(Swedish TV) program where immigrants discuss their experiences in Sweden, with Swedish subtitles, and there is a Chrome extension which helps add subtitles of your choice. There are also audio focused courses I will use, along with two free Swedish courses that are being taught in the city, which I am already attending. This part is straightforward.

• Attend any social event, no matter which one. Start going to events meant for Swedish speakers, even if it will make it hard for me to follow.

• Put myself into any available social places as much as possible. I am not on the main university campus, which is in another city unfortunately, and takes 2 hours to get there and back, and the last bus comes back at 7 p.m., which make the logistics difficult for attending any student parties there. But I can hang out in cafes and thrift stores, and the like in my own city. It seems like a big no-no here in Sweden to approach strangers in these places, but I will approach if I get some Indicators of Interest first. Really hoping for Wanted to help me with this. I also managed to finally join a gym here that I can afford. I believe @Saiyan4blue has mentioned that he’s gotten approached despite looking foreign and intimidating, so it is not necessarily true that everyone is simply in their own bubble and wearing headphones to block out everyone else.

• Get back on the dating apps. Had discouraging results last year, yes, but this is one more pathway of manifestation I should keep open. You never know. Again, I hope Wanted will help me out a bit here. Really could use some help. Odds seem stacked against me, but fuck it, I need to believe like things can manifest there too.

• Wanted and LOTS earlier this year has already made me optimize my appearance further and further. First time I’ve used a self-made pore strip peel and hair mask. I’ve also been hunting for well-fitting clothes in the thrift stores here(can’t afford any of the main stores), which is difficult because Swedish people are taller and have different proportions, but I have found a few items so far. Gym-wise, I have always been into fitness, so my muscles are already popping, but I can definitely gain more mass, which is why I have made a bulking diet a habit now, powered by a Slow Cooker I recently got for this purpose.

• Explore more creative ways of socialization. I heard good things about the way people meet friends or girlfriends through their Church. I was amazed when I looked at all the social activities a nearby church is doing for free for its members, but unfortunately, I am not Christian at all, and they are interested in people that fit into their flock or which they can convert. But maybe there are other communities? I had this idea of finding like-minded people that are also into Daoist Arts or at least Indian forms of yoga, but I haven’t found anything remotely like that in this city. It just isn’t international enough, I guess. But I need to keep thinking in this direction.

• Swedish people either seem to meet through dating apps, or through meeting people at shared social activities. The latter is something I’ve been trying to figure out in terms of where I can fit in and meet people on a regular basis. I need to leave my comfort zone here since the things I care about the most are philosophy and energy cultivation, none of which seem to resonate with people I meet here, and there are no philosophy clubs here, not even in Swedish, and no interest in Eastern Arts.
  Perhaps something to do with self-help, since that is what I am doing most of time anyway? I need to look into perhaps creating my own club.

[GoldenBird]

As you can see from the above, I am putting Wanted and GLM to a real test. If I can fulfill my rather modest goals(get a healthy social circle and one girlfriend) here in Sweden, I think I can make it anywhere. This is the hardest country I have ever been to and all I am longing for is warm human connection. Since I am doubling down on my effort here to realize my goals, and the added x-factor is consistent use of two name-embedded majors, this will show how effective they can be over the period of a year for a stranger in a strange land.

I have been running the Custom GLM+I am Atman Synergy for exactly 30 days now already, at microloops of 30s to 1m. 45s seems to be the current sweet spot.
I simply love this sub. It is by far the most useful sub I’ve run from subclub, even outdoing my Limitless run that saved my degree last year.

In the last month, I got very clear benefits from it:

• discipline scripting goes hard. Cleaned up my entire environment, extending beyond my room towards my shared kitchen. I get this strong sense that my environment really does reflect my inner world, as the old hermetic maxim says. Clean mind creates a clean environment which in turn promotes a clean mind.

• started walking more upright and felt my breathing slow down. This is clearly in relation to fearing disapproval less in social settings. I am able to relax more when out and about. GLM seems to have helped me moving my hips while I am walking and noticing the stiffness in the hips among many Swedes. I am surprised myself at how confident I walk now. There is an actual swagger in me. Simultaneously, I am starting to feel sorry for what I perceive to be unhappiness or lack of vitality in people I meet on the road, while I am feeling this inner joy.

• amazing inner silence that sometimes gets very intense. Now, I’ve cultivated this for many years, but had a hard time maintaining it off the cushion and when faced with things I unfortunately still view as real(such as fearing ridicule or disapproval from women)- this has gotten vastly better in this rather short period of time. For most of the day, I simply feel a quiet inner joy that makes it very easy to remain cool headed in the heat of the moment.

• most likely related to the last point, I’ve been amazed at the structured nature of my thoughts and actions. I calmly execute one thing after another, and get a ton of things done without really feeling effort. I expected this from Executive, but have actually been getting this from GLM.

• in my last gym session, I finally felt something click in myself and I started letting go of the idea that other guys are competitors and started feeling brotherly love for them. It can basically be described as a feeling of wanting to see everyone succeed.

• in my talks with people, I have become much more eloquent, and perhaps related to how structured my thoughts have become, I am able to calmly lay out my arguments as if I was writing a speech in my own room. I have also been successful in de-escalating potential fights with guys.

• my voice has become even deeper than it already is.

• GLM has helped me distance myself and almost instantly dissolve negative thoughts, especially about myself and unhelpful generalizations. It definitely creates a barrier which doesn’t suppress things, but rather enables a clear-headed response through emotional detachment.

• this is the most noteworthy point for me. My dream recall became vastly better and nearly all of my dreams have become highly symbolic, and try their best to “speak to me” in intensely personal language. They always inform me what is being worked on and the more I “decode” the symbolism, the more helpful they are becoming and the richer their content. I am really looking forward to each dream every night.

• Had clear warnings delivered to my in my dreams not to go for a rigid view of what masculinity might be to me as told by other sources, but rather to carefully engage my “feminine” aspects; to be vulnerable when the time is right, to listen deeply, to be intuitive, to value cooperation over competition, and to prioritize connection over conquest. Similarly, other dreams revealed to me that for the longest time, I have been afraid to act before I feel 100% ready, out of a very old traumatic pattern in me where my mom instilled both perfectionism and procrastination in me as a young child, which I adopted because I became afraid of her judgement and expectations, which I was never able to live up to, and as hard as it may be for me to admit that sometimes, psychologists are not that far out with their theories, I am still fearing female disapproval or criticism in every women I come across as the result of that old wound.

• I have been able to come down from the clouds, so to speak. I am a very heady, very mental type of person, and it has been difficult to admit to myself that I have some very human, personal and social desires such as having good friends and a girlfriend again. This is a very grounding experience for me.

• in the span of the first week on GLM, I had no less than three girls tell me that they trust me within a few minutes of meeting them. I had never heard people say that before, and especially not in those social contexts I was in. They were looking towards me to guide them to places and where to sit down etc. I became aware that I can meet people from a place of security and trust.

• I have been strongly questioning some of my more desperate choices in my social life. I do not like to drink. I do not like to dance, especially not to loud music. I prefer romantic settings where I can have deep conversations for hours. “Choose your settings wisely” kept repeating in my mind. I have been struggling with finding better socializing opportunities that play towards my strengths, but there is a clear sense of wanting to return/approach my real me and not pretend to be someone else just to be able to fit in. This is either GLM and/or the I am Atman Synergy at work.

• One thing that has been very noticeable since I started with the NGLM sub is that I feel no impulse to ejaculate to porn. KB and Dragon Reborn have helped with this last year, but this is on another level or builds on them, somehow. I may still get aroused, but there is no strong pull anymore. It is actually hard to get my mind to want that, even in the absence of other outlets. Surprisingly, something in there may contain the Stop Porn/Masturbation scripting, perhaps, or something indirectly triggers this response in me. Anyhow, it is most welcome, and has made my life much more pleasant.

• I have become sharply aware of the doubts in my mind. Almost every day, it occurs to me that I do not have much faith, and that my mind is filled with doubts. I know intuitively that I have to trust in the universe to provide what is meant for me, but it isn’t easy when I am losing my patience. I want results, now. And at the same time, I am recognizing that this impatience is not serving me, at all. It is tough to develop trust after being marginalized or bullied your whole life, but I am getting there.

[GoldenBird]

I added New OG Wanted(store version) to GLM 12 days ago. Yesterday evening, I received the custom Wanted version with Perfection Manifestation Synergy, and today I ran Custom GLM and Custom Wanted as a stack for the first time.

Through a friend, I got to know that there is a almost hidden weekly Språkcafé (language cafe) in my city. I went there in the afternoon today, hoping to not only practice Swedish but also to meet new people.
Well…it was a sausage fest. 98% Middle Eastern Men, which is still nice since they’re fun to be around with(especially the Iraqis), but no females except for the old Swedish volunteer instructor and one Hazari Afghan Girl. Quickly realized that I was way in over my head, as the people there had been actively learning Swedish for more than 5 years already and were just sharing stories from their lives in fluent Swedish, while I struggled to make out bits and pieces. But one guy said “Jag kommer från Tyskland”(I come from Germany), and I was happy to find another German person there. Turns out he had just arrived in Sweden, but had been learning on his own for 5 years already from a community college back in Germania.
Talked to him after class, as the Hazari Afghan girl had practically run away before I could even open my mouth. Nice guy, but the experience seems to have been designed to teach my to consider other, more open perspectives. He was already approached my Swedish girls on his first day in Stockholm on the way here, and had nothing but warm and positive social interactions in his first week so far, which put my entire year here to shame. Couldn’t help but feel the sting of jealousy well up in me, but steadied myself and got his Whatsapp.
Tall, thin body, stoic expressionless face, if he didn’t tell me he was German I’d straight up assume he was Swedish.
Have to remind myself that there is no use in comparing other souls and their journeys to mine.

Come to think of it, through various acquaintances here I’ve come to know that practically all the successful integration cases of foreigners are German men in this town. They thrive here in Sweden. They all easily found jobs and without exception they’re all married to locals. They can’t understand the complaints of other foreigners. They do not feel socially isolated and like pretty much all aspects of Swedish society. This makes me wonder how German I actually am.

I would like to believe that the key here is to become as unassuming as possible, like they seem to be, but I also cannot ignore the reality of ethnic segregation patterns I’ve seen everywhere since arriving in Sweden. They’re all over Europe, with dark skinned immigrants doing the menial labor the locals no longer want to do. It is very obvious in France and Germany, as well. Unspoken racist attitudes that are to be expected in largely ethnically homogenous societies like Sweden. I’ve spoken enough to Muslim immigrants here in Sweden to know that their experience is often vastly different from Caucasian Men and Women that are hard to distinguish from Swedes themselves, all the way extending to people not getting hired by Swedish HR for having “exotic” names(yes, people change their names legally to deal with this problem).

Job-wise, I have a fully German name, so that is not a problem, but I certainly do not look German at all, being of mixed Eurasian descent. Most likely due to the influence of Wanted, I am thinking about how to make this into an advantage for me, as growing up in Germany, my biracial identity had been relentlessly pounded into me as something that put me at a disadvantage in both cultures I am supposed to share. This has always been difficult to heal, as all of my combined experiences in both Germany and Taiwan have given me that same impression, which leads to a victim mentality, which in turn manifests more corresponding negative experiences.

Thankfully, I am somewhat able now to emotionally detach myself from this, and try to re-frame it as something that could lead to more appeal, rather than useless self-pity. I don’t really fit into that whole Korean wave thing which is popular in Europe, but I have to avoid getting stereotyped as a Chinese student here(most people assume I am Asian). I know many of them here, and they have it rough, socially and romantically speaking(I see Swedish guys with East Asian women a lot but not the opposite). Never seen one of them integrate at all or have local partners, unless they were born here. I would love to meet local Eurasians here, but have only met one guy so far, who has been very Swedish in that he was not at all interested in maintaining contact.

I have also played with the thought of going all the way with becoming unassuming, forgetting that I am of x race, and forgetting where I am. This seems to be the most useful line of thought, especially as I maintain internal silence. I think I have no other choice but to go with this attitude.

[GoldenBird]

In terms of having run Wanted for almost two weeks, what are my results, so far?

The inner joy and calm from GLM seems to have become modified further. Especially during and after gym sessions(happens a lot since I go there 5 times a week), I get an amazing self-assured calm state that sweeps over me. My gaze becomes relaxed, and I become able to check out people without feeling creepy, and I was able to walk past several attractive women in the gym without becoming self-conscious and awkward in my body, as before.
I like how much more playful I have become. I naturally love to smile and joke, but now I also taking risks and teasing people more than before, and it’s great fun for me.
In the gym, I have recently started to wonder, as I blissed out between sets, why gym culture is so stiff and sad. You look around, and all you see are boys and girls grimly working out in their own bubbles, and except for gym buddies, they do not interact, at all. Especially the men are very fearful in their eyes, and carefully avoid looking anywhere near the provocatively dressed female gymrats. And everyone has those damn headphones on. I have never seen a country so full of people wearing big thick headphones almost 24/7. Combined with their excessive smartphone use, I feel sad that I couldn’t experience being a young guy between the 1970s and 1990s. What a time it must have been.

I recognize that this very very pleasant state of inner harmony, a calm amused state, is the state I was looking for. This is what enables me to be my best self and to flirt anywhere.
I have almost become obsessed with improving my beard style and maintaining my long hair. Before, I was often forced by peer pressure to cut my hair short, especially in China. But I actually prefer growing my hair out. And thanks to being Eurasian, I can grow a beard. Not the Middle Eastern one I’d like(the full one), but sort of what another mixed guy, Keanu Reeves, has been rocking since he got older. I don’t like the cookie-cutter 1930s Nazi youth hairstyle that has gotten popular with barbers around the world in the past 10 years, so I am doing my own thing.

Unfortunately, my joyous and calm state has not translated to external manifestations yet (you can probably see why I doubled down on the manifestation scripting for the Wanted Custom).
Feel practically invisible in the social spaces I’ve been to. I have been warned multiple times not to approach Swedes before they have checked me out or at least given some sort of IOI. But they’re hard to come by. I heard that Swedish women were supposed to be more in their masculine, neo-liberal feminist state and all, but have not been approached or even gotten a double take. If I meet their eyes, they immediately look away to the side. The only remarkable exception so far has been an evening jog, where a Chinese woman that came across me gave me a big smile. Not sure if I actually know her from somewhere, but should have stopped her.
One of the purposes of running GLM is to address my neediness, which has built up over the years due to lack of attention and inner fulfilment. I feel like this would most easily be countered by a sense of abundance, but the question is how many positive experiences I need before I let my mind convince itself that it is not coming from a scarcity mindset that has been plaguing me since early childhood.
I’d take subtle hovering or accidental bumps, just give me something to work with. Attended a birthday party of a friend a week ago, felt very relaxed and comfy in my muscle shirt and was having fun with people, but the girls were non-responsive. The birthday guy then appreciated a cake I had made for him and tried to set me up with a Chinese friend of his, but the girl cancelled the meeting saying she had other parties to go to.

Speaking of which, a few days before starting to add Wanted, a Tajik Afghani Girl moved in next door to me in my flat. I thought I had hit some pre-sults, as she is my type and not the conservative kind(no hijab, seems to be open to things). I shared some of my self-made cake with her and her sister, who was impressed with my baking skills and asked me to teach her younger sister that along with English. The girl has a very charming smile and seemed un-Swedish, despite having moved her more than a decade ago. We seemed to initially vibe, as she had many racist experiences growing up in Sweden. But when I invited her to explore a student event with me, she came up with an excuse that she had to learn for her pre-med school exams. She complained that her Swedish classmates bore her to death, I tried to provide an alternative multiple times, but she is making it hard to get her out. I am hoping that she is just too busy and tired, but at the back of my mind, I kind of already know that she is not really making time for me or even keen to keep me in longer conversation. So no discernible Wanted effect there yet, either.

I am trying to re-frame this or recognize the lesson in this. I think it is in becoming truly detached from the possibility of striking out, which gives freedom and relaxedness, which in turn makes me more likely not to strike out. But this is hard to truly accept for me, seeing as opportunities come so seldomly to me, still. GLM and Wanted ask me to be nonchalant, but I am naturally quite reactive and emotional, so this is hard to process.
And then again, another voice in me asks: Why can’t we all learn together, and find mistakes or nervousness cute?
Now, I can tell that I am in recon. The 1m GLM + 1m Wanted was too much, despite the two weeks of build-up. I can tell, because yesterday, as I was joyously relaxed in the gym, I felt sheer possibility, I felt that being with beautiful women was an inevitability, whereas today, as I reflect on the past few weeks, I feel almost hopeless. This swing shall be temporary. I am very careful right now to monitor my thoughts, especially thoughts that put me down. I recognize that I am swinging between strongly established old patterns and weakly erected new, more positive ones, and I have to carefully tend to the growth of the new to help me get to my beloved, wherever she may be.

[Lion]

Your journal entries were a fascinating read. Your persistence is admirable and your achievements in learning Swedish, building your body and being a spiritually cultured individual, knowledgeable in Daoism Yoga and Philosophy are worth being proud of.

I was very engaged reading your above posts because they showed that you have a very introspective mind combined with a relentless spirit of pushing yourself out there to achieve your goals.

As much as you are facing some difficulties right now, I do hope you will gain the friend circle you deserve and a woman who appreciates you for who you are. Am surprised that you are not being fought over for your baking skills alone! Lol.

I wish I had some advice to give but I think your GLM and Wanted customs will help you more. And i do think you are doing everything in your power to reach your goals so I cannot even think of changing anything you are doing.

That mindset you had where you think of people as simply being people and in turn bringing out a more relaxed and fun side out of you, is worth pursuing for a longer duration. When I read it, I remembered the times I forgot where so and so were from and it made it much easier for me to talk to them and find out what they liked irrespective of their upbringing.

Keep putting yourself out there. You are worthy to receive what you desire!

[praisetheurdtree]

Oh boy, you’re gonna have FUN in Sweden once Wanted starts blooming.

[Saiyan4Blue]

Boy was this journal heavy to read since i related to many of the struggles way before and some even now!

One thing i did not see mentioned is your fashion. In Sweden apperances sadly play a big role. If you got some money then it’s wise to look the part of the ” circles ” you would like to enter

For example you have the ” Walla Brors ”, fellow immigrants who speak broken accent but mostly the ” Walla bror svär på mammas liv mannen ” & wear bland to wanna be street thug clothes etc

The usually learn Swedish together in their own accent & the ghetto mannerisms since they feel unnaccepted by other circles & only themselves. Learning their accent will create a glass ceiling i would avoid!

The rest is bland & boring. The Swedish gymbros, energy drinking - zyn sipping bro circles where they all talk and act monotone

Then you have the occasional ” outsider ” in an all white group. In high schools its usually a very funny asian guy who befriends everyone. It could be also be the ones born here, fully fitting the mold. Think the Persian girl hanging out with 4 more uppity Swedish group etc

Me personally? I like people who are weird, quirky and have a strong sense of self… an originality to them.

I learned to mostly flow in each circle if need be, but i have my own people. Who are fellow black sheep.

As for you, focus on appearances. You may be shocked that it matters far more than you say or speak. Thats one how to get it. Tattoos help alot as well. But once you do, you might feel like it was never worth the trouble. Its too damn bland

[MAkh]

@GoldenBird

As you can see from the above, I am putting Wanted and GLM to a real test. If I can fulfill my rather modest goals(get a healthy social circle and one girlfriend) here in Sweden, I think I can make it anywhere. This is the hardest country I have ever been to and all I am longing for is warm human connection. Since I am doubling down on my effort here to realize my goals, and the added x-factor is consistent use of two name-embedded majors, this will show how effective they can be over the period of a year for a stranger in a strange land.

I honestly think you’ll hit these goals and then more some. This latest batch of titles are actually outstanding in terms of results

Cool journal btw

[GoldenBird]

@Lion

Your journal entries were a fascinating read. Your persistence is admirable and your achievements in learning Swedish, building your body and being a spiritually cultured individual, knowledgeable in Daoism Yoga and Philosophy are worth being proud of.

If I learned anything from Plato’s dialogues, it is that I should not claim any of those things in good conscience. But I will update this journal on a daily basis from now on, and you will see if any of this “knowledge” actually pays off! The proof of the pudding is in the eating!

@Lion

I was very engaged reading your above posts because they showed that you have a very introspective mind combined with a relentless spirit of pushing yourself out there to achieve your goals.

I often feel like I have, as a result of my early life, been pushed into having too much of the former, and not enough of the latter. The “relentless spirit” is something I am actively cultivating in myself to counter self-pity and that whole paralysis by analysis thing in me that is rather strong.

@Lion

As much as you are facing some difficulties right now, I do hope you will gain the friend circle you deserve and a woman who appreciates you for who you are. Am surprised that you are not being fought over for your baking skills alone! Lol.

Much appreciated. I hope you’ll get everything you want in Calcutta. Must be interesting running Wanted there!

Well, one of the Swedish girls on my floor is now calling me her food influencer lol. She used to basically hide in her room, but now she is finally coming to the kitchen and at least engages in short convos here and there about the food I am making. Like all three girls on my floor right now, she says she doesn’t enjoy making food and thinks there is not enough time in the day to make several healthy meals. That is a big turn-off for me. They either make one big one-pot meal and then microwave the prepped meals for half of the week or they just microwave things they get from somewhere. I avoid the microwave altogether. It’s not healthy enough for me and reeks of laziness.

@Lion

That mindset you had where you think of people as simply being people and in turn bringing out a more relaxed and fun side out of you, is worth pursuing for a longer duration.

Of course. Whenever I find a trait that is fun and useful to me, I seek to stabilize it over time until it becomes a wholly unconscious habit. That’s the idea of mastery, right?

@Lion

Keep putting yourself out there. You are worthy to receive what you desire!

bhai

@praisetheurdtree

Oh boy, you’re gonna have FUN in Sweden once Wanted starts blooming.

Wanted is already working in the background, and from what I can see, it is making me socialize even more than before and makes me want to improve my appearance/wardrobe. Also makes me feel suave from time to time. So it is setting the foundational conditions. I followed the recent reports of people using Wanted in the main thread, and I am happy to read that people are especially noticing the increased IOIs and manifestation scripting, right from their first loop onwards. I hope I’ll experience some of that, or at least figure out what may block these manifestations in my socializing attempts.

@MAkh

I honestly think you’ll hit these goals and then more some. This latest batch of titles are actually outstanding in terms of results

I hope so too. These titles are indeed very powerful, hence why I invested what money I had and why I want to run it for a long time.

[GoldenBird]

@Saiyan4Blue

Boy was this journal heavy to read since i related to many of the struggles way before and some even now!

I was hoping you’d drop in. I’ve always read your posts with the greatest interest, not just because of your experience, but also because you seem to have made your way in Swedish society as someone who belongs to a group that often get discriminated against for their appearance alone.

@Saiyan4Blue

One thing i did not see mentioned is your fashion. In Sweden apperances sadly play a big role. If you got some money then it’s wise to look the part of the ” circles ” you would like to enter

I know, and not just in Sweden. I’ll simply show you how I appear in daily life. One pic taken in the gym today(also as a reference for me, since I am running a physical shifting title):

And since the weather is already getting cold, this is what I am usually wearing, when outside:

Anything wrong? Colors look muted enough for me.

Most Swedish guys I see look bland as hell to me. Sneakers, Nudie Jeans, Hoodie or those Patagonia/Northface/whatever Naturkompaniet is selling right now type of jackets.
The other kind is the “preppy” one, which is even worse. Oxford shoes, suits on campus, omega type of watches.
I don’t want to imitate either of them.

@Saiyan4Blue

For example you have the ” Walla Brors ”, fellow immigrants who speak broken accent but mostly the ” Walla bror svär på mammas liv mannen ” & wear bland to wanna be street thug clothes etc

The usually learn Swedish together in their own accent & the ghetto mannerisms since they feel unnaccepted by other circles & only themselves. Learning their accent will create a glass ceiling i would avoid!

While I enjoy hanging around with the Muslim guys and girls here, I most certainly don’t want that Walla Bror accent! In Germany, we have the equivalent that was made by the Turkish German rappers, and is incredibly grating on the ears. Would never fit me, anyways.

@Saiyan4Blue

The Swedish gymbros, energy drinking - zyn sipping bro circles where they all talk and act monotone

I know what you mean. Not a fan of that group, either.

My Swedish friend refers to this as “Swedish breakfast”, which consists of two cans of Nocco(a kind of energy drink) and a packet of snus(pouch of powdered tobacco that people put under their lip). Those Nocco cans and Velo snus packages are everywhere. People are really addicted, and not just the gymbros stuffing the garbage can in the locker room with 1000 Nocco cans every day, but Swedish women also drink that shit pretty much everywhere.

@Saiyan4Blue

Me personally? I like people who are weird, quirky and have a strong sense of self… an originality to them.

Me too. I find Swedish people to be surprisingly collectivist in their opinions, or rather, lack thereof. People look the same, wear the same, and talk about the same things. I saw more originality in China, even. People fear standing out too much, or being perceived as showing off. But all this false humbleness leads to are more subtle ways of showing off.

@Saiyan4Blue

I learned to mostly flow in each circle if need be, but i have my own people. Who are fellow black sheep.

Where did you find your own people? Do you ever get into this situation where you feel there is a risk to hanging out with fellow black sheep, more specifically where shared trauma dumping might just reinforce victim mindsets?

@Saiyan4Blue

As for you, focus on appearances. You may be shocked that it matters far more than you say or speak. Thats one how to get it. Tattoos help alot as well. But once you do, you might feel like it was never worth the trouble. Its too damn bland

Bror, I’ve noticed the prevalence of tattoo studios around every street corner in this city. And they’re always full of clients, no matter what time of the day it is. People enjoy mutilating themselves around here. I come from a Confucian household, where it is believed that you should not mess with what your parents gave you. Chinese originally believed in the sanctity of the human body, to the point that earrings were also considered a form of self-mutilation. And tattoes, in my own opinion, are a strong commitment to something that is akin to a spell cast on your body. And obviously something irreversible.
There are few things girls can do to totally put me off, but tattoes, especially crude ones, are one of them. So I am not going to do that, either.

Since I am close to setting up shop on the dating apps again, you can bet that I am focused on improving my looks, since it unfortunately counts for so much. I am unsatisfied with the hair I grew out. I would like to make it thicker/more voluminous and easier to manage. It is very fine, prone to greasiness and does not respond well to most products. And when short, it has that Chinese property of being uncontrollable and sticking out in all directions like the spikes of porcupine. And when long, it becomes curly like German hair, but the smallest breeze throws it into a wild mess. My father had the same problem.
The last two barbers I’ve been to in the Swedish city of mine have been disappointments. All they seem to know is how to do that same Hitler Youth haircut that we Germans know all to well(incidentally also mostly made by Middle Eastern barbers), with the sides completely shaved or with a “fade”(which doesn’t really work with Chinese hair) and a bit of hair on the top. I’ve tried asking barbers in various countries to try a new haircut that fits my face, and they always either go for that, or that old English haircut, which is also short and just makes me look older. So I am still hesitant about trying another barber here in town. But I need to do something about making my hair look better and less frizzy/greasy.

[JCDenton]

@GoldenBird

Anything wrong? Colors look muted enough for me.

Everyone needs to find their own style and this is my personal opinion only:
The issue I see with these clothes and colors is that they are 100% boring and almost NPC like.
Too grey, too boring, too German.
There is nothing unique about these outfits, rather something a secret agent would wear in order to blend in with the dull masses.
Nothing here reflects how your personality is special or what would be so special about you.
With these boring clothes your are only standing out with the long hair, which is cool because this can be used as something that makes you special. But the clothes are working against you in my opinion.
If you cannot blend it with the Swedish masses and be fully accepted by them, maybe go the celebrity route, i.e. dress as someone who is “above them” and that they should be grateful for a celebrity like you visiting their greyish boring country (like what @anon78457040 is doing in Asia with his style).
Again, all personal opinion.
When I was on WB, I got rid of all my polo shirts, because as I wanted man, I can never again walk around dressed like most people are.

[GoldenBird]

Found another free language class. Went there in the afternoon. Was the complete opposite of the language cafe yesterday, as it was taught in English, rather than Swedish. The teacher is good, but I realized that his way of teaching would not be useful for my goals; he has that European academic approach to learning languages, where obscure names for grammar are used to make students memorize various patterns and then drill exceptions ad nauseum. But I just want to to learn naturally, and have good conversations and become able to join local social events so that I can be out and about with people I care about. I am not interested in knowing how to say 223nd of something in Swedish, or other things I will never use.

But then I realized that I had completely forgotten about this genius’s approach to learning languages: https://www.youtube.com/@languagelords/videos

This is the most straightforward and actually hardcore approach to learning a foreign language I know of. That guy dropped a really useful method on youtube, went viral and disappeared. Granted, I do not have the 8 hours he spent on a given language each day, since my main purpose here is not to learn Swedish. But I can still dedicate a couple hours to follow his method.

Didn’t run into any interesting people at the language class. I always wonder why people are in such a rush to head home.

At the gym, I was mentally refining a list I had made on paper several times before, an idea I had picked up from Corey Wayne’s 3% Man. He suggested to think about your ideal woman in great detail, listing what makes her great in your eyes. Then you focus on the top 10 traits you can’t do without, and see the other parts of the list as a bonus, so to speak, since it might be unrealistic to find all of these things in one person. And then the crucial part was to review this list every morning. I guess what this does is that it not only clarifies to you what you are looking for, but also trains your attention to look for it more wherever you go. So this would fit perfectly with the manifestation scripting, specifically the Perfection Manifestation module I added to Wanted.

I’d add to this one idea that I consider to be important for me.
It is the idea that I should only demand something from a woman I can offer myself. If I want a girl that makes me laugh, I should be witty myself. If I want a girl that constantly learning new recipes and enjoys cooking, I should have that trait too. Of course, not everything should match, and I see genders as complementary rather than opposites, but there should be resonance and one should not demand things that are utterly missing in one’s own life.

However, despite having a clear idea about these qualities, I keep running into people with basically the opposite qualities. For example, I place high value on my health and fitness, and I enjoy cooking and baking, but somehow I am surrounded by people that do not care about any of those things. So find places where people that are like minded hang out, right? That is where the problems start. Sport clubs here are very expensive. It is a lifestyle. I can barely afford the gym now. Cooking classes I have not been able to find, and without being fluent in Swedish, it is also not yet practical. The same for my other interests such as philosophy.
Right now, it feels like I am at the mercy of chance.

[GoldenBird]

Thanks for the feedback. Keep in mind that I am German, and that I am trying to figure out how these German friends of mine fit in so well in Sweden, unlike the other ethnic groups. I do want to signal that I am German and not Chinese, because the former actually helps me around here. In Germany, I always thought I could leverage my Chinese heritage as a point of curiosity, but in reality, I simply had to unnecessarily fight against stereotypes all the time, to my own detriment.

As Germans, we do have some shared sensibilities, and one of them is that people fear standing out too much. So people seem to go for 90% NPC, 10% something that makes you slightly stand out, at least that’s how I understand Sweden so far. What Sub.Zero is doing is what I’ve seen Americans do in Beijing all the time, and that’s alright if it works out for him, which I cannot verify myself. Also keep in mind, that I am basically getting my stuff from thrift stores, which even to me feel very similarish and boring, but these are the hand-me-downs that I can afford. I may get lucky and find things that instantly resonate with me and signal something to the world that I can feel fully congruent with, but at this point, I am happy enough if I find something after hours of searching that actually fits on my non-Swedish body and that I can afford.

I’d be the last person to want to give off drab boring accountant vibes, but I also have to consider that peacocking does not feel congruent with me at all. In fact, what makes me me the most is my interest in renunciates and philosophers. They can do what they do because they have left society and people throw stones at them until they become famous enough at the end of their lives. But if there is one thing I have learned, it is that their ways and thought, which resonate with me very much, lead to social isolation or getting executed like Socrates, which is okay for them, but not for me while I am still trying to find my place in the world. Yes, everyone knows about the famous gurus and their effect on women, but it is their fame that pulls. And this has always been a dodgy aspect of guruship, where gurus almost inevitably fall.

So yes, right now, I am trying to find out if I am being German/Swedish enough so that I don’t have to worry about my appearance and can just do whatever I need to do to accomplish my stated goals without something obvious holding me back.

[JCDenton]

@GoldenBird

Also keep in mind, that I am basically getting my stuff from thrift stores, which even to me feel very similarish and boring, but these are the hand-me-downs that I can afford.

One can get very stylish affordable non-boring and sufficient-enough-quality clothes from New Yorker. As far as I know New Yorker is available in Sweden too.
It is usually only a few € more expensive than what you get from thrift stores, however having a new and energetically clean (!) item is totally worth it.
Not to sound too esoteric, but cloth do absorb some of the energy of their previous owners and that energy then influences you when you wear that item and may distort what your aura is radiating outwards.

@GoldenBird

Keep in mind that I am German, and that I am trying to figure out how these German friends of mine fit in so well in Sweden

Well, boring and boring flock together. Same as in Germany.
You probably cannot fit in Sweden as a German, because you are not really a German in the sense that you are mentally and spiritually far ahead of most Germans.
Because, since you are here on this forum, working so much on yourself, being open minded to spiritual ideas etc. you are already extremely far away from being “a regular German”.
I am saying this is a compliment.
In fact, I believe if you are trying to become even more German or Swedish and fit in, you are only lowering yourself down from where you are already at.
My advice would to stop trying to become like the NPC’s and embrace your uniqueness and express it fully (just make sure you can pay your bills).
The motto of Sub Club is to “become legendary”, not “be accepted by the masses”.

@GoldenBird

I’d be the last person to want to give off drab boring accountant vibes, but I also have to consider that peacocking does not feel congruent with me at all.

That “embrace the spotlight” scripting in ASBR also helps a lot with dressing out of the norm and embracing standing out.

And you don’t need to peacock, just adding some bright color here and there will already do wonders.

Anyways, sorry for hijacking your journal with my opinions, I will stop commenting here if you want that.

PS: KHAN Total Breakdown helps to heal that desire to fit in and turns into the desire to distance yourself from the sheep as much as possible.

[GoldenBird]

I actually really like your line of thought, and I agree. I am just not sure at this point how to pull it off. Nobody here perceives me as a German to begin with, even in terms of behavior or thought, which is natural given my complicated background. I don’t find Germans or Swedes to be sympathetic, they’re not exactly charismatic cultures that pull you in. However, I’ve leaned into my own identity up until now(I used to look wildly different), and it worked against me so much that I began questioning the validity of sticking to my passions and signalling who I truly am, because when you are punished for that your entire life, you begin questioning things. This is the power of peer pressure. Society is a force that compels you to conform.
You can see this very well in Sweden. The Germans succeed, by and large, not only because they look the most similar, but also because it is easy for them to adapt to the Swedish, and this makes the Swedish comfortable. The other ethnicities, especially the Indians and the Chinese, and the Middle Easteners to a certain extent, value keeping their own ways alive, but pay the price which is total social isolation. They get to be with their own people, but they might as well be on the Moon. They are barely tolerared for existing, but they’re just cut off. The ideas of “integration” are laughable around here. It’s virtue signalling by the state.

I think it is possible what you say, and I would very much like that reality. You’d have to have an extremely solid inner confidence in who you are and what you represent, and be completely immune to lack of response and aggression of various kinds. I mean, I know a Japanese-American guy here that got spat on publicly in separate daylight encounters in his first few months here already. He’s left Sweden already. Too hostile for him.
I was thinking of alternative ways, where I avoid attract unwanted attention by dressing inconspicuously, and then through my conversation and actions reveal that I am different. And of course let the aura do its thing.
I will try many things, for sure. But thank you for giving me food for thought!

EDIT:

@JCDenton

As far as I know New Yorker is available in Sweden too.

Oh sweet, it is actually in town here. Gonna visit it tomorrow.

@JCDenton

Not to sound too esoteric, but cloth do absorb some of the energy of their previous owners and that energy then influences you when you wear that item and may distort what your aura is radiating outwards.

That is most likely true. The good thing here is though that second-hand stuff is really barely worn, practically indistinguishable from new ones, except that they’re 1/20 of the price. Swedish logic.

@JCDenton

That “embrace the spotlight” scripting in ASBR also helps a lot with dressing out of the norm and embracing standing out.

And you don’t need to peacock, just adding some bright color here and there will already do wonders.

I am sure it is in the New Wanted somewhere, too. Would make sense.

Yes, by all means, I’ll try.

@JCDenton

Anyways, sorry for hijacking your journal with my opinions, I will stop commenting here if you want that.

Dude, this is valuable feedback and much appreciated. By all means, drop by anytime and comment if you see me do something dumb.

[JCDenton]

Great! Thanks for your feedback as well.

Some more things I can see here:

@GoldenBird

I am just not sure at this point how to pull it off.

Maybe the underlying issue is that you are trying to fit in?
That you are trying to become like one of them?
Because you are envious of how they all accept each other.
How they all vibe together, while you feel ignored?
Nothing wrong with wanting human connection, being accepted etc.
You want what they have.
And you want what you are observing in your daily life.
Envious of how they all accept each other and are “on the same wave lenght”.

But don’t sell out your soul and true personality for this.
The desire for external validation should never justify you giving up your soul’s dinginity and uniqueness.

KHAN Stage 1, Love Bomb, ASBR, GLM are the healing titles that come to my mind here. You are already on the new GLM, which I am pretty sure will help to detach from that need of external validation. Wanting “to fit in like them”, will become an obsolete idea as you will validate yourself completely and just do what YOU want to do.

@GoldenBird

and it worked against me so much that I began questioning the validity of sticking to my passions and signalling who I truly am, because when you are punished for that your entire life, you begin questioning things. This is the power of peer pressure. Society is a force that compels you to conform.

I understand this bro.
But in the end there are only two main choices here:

a) Succumb to this, give in, continue trying to fit in, maybe one day get accepted by the masses, and in the process kill a part of you true self and sell out your soul, and later on your death bed, resent yourself for selling out…

or

b) …Outsmart those NPCs and find a way how you can be your true self, completely validate yourself from the inside, while still being able to pay your bills, and in the end even rise so far that they all will look up to you like to a celebrity.

If you are truly expressing yourself, there will always be people who will be inspired by your courage and freedom to express yourself. Which is what Bruce Lee did in Hollywood for example.

Find your unique nieche and build yourself as a high status person from there. Until one day, it will be them, who will be looking for your validation.
GLM and WANTED will also help you with that.

GLM will make you self-sovereign and WANTED will help you embrace all your flaws and turn them into magnetic character traits.

Being of mixed heritage will no longer be a reason for “not being accepted” (as your current belief system reflects), but will be the complete opposite: It will be one of your unique traits that will make you even more wanted and special.

@GoldenBird

The Germans succeed

How does that success look like?
Being invited to parties?
Being promoted at jobs?
Having a Swedish GF?

Ask yourself what exactly you are really after here?
And what you are even envious about?

Then decide whether you still choose to belief this and define this as the “success” which you are after.

@GoldenBird

and this makes the Swedish comfortable.

And what would prevent you personally from making the Swedish NPCs feel even more comfortable being around you?

Maybe they can subconsciously sense that you are secretly judging them and your whole interaction with them?

Maybe they can sense that you want their validation and they sense how you tryhard try to become like one of them?
And then they reflect to you back your deep seated fears.

But don’t worry, GLM, WANTED etc. will heal that long term.

@GoldenBird

The other ethnicities, especially the Indians and the Chinese, and the Middle Easteners to a certain extent, value keeping their own ways alive, but pay the price which is total social isolation.

You need to completely detach from these identities.
Especially that identity of the “non-Swedisch looking immigrant that is treated like a 2nd class citizen”.
It is a very toxic self-sabotaging identity.
Identifying yourself with concepts like these where you believe that they are holding you back from also being “successful with the Swedes” are doing exactly that: they are holding you back and holding you down!

@GoldenBird

You’d have to have an extremely solid inner confidence in who you are and what you represent, and be completely immune to lack of response and aggression of various kinds.

Yes, and with Sub Club this easier than ever.
GLM, Love Bomb, ASBR, KHAN.
Maybe new WANTED too, I don’t know yet.

[GoldenBird]

Had to sleep on this, but this was a good post. Thank you.

@JCDenton

Maybe the underlying issue is that you are trying to fit in?

Precisely. It is a reaction to

@JCDenton

You want what they have.
And you want what you are observing in your daily life.
Envious of how they all accept each other and are “on the same wave length”.

If I could reduce it to a simple impression that is likely in my subconscious, it is:

• Was myself until I got schooled.

• in School, I first became aware that I actually got perceived differently than others and got beaten up(stood no chance as a scrawny guy), ridiculed and excluded. People thought I had some kind of stoic mindset and called me Mr IDGAF, but this was actually a traumatic response.

• Really leaned into my personal interests, did unusual things, appeared differently and got no response anywhere I went(up until end of 20s)

• Started doubting myself more and more (20s)

• Started observing others to find out what could work(20s)

• Started compromising myself and losing myself(early 30s)

• Still got no response(now in second half of my 30s)

And this was internalized over many years, as you can see. So parts of me got confused and correlate certain things in order to make sense of why things I want do not easily come my way. The most painful part of this is that my mind can viciously attack itself as result of prolonged frustration, and that’s when the self-doubt and self-compromising starts.

@JCDenton

But don’t sell out your soul and true personality for this.
The desire for external validation should never justify you giving up your soul’s dinginity and uniqueness.

The crazy thing is that I found old journals of mine from 15 years ago, and I wrote very similar things to myself at that time, already.
The difficulty that I encountered was basically

• I am aware of what was done to me, and can reflect on this and try to let go.
• However, there was a strange disconnect between my reflections and what I perceived to be the external world. I seemed to make inner progress, but the external world remained the same. This seemed to prove to me that I did not actually reach the subconscious/unconscious level, and that my appearance/the way I held myself still reflected old patterns, therefore I still reproduced the same circumstances that haunted me before. My intellectual understandings were powerless in daily life.
• Unfortunately, this led me to doubt my personal interests and the things that make me, me. The one true pattern in my life was that I was gifted philosophical/spiritual teachings from early childhood onwards, even if I tried to hide from them. The same way some people are showered with wealth or girlfriends, I always ended up in places were I either saw or received very unusual teachings and things. However, and this is the ironic part, I always saw it as something separate from my “worldly” life. I didn’t allow myself to apply to my knowledge to help me succeed in daily life, which I strictly separated. At one point, I was asked to go further into Neidan and let my sexual organ shrink. But I had and still have this really high sex drive, which has been active since early childhood(I was humping chairs, trying to orgasm when I was 3-4 years old already, always seeing multiple faces of women I had never met in this life). So this created incredible inner tension through unresolved desires.

So while I was well-aware that I was desperately looking for external validation, I felt like I could do very little about it. Hence the move towards compromise. Both sexual desire as well as the desire for warmth in human connections are some of the most powerful forces I can think of, and if you have no outlet, this creates both a scarcity mindset and desperate measures.

@JCDenton

But in the end there are only two main choices here:

a) Succumb to this, give in, continue trying to fit in, maybe one day get accepted by the masses, and in the process kill a part of you true self and sell out your soul, and later on your death bed, resent yourself for selling out…

or

b) …Outsmart those NPCs and find a way how you can be your true self, completely validate yourself from the inside, while still being able to pay your bills, and in the end even rise so far that they all will look up to you like to a celebrity.

With a) it is not just that it kills part of your true self, but the very attempt to be someone other than yourself kills the possibility for being truly magnetic. The magnetism comes from being truly coherent with your true self and well, inhabiting it confidently. I know this, but not deeply enough to be fully convinced of it. You know what I mean? There is something that has resonated with me deeply before, but which I have yet to truly internalize:
By continually sacrificing your personal integrity for a woman, you are abdicating the very attributes which women desire in a man. By completely giving yourself away, you leave nothing left to be loved.

Of course I want to go with b), but I realised a while ago that this more accurately describes an “end state” I would like to be in, but the crucial part is “find a way”.
The question comes down to the idea of becoming whole and wholly self-sufficient. This is where you overflow with life and naturally attract attention, which you actually don’t need at that point. It is the seeming paradox of attention flowing in when one no longer needs it.
The question that I asked myself a year ago was: “I am whole or am I trying to fill a hole in myself?”.
And the clear answer I got from myself that I was a desperate black hole, and not like the sun. And nobody wants to be around a black hole.
However, I also did not make the connection that my spiritual practices would be pointless if they did not help me approach this state of inner fulfilment that I am actually looking for.
Both my desire for female companionship as well as spiritual enlightenment are essentially desires for union, stemming from awareness that I feel incomplete inside.

At some level, I am pretty sure these are not that different from each other. But I realized some time ago that asking people to be their true Self and find complete inner fulfilment is a very tall order, and essentially describes the end point of many forms of spirituality.

For me, personally, the key seems to be to no longer create artificial dualities and to actually implement and test the things I have learned in my daily life, which should help me reach both my “worldly goals” as well as the lofty philosophical ideals I hold. If I don’t manage to do this, all the things that were given to me were given in vain. I have often felt like the worst hypocrite for lecturing people outside of the forum on esoteric teachings and the like, while being almost completely unable to solve very basic human needs in my own life.

So, on some level, I actually do know how to find my way, and I am currently in the process of experimenting what I can do that will actually power this process instead of making everything unstable, as before. To give an image, I have been very talented at creating conditions where two different horses were pulling me into opposite directions and ripping me apart in the process, rather than working as a team towards a common goal and getting me there more smoothly.

@JCDenton

KHAN Stage 1, Love Bomb, ASBR, GLM are the healing titles that come to my mind here. You are already on the new GLM, which I am pretty sure will help to detach from that need of external validation. Wanting “to fit in like them”, will become an obsolete idea as you will validate yourself completely and just do what YOU want to do.

Of course. This is one of the main reasons I am running GLM to begin with. I am so conditioned to look for external validation, despite what lofty things I might say, that there is no better title for me to run at this point. And my first journal was about running Khan. I wasn’t prepared at that time. I also ran Love Bomb for a considerable amount of time and hey, it has helped me a lot just like Sanguine did, but interestingly, on my Alchemist run during the summer, I got a very clear message from my subconscious:
"Don’t focus too much on healing because you personally misuse it as a way of going out and taking action. You love paralysis by analysis and mental gymnastics. Consciously work against your early ingrained perfectionism and get yourself out there to make healing experiences. "

My mind, because of all the desperate neediness for external validation, puts a lot of importance on what happens “out there”. So with this stack, I really want to keep at it and play in that arena, and not hop from one healing modality to the next, putting me in eternal therapy. I want to experience life and be a participant. And I dearly hope I will be able to see through this duality I have set up for myself. I understand intellectually that my mind creates the circumstances “out there” and that everything is happening inside of my mind, but my subconscious is still only taking things “out there” as proof.
This is a current issue I am working through.

@JCDenton

Find your unique nieche and build yourself as a high status person from there. Until one day, it will be them, who will be looking for your validation.
GLM and WANTED will also help you with that.

That’s the dream. I already know my archetype and niche, but I feel the strong need to prove things to myself first before I dare teach anything to others. Anything else feels hypocritical to me.

@JCDenton

Being of mixed heritage will no longer be a reason for “not being accepted” (as your current belief system reflects), but will be the complete opposite: It will be one of your unique traits that will make you even more wanted and special.

That is also something I’ve dreamed of. It doesn’t ring true to me that being of mixed heritage could be the reason for not being accepted, but rather it caused a chain of events that cornered me into developing automatic reactionary patterns, rather than being a conscious creator. I move through a set of reactionary habits and thoughts that do not serve me, but they’re so deeply ingrained that it is a slow process to untangle them. GLM really helps you distance yourself from your emotional reactions, and it is quite painful to observe these patterns and how helpless you have been at managing or transcending them.

@JCDenton

What does that success look like?
Being invited to parties?
Being promoted at jobs?
Having a Swedish GF?

Ask yourself what exactly you are really after here?
And what you are even envious about?

Then decide whether you still choose to belief this and define this as the “success” which you are after.

For me personally, I define success simply as follows:

• to truly know myself so that I do not regret going down false paths that are not my own.
• to succeed at the male quest, which I define as breaking through my self-imposed limitations and attaining true freedom in life, meaning that I am no longer the playball of forces I do not understand, and to be independent of external opinion, and grounded in a a total form of self-understanding. To be a conscious creator that is able to help others because he has went through the lessons himself already.

This is the long-term spiritual goal of mine. As mentioned above, somehow I have become more aware of my more pressing short-term goals here, and that includes all you have listed above, and yes, the only reason I bring the Germans into this is because I regularly meet them and see them easily attaining what I want. So of course my mind jumps to conclusions, whether true or false. At a conscious level, it sounds ridiculous, but I am aware that my mind basically asks itself: Hey man, aren’t you supposed to be German yourself? Why can’t you?
Hence the envy and desire to fit in.
I do not even particularly care about Swedish women for example. I just realized that I may be here awhile, and this is who I am going to meet on a daily basis for years, probably. Might as well make the most out of it. I observe the fate of my foreigner/immigrant friends around here and as mentioned before, I do not want to share that same predictable fate but rather break out of this prison I am currently inhabiting. Perhaps my only saving grace is that I’ve always felt a desire to rebel against my conditions, hence my fascination with philosophy and religion.

@JCDenton

Maybe they can subconsciously sense that you are secretly judging them and your whole interaction with them?

Maybe they can sense that you want their validation and they sense how you tryhard try to become like one of them?
And then they reflect to you back your deep seated fears.

Precis, as the Swedish would say.
It’s all a mirror of what is going on inside of me, which is why I hesitate blaming my environment or playing the victim whenever I get out of the recon fog.

I have recently spent a lot of time wondering how I can open up my body language, since I am experiencing strong periods of inner silence and relaxation but still feel like I am unconsciously giving off closed-off vibes. When I look in the mirror, I don’t like what I am seeing on my face. I see that I am the spitting image of my mom’s extremely judgemental face.
There is another surprising disconnect between how I feel and what my face expresses. Like I can be meditating and feel very peaceful and open, but people looking at me will think that I am uncomfortably intense and stern looking. My ex told me she has often been scared of the way I look, especially my eyes, as she says that I almost always look like I am intensely contemplating something or about to say something harshly critical.
The latter part I likely copied unconsciously from my mom, but the former seems to have been the result of being cornered and forced to reflect a lot on things. At my age, this now seems to have crystallized on my face and it does make people uncomfortable.
I still carry the unconscious expectation of being attacked physically and mentally, even though the former hasn’t occurred to me since childhood. It has been hell of a journey to be able to move in a relaxed manner in public.
I have very sharp facial features with very low body fat and sunken cheeks. This is one of the reason why I don’t think that the short masculine haircut barbers always want to give me is the best idea, since the long curly hair seems to soften up my appearance a bit, at least.

Then there is the issue of relatability. Since I was excluded from groups since I was a little kid, I went my own way and all of my philosophical and religious investigations are the result of that, which became a hidden blessing for me. But unfortunately, I let this get to my head, and I developed a “holier than thou” attitude. I was using my learnings as a prop to insecurely try to prove that I have some worth, but all this resulted in was the loss of being able to relate to others. Instead of philosophical inquiry helping me solve my problems, I used it as a additional high wall around me, which made me unrelatable.
This has become much better in the past 5 years or so, mostly thanks to my ex-girlfriend.

Combine this with the deep-seated fear of being excluded and desperately wanting to fit in and experience warm human connection, and you get the troublesome vibe I am sending out.

The crazy thing for me has always been that I am able to analyze and understand how almost everything in my behaviour and appearance has come to be, but there is this maddening inability to truly unroot this complex web of problems despite having good tools available. And ironically, most of what I want are very simple things, actually.

Recently, I have to laugh more and more about the idea of me, which is not unlike the attempt to study nuclear physics just to cook some rice.

@JCDenton

You need to completely detach from these identities.
Especially that identity of the “non-Swedisch looking immigrant that is treated like a 2nd class citizen”.
It is a very toxic self-sabotaging identity.
Identifying yourself with concepts like these where you believe that they are holding you back from also being “successful with the Swedes” are doing exactly that: they are holding you back and holding you down!

Of course this is a toxic self-sabotaging set of beliefs. You surely can see from the above how I came to internalize that crap.
There is a good reason why I wrote a few days ago that it would be helpful for me to not even think that I am somewhere in Sweden talking to Swedes, but rather let go of all these limiting concepts entirely so that I can walk into encounters free from the burdens of assumptions.
I have always admired some people’s ability to radiate a completely accepting aura that is non-judgemental and that make it easy for people to open up to them. They are a joy to be around.

The very reason I am turning to these subs is that I am aware that with these things, conscious thinking about it may not be enough to change myself in such a radical manner. This is the same reason why I’ve rejected purely intellectual forms of philosophy and therapies. There are so many layers to a human being, and I am trying to unravel my limitations bit by bit.

In fact, I see the spiritual path for me like an onion with practically infinite layers. Right now, I not only want to be able to perceive the layers, but change them with experimental proof.

Again, thank you for taking your time to engage with me!

[Haru]

@GoldenBird

Hey man, aren’t you supposed to be German yourself?

National identity can be a powerful thing, especially for you with a mixed heritage. But why not transcend this? Why not see youself as a European? Then there is one less boundary between you and the Swedes. Once you are there, why not go further and realize you are a citizen of the world? Sure, there are cultural differences and language barriers, but you are learning and working on integrating the local differences of the particular place you are now residing in.

[Evolver]

Bro im doing wanted and glm as well, so trust me when I say this.

Women Will find you a joy to be around and glm will detach you from all this overthinking. The new tech in wanted is amazing. Your in for a treat.

I like your long hair, if the male barbers are not good find a female barber or someone who cuts for girls. Maybe they know what style you want.

And have you tried learning Swedish online, through zoom or something.