Riding the Spiral til the End 🌀

Journals - Major Programs
#28

Day 8 ~ rEsT dAY

Re read yesterdays journal. How can it be a nice evening when I’m not enjoying my companies conversation? :thinking::face_with_raised_eyebrow:

Out on a walk in nature with a coffee. It’s raining lightly. Questioning why I feel down with myself at the moment. Why I cling on and stay attached to certain things. I think I’ve got it then I don’t really got it after all!

I feel so complicated :joy:

I’ve having a lot of dreams with minimal recall. I’m in recon today.

I’m using my tools tho. Detoxing my soul of all the lies and garbage of why I’m not worthy.

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Edit: 2 different dudes “randomly” asked if I’m single since making this post. I felt annoyed by that. They are both far from my ideal type.

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#29

Day 9 ~ 3min. loops of Seductress & HS

Seeing how this feels for today and tomorrow. HS is rocking me a bit with some recon. Clearly it’s needed.

I woke in the night feeling uneasy about stuff. Fell back asleep and slept til after 9 which isn’t usual for me.

Less doing and more just effin being. Okay.

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#30

I’m listening to higher chakra sound bath music right now. I became teary eyed as soon as I heard the frequency. I feel that HS is dominating my stack a bit. Normally I get up and do yoga. Today I am not doing that. I am sitting here with healing music and my mushroom coffee reflecting on all the heartache I’ve experienced. All the times I betrayed myself to please another. All the times I let myself down.

The anger I feel stems from a deeply rooted disappointment and sadness towards myself.

I spent so long defending myself trying to prove I’m not a slut. I’m not a whore. So many gossiped about me. I had so much attention put on me. I was the girl at grade 9 dances with people circled around me. I would reveal skin but not strip of course. So many girls thought I was a threat. Boys who were taken wanted to be around me. Married men want to be around me. They talk to me behind their wives backs.

That has been going on for so long.

I’m the woman they think of while they’re fucking their wife. Why?

I dreamed of this the other night. A guy I used to crush on who is very handsome just recently got married to a beautiful powerful woman. He was pursuing me even though he has her. I didn’t enjoy that.

I notice where I will bring up men in front of the person I am with. Is this really because I just want to share my life or is it to make them jealous? Am I subconsciously testing them?

The first boy I truly gave my all to was a pretty terrible person. They were a drug dealer and very promiscuous. They lied to me often and were very sneaky. I did everything for them. I was wide open and completely vulnerable. The things I witnessed no 14-16 year old should be exposed to. He betrayed me, used me, was emotionally abusive & persuaded me often. Lots of manipulation. He was a classic narcissist with a very wounded inner child. I thought I could save him or fix him.

He’s been in and out of prison since then.

I used to sing this song often back then:

https://youtu.be/uODHVuxG_xw?si=elgAaUJa9X2iqkdz

Edit: to add. I realize where it’s been easier to forgive others than to forgive myself for what I’ve allowed. I’m not a victim. I feel empowered to do something about it now.

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#31

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Thanks for the reminder :sweat_smile:. The yogic journey isn’t just asana practice. The other limbs are just as important if not more crucial than the physical movement practice

#32

Well, you are a woman. So probably :wink: women test. It’s in their programming.

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#33

Day 10 ~ rEsT

Browsing around loving what I’m finding on here. Super helpful.

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#34

Day 11 ~ Mogul 3min. loop.

We don’t have to take our clothes off to have good time :microphone: :heart:

I’ve been doing more heart focused healing work on myself through my yoga fusion practice. ~added qi gong and tantric dance movements.

Heart meridian massage is simply divine. Wow :hushed:

I notice how quickly I shift away from unloving harmful thoughts about myself. My self esteem and concept have been improving drastically.

As quickly as a crap thought surfaces a more loving thought takes its place.

Reaffirming who I am and who I am becoming without guilt or shame of the past.

Recon has me remembering my upsets but in a more productive and constructive way for my own betterment. It’s not a reliving to reinfect. It’s to actually heal and set that part free from the burdens and pain.

I look in the mirror until I enjoy what I am seeing. I won’t walk away until that happens.

I’ve been using my jade crystal roller every morning with my skincare routine. I can’t skip it!!

I am super dedicated to daily physical movement in whatever way I enjoy. I’m not being so rigid or obsessive about how that looks either.

I used to be a gym rat lifting heavy weights. I find I’ve become softer in how I work my body now. I’ve gotten more results this way too. Mostly just yoga and dance. I feel strong flexible and energized. I don’t use a scale. It’s been years.

I measure by how I feel when I look on a mirror or move about my day.

I’ve noticed I am more playful flirty and laughing a bit more. Crying less.

I have felt some sacred rage today. I used pranayama techniques during my morning practice today. Accepting and allowing the emotions and sensations. No need to judge. It has its purpose.

Enjoying dance/electronic house music today.

I have a new Reiki client coming over in an hour.

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#35

We don’t have to take our clothes off to have good time :microphone: :heart:

I never took a shower with clothes on but maybe it is time to try new things.

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#36
#37

That could be interesting. Or jumping in water with them on.

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#38

Dude,

I am a little bit older than you.

Here’s the version of the song that I grew up with. (yup. he was the first one to sing it.)

(on an obnoxious note, this song may be about dry-humping?)

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#39

There’s so many remixes of this song. Thank you for sharing the OG!

What year were you born? I’m 1987!

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#40

In other words, that song, in my brain, conjures memories of roller-skating rinks. haha.

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#41

My 12th birthday was at an indoor roller skating rink!!

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#42

Holy shit. That’s a long time ago :wink:

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#43

Probably a christian dark age

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#44

So my new Reiki client is coming again next week and also booked sessions for her 2 daughters as well.

Lovely :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

Thank you Mogul.

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#45

Wait’ll it gets the NWE love :open_mouth:

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#46

Was thinking aboot that earlier on the toilet.

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#47

Day 14 ~ Seductress & HS 3min. loops

Taught a tender heart yin class today. Felt confident with teaching my flow.

A 500 hour teacher joined today and gave me the following compliment:

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