Night 18
About streaming, I don’t think streaming is for me. I’m getting off Bald Shroud TM, rip.
My focus at work right after vacation is insane. I feel like most of my colleagues are cruising, I’m hitting the ground running. That drive from the Emperor/Limitless/IG is still there from the last run. I don’t think Spartan is bad either. Khan ST1, neither, but it’s healing focused, so shouldn’t be the case, but who knows.
My issue with Khan right there.
I’ve been like this for years. I think Khan is working on this, not causing it.
I had this on Emperor as well. And it’s also kind of basic societal programming from school, work, etc. - nobody likes to go to work to just work, and if you had a button to instantly get money, you likely wouldn’t work lol
Emperor just enhances resilience and it makes you think that this is the correct way so you just keep grinding - that’s what I think happens
I haven’t fully overcome it yet but I’m close to it. I do this by radically focusing solely on what I want to do, not what I have to do. And focusing on building pure enjoyment and enthusiasm from the process. Process is the goal, the result is merely a stepping stone to a certain state of mind;
When I want to do something unhealthy, I think - “Why do I want to do it?”, and then make some changes that make doing it harder than not doing. To give a very simple example - if I’m playing video games obsessively, I should just sell my PC - that way I won’t be able to play video games and won’t be exhausting my nervous system by having the ability to play them and forcing myself to not do it (of course everyone has different life and selling PC might not be the best choice, it was just an example)
And same thing I do with something I don’t want to do - “Why do I not want to do it?” - for example, why do I not want to exercise? It’s boring, it’s hard, it’s painful, no immediate results, rigid schedule (what exercise, how many sets, how many reps, how much to rest, etc.). And the solutions were:
Great stuff, thanks for sharing. 
Really interesting the thing you said about goals and reflecting on them if they are something you really want or just social/peer/media conditioning.
Because at my work (software) I have insane focus and drive. I like it, I want to kick butt. I guess my run with Emperor and current run with Khan is nudging me towards authentic goals. It’s a test and it’s growth nonetheless. Because if they it’s not authentic, you’ll just burn out.
I remember in The Witcher 3 game there was this character who made a deal with a demon that he gets three wishes but in the end he can’t feel pleasure or anything
That’s exactly how I see goals: what’s the point in achieving them if you have to sell your soul for it and not even enjoying the process? The results pretty much don’t matter at this point. And I don’t even know what’s worse when you are forcing yourself to achieve something without enjoyment:
Gotta ruthlessly look for path that is suitable for you, with full customization to your likings
I’d argue that lots of geniuses are so productive in their life partly because they are doing exactly what they want. Like, Tesla married pigeon, for example - that’s an extreme example but you get the idea
if so, I think you are good lol
Yeah, running IG/Limitless with my job was awesome.
Streaming is the thing I’m struggling with and causes performance anxiety. I’m going to try an experiment I’ve learned when I was dabbling in improv + only do it when I feel like it’s fun. But that thing was ” Don’t try to be a good improviser. Be boring. Be average.”. Makes you loose and relaxed and in the moment, which increases the chance of being good. Right now I feel like I have to be a dancing monkey. Feeling inauthentic.
Probably part of my ”no false gods” arc I’ve been going through since emperor.
Trying to find the fun in gaming again. It’s a hobby and I want to relax without the constant pressure of feeling I have to perform. And most importantly being ok with not making it. Who cares?
We’ll see though. This could very well be a demon I’m not supposed to beat, but leave. Like Invictus and his past with LoL, a toxic relationship according to him.
Trueing! It’s good to be aware when you are being realistic/grounded and not fearful/lazy. Because sometimes it’s tougher in the beginning and then gets easier and more fun. So a slower approach like you suggest is a good idea before directly jump into filling your schedule with expectations.
Night 19
Bald Shroud v1 - 03:00
Scene XYZ:
”Yesterday I did squats, I broke a PR. I pushed myself so hard, and beat a PR!”
The next day on GymBros forum:
”Hey guys, yesterday I broke my PR, but today I can’t even walk up the stairs, let alone squat… does someone have an explanation for this reversed results?”
I can’t…
Lol. Good one!
Night 20
Processing day
Great day grilling. Ate too much meat lol
Signing up for a gym membership, weather is too rainy for running for my taste and I want to lift some weights too, to get off this weight plateau I’m on. It’s 30 min walk from me, so it’s going to automatically incorporate 30x2 minutes of walking. Doing it in the morning I’ll be screaming ”This is Sparta” the rest of the day.
Streamed some Valorant on stream today. So rusty, will be interesting to see how I’ll evolve with GMX: A which is in my Bald Shroud custom.
Night 21
Listening day, but missed to listen, so I’ll do it tomorrow.
Played one Valorant game and it went surprisingly well. The first half. Then it went downhill lol but overall better than my last two games.
I also streamed it and recorded the match. I can turn the video into a part of the documentary of my journey in Valorant. I can also watch it to improve my gameplay and content. It’s a double whammy.
I passed the certification exam! 1 down, 7 more to go.
Weight wise I’m still on the plateau. The gym plan next week will be my saviour. I food prepped three lunch boxes, counting calories. I’ll have to do the dinner boxes tomorrow night.
Overall, good day.
Night 22
Khan ST1 - 03:00
Spartan: AWF - 03:00
Back to work 
focused day work. I love Mondays.
Night 23
Washout day
One of those humbling and resilience nights that gives great insights and your priorities go through scrutiny! Awful belly ache, only worked a half day.
The transition to internal validation and permission as opposed to external. No false gods. Got some insights into this.
Night 24
Washout day
Another sick day. I’m thinking this run of Khan will focus in this no false gods, internal validation and permission thing. So next cycle as we move to ST2, it’s time to take action to reprogram our beliefs that are in the way of this way of being. I’m taking action, but this is a better/clearer idea of what I want and just need to double down on that clarity. Anyway, I love self- development!
Health man, it’s so important. I gotta remind myself of this importance everyday it’s not automatic for me to think of self- care.
Night 25
Chew your food bro!
My work ethic is insane. Proof that my last stack has left long term effects. I never doubted it, but this is for the doubters.
I have a cold 
but still ballin 
Night 26
I don’t know if I mentioned it but I nailed the certification exam and got shout outs in two weekly letters my company sends out. Which felt nice. Because visibility is sometimes more beneficial to career than doing the silent important work. It’s good to be visible from time to time. It’s just the way it is man. The silent people who keep this world running, the humble people, they rarely get what they deserve.
Just random thoughts, I haven’t done any actual research on this lol
Still cold, but I worked past 11 PM today man. My colleagues were like ”yo, you don’t look well, rest”. Didn’t faze me. But perhaps I should listen. It’s probably stupid to go this hard.
Exploring this inner validation thing. It feels literally just like a switch, you just give yourself permission to be you, do what you want, be present, have fun, live, laugh and love. It’s like we get into our heads trying to figure out our status in the totem pole, and if we’re allowed to be present, free, authentic and happy. Pinging everybody and everything, inner and outer. But f that man, just give yourself permission. You don’t need anything or anyone’s approval to be you, now.
It’s like waiting for some external signal, oh there’s the signal, now I can laugh, have fun, be me, be honest, say yes, say no, be present, be outside of my head, be courageous etc whatever state or way of being. Oh, now I’m allowed to feel my emotions. Oh there’s the signal, now I’m allowed to clap my hands. Oh no one is clapping? I better not then. Oh he’s frowning? I better go into my head and figure out via calculations if I’m still allowed to be me in this moment, what’s my status now? Hmm calculating… I’m sorry, oh let’s see, did my freedom to be me go down? Let’s see, what am I feeling? What’s my status number? Give me a signal please !!??
Lol
Night 29
I don’t have time to write in this journal 
I am restarting this journey and trying the new listening experiment even though I don’t have any ZPU titles in my plans.
Hoping for ZPU to hit name embeds or upgrades hitting up Khan/Spartan.
Either way, these titles were kick ass before, are still kickass now.
Night 50
I’ve been in a daze and recon mist lately. I’ve run Khan ST1 for 50 days, and last 15 days I’ve been running true social and new wanted.
Besides the recon, life is going great. When I work through the recon, I love it. You notice a mindset shift about a particular issue.
Khan ST1 is tougher this time around. I’ve ran it for 5+ cycles in the past. But it was n’t this tough. I’m grateful for that, because it would feel pointless to aim for growth and not feel some discomfort.
I want to run DRR and Alchemist for a year. But at the same time I’m feeling like I’m running away from the recon. And recon will be there wherever I go if there’s massive growth to be had, so I feel like I might as well stay here and do the work. 
I’m running Khan for that masculine oumph.
I’m running Wanted to heal some validation seeking stuff I had and the shadow is that I’m doing it to feed that validation seeking part. So is a double edged sword. Lol
True social, to grow my social circle and influence at work but also in my streaming hobby.
Anyway, just thought to check in.
I got recommended to run a initiative we have at the company to be a community leader for our tech stack and take on more manager responsibilities. Which is great for career and growth.
Night 53
Rest day
Shieeet, we gotta focus and get clear on our goals. Been getting distracted, but it’s all part of the process. I feel stronger now.
I’m still on Khan ST1, running with True Social and Wanted.
